IgfcO 


THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 
OF  CALIFORNIA 


GIFT  OF 

PROFESSOR 
GEORGE  R.  STEWART 


T II E 

PERFECT  GENTLEMAN; 

OR, 

ETIQUETTE  AND  ELOQUENCE. 

A    BOOK   OF  INFORMATION-  AND   INSTRUCTION  FOR  THOSE  WHO  DESIRE   TO 
BECOME  BRILLIANT  OR  CONSPICUOUS  IX  GENERAL  SOCIETY, 

OE  AT 

f attics,  finite ts,  #r  f aplar  (Satirmugs. 

CONTAINING 

MODEL  SPEECHES  FOR  ALL  OCCASIONS, 

•WITH   DIRECTIONS   HOW   TO   DELIVER  THKW. 

500  TOASTS    AND    SENTIMENTS    FOR    EVERYBODY, 

AND  THF.IU   PSOPKR  MOliB  OP   INTRODUCTION. 

HOW   TO   USE  WINE    AT  TABLE,  WITH    RULES   FOR   JUDGING   TITE   QUALITY 
OF   WINE,  AND    RULES    FOR   CARVING.      ETIQUETTE  ;    OR,  PROPER  BE- 
HAVIOR IN   COMPANY,  WITH  AN  AMERICAN    CODE   OF  POL1  PENESS 
FOR   EVEKY    OCCASION;    AND    ETIQUETTE   AT  WASHINGTON. 
REMARKABLE  WIT  AND  CONVERSATION  AT  TABLE, 
ETC.,    ETC., 

TO    WHICH    ARE   ADDED,  THE 

DUTIES  OF  CHAIRMEN  OF  PUBLIC  MEETINGS, 

A.NI)     BUTJ3B     FOR    THE    OKDEKLY    CONDUCT    THEREOF,    TOGETHER    WITH    VALUAHLH 
HINTS  AND  KXA.MPLKS  FOR  DRAWING  UP  I'KKAilBLKS  AND  RESOLUTIONS. 

BY   A   GENTLEMAN. 

*OLD     O  N  I.  T     BY     B  TT  B  8  0  E  I  P  T  I  O  X. 

NEW    YORK: 

DICK   &   FITZGERALD,  PUBLISHERS, 

No.    18    ANN    STREET. 


ing  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1860,  b? 
DICK   &   FITZGERA   ,D, 

Ui  tn->  CierK  b    ^,^  of  tbe  ni.«trict  Court  of  the  United  States,  for  tn«  St;uiburn 
D!ftrict  of  Xcw  York. 


®a  tk  w 

THE     MAN    WHO     IS    POLITE     WITHOUT     AFFECTAT10SJ 

PROUD    WITHOUT    VANITY  ' 
DIGNIFIED   WITHOUT   OSTENTATION 

AFFABLE   TO   ALL,  SERVILE   TO   XOXE  ; 

WHO  NEVER  DECEIVED  HIS  FRIEND,  NOR  TURNED  HIS  BACK  TO  HiB  FOE  J 
TKIS  VOLUME  IS  RESPECTFULLY   DEDICATED    BY 

THE  AUTHOR 


OP  all  that  portion  of  tins  work  which  is  devoted 
to  the  speeches,  it  is  not  the  author's  purpose  to  say 
anything,  in  the  way  either  of  explanation  or  apology. 
Let  the  speeches  speak  for  themselves. 

It  is  not  claimed  that  all  the  toasts  are  original. 
Many  of  them  are  taken  from  such  eminent  sources — 
whether  American  or  European — as  the  author  had  at 
his  hand ;  and,  whenever  the  phraseology  suited,  lie 
adopted  it  without  change. 

Of  the  "  American  Code  of  Politeness  "  there  is  some- 
what more  to  be  said.  It  was  not  expected  that  much 
which  is  new  could  be  written  on  this  subject.  The 
only  aim  has  been  to  present  the  general  rules  of 
politeness  and  etiquette  in  such  a  manner  as  to  render 
them  plain  and  instructive,  and  to  point  out  some  of 
the  absurd  and  conflicting  rules  of  the  fashionable 
code  which  have  come  into  our  country  from  different 
parts  of  Europe. 

The  author  has  had  the.  opportunity  of  seeing  that 
there  are  wide  differences  between  some  particular 
rules  of  etiquette  as  practised  in  America,  and  Eng- 
land, and  on  the  continent  of  Europe.  Some  things 
that  are  orthodox  etiquette  in  London,  are  gross  her- 
esy in  Paris  and  all  over  the  continent  of  Europe.  A 
man  who  should  conduct  himself  on  the  continent  in 
all  particulars  according  to  the  rules  of  etiquette  prac- 
tised in  England,  would  soon  find  himself  stared  at  by 
well-bred  people,  if  not  banished  from  polite  society. 


6  PREFACE. 

The  author  has  witnessed  some  amusing,  not  to  say 
ridiculous  incidents  in  fashionable  society  in  America, 
arising  out  of  the  fact  that  one  party  practised  tho 
Parisian  code,  while  another  persistently  adhered  to 
the  English  fashion,  and  so  a  social  collision,  if  not  an 
explosion,  was  inevitable. 

Let  a  person  go  into  company  who  has  read  only 
the  English  books  on  etiquette,  which  are  quite  nu- 
merously republished  in  this  country,  and  meet  with 
another  who  happens  to  have  read  only  the  French, 
or  continental  rules,  and  they  will  soon  be  found 
bumping  heads  with  each  other.  A  notable  instance 
of  this  occurred  in  the  city  of  New  York  within  the 
present  year,  in  which  a  lady  and  gentleman  of  con- 
siderable eminence  got  into  an  unspeaking  feud  with 
each  other.  They  had  for  some  months  enjoyed  what 
might  be  called  a  literary  and  musical  acquaintance, 
when  they  one  day  met  in  Mr.  Hall's  music  store,  and 
the  gentleman,  after  the  English  fashion,  waited  for 
the  lady  to  recognize  him  ;  and  the  lady,  after  the 
French  fashion,  waited  for  the  gentleman  to  recognize 
her  ; — and  so  neither  could  recognize  the  other.  They 
had  both  decidedly  cut  each  other  without  intending 
it — without  knowing  what  they  had  done.  And  so 
afterwards  they  always  passed  each  other  like  enemies 
in  the  streets,  until  one  day  the  lady  had  an  opportu- 
nity of  asking  for  an  explanation  of  the  insult  which 
she  believed  had  been  offered  her.  The  gentleman 
denied  that  he  had  been  the  offending  party,  but  on 
the  other  hand  declared  that  she  had  refused  to  recog- 
nize him.  "  I  waited,77  said  he,  "  a  long  time  to  see  if 


PREFACE.  / 

you  really  meant  to  cut  me."     "  But,"  replied  the  lady, 
"it  was  for  you  to  recognize  me  first." 

And  then  followed  a  debate  on  the  great  question 
of  the  etiquette  involved  in  the  important  affair,  in 
which  each,  confident  of  being  in  the  right,  refused  to 
give  way ;  and  the  gentleman  actually  believed  him- 
self master  of  the  field,  until  he  was  assured  by  the 
author  that  there  was  an  overwhelming  majority  of 
the  fashionable  world  against  him. 

The  lady  above  referred  to  is  an  accomplished  trans- 
lator of  French  works,  and  was  undoubtedly  well 
informed  in  all  the  rules  of  etiquette  as  practised  on 
the  continent  of  Europe.  The  gentleman  was  equally 
aufait  in  the  English  rules.  But,  with  sorrow  be  it 
said,  neither  was  quite  up  to  the  generous  and  hearty 
spirit  of  politeness  dictated  by  the  common  sense  and 
simplicity  of  republican  manners. 

Although  fashionable  society  in  America  is  made 
up,  to  some  extent,  of  people  who  have  come  from 
every  part  of  the  Old  World,  each  bringing  his  own 
peculiar  fashions,  yet  there  is  gradually  growing  up 
an  individuality  of  our  own,  which  happily  begins  to 
display  itself  in  social  and  fashionable,  as  well  as  in 
political  independence. 

The  spirit  of  politeness,  like  that  of  morality  and 
religion,  must  be  the  same  all  over  the  world ;  but 
the  artificial  rules  of  etiquette  are  necessarily  modified 
and  varied  by  local  institutions. 

The  stiff  and  stately  pomp  of  fashion,  as  it  comes  out 
of  the  atmosphere  of  monarchical  courts,  and  thcnco 
descends  upon  the  plains  of  common  life  in  those  coun- 
tries, brings  with  it  much  that  is  unnatural  and  gro- 


8  PREFACE. 

tesquc,  in  contrast  v/ith  the  simplicity  of  republican 
institutions. 

Notwithstanding  all  the  books  on  etiquette  in  uso 
in  this  country  are  either  translations  from  the  French, 
or  republications  of  English  books,  there  is,  in  many 
instances,  a  modification  of  the  artificial  rules  of  po- 
liteness they  contain,  in  the  manners  of  the  best  soci- 
ety in  America.  In  a  word,  it  is  not  too  much  to  say 
that  we  are  beginning  to  have  an  American  code,  in 
better  harmony  with  the  practical  and  enlightened 
common  sense  of  democratic  institutions  than  much 
that  has  been  dictated  by  the  pompous  impudence  of 
aristocratic  exclusiveness. 

The  anecdotes  at  the  end  of  the  volume  have  been 
selected  for  the  two-fold  purpose  of  affording  amuse- 
ment and  instruction  at  the  convivial  board. 

Indeed,  the  author's  aim,  in  every  part  of  the  book, 
has  been  to  make  a  useful  companion  of  the  dining- 
room,  the  parlor,  and  of  every  other  place  where 
ladies  and  gentlemen  may  be  properly  ambitious  to 
appear  with  satisfaction  and  honor  to  themselves,  and 
pleasure  to  others. 

The  author  professes  that  modesty  alone  causes  him 
to  withhold  his  name  from  the  title-page.  lie  is 
avrare  that  such  a  remarkable  degree  of  modesty  in  an 
author  will  be  considered  improbable,  if  not  impos- 
sible, by  the  general  public.  But  he  consoles  himself 
with  the  idea  that,  even  if  it  shall  be  believed  that  the 
virtue  is  only  an  affectation  on  his  part,  he  has  at 
least  set  a  good  example,  and  one  which  is  very  much 
needed,  for  the  benefit  of  authors  at  the  present  time. 


. 


CONTENTS. 

PAGB 

ARIOSTO,          ....••.  151 

AMENDMENTS,          .  .  .  .  .  319 

ADJOURNMENTS,  ......  322 

ACTOR,  SPEECH  OF  AX,         .....  66 

AMERICAN'S  TOAST  TO  THE  QUEEN  OF  ENGLAND,  .  .     77 

AUTHOR,  SPEECH  OF  AN,      ....  129 

ACTOR'S  TOAST,  ......  146 

AMATORY  TOASTS,  .....  148 

ARTISTIC  TOASTS,          .  .  .  .  .  .150 

AMERICAN  WINES,  .....  196 

ART  OF  DRINKING  WINE,          .  .  .  .  .198 

AMERICAN  CODE  OF  POLITENESS,      ....         200 

ANECDOTES,    .    37,  38,  47,  5'J,  57,  69,  76,  81,  89,  90,  0,,  J03,  131 
AMERICAN  VALOR,        ......  136 

ALFIERI,      .......         152 

BIBLIOGRAPHER,  SPEECH  OF  A,  .  .  .  .  .  115 

BAKER'S  TOAST,      .  .  .  .  .  .145 

BLACKSMITH'S  TOAST,    .  ,  146 

BANKER'S  TOAST,     .  .  .  .  .  .146 

BOOK-KEEPER'S  TOAST,  .....  147 

BURGUNDY,  ......        193 

BALLS,  IN  WASHINGTON,  ....  252 

BOCCACCIO,  ......        150 

CERVANTES,      .......  151 

COOK,  SPEECH  OF  A,  .  .  .  .  .91 

CAPITALIST,  SPEECH  OF  A          .  .  .  .  .111 

CHAIRMAN,  SELECTING  A,     .  .  .  .  .         301 

CHARACTER  OF  A  Ci  UF.MAN,  ......  303 

CARPENTER'S  TOAST,  .  .  ,  .  .146 

CARD-MAKER'S  TOAST,  .  .  .  .  147 

(9) 


10  CONTESTS. 

PAGE 

OOAL  MS.-CCHAXT'S  TOAST,   .....         147 

COACH-MAKER'S  TOAST,  .  .  .  .  .147 

CARVING.     .......         178 

CHAMPAGNE,     .  .  .  .  e  .  .190 

CLARET  \VINE,        .  .  .  .  .  .193 

CATHARINE  L-E  MEDICIS,  .  .  .  .  .16 

CHAUCER,    .  .  .  .  .  .  .150 

CAMCENS,          .......  152 

CARVING  BIRDS,     .  .  .  .  .  .179 

HAM, 179 

"         SIRLOIN  OF  BKKF,  .  .  .  .179 

"         ROUND  OF  BEEF,        .....  179 
"        FILLET  OF  VEAL,  .  .  .  .  .179 

"        LEG  OF  MUTTON,        .  .  .  .  .180 

"         FORE  QUARTER  OF  LAMB,  .  .  .         180 

"         HAUNCH  OF  MUTTON,  .  .  .  .180 

"        SADDLE  OF  MUTTON,        .  .  .  .180 

"        ROAST  PIG, 180 

"        FOWL,      ......         181 

"        GOOSE, 181 

"        TURKEY,  ......        181 

DINNERS,  ON  GIVING,    .  .  .  .  .  .35 

DRINKING,  ON  HONEST,        .  .  .  .  .46 

DUEL,  SPEECH  OF  A  MAN  WHO  WOULD  NOT  KIGHT  ONE,  .  .     80 

DISTILLER'S  TOAST,  .....         14.7 

DINNERS,  INVITATIONS  TO,         .  .  .  .  .167 

DEFINITION  OF  POLITENESS,  .  .  .  .200 

DRESS,  .  .  .  .  .  .  .230 

DRESS  AT  WASHINGTON,      .....        242 

DINNERS  AT  WASHINGTON,        .....  249 

DEPORTMENT  IN  THE  STREET,  ....         250 

DINNER-TABLE  ELOQUENCE,       .  .  .  .  .23 

DANTE,        .......         150 

DEMOSTHENES,  .......  152 

DUTIES  OF  A  CHAIRMAN,    .  .  .  .  .312 


CONTENTS.  11 

PAGE 

DEBATES,          .  .  .  .  .  .  .328 

EDITOR,  SPEECH  OF  AN,  .  .  •        107 

ENGLISH  BENEVOLENCE,  SPEECH  ON,      ....  120 

EVERY  MAN'S  TOAST,          .....         147 

ETIQUETTE  OF  THE  DINNER-TABLE,         ....  167 

EVENING  PARTIES,  ......        232 

ETIQUETTE  AT  WASHINGTON,     .....  242 

EVENING  PARTIES  AT  WASHINGTON,  .  .  .        247 

FIREMAN,  SPEECH  OF  A,  .  .  .  .  .62 

FIREMAN'S  TOAST,  ......         14G 

GEOGRAPHICAL  SPEECH,  .  .  .  .  .34 

GREAT  NAMES,  SPEECH  ON,  .  .  123 

GLAZIER'S  TOAST,         ......  145 

GERMAN  WINES,     .  .  .  .  .  .194 

GENERAL  RULES  OF  POLITENESS,  .  .  .  .201 

HOTEL,  SPEECH  AT  THE  OPENING  OF,  ...          20 

HOW  TO  CALL  ON  THE  PRESIDENT  OF  THE  UNITED  STATES,         .  253 
How  TO  NEGATIVE  A  MOTION,      ....        320 

How  TO  VISIT  OFFICIAL  PERSONS  IN  WASHINGTON,        .  .  253 

HANDEL,     .......         151 

HERODOTUS,      .  .  .  .  .  .  .152 

HOGARTH,   .......         152 

INTERRUPTION  IN  D  EH  ATE,        .....  334 

IMPUDENT  MAN,  SPEECH  OF  AN,  .  .  .         101 

INVITATIONS  TO  DINNER,  .....  203 

INTRODUCTIONS,       ......        227 

JOHNSON,  DR.,  .  .  .  .  .  .15 

JUDGE,  SPEECH  OF  A,  .  .  .  .  .51 

JESTER,  SPEECH  OF  A,   .  .  .  .  .  .  100 

LASSES,  LOVER'S  SPEECH  ON  THE,     ....          41 

LAWYER,  SPEECH  OF  A,  .  .  .  .  .53 

LOVER,  SPEECH  OF  AN  OLD,  ....          72 

LOUD  LAUGHER,  SPEECH  OF  A,  .  ,  ,  .  .75 

LACONIC  MAN,  SPEECH  OF  A,  .  90 


12  CONTEXTS. 

FAGS 

LITERARY  GENTLLMAN,  SPHECH  OF  A,    .  .  .  109 

LITERARY  TOASTS,  .  .  .  .  .150 

LOPEZ  DE  VEGA,          .  .  .  .  .  .151 

MILLER'S  WIFE,  THE,          .  .  .  .  .39 

MODEST  WOMEN,          .  .  .  .  .  .40 

MUSICIAN,  SPEECH  OF  A,  .  .  .  .88 

MERCHANT,  SPEECH  OF  A,  .  .  .  .94 

MAN  OF  HONOR,  SPEECH  OF  A,  .  .  .93 

MARRIAGE,  SPEECH  AT  A,          .  .  .  .  .103 

MISCELLANEOUS  TOASTS,      .....        153 

MASONIC  TOASTS,          ......  159 

MANNERS  AT  TABLE,  .  .  .  .  .168 

MARRIAGE,       .......  228 

MOZART,     .......        151 

MONTAIGNE,      .......  151 

NAVAL  AND  MILITARY  TOASTS,        .  .  .  .140 

NIAGARA  FALLS,          ......  137 

ON  GIVING  DINNERS,          .  .  .  .  .172 

ON  CARVING,    .  .  .  .  .  .  .178 

ON  INTRODUCTIONS,  .  .  .  .  .227 

ON  DRESS,        .  .  .  .  .  .  .230 

ON  EVENING  PARTIES,         .....        232 

ON  MARRIAGE,  ......  228 

OPINION  OF  LORD  BYRON  ox  EATIKO,  .  .  .          27 

ORIGINAL  MOTIONS,      .  .  .  .  .  .317 

ON  MOTIONS, 316 

OUR  LAKES  AND  RIVEHS,          .  ,  .  .  .137 

POET,  SPEECH  OF  A,  .  .  .  .  .48 

PUNSTER,  SPEECH  OF  A,  .  .  t  .55 

PRIZE-FlGHTING,  SPEECH  ON,  .  .  .  .64 

POOR  MAN,  SPEECH  OF  A,         .  .  .  .  .75 

PATRIOT,  SPEECH  OF  A,  .  .  .  .81 

POLITE  MAN,  SPEECH  OF  A,  .  .  .  .89 

PUBLISHER,  SPEECH  or  A,    .  .  .  .        105 


CONTENTS.  13 

rAGB 

PATRIOTIC  TOASTS,        ......  134 

PRINTER'S  TOAST,    ...  ,  ,  146 

PLUMBER'S  TOAST,        ......  146 

PAINTER'S  TOAST,    ......         147 

PORT  WINE,     .  .  .  .  .  .  .189 

POLITENESS,  ......        200 

POLITICAL  DINNERS  IN  THK  UNITED  STATES,       .  .  .17 

PETRARCH,  .  .  .  .  .  .150 

PLUTARCH,       .......  151 

PHIDIAS,     .......        152 

PLAUTUS,          .....  .  152 

PREVIOUS  QUESTION,  .....        321 

QUESTIONS  OF  ORDER,  .....  334 

RIDDLE  INSTEAD  OF  A  SPEECH,          ....          33 

RED-HEADED  MAN,  SPEECH  OF  A,          .  .  .  .70 

ROAD-MAKER'S  TOAST,         .  .  .  .        147 

RULES  FOR  PRESIDING  AT  TABLE,          .  .  ,  .19 

ROGER  BACON,        ......        150 

ROBERT  HERRICK,        ......  151 

RABELAIS,  .  .  .  .  .  .  .151 

RAPHAEL,         .......  151 

ROBERT  FULTON,     ......        153 

REMOVING  A  CHAIRMAN,  .....  333 

RAISING  OBJECTIONS,          .....        313 

RIGHT  OF  REPLY,         ......  326 

SPEECH  OF  THE  CHAIRMAN,  ....  315 

SPEECH  OF  A  MAN  WHO  DOES  NOT  MAKE  SPEECHES,         .  .    32 

SOBER  MAN,  SPEECH  OF  A,  .  .            .            .  37 

STRONG-MINDED  WOMEN,  .             .            .            .  .38 

SAM  SLICK'S  SPEECH  ON  THE  CLERGY,          ...  43 

SONG  INSTEAD  OF  A  SPEECH,  .           .           .           .  .59 

SAILOR,  SPEECH  OF  A,  .            .            .            .GO 

SHOEMAKER,  SPEECH  OF  A,  .            .            •            .  .87 

SCANDAL,  SPEECH  ON,          .  .            .            .            .  93 

SCLDIER,  SPEECH  OF  A,  .            .            .            .  .96 


14  CONTENTS. 

PAGB 

SURGEON'S  Tc  AST,  ......        145 

SADDLER'S  TOAST,         ......  147 

SHERRY  WINE,        .  .  .  .  .  .195 

SIR  WALTER  SCOTT'S  RULES  FOR  PRESIDING  AT  TABLE,  .     21 

SIR  JOSHUA  REYNOLDS'  OPINION  OF  WINE  AT  TABLE,  .  30 

SIDNEY  SMITH,  .  .  .  .  .  .36 

SCOLDING  WIFE,     ......  39 

SIR  HUMPHRY  DAVY,   .  .....  150 

TAILOR,  SPEECH  or  A,                      .            .            .            .  Gl 

TALLOW-CHANDLER,  SPEECH  OF  A,                     .            .  .80 

TOAST-MASTER'S  COMPANION,            ....  133 

TOASTS  FOR  ALL  PROFESSIONS,  .....  145 

TINKER'S  TOAST,     .             .....  146 

TALKING  IN  COMPANY,  .             .            .            .            .  .224 

TABLE  WIT,             ......  255 

TITIAN,             .            .            .            .            .            .  .156 

TIIESPIS,     .......  152 

THE  WELL-BRED  MAN,            .            .            .            .  .168 

TREATMENT  OF  SERVANTS,    .....  171 

TAKING  THE  CHAIR,     .            .            .            •            .  .312 

UNDERTAKER,  SPEECH  OF  AN,  .  .  .  .85 

UNITED  STATES  AND  CENTRAL  AMERICA,  .  .  .  126 

VANDYCK,   .  .  .  .  .  .  .151 

VOTING  ON  ORIGINAL  MOTIONS  AND  AMENDMENTS,       .      326,  330 

WINE  MERCHANT,  SPEECH  OF  A,  .  .  .          29 

WAG,  SPEECH  OF  A,  .  .  .  •  .57 

WINE-BIBBER,  SPEECH  OF  A,  .  .  .  .58 

WEDDING  OF  MR.  GRAVE,  .  .  .  .     G3 

WINE  AT  TABLE,     ......         182 

WINE,  How  TO  KNOW  G-OOD,  .....  188 

WINE,  ART  OF  DRINKING,   .  .  .  •  »         198 

WITS  AND  WINE,          .  .  .  .  .  .29 

WATCHWORD  OF  AMERICA,  .....        139 

WILLIAM  CAXTON,        .  ,  .  .  .  .151 


THE 


PERFECT  GENTLEMAN; 


OR, 


ETIQUETTE  AND  ELOQUENCE, 


THE   SUBJECT. 

If  a  literary  gentleman,  and  a  scholar,  needed  any 
excuse  for  writing  a  book  on  the  eloquence  and  eti- 
quette of  the  dinner-table,  beyond  that  one  which  is 
readily  appreciated  by  all  authors — the  price  it  brings 
him — he  would  find  it  in  the  fact  that  great  men,  in 
all  ages,  have  given  their  countenance  to  this  subject. 
The  subject  has  been  amply  canvassed  by  such  men  as 
Dr.  Johnson,  Voltaire,  Sir  Humphry  Davy,  Lord  Ba- 
con, Jeremy  Bentham,  Lord  Byron,  and  an  innumer- 
able list  of  philosophers,  wits,  and  poets  of  all  nations. 

Sidney  Smith  says :  "  An  excellent  and  well  ar- 
ranged dinner  is  a  most  pleasing  occurrence,  and  a 
great  triumph  of  civilized  life.  It  is  not  only  the 
descending  morsel  and  the  enveloping  sauce,  but  the 
rank,  wealth,  wit,  and  beauty  which  surround  the 
meats ;  the  learned  management  of  light  and  heat  ; 
the  silent  and  rapid  services  of  attendants  ;  the  smil- 
ing and  sedulous  host,  proffering  gusts  and  relishes  ; 
the  exotic  bottles ;  the  embossed  plate ;  the  pleasant 
remarks  ;  the  handsome  dresses  ;  the  cunning  artifices 
of  fruit  and  farina!  The  hour  of  dinner,  in  short,  in- 

(15) 


16  THE   MODEL   SPEECH  MAKER. 

eludes  everything  of  sensual  and  intellectual  gratifica- 
tion, which  a  great  nation  glories  in  producing.'7 

The  accomplished  Scargil  wittily  writes  :  "  There  is 
an  attraction  of  affinity  effected  Vy  cookery:  they 
who  dine  much  together  generally  assimilate  much  in 
opinion.  It  is  not  an  easy  matter  to  dine  frequently 
with  a  man,  especially  if  he  have  a  good  cook,  without 
coining  into  some  or  most  of  his  ways  of  thinking. 
How  observable  is  the  unanimity  produced  by  a  public 
dinner.  It  seems  an  established  fact — a  generally 
recognized  opinion — that  the  people  may  be  dined 
into  anything.  They  are  dined  into  liberty  j  they  are 
dined  into  loyalty  ;  they  are  dined  into  charity  ;  they 
are  dined  into  piety  ;  they  are  dined  into  liberality  ; 
they  are  dined  into  orthodoxy ;  they  are  dined  into 
heresy." 

So  well  is  this  great  gastronomic  pacificator  under- 
stood by  statesmen  and  politicians,  that  nearly  all 
matters  of  state  and  diplomacy  are  discussed  and  set- 
tled at  the  dinner-table.  The  empress  Catharine  de 
Medicis,  who  was  called  "  the  mother  and  the  wife  of 
kings,"  used  to  descend  to  the  kitchen  to  superintend 
the  dinners  prepared  for  those  whom  she  would  con- 
trol, and  dipped  in  rich  sauces  the  hand  which  held  the 
reins  of  government,  and  which  Roussard  compared 
to  the  rosy  fingers  of  Aurora.  This  great  empress 
declared  that  "  the  highest  thing  to  be  said  in  praise 
of  woman  is,  that  she  can  cook  a  good  dinner."  It 
was  over  the  conciliating  odors  of  a  rich  dinner, 
superintended  by  her  own  hand,  that  she  drew  the 
Duke  of  Alba  into  the  fearful  plan  of  the  massacre  of 


THE   SUBJECT.  17 

St.  Bartholomew.  With  such  a  tremendous  fricandeau 
before  our  eyes,  we  surely  cannot  underrate  the  power 
of  the  dinner -table. 

When  Henry  of  Yalois,  the  son  of  the  famous  em- 
press Catharine  cle  Mcdicis,  ascended  the  throne,  he 
followed  in  the  culinary  footsteps  of  his  mother,  and 
it  was  at  the  beginning  of  his  reign  we  have  to  date 
the  invention  of  the  Fricandeau,  which  some  authors 
have,  without  good  reason,  accredited  to  the  Swiss. 
Henry  of  Valois  was  the  Columbus  of  the  new  world 
of  sauces — a  world  which  has  had  more  admirers,  and 
played  a  far  more  important  part  in  the  history  of 
diplomacy,  than  this  other  saucy  new  world  discovered 
by  Columbus  the  Spaniard. 

From  that  date  the  dinner- table  has  been  the  com- 
mon ground  where  kings,  ministers  of  state,  presi- 
dents, governors,  diplomats,  and  all  the  descending 
scales  of  politicians,  have  met  to  scheme,  plot,  and  set- 
tle terms  of  peace,  and  whatever  else  the  intricacy  of 
diplomacy  may  contain. 

The  dinner-table  is  one  of  the  political  institutions 
of  the  United  States.  Nothing  is  settled  until  it  has 
been  dined  over  by  the  leaders  of  parties.  And  as  a 
very  considerable  number  of  our  politicians  spring 
from  the  ranks  of  the  uneducated  and  the  uncultivated, 
much  that  is  grotesque,  and  that  is  even  offensive  to 
refined  society,  is  apt  to  make  its  appearance  on  these 
occasions.  A  coarse  and  clownish  man  is  quite  as 
great  a  nuisance  at  the  dinner-table  with  gentlemen,  as 
a  pig  would  be  in  a  lady's  drawing-room.  Nearly  all 
of  the  exquisite  relish  of  the  table  depends  upon  the 


18  THE   MODEL   SPEECIi->UKEil. 

observance  of  those  delicate  rules  of  etiquette  and 
politeness  which  give  to  civilization  its  immense  social 
advantages  over  savage  life.  A  man  who  can  appear 
well  at  the  table  will  always  be  judged  a  gentleman 
by  well-bred  people.  On  the  other  hand,  the  man  who 
appears  ill  there,  has  the  mark  of  vulgarity  indelibly 
impressed  upon  him. 

The  presence  of  one  clown  at  the  dinner- table  would 
spoil  the  comfort  of  every  well-bred  guest.  And,  for 
this  reason,  those  who  are  at  all  careful  of  the  customs 
of  good  society,  rigidly  abstain  from  inviting  such 
persons  to  meet  parties  at  their  tables.  Where  ladies 
are  invited  this  rule  is  never,  under  any  circumstances 
deviated  from.  But,  where  no  ladies  are  to  be  present, 
and  the  dinner  is  given  exclusively  to  gentlemen,  for 
political  purposes,  it  is  customary,  in  this  country,  to 
invite  a  mixed  crowd  of  guests,  without  any  reference 
whatever  to  their  social  equality  ;  and  no  'geptleinari, 
at  such  a  time,  can  object  to  sit  rt  table  by  the  side  of 
a  fellow  who  shovels  the  victuals  into  his  mojuth  with 
the  knife,  or  blows  his  nose  in  the  napkin,  or  squirts  a 
stream  of  tobacco  juice  over  his  uhouldcr  at  the  fire- 
place. There  is  a  necessity  for  this  wide  deviation 
from  the  ordinary  laws  of  social  respectability  :  the 
unrefined  man  is  invited  because  ho  hac  influence  with 
a  class  of  men  whose  votes  are  nought  for  by  the 
gentleman,  or  by  the  party,  for  who3e  political  inter- 
ests the  dinner  is  given.  On  such  occasions  it  wouM 
be  a  groat  impoliteness  for  any  gentleman  in  any  waj 
to  notice  the  vulgarities  of  this  man.  He  has  not 
pushed  himself  into  the  company,  but  he  has  been 


BL'y.KS    FOR   PRESIDING   AT   TABLE.  11) 

invited  there  because  lie  is  a  man  of  influence  with  his 
class  ;  and  being  thus  invited,  he  is  entitled  to  the  same 
attention  and  respect  from  all  the  other  guests  as 
though  he  had  enjoyed  equal  advantages  of  education 
and  refinement  with  them. 


RULES  FOR  PKESIDUra  AT   TABLE. 

A  great  deal  of  the  pleasure  at  table  depends  upon 
the  person  who  is  called  upon  to  preside. 

If  the  dinner  is  given  by  a  society,  or  a  committee,  or 
by  an  institution,  the  president  or  chairman  will  of 
course  preside  :  and  when  a  gentleman  gives  a  dinner, 
for  political  or  any  other  purposes,  he  will  take  the 
chair  himself. 

At  dinners  given  by  individuals  to  the  public  press, 
or  on  any  occasion  where  there  is  no, one  upon  whom 
the  duties  of  presiding  already  devolve,  it  is  custom- 
ary for  the  party  giving  the  dinner  to  invite  some 
gentleman  to  take  the  chair  (the  head  of  the  table)  ;  or 
in  case  he  does  not  do  that,  the  guests  themselves 
indicate  one  of  their  number  for  that  post. 

The  chairman  remains  standing  until  all  the  other 
guests  are  seated,  and  when  he  takes  his  seat  it  is 
a  signal  that  the  party  is  ready  to  be  waited  upon,  and 
the  feast  opens. 

The  chairman  is  waited  upon  last,  and  as  the  dinner 
progresses  he  will  carefully,  but  very  quietly,  see  that 
none  of  the  guests  arc  neglected  by  the  waiters. 


i$U  HIE    MODEL    Srr.ECH-MAKKR. 

If  the  chairman  has  occasion  to  give  any  direction 
to  the  waiter,  he  does  not  speak  to  him  loud  enough  to 
be  heard  by  the  rest  at  table,  but  calls  him  quietly 
to  his  side,  and  gives  his  instructions  in  an  undertone. 

It  is  when  the  toasting  and  speaking  commence  that 
the  chairman's  most  important  duties  begin.  Ilia 
office  is  that  of  a  moderator.  He  will  call  the  table 
to  order  at  the  reading  of  each  toast,  and  will  see  that 
proper  silence  is  preserved  while  responses  are  being 
made. 

Though  wine  is  a  mighty  quickener  of  men's  tongues, 
the  well-bred  man  will  neither  talk  aloud  nor  whisper 
while  another  guest  is  making  a  speech.  The  chair- 
man will  see  that  none  break  this  rule. 

The  experienced  chairman  will  allow  plenty  of 
time  between  the  toasting  and  speaking,  for  the  guests 
to  chat,  and  laugh,  and  joke  together.  However 
vigilant  he  is  in  pushing  round  the  bottle,  he  takes 
care  that  the  speeches  do  not  come  too  fast,  nor  occupy 
too  much  of  the'tirne. 

A  gentleman  wishing  to  propose  a  sentiment  may 
either  repeat  it  himself  or  hand  it  to  the  chairman  to 
be  read.  If  he  repeats  it  himself,  he  will  say,  "  Mr. 
chairman,  have  I  your  permission  to  offer  a  toast?" 
The  chair  will  give  his  consent,  and  say,  "  Gentlemen 
will  please  to  come  to  order,  and  listen  to  a  sentiment 
from  Mr. ." 

It  is  the  duty  of  the  chair  to  take  notice  that  each 
gentleman  is  helped  to  the  wine  that  he  prefers,  and 
that  the  bottle  docs  not  forget  him  in  its  rounds. 

'•-Then  any  gentleman  is  called  upon  to  respon'1  to  a 


RULkS    FOR    PRESIDING    AT   TABLE.  21 

toast,  the  chairman  will  use  his  endeavors  to  get  a 
speech  from  the  party  thus  complimented.  But  if  it 
shall  be  evident  to  the  chair  that  the  gentleman  is 
suffering  under  a, real  embarrassment,  in  being  thus 
called  upon,  he  will  relieve  him  from  his  dilemma  by 
some  ingenious  turn  that  will  lot  the  victim  of  from  a 
speech,  and  that,  too,  if  possible,  without  mortifying 
Ids  vanity.  No  case  could  occur  where  an  adroit 
chairman  would  not  be  able  to  do  this. 

Sir  Walter  Scott  has  left  the  following  rules  of 
presidency  a  t  the  table  : 

"  1st,  Always  hurry  the  bottle  round  for  five  or  six 
rounds,  without  prosing  yourself,  or  permitting  others 
to  prose.  A  slight  filip  of  wine  inclines  people  to  be 
pleased,  and  removes  the  nervousness  which  prevents 
men  from  speaking ;  disposes  them,  in  short,  to  be 
amusing,  and  to  be  amused. 

"  2nd,  Push  on,  keep  moving  !  as  young  Rapid  says. 
Do  not  think  of  sayiDg  line  things  ;  nobody  cares  for 
them,  any  more  than  for  fine  music,  which  is  often  too 
liberally  bestowed  on  such  occasions.  Speak  at  all 
ventures,  and  attempt  the  mot  pour  rirc.  You  will  find 
people  satisfied  with  wonderfully  indifferent  jokes,  if 
you  can  but  hit  the  taste  of  the  company,  which 
depends  much  on  its  character.  Even  a  very  high  par- 
ty, primed  with  all  fashionable  folks,  may  be  stormed 
by  a  jovial,  rough,  round,  and  ready  president.  Choose 
your  text  with  discretion  ;  the  sermon  may  be  as  you 
like.  Should  a  drunkard  or  an  ass  break  in  with  any- 
thing out  of  joint,  if  you  can  parry  with  a  jest,  good 
and  well ;  if  not,  do  not  exert  your  serious  authority, 


22  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 

unless  it  is  something  very  bad.  The  authority  even 
of  a  chairman  ought  to  be  very  cautiously  exercised. 
With  patience  you  will  have  the  support  of  every  one. 

"  3ni,  When  you  have  drunk  a  few  glasses,  to  play 
the  good  fellow  and  banish  modesty  (if  you  are  unlucky 
enough  to  have  such  a  troublesome  companion),  then 
beware  of  the  cup  too  much.  Nothing  is  so  ridiculous 
as  a  drunken  president. 

"  Lastly,  Always  speak  short,  and  skeocli  dock  na  slid 
— cut  a  tale  with  a  drink." 


SPEECHES  AT  THE  DINNER-TABLE. 

To  speak  really  well  at  the  convivial  table  requires 
considerable  and  varied  talent,  reading,  and  obser- 
vation. To  shine  on  such  occasions,  it  is  necessary 
that  one  should  possess  wit,  a  command  of  language, 
and  a  good  degree  of  taste  and  judgment.  Unless  a 
man  is  armed  with  some  of  these  gifts,  at  least,  it  will 
be  a  hazardous  thing  for  him  to  undertake  a  regular 
speech  at  the  dinjier-table. 

If,  however,  a  man  is  called  up  at  table,  he  must  say 
something,  if  it  is  no  more  than  to  apologize  for  not 
responding  in  a  speech.  And  even  this  little  matter 
may  be  done  so  gracefully  and  good-naturedly  that  he 
will  sit.  down  amid  the  applause  of  the  whole  table. 
If  he  feels  himself  totally  unable  to  make  any  kind  of 
a  speech,  lie  may  resort  to  pome  such  little  trick  as 
Baying,  that  Ms  friends  knew  very  well  when  they 


SPEECHES    AT   THE    DINNER-TABLE.  23 

called  him  up,  that  he  had  conscientious  scruples 
against  speech-making  at  any  time,  and  especially  at 
such  a  dinner  as  this,  where  there  is  so  much  [rood 
victuals  and  wine  to  be  enjoyed.  He  would,  therefore, 
content  himself  with  thanking  the  gentlemen  for  their 
kindness,  and  leave  them  to  the  uninterrupted  enjoy- 
ment of  the  good  wine  spread  before  them,  until  some 
gentleman  shall  be  called  up  who  will  make  a  speech 
worthy  of  the  great  treat  to  which  they  have  been 
invited.  Ary  good-natured  turn  like  this  is  infinitely 
better  than  a  dull  speech  at  table.  Besides,  it  is  not 
expected,  nor  desired,  that  every  person  who  is  called 
up  at  table  should  make  a  speech.  It  is  customary  to 
extend  the  compliment  to  all,  bat  it  is  not  expected  that 
those  will  inflict  a  speech  who  are  incapable  of  making 
one.  But  every  one  ought  to  be  able  to  return  his 
thanks  to  gentlemen  gracefully,  or  perhaps  to  tell  sonio 
appropriate  story  to  set  the  table  in  a  roar. 

The  eloquence  of  the  dinner  table  should  always  be 
of  a  quiet  tone  of  voice,  with  a  pleased  and  friendly 
countenance,  and  very  little,  if  any  kind  of  action  or 
gesture,  should  be  indulged  in.  Loud  and  boisterous 
declamation  at  such  times  would  be  both  out  of  place 
arid  ridiculous. 

Good  jokes  and  merriment  are  always  in  order  at 
dinner,  but  the  mirth  and  hilarity  must  be  tempered 
with  good  sense  and  a  delicate  observance  of  pro- 
priety. All  strained  attempts  at  facetiousness  by  one 
who  has  not  a  natural  talent  for  it,  are  sure  to  end  in 
making  him  ridiculous.  Therefore,  let  no  man  ven- 
ture upon  gay  sallies  at  dinner  unless  they  so  press 


'21:  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER 

forward  to  his  lips  as  to  escape  almost  hi  si)ite  of  him. 
One  gains  far  more  credit  by  slip  wing  that  he  duly 
appreciates  the  wit  of  others,  and  genially  laughing  in 
the  right  places,  than  he  can  by  vain  attempts  of  his 
own.  Dr.  Johnson  says,  we  take  no  more  pleasure  in 
peeing  a  man  btrive  to  be  witty  and  fail,  than  we 
should  in  seeing  him  attempt  to  jump  over  a  ditch  and 
fall  iii to  it. 

It  is  often  the  case  that  those  who  converse  well  at 
table  still  make  the  worst  of  speeches  at  the  convivial 
meeting.  What  a  pity  that  a  man  who  is  good 
in  conversation  should  destroy  his  influence  by  bad 
speeches !  When  one  who  is  called  up  at  table  finds 
himself  confused  and  unable  to  give  utterance  to  his 
ideas,  as  is  often  the  case  with  the  inexperienced,  the 
only  thing  for  him  to  do  is  to  stop  at  once,  and  resume 
his  seat  before  he  makes  himself  ridiculous.  The  fol- 
lowing specimen  of  an  after-dinner  speech  is  not  worse 
than  is  quite  often  heard  at  the  merry  table  :  "  This  I 
may,  gentlemen — that  is,  perhaps,  I  may  be  allowed  to 
observe — to  remark,  rather  as  remarkably  expressive 
of  my  feelings  on  this  occa — on  the  present  occasion — 
that  is,  gentlemen — that  I  consider  this — I  am  sure  I 
need  not  say — and  I  say  it  without  hesitation — that 
this  is  the  proudest  moment  of  as  I  was  about  to  soy, 
my  life  (pause).  For  as  the  fabled  bird  of  poetry,  the 
phoenix  of  our  immortal  bard,  derives  new  vitality 
from  the  ashes  of,  if  I  may  be  allowed  the  expression, 
an  expired,  an  extinct  existence,  so  docs  the  calm  seren- 
ity of  age  emanate  from  thu  transitory  turbulence  of 
youth  (pause).  And,  gentlemen—  gentlemen,  I  need 


SPEECHES   AT   THE   DINNER-TABLE.  25 

not  add — need  not  add,  as  it  were,  in  a  manner  pro- 
vided, on  the  present  occasion,  as  I  was  about  to  say, 
that  language  is  inadequate,  inadequate  to  express,  to 
utter  the  sublimity  of  my  emotions."  Many  a  man  of 
pretty  good  sense  may  make  as  incoherent  and  ridic- 
ulous a  speech  as  this  under  the  nervous  excitement 
produced  by  being  unexpectedly  called  up  at  table. 

We  have  often  seen  distinguished  statesmen  make 
sorry  enough  failures  at  the  dinner-table,  by  attempt- 
ing those  graceful  sallies  of  levity  which  are  not  in 
their  vein.  On  this  account,  great  men  are  often  great 
bores  at  table.  When  Dr.  Johnson  was  asked  why 
he  was  not  invited  out  to  dine  as  often  as  Garrick  was, 
he  answered,  with  characteristic  ill-nature,  "  Because 
great  lords  and  ladies  don't  like  to  have  their  mouths 
stopped."  Well,  who  do  like  to  have  their  mouths 
stopped  ?  The  man  who  is  in  the  habit  of  stopping 
people's  mouths  ought  never  to  be  invited  to  dinner, 
where  good  nature,  amiability,  and  a  moderate  degree 
of  self-satisfaction  are  desirable  in  all. 

Avoid  by  all  means  occupying  more  than  your  share 
of  the  time  in  talking.  A  quiet  deportment  and  an 
unembarrassed  modesty,  are  at  all  times  indicative  of 
the  well-bred  man.  Very  loud  talking  is  especially 
unbecoming  at  table—  it  will  impress  gentlemen  that 
TOU  arf  more  familiar  with  the  manners  of  the  bar- 
room than  with  the  habits  of  polite  society.  Whisper- 
ing at  such  times  is  quite  as  great  a  breach  of  etiquette. 

Long  speeches  are  almost  always  a  bore — a  man 
must  be  invariably  facetious  who  can  with  impunity 
Bpin  out  a  speech  of  moro  than  ten  minutes'  length  at 
2 


26  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 

dinner.  A  few  amiable  words  of  thanks  to  the  gentle- 
men who  have  called  him  up,  a  pleasant  allusion  to 
the  host,  or  to  the  occasion  in  honor  of  which  the  din- 
ner is  given,  and,  if  he  is  equal  to  it,  some  good- 
natured  and  telling  hit  at  somebody,  or  something,  is 
all  that  should  be  attempted.  To  "  set  the  table  in  a 
roar,"  and  not  to  set  it  gaping,  should  be  the  object  of 
the  convivial  orator. 

Always  before  you  go  to  a  dinner  where  speaking 
and  toasting  is  likely  to  be  the  order  of  the  day,  be 
careful  to  arm  yourself  with  at  least  one  good  toast  and 
some  anecdote  suitable  to  the  occasion.  With  a  good 
toast  and  an  anecdote  at  your  tongue's  end,  you  can 
hardly  fail  to  make  a  respectable  response  to  what- 
ever call  may  be  made  upon  you. 


SPEECH  AT  THE  OPENING  OF  AN  EATING  SALOON 
OR  HOTEL. 

Some  people,  who  are  very  ambitious  to  shine  at 
table,  are  in  the  habit  of  carefully  preparing  a  little 
Ipeech,  and  then  writing  a  toast  to  call  it  out,  which 
they  hand  to  a  friend,  with  the  request  that  he  will 
offer  it,  at  a  proper  time,  and  call  upon  them  to  re- 
spond to  it.  At  a  splendid  feast  which  was  given  to  the 
press  on  the  opening  of  Taylor's  grand  saloon  on  the 
corner  of  Broadway  and  Franklin  streets,  a  gentleman 
said  to  another  as  he  entered,  "  You  will  be  invited  to 
take  the  chair — here  is  a  toast  which  I  want  you  to 


SPEECH  AT  AN   OPENING.  27 

read  when  we  have  got  a  little  warmed  with  wine, 
and  call  on  me  to  respond."  In  due  time  the  follow- 
ing toast  was  read  :  "  To  all  good  eating  and  good  eaters 
— as  on  the  present  occasion,  where  the  latter  exist  may 

the  former  never  be  wanting"     And  M was  asked 

to  respond,  which  he  did  nearly  as  follows :  "  Mr. 
Chairman,  as  that  toast  is  one  to  which  any  well  man 
might  heartily  respond,  I  shall  not  consider  that  any 
especial  reference  to  my  eating  ability  was  intended  by 
my  being  called  up  to  respond.  I  acknowledge  a  fair 
appreciation  of  good  eating,  and  I  am  always  happy 
to  associate  with  good  livers — especially  at  meal  times 
— (laughter  and  applause),  and  my  experience  has  led 
me  to  adopt  the  idea  of  Lord  Byron,  who  said  that  ho 
'  had  generally  found  good  livers  to  be  amiable  gen- 
tlemen and  good  friends/  The  Duke  of  York  pro- 
nounced the  Almanack  for  Gourmands  the  most  de- 
lightful book  ever  issued  from  the  press,  and  I  must  say 
that  I  have  rarely  known  a  great  man,  a  man  of  vigor- 
ous brain  and  well-sustained  mental  powers,  who  was 
a  despiser  of  good  living.  The  ancients  were  not  so 
much  to  be  laughed  at,  who  considered  the  stomach  the 
seat  of  our  noblest  faculties  and  affections.  Old  Per- 
sius  called  it  *  the  dispenser  of  genius/  and  the  He- 
brews regarded  it  as  the  head-quarters  of  intellect, 
while  the  Hindoos,  to  this  day,  hold  it  to  be  the  seat  of 
all  the  delightful  affections  ;  and,  if  we  wanted  further 
proof,  we  have  it  in  the  delight  and  enthusiasm  with 
which  the  learned  guests  at  this  table  are  addressing 
themselves  to  this  intensely  active  fountain  of  their 
genius — (laughter  and  applause).  Eating,  gentlemen, 


28  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 

is  a  great  spur  to  industry,  and  a  mighty  pusher  of 
commerce.  Could  we  live  without  eating,  all  the 
world  would  be  idle,  and  the  ships,  which  now  fly  be- 
fore the  winds  on  every  sea,  would  fold  their  wings 
and  drift  listless  and  empty  along  the  desolate  shores. 
It  is  eating  which  rears  such  magnificent  palaces  as 
this,  which  gives  employment  to  so  many  millions  of 
men  and  women  all  over  the  world,  in  coining  brick 
out  of  the  earth,  hewing  stone  from  the  quarry,  gather- 
ing timber  from  the  forest,  constructing  these  superb 
decorations  of  art,  and  finally,  in  meting  out  the 
delicate  fruits  and  luxuries  which  will  be  served  within 
these  walls  to  the  thousands  who  will  come  here  to 
forget  care,  and  to  refresh  themselves  with  renewed 
joy  and  vigor  to  meet  the  shock  of  their  daily  toils. 
One  man,  who  rears  a  temple  of  luxury  like  this,  does 
more  for  mankind  than  the  whole  tribe  of  vegetarian, 
anti-eating,  lean-stomached  and  leaner-brained  reform- 
ers, who  have  dragged  their  sluggish  beings  across  the 
earth  since  time  began — (great  applause).  So,  sir, 
allow  me  to  vary  your  toast  by  wishing  that  the  shad- 
ows of  good  eaters  may  never  be  less,  and  may  bad  eaters 
have  no  shadows  at  aM." 

This  speech  was  delivered  in  a  careless,  half- waggish 
style,  which  well  suited  the  temper  of  a  party  of  intel- 
ligent men  who  had  just  partaken  of  an  extraordinarily 
fine  dinner,  and  were  sufficiently  warmed  with  generous 
wine  to  render  them  appreciative  of  anything  which 
could  be  said  in  praise  of  good  living. 


SPEECH   OP   A   WINE-MERCHANT.  29 


SPEECH  OF  AN  OLD  BACHELOR. 

An  old  batchelor,  who  was  toasted  at  a  party  of 
n.crry  friends,  by  way  of  twitting  him  of  his  obstinate 
celibacy,  replied,  that  he  was  not  so  far  gone  as  to  have 
any  word  to  utter  in  praise  of  his  condition,  especially 
in  the  presence  of  so  many  gentlemen  who  luxuriate  in 
the  sweets  of  matrimony .  He  should  attempt  no  eulogy 
of  his  misfortune,  but  must  defend  himself  from  any 
suspicion  that  he  was  indifferent  to  the  charms  and 
excellencies  of  the  fair  sex.  He  remembered  a  cele- 
brated wit,  who,  when  he  was  asked  why  he  did  not 
marry  a  young  lady  to  whom  he  was  attached,  replied, 
"  I  know  not,  except  the  great  regard  we  have  for 
eacli  other." 

Any  happy  turn  like  this  is  always  in  good  taste, 
and  is  sure  to  put  the  table  in  excellent  temper.  It 
turned  the  banter  upon  the  married  guests  without  the 
bad  taste  of  railing  against  marriage. 


SPEECH  OF  A  WINE-MERCHANT. 

At  the  opening  of  a  feast  the  following  toast  was 
offered  :  "  At  this  table,  as  ever,  may  wine  be  the  whetstone 
of  toil ;"  and  a  celebrated  wine-merchant,  who  was 
present,  was  called  up  to  respond.  He  stated  that  in 
the  presence  of  such  excellent  livers,  and  before  so 
many  gentlemen  of  taste  and  wit,  good  wine  needed 
no  eulogy.  Great  wits  were  always  appreciators  of 


30  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 

good  wine.  Goldsmith  called  it  "  the  philosopher 
which  drives  away  care,  and  makes  us  forget  whatever 
is  disagreeable."  Sir  Joshua  Reynolds  maintained 
that  wine  "  improved  conversation  and  benevolence." 
"I  am,"  said  he,  " in  very  good  spirits  when  I  get  up 
in  the  morning  ;  by  dinner-time  I  am  exhausted  ;  wine 
puts  me  in  the  same  state  as  when  I  got  up,  and  I  am 
sure  that  wine  makes  people  talk  better."  The  famous 
solicitor  Spotiswoode  once  declared  at  a  public  din- 
ner-party, that  "  wine  makes  a  man  better  pleased  with 
himself."  Dr.  Johnson  replied, <l  and  to  make  a  man 
better  pleased  with  himself,  let  me  tell  you,  is  doing  a 
very  great  thing."  Sir  William  Forbes  wittily  remark- 
ed, that  "  a  man  warmed  with  wine  was  like  a  bottle  of 
beer,  which  is  made  brisker  by  being  set  before  the 
fire."  Burke  was  a  lover  of  generous  wine,  and  when 
Dr.  Johnson,  who  was  always  trying  to  disagree  with 
everybody,  gave  the  following  scale  of  liquors,  "  claret 
for  boys — port  for  men — brandy  for  heroes  " — Burke 
replied,  "  Let  me  have  claret,  then :  I  love  to  be  a 
boy  ;  to  have  the  careless 'gay  ety  of  boyish  days  again." 
Wine  has.  in  all  ages  of  the  world,  been  a  classic  bond 
of  good-fellowship  between  heroes,  philosophers,  and 
great  men.  Sir  Joshua  Reynolds  declared,  that  "  At 
first  the  taste  of  wine  was  disagreeable  to  me  ;  but  I 
brought  myself  to  drink  it  that  I  might  be  like  other 
people.  The  pleasure  of  drinking  Tine  is  so  con- 
nected with  pleasing  your  company,  that  altogether 
there  is  something  of  social  goodness  m  it."  But  the 
highest  thing  to  be  said  in  praise  of  wine — and  one 
which  I  know  this  party  will  appreciate— is,  that  it 


SPEECH   OP   A   WINE-MERCHANT.  31 

has  immemorially  been  associated  with  the  beauty  of 
women.  "  Woman  and  wine  "  are  twin  words  which 
go  hand-in-hand  together,  and  everywhere  warm  the 
coldest  hearts  with  the  glow  of  feeling  and  gush  of 
hope  that  form  the  sweetest  ingredients  in  the  cup  of 
life.  Byron's  famous  toast — 

"  Give  us  wine  and  women — mirth  and  laughter, 
Sermons  and  soda-water  the  day  after — " 

will  never  want  for  admirers.  What  poet  has  not  cele- 
brated the  pleasures  of  wine  ?  But  for  wine  much  of 
the  sweetest  poetry  of  the  world  were  unsung.  The 
sweet  songs  of  Anacreon,  of  Harfcz,  of  Burns,  of 
Moore,  and  a  glorious  list  of  bards  too  numerous  to 
mention,  were  all  unsung  but  for  the  charms  and  in- 
spirations of  wine.  Gentlemen,  I  have  ventured  to 
dwell  so  long  upon  this  subject  because  I  supposed 
that  to  praise  wine  in  your  presence  was  like  enter- 
taining a  lover  with  a  eulogy  on  the  charms  of  his 
mistress.  And  in  taking  my  seat,  allow  me  to  give 
you  a  sentiment  which  I  beg  you  will  not  consider  as 
professional — " May  we  never  be  out  of  spirits" 

There  are  several  good  points  in  the  above  speech  : 
the  opinion  of  celebrated  men  on  the  use  of  wine  is 
classical  and  interesting  ;  the  language  is  easy  and 
natural  ;  there  is  no  straining  after  effect,  or  vain 
reaching  after  wit  and  humor  ;  and  yet  there  is  con- 
siderable pleasant  and  genuine  humor  in  it,  which 
could  not  fail  to  put  the  company  in  a  pleased  and 
satisfied  frame  of  mind. 


32  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 

A  SILENT  MAN'S  SPEECH. 

On  another  occasion,  a  talking  man  had  made  a 
dashing,  flowery  speech,  in  extravagant  praise  of  the 
host,  the  dinner,  and  everything  at  the  table,  and 
finally  sat  down,  by  calling  upon  a  gentleman,  in  a 
bantering  way,  who  was  known  for  his  extreme 
silence,  to  get  up  and  say  something  in  praise  of  such 
an  excellent  feast.  The  person  thus  rallied  rose  very 
slowly,  and  with  a  quiet  and  good-natured  leer  replied 
that,  for  his  part,  he  believed  all  that  the  eloquent 
gentlemen  who  had  just  taken  his  seat  had  said ;  a 
fact  which  reminded  him  of  an  old  Athenian,  who  was 
deficient  in  eloquence,  but  whose  bravery  was  never 
doubted, — and  when  one  of  his  competitors,  in  a  long 
and  flowery  speech,  made  great  professions  of  what 
he  would  do,  arose  and  said,  "  Men  of  Athens !  all 
that  he  has  promised,  /will  do."  The  silent  gentle- 
man took  his  seat  amid  a  general  roar  and  laughter 
of  applause. 


SPEECH  OF  A  MAN  WHO  DOES  NOT  MAKE  SPEECHES. 

We  were  once  at  a  dinner-table  in  Philadelphia, 
when  the  business  of  speech-making  and  story-telling 
was  pushed,  almost  with  annoying  haste,  and  where  one 
gentleman,  more  silent  than  the  rest,  was  continually 
bantered  and  pushed  up  to  say  something.  At  length 
the  host  laughingly  declared,  that  he  should  either 
make  a  speech,  or  tell  a  story,  or  leave  the  table.  The 


A   RIDDLE   INSTEAD    OF   A   SPEECH.  o3 

gentleman  rose  and  replied,  that  he  had  found  the 
host's  wine  too  good  to  lose  time  in  talking,  but  as 
he  had  been  commanded  so  emphatically  to  speak,  he 
did  not  feel  at  liberty  to  refuse  any  longer,  especially 
as  the  object  of  so  much  speaking  might  be  to  save 
wine,  for  men  can't  drink  while  talking.  He  remem- 
bered a  story  of  the  wife  of  the  great  Dr.  Bentham, 
who  asked  a  person  that  applied  for  the  place  of  foot- 
man in  her  family,  if  he  could  whistle.  "  Why  is  that 
necessary  ?"  said  the  man.  "  Because,"  said  the  lady, 
"  I  expect  my  footman  to  whistle  all  the  time  he  is  in 
the  cellar,  to  be  certain  he  is  not  drinking  the  wine." 
"  Now,"  added  the  gentleman,  "  as  I  am  not  a  speech- 
maker,  I  will  whistle  my  portion  of  the  time,  in  order 
to  make  the  rest  of  you  sure  of  your  portion  of  the 
wine."  &Lf  4  •  .  A  L 

I  need  not  say  that  this  set  the  table  in  a  roar,  and 
was  "  the  speech  of  the  evening." 


A  RIDDLE  INSTEAD  OF  A  SPEECH. 

I  once  knew  a  man  to  make  himself  agreeable  at 
table  by  telling  a  riddle ;  which  shows  that,  if  a  man 
cannot  make  a  speech,  nor  tell  a  story,  nor  sing  a 
song,  he  at  least  may  go  armed  with  some  such  little 
thing  as  a  pleasant  riddle,  which  will  enable  him  to 
contribute  his  share  to  the  general  fund  of  the  enter- 
tainment. The  gentleman,  though  a  fine  scholar,  was 
so  little  gifted  in  speech  that  he  could  not  even  tell  a 

9.* 


34  THE  MODEL  SPEECH-MAKER. 

ntory  respectably,  and  when  rallied  upon  his  silence, 
and  asked  if  such  fine  wine  did  not  inspire  him  either 
to  talk  or  sing  about  it,  he  replied,  that  he  neither  sung 
nor  made  speeches,  but  he  could  tell  them  an  Italian 
riddle  about  wine,  which  was, "  Per  mancamento  $  acqua 
bevo  del  acqua;  se  io  havesse  acqua  beverei  el  vino77 — • 
"  For  want  of  water  I  am  forced  to  drink  water ;  if  I 
had  water,  I  would  drink  wine."  After  every  gentle- 
man at  the  table  had  tried  in  vain  to  solve  the  riddle, 
the  explanation  was  given.  It  was  the  speech  of  an 
Italian  vineyard-man,  after  a  long  drought  and  an 
extremely  hot  summer,  that  had  parched  up  all  his 
grapes,  and  thus  a  want  of  water  had  forced  him  to 
drink  water,  by  destroying  his  wine  crop. 


A  GEOGRAPHICAL  SPEECH. 

At  a  dinner-party  lately  given  to  several  learned 
gentlemen  in  New  York,  the  conversation  became 
heavy  with  a  prolonged  discussion  on  the  comparative 
merits  of  different  geographical  works,  when  a  face- 
tious guest  put  a  stop  to  the  tedious  discussion,  by  say- 
ing, "  Now,  gentlemen,  I  protest  against  all  this  ;  I 
am  a  geographical  disciple  of  a  jocular  member  of  a 
literary  club  which  existed  in  London  at  the  period  of 
our  Revolutionary  war,  who  contended  that  it  '  is 
now  become  ridiculous  to  adhere  to  the  old  divisions 
of  the  globe.  The  name  of  Europe  reminds  us  of  the 
indelicate  story  of  Europa  and  the  bull  Jupiter  ;  Asia 


SPEECH  ON   DLSNEBS.  35 

of  luxurious  nabobs  ;  Africa'  of  the  guinea  coast,  at  a 
time  when,  alas !  guineas  are  as  scarce  as  Roman 
coins ;  America  of  those  unnatural  children  who  are 
fighting  with  their  mother/  ;: 

It  need  not  be  said  that  this  ingenious  turn  put  a 
stop  to  the  dull  geographical  controversy. 


SPEECH  ON   GIVING-  AND  EATING  DINNERS. 

At  a  feast  where  the  following  toast  was  offered, "  To 
aU  who  give  good  dinners,  and  to  all  who  are  invited  to 
them"  the  gentleman  called  upon  to  respond  remark- 
ed, that  this  sentiment  was  a  very  comprehensive  one, 
embracing  the  two  great  divisions  of  polite  society ; 
in  one  or  the  other  of  which  the  greatest  names  of 
history  might  be  classified.  For  instance,  at  the  head 
of  the  list  of  eminent  dinner-givers  we  may  arrange 
such  a  name  as  that  of  Lord  Chancellor  Erskine,  who, 
\vliile  sitting  upon  the  bench,  used  to  amuse  himself  in 
sketching  turtles  upon  cards,  with  a  certain  day  and 
hour  written  upon  the  margin,  which  he  was  in  the 
habit  of  passing  to  his  friends  in  court,  as  dinner  in- 
vitations. And  then,  at  the  top  of  the  list  of  celebrated 
diners-out,  is  the  great  Doctor  Johnson,  of  whose  dis- 
courses, sayings,  and  repartees  at  table,  Mr.  Boswell 
"has  made  a  big  book.  No  doubt  if  all  the  learned, 
wise,  sharp,  pungent,  and  witty  speeches  and  sayings 
which  have  been  made  at  table  were  collected  into' 
books,  they  would  form  a  library,  which  for  wisdom 


36  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 

and  number  of  volumes,  would  outrival  the  famous 
Alexandrian.  At  table  men  forget  their  formal  phi- 
losophies and  stilted  opinions,  and  come  down  to  the 
simplicity  of  nature  itself;  and  there  is,  therefore, 
good  reason  for  the  custom  practised  by  all  polite 
nations,  of  settling  nearly  all  affairs  of  public  or 
private  interest  by  calling  the  parties  most  concern- 
ed together  for  a  free  and  friendly  intercourse  at 
dinner.  Rev.  Sidney  Smith,  when  dining  with  a  party 
of  literary  gentlemen,  compared  Mr.  Canning,  who 
was  then  in  office,  to  a  fly  in  amber.  "  Nobody,"  said 
he,  "  cares  about  the  fly  ;  the  only  question  is,  How 
the  devil  did  it  get  there  ?  Nor  do  I  attack  him  for 
the  love  of  glory,  but  for  the  love  of  utility,  as  a  burgo- 
master hunts  rats  in  a  Dutch  dyke,  for  fear  it  should 
flood  a  province.  When  he  is  jocular  he  is  strong  ; 
when  he  is  serious  he  is  like  Samson  in  a  wig.  Call 
him  a  legislator,  a  reasoner,  and  the  conductor  of  the 
aifairs  of  a  great  nation,  and  it  seems  to  me  as  absurd 
as  if  a  butterfly  were  to  teach  bees  to  make  honey. 
That  he  is  an  extraordinary  writer  of  small  poetry, 
and  a  diner-out  of  the  highest  lustre,  I  do  most  readily 
admit.  After  George  Selwyn,  and  perhaps  Tickell, 
there  has  been  no  such  man  for  this  last  half  century." 
Nowhere  but  at  dinner  could  so  free,  and  racy,  and 
unstudied,  and  witty  a  criticism  have  fallen  from  the 
lips  of  even  Sidney  Smith.  Therefore,  gentlemen,  in 
an  intellectual,  social,  and  critical  point  of  view,  you 
do  well  to  toast  those  who  give  and  eat  good  dinners. 


SPEECH   OF   A   SOBER   MAN.  b/ 

SPEECH  OF  A  SOBER  MAN  AT  A  DRINKING-PARTY. 

I  was,  a  few  years  ago,  dining  with  some  merry  fel- 
lows, mostly  military  men,  in  the  city  of  Baltimore, 
who  were  quite  uproarious  with  deep  drinking  and  loud 
laughter  ;  all  but  one  gentleman,  who  was  of  a  less 
excitable  temperament  than  the  rest,  and  who  to  a  late 
hour  remained  comparatively  sober.  Of  course  all 
pitched  at  him.  One  called  on  him  for  a  speech.  An- 
other said,  "  No,  he  is  not  drunk  enough  to  make  a  good 
speech  ;  but  he  shall  tell  an  anecdote ; ';  and  so  "  Anec- 
dote ! "  "  Anecdote ! "  rung  from  a  dozen  voices. 
"  Well,"  said  the  quiet  gentleman,  "  your  complaint  of 
my  want  of  merriment  reminds  me  of  an  anecdote  of 
the  famous  General  Gustavus  Adolphus,  who  impetu- 
ously overran  the  greatest  part  of  Germany,  and  sur- 
mounted every  obstacle  opposed  to  his  arms.  When 
he  was  besieging  Ingolstadt,  his  horse  was  killed  under 
him  by  a  cannon  ball.  His  chancellor  entreated  him 
not  to  risk  his  life  so  often.  Gustavus  replied  with 
warmth,  "  You  are  always  too  cold  ;  and  you  stop  my 
progress."  "  True,  sire,"  said  the  chancellor,  "  I  con- 
fess I  am  colcl ;  but  if  I  did  not  sometimes  throw  a 
little  of  my  ice  into  your  fire,  you  would  be  burnt  to 
ashes."  "  Now,  gentlemen,"  said  he,  laughing,  "  what 
would  become  of  this  party  if  I  did  not  keep  sober  ? 
The  way  you  go  on  storming  this  army  of  bottles,  your 
legs  will  soon  be  under  your  bodies,  very  much  in  the 
condition  of  General  Adolphus'  horse  under  its  rider, 
at  the  battle  of  Ingolstadt,  and  then  I  shall  be  here 
like  the  chancellor  to  support  the  fallen  heroes." 


88  THE  MODEL  SPEECH-MAKER. 

SPEECH  ON   METAPHYSICS. 

At  a  dinner-party  in  Boston,  where  two  or  three 
men  of  learning  monopolized  the  whole  time  in  talking 
metaphysics,  one  of  them  at  length  banteringly  asked 
a  young  gentleman  who  had  just  graduated,  if  he  could 
favor  the  company  with  a  metaphysical  speech  ;  where- 
upon the  rest  began  thumping  the  table  and  calling 
"  speech ! "  "  speech ! "  The  graduate  got  slowly  up, 
and  said  that  he  felt  honored  in  being  called  upon  to 
make  a  speech  on  metaphysics,  especially  in  the  pres- 
ence of  so  many  learned  metaphysicians  as  he  saw 
before  him.  He  had  listened  attentively  to  their 
learned  and  interesting  conversation,  which  had  re- 
minded him  of  a  Scotch  blacksmith's  definition  of 
metaphysics,  which  was  as  follows  :  "  Twa  fouk  dis- 
putin'  thagither  ;  he  that's  listenin'  disna  ken  what  he 
that's  speakin'  means  ;  and  he  that's  speakin'  disna  ken 
what  he  means  himself ;  that's  metaphysics." 

This  palpable  hit  produced  an  uproarious  laugh,  and 
the  student  had  the  tact  to  sit  down  in  the  midst  of  it, 
for  nothing  that  he  could  add  would  increase  the  repu- 
tation which  he  had  in  a  single  minute  gained  as  a  wit 
and  a  man  of  sense. 


SPEECH  ON  STRONG-MINDED   WOMEN. 

At  a  late  anniversary  dinner  of  one  of  the  New  York 
societies,  the  following  volunteer   toast  was  offered  : 


SPEECH   ON   STRONG-MINDED   WOMEN.  30 

"  Strong-minded  women — may  their  sliadoius  ever  le 
less." 

The  gentleman  who  volunteered  to  respond,  said 
there  was  a  remarkable  propriety  in  the  language  of 
the  latter  clause  of  this  toast,  as  the  strong-minded 
women  are  undoubtedly  a  shadoio,  instead  of  a  warm 
and  cheerful  fire-light,  upon  the  domestic  hearth.  They 
are  indeed  sliadoivs,  and  not  sun-beams,  in  the  path  of 
life,  and  on  the  threshold  of  home.  In  their  coarse 
and  clamorous  demand  to  be  allowed  to  mix  in  elec- 
tions, how  unlike  the  virtuous  and  exemplary  Madame 
de  Longueville,  who,  when  she  was  advised  to  appear  at 
Court  in  order  to  set  the  courtiers  an  example,  replied, 
"  I  cannot  set  a  better  example  than  to  stay  at  home, 
and  not  go  to  Court  at  all."  For  women  past  their 
prime,  for  old  termigants,  or  those  of  a  cracked  rep- 
utation, women Vrights  meetings  are  natural  places 
enough  ;  but,  for  a  fair  and  virtuous  young  girl  to  be 
seen  there,  is  as  ungraceful  a  sight  as  it  would  be  to 
see  a  bunch  of  June  roses  growing  in  the  midst  of  the 
geese  and  pigs  of  a  barn-yard.  I  remember  a  song 
which  used  to  b.e  sung  when  I  was  a  boy,  and  it  was 
an  old  song  then,  called  the  "  Miller's  Wife,"  which  was 
a  faithful  portrait  of  our  modern  convention  scolds  : 

THE  MILLER'S  WIFE. 

"  The  miller  leads  a  noisy  life 

E'en  at  the  very  best ; 
But  should  he  have  a  scolding  wife, 

He's  sure  to  have  no  rest : 
Her  tongue,  unlike  the  mill, 

Does  never  motion  lack, 


dO  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 

For  that  is  sometimes  still, 
But  she  goes  always  clack, 

Click,  clack ! 

Click,  clack! 

Good  lack! 

G-oodlack! 

No  rest  her  tongue  e'er  finding, 
'Tis  always,  always  grinding; 

Clipper,  clapper, 

Glitter,  clatter, 

Tor  all  the  world  like  my  mill  hopper, 
And  the  devil  himself  can't  stop  her." 


SPEECH  ON  MODEST  WOMEK 

When  the  following  toast  was  proposed,  "  Our  wives 
and  sweethearts — may  the  love  which  ivas  won  by  their 
beauty  be  kept  fresh  and  perennial  by  the  modesty  that 
adorns  their  lives"  a  gentleman  remarked  that  this 
sentiment,  like  the  toasts  given  to  presidents  and  kings, 
should  be  drunk  standing  and  in  silence.  Modesty  is  a 
jewel  beyond  price,  and  beyond  the  power  of  descrip- 
tion. In  men,  it  is  the  shadow  of  a  noble  mind ;  in 
women,  it  is  the  light  of  a  pure  soul.  St.  Bernard 
happily  styles  it,  "  the  jewel  of  manners,  the  sister  of 
chastity,  the  guardian  of  reputation,  the  portion  of  all 
goodness."  Diogenes,  the  cynic  philosopher,  called 
the  blush  of  modesty,  "  the  color  of  virtue."  Rov,e 

"From  every  blush  that  kindles  in  thy  cheeks, 
Ten  thousand  little  loves  and  graces  spring 
To  revel  in  the  roses." 


41 

Allow  me,  gentlemen,  to  vary  the  language  of  the 
toast,  so  that  it  shall  read,  "  May  the  modesty  of  our 
wives  and  sweethearts  never  fail  to  keep  the  footprints 
of  our  affections  from  being  discovered  beyond  the  sacred 
domain  of  home" 


SAMUEL  LOVER'S  SPEECH  ON  THE  "  LASSES." 

I  had  the  pleasure  to  be  present  at  the  grand  cen- 
tenial  festival  which  was  given  in  Glasgow,  and  which 
occasion  was  also  celebrated  all  over  the  civilized 
world,  in  honor  of  Scotland's  immortal  poet,  Robert 
Burns.  Towards  the  close  of  the  magnificent  feast, 
Samuel  Lover,  the  Irish  song-writer  and  singer,  who 
now  resides  on  a  small  estate  near  Glasgow,  came 
forward  and  said  :  "At  a  very  short  notice  I  am  called 
upon  to  propose  a  toast ;  but  it  is  one  that  no  man 
could  probably  be  asked  to  propose  without  feeling 
that  a  great  compliment  and  a  great  privilege  had 
been  granted  to  him.  That  toast  is  *  The  Lassos.' 
(Cheers.)  Ladies  and  gentlemen,  it  seems  a  sort  of 
practical  pun  that  the  lasses  should  be  proposed  by 
a  Lover.  (Laughter.)  But  I  hope  the  ladies  that 
are  here  will  believe  that  an  Irish  lover  is  never 
deficient  in  paying  his  homage  to  what  has  well  been 
called  the  most  beautiful  half  of  the  human  rare. 
(Cheers.)  Ladies,  in  your  smile  exists  the  poet's  in- 
spiration, and  in  your  smile  exists  the  poet's  reward. 
There  never  was  a  poet  yet  that  didn't  worship  womeu 


12  THE  MODEL  SPEECH-MAKER. 

- — (hear,  hear) — and  preeminently  the  bard,  whose 
name  we  have  met  this  day  to  honor,  worshipped  '  the 
lasses,  0  I'  (Loud  applause.)  But  the  greatest  poet 
in  the  world,  whatever  may  be  his  power — and  the 
power  of  making  love  was  very  great  in  Robert 
Burns — can  never  make  love  by  himself.  He  must  have 
a  lady  to  help  him  (laughter)  ;  and,  I  must  say,  that 
from  all  my  experience,  very  good  helps  they  are. 
(Renewed  laughter.)  Shakespeare  has  comprised  under 
one  head  the  lunatic,  the  lover,  fftid  the  poet ;  and 
when  I  first  became  a  lover,  I  felt  convinced  that 
Shakespeare  was  right  in  saying  that  a  lover-  was  a 
lunatic — (laughter) — for  I  was  perfectly  mad.  (Much 
laughter.)  But  that  took  place  a  long  time  ago — about 
half  a  century — but  I  began  very  young.  (Roars  of 
laughter.)  And,  Mr.  Chairman,  ladies  and  gentleman 
— for  I  wish  to  call  as  many  witnesses  as  I  can  to  this 
fact — I  found  madness  so  delightful  that  I  think  I 
never  have  been  right  in  my  senses  since — (great 
laughter) — but  if  ever  I  have  had  a  lucid  interval,  it 
has  only  been  to  sigh  for  Bedlam  again,  and  call  upon 
Cupid  for  my  keeper.  (Cheers.)  A  very  interesting 
document  has  been  placed  in  my  hand  to  read  to  you 
to-night.  It  is  an  additional  verse  to  '  Green  grow 
the  rashes,  O/  composed  by  Robert  Burns,  the  son  of 
the  great  Robert  Burns.  The  lines  were  presented  by 
Mr.  Alexander  Maclagan,  author  of  "  Poems  and 
Songs,"  to  be  repeated.  In  reading  it,  I  shall  give  as 
much  attention  as  I  can  to  your  Scottish  dialect,  and 
if  I  make  mistakes,  pray  forgive  a  stranger."  Mr. 
Lover  then  read  the  following  verse,  which  was  re- 


BAM  SLICK'S  SPEECH.  43 

ceived  with  applause  ;  the  talented  reader's  manner  in. 
setting  off  the  Scotch  words  creating  considerable 
amusement : 

" Frae  man's  ain  side  God  made  his  wark, 

That  a'  the  lave  surpasses,  0 ; 
The  man  but  lo'es  his  ain  heart's  bluid 
Wha  dearly  lo'es  the  lasses,  0  1" 

Mr.  Lover  concluded  by  saying,  "  After  this,  of 
course,  it  woi  Id  be  trespassing  on  you  to  say  one  word 
more  than  to  give  the  toast,  and  I  hope  that  my  fair 
hearers  will  believe  me  when  I  say,  that  never  had 
they  a  truer,  or  a  warmer,  or  a  more  gallant  lover  than 
the  one  that  addresses  them."  (Loud  cheers.) 


SAM  SLICK'S  SPEECH  AT   THE  BURNS  CENTENNIAL 
IN  GLASGOW. 

At  the  great  Burns  Centennial  at  Glasgow,  Judge 
Haliburton  (Sam  Slick)  was  called  upon  to  read  the 
following  toast :  "  The  Scottish  Clergy"  In  doing 
so  he  said,  "  I  have  accepted  the  invitation  to  appear 
here  to-night  with  peculiar  pleasure.  A  hundred  and 
fifty  years  have  elapsed  since  my  family  left  the  bor- 
ders of  Scotland  to  seek  their  fortune  in  the  wilds  of 
America,  and  I  am  the  first  of  that  family  that  has 
made  his  appearance  in  his  fatherland; — (cheers) — and 
that  you  have  been  so  good  as  to  call  me  hear  to-night, 
as  your  guest,  overpowers  me  in  a  way  that  I  cannot 


44  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 

well  express.  I  have  been  honored  by  being  requested 
to  propose  a  toast,  which,  I  am  sure,  every  one  who  hears 
me  will  receive  with  a  most  cordial  and  affectionate 
response,  since  it  is  the  clergy  of  Scotland.  When  it 
was  first  proposed  to  me  to  give  this  toast,  I  confess 
that  I  was  considerably  embarrassed.  It  did  not  ap- 
pear to  me  particularly  appropriate  that  so  venerable, 
so  pious,  so  zealous,  and  so  learned  a  body  as  the 
Church  of  Scotland  should  be  given  by  the  humble 
author  of  Sam  Slick.  (Laughter  and  loud  cheers.)  I 
thought  perhaps  that  it  might  have  been  given  more 
appropriately  by  one  nearer  home,  and  better  able  to 
do  justice  to  such  a  subject ;  but  a  moment's  reflection 
taught  me  that  nothing  was  required  of  me  but  to  pro- 
pose it,  because  it  was  a  toast  that  spoke  for  itself,  as 
the  clergy  had  their  bond  of  union  with  the  country  in 
the  feelings,  and  sympathies,  and  hearts  of  the  people. 
Nothing,  therefore,  remained  for  me  to  do  but  to  pro- 
pose it,  for  their  eulogium  is  like  that  beautiful  in- 
scription, sublime  from  its  simplicity,  in  the  crypt  of 
St.  Paul's  Cathedral — the  inscription  to  the  immortal 
architect  who  raised  it — 6^  monumentum  quceris,  circum- 
spice.  (Cheers.)  In  like  manner,  the  eulogium  of  the 
clergy  of  Scotland  is  best  found  in  the  character  of  its 
people,  in  the  institutions  they  have  fostered,  in  that 
comprehensive  system  of  education  they  have  en- 
couraged, which  has  made  Scotland  preeminent  among 
the  nations.  Having  said  thus  much,  I  should  feel 
that  I  have  done  all  that  is  required  of  me  ;  but  the 
clergy  of  the  Church  of  Scotland  are  not  the  whole 
Scottish  clergy,  for  there  is  a  very  large  body  of  Scot- 


SAM  SLICK'S  SPEECH.  45 

tisli  clergymen  whom  they  have  sent  abroad,  as  learn- 
ed, as  pious,  as  laborious,  as  self-denying,  and  as  use- 
ful as  any,  in  British  North  America."  The  Hon. 
Judge  proceeded  to  describe  the  arduous  labors  and 
trials  of  the  Scottish  clergy  in  the  vast  territory  of 
British  North  America,  covering  as  it  did  a  ninth 
part  of  the  surface  of  the  globe,  and  proceeded  to  say, 
"  It  is  easy  to  draw  delusive  pictures,  as  I  saw  one 
drawn  the  other  day  by  a  skilful  artist,  who,  address- 
ing the  working-classes  of  Glasgow,  bade  them  go  to 
a  country  where  they  would  have  a  vote  in  the  repre- 
sentation, with  the  safeguard  of  the  ballot-box,  where 
there  were  no  taxes,  and  where  they  would  have  a 
happier  home  in  the  wilderness.  These  are  such 
very  pretty  pictures,  that  it  is  a  pity  they  are  fancy 
sketches,  and  not  realities.  (Laughter  and  cheers.) 
The  poor  settler  that  goes  to  that  country,  you  hear 
from  when  he  succeeds ;  but  do  you  ever  hear  from 
the  hundreds  who  perish  by  the  way,  who  carry  a 
broken  heart,  broken  hopes,  and  a  broken  constitution 
to  the  grave  ?  You  hear  not  from  them  :  all  you 
know  is,  that  they  have  gone  to  America,  and  that  they 
have  not  written,  or  that  their  letters  have  not  reach- 
ed you. 

"  I  am  delighted  to  see  here  the  venerable  and  learn- 
ed head  of  the  University  of  Glasgow — a  university 
so  renowned  throughout  the  world,  which  has  pro- 
duced so  many  statesmen,  poets,  judges,  lawyers,  and 
able  men  ;  and  I  am  delighted  also  to  see  the  Rev,  Dr. 
M'Leod,  whose  acquaintance  I  had  the  honor  and 
pleasure  of  making  on  the  other  side  of  the  Atlantic, 


46  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 

where  the  amenities  of  his  manner,  and  the  eloquence 
of  his  pulpit  oratory  will  long  be  remembered  by  the 
population  through  whom  he  passed.  (Cheers.)  I  am 
delighted  to  see  him  here,  farther,  because  he  can  bear 
witness  that  wherever  there  are  Scottish  clergymen, 
you  find  under  their  care  a  body  of  men  distinguished 
for  moral  and  religious  feeling,  for  frugality,  industry, 
and  general  respectability.  (Cheers.)  I  am  glad  to 
see  them,  further,  because  it  tells  me  that  by  the  end 
of  a  century  there  has  been  time  enough  to  weave  that 
cloak  of  charity  which  we  are  told  covers  a  multitude 
of  sins.  (Cheers.)  If  that  cloak  had  not  been  woven 
by  this  time,  I  would  think  little  of  the  clerical  or  lay 
weavers  of  Glasgow.  I  beg  i^ave  to  propose  to  you 
The  Scottish  Clergy,  present  and  absent,  those  here  and 
those  in  North  America." 


SPEECH  ON  HONEST  DRINKING. 

At  a  dinner-party  of  deep  drinkers  in  Cleveland, 
Ohio,  the  following  toast  was  proposed  :  "  To  all  honest 
drinkers."  A  gentleman  of  New  York,  who  was 
present,  remarked,  that  the  phrase  honest  drinker  was 
a  westernism,  which  he  supposed  meant  a  man  who 
filled  every  time  the  bottle  went  round,  and  who  drank 
to  the  bottom  of  his  glass  at  every  round.  This,  he 
declared,  as  a  test  of  honesty  and  good-fellowship,  wag 
not  quite  fair,  as  the  quantity  of  liquor  a  man  could 
drink  depended  somewhat  upon  the  size  of  his  stomach. 


SPEECH   ON   HONEST   DRINKING.  47 

A  man  cannot  well  drink  more  liquor  than  lie  can 
hold — unless  he  be  a  Dutchman,  who  is  supposed  to 
hold  an  uncomputable  amount ;  at  least  he  had  heard 
of  one  who  was  capable  of  containing  eight  hundred 
cubic  inches  more  of  lager-beer  than  the  measurement 
of  his  whole  body  I  He  was,  some  years  ago,  with  a 
party  of  New  York  politicians  at  a  State  Convention 
at  Syracuse,  where  they  drank  steadily  from  nine  in 
the  evening  until  four  the  next  morning.  The  beer 
was  served  in  those  high  glasses  which  are  about  ten 
inches  in  length,  and  he  estimated  that  the  party  of 
eight  persons  contained  about  four  thousand  six 
hundred  and  ninety-eight  feet  of  lager.  But  he  con- 
fessed that  he  began  to  entertain  conscientious  scruples 
against  keeping  such  imbibing  company  much  longer. 
He  doubted  if  this  'honest  drinking'  was  a  very 
honest  thing  after  all.  He  was  not  sure  if  any  one 
man  had  a  right  to  consume  so  much  of  life's  good 
stuff.  For  his  part,  he  was  more  inclined  to  the 
opinion  of  king  James  I.,  who,  when  a  fellow  was 
brought  to  him  as  a  curiosity  because  he  could  eat  a 
whole  sheep  at  a  meal,  asked,  "  What  else  can  he  do 
more  than  other  men  ?"  "  Nothing/'  was  the  reply. 
"  Hang  him,  then,"  said  the  king,  "  for  it  is  a  pity  a 
man  should  live  who  eats  the  share  of  twenty  men, 
and  can  do  no  more  than  one." 

This  little  speech,  altogether,  was  pleasant  and 
humorous,  and  the  anecdote  of  king  James  and  the 
sheep-eater  produced  so  decided  a  laugh  that  it  was 
impossible  for  the  gentleman  to  do  better  than  to  stop 
there.  Had  he  attempted  to  make  an  application  of 


48  THE  MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 

the  anecdote  to  the  company,  all  the  humor  would  have 
evaporated.  The  application  was  too  palpable  to 
need  explanation. 


SPEECH  OF  A  POET. 

At  a  dinner-party  of  literary  men  in  New  York,  a 
young  versifier,  who  was  perpetually  talking  about  the 
*  art  of  poetry,"  and  who  had  often  been  engaged  in  con- 
troversy with  a  gentleman  who  was  at  the  table,  in 
relation  to  the  comparative  merits  of  art  and  nature  in 
poetry,  offered  the  following  toast:  "  The  art  of  poetry 
— may  poets  never  forget  that  it  is  an  art.  The  gentle- 
man, who  was  known  to  be  an  advocate  for  nature,  was 
called  upon  to  respond.  He  said  that  he  felt  his  in- 
ability to  do  justice  to  the  toast.  He  realized  that 
true  poetry  was  something  beyond  art.  If  it  was 
only  an  art,  it  was,  comparatively,  an  easy  thing  to  be 
a  poet — a  little  book  of  a  hundred  pages  might  con- 
tain it  all,  and  the  ten  thousand  ambitious  versifiers, 
who  vainly  try  to  scale  the  Parnassian  heights,  might 
then  really  make  themselves  poets.  But  alas,  to  write 
good  verses  and  to  write  good  poetry  is  not  neces- 
sarily to  do  the  same  thing.  The  verses,  so  far  as  art 
is  concerned,  may  be  very  good,  and  the  poetry  very 
bad.  It  is  well  for  the  poet  to  use  art,  but  it  is  not 
well  to  let  art  use  him  :  if  he  does,  it  will  soon  enough 
use  him  up.  How  long  will  it  be  before  art  will  pro- 
duce such  songs  as  "  John  Anderson  my  Jo,  John." 


SPEECH  OF   A  POET.  49 

and  "Woodman,  spare  that  tree"? — when  the  evan- 
escent meteors  that  fall  through  the  damp  darkness  of 
night  become  fixed  stars  in  the  heavens !  To  be  a 
poet,  a  man  must  be  something  more  than  a  good 
philosopher,  good  historian,  good  grammarian,  or 
good  rhetorician — he  must  know  the  very  inmost  re- 
cesses of  nature,  represent  the  passions  in  all  their  in- 
tricate and  various  windings,  and  want  nothing  that 
humanity  is  capable  of  receiving.  In  him,  as  in  a 
mirror,  nature  shows  herself.  The  most  of  what  is 
called  art  in  poetry  is  a  distortion  of  nature.  "  Fie, 
my  friend !  Could  a  poet  paint  the  glories  of  the  rising 
sun  by  looking  at  it  through  a  smoked  glass  ?"  It  is 
given  to  no  man  to  view  nature  with  the  eye  of  a  poet, 
except  the  man  whom  nature  has  made  a  poet ;  and 
no  man  was  ever  a  poet  who  viewed  her,  as  Dryden 
expresses  it,  "  through  the  spectacles  of  books."  The 
vis  poetica,  or  "  fine  frenzy,"  as  Shakespeare  calls  it, 
was  never  born  of  books.  A  hundred  years  ago  a 
poet  came  out  from  behind  his  plow  on  the  mountain- 
side, above  the  banks  of  the  Boon,  in  Scotland,  and, 
defying  the  disadvantages  of  writing  in  a  rude  north- 
ern dialect,  sung  such  songs  as  the  world  has  been  glad 
enough  to  listen  to  ever  since.  What  could  art  do  for 
a  genius  like  that  ?  The  art  that  he  used  was  born  in 
him.  Nature  spoke  to  him  in  her  own  language,  and 
he  uttered  what  she  told  him,  as  best  he  could,  in  the 
unadorned  simplicity  of  nature  herself.  When  art 
makes  a  Robert  Burns,  it  will  be  time  enough  to  read 
this  toast.  No,  gentlemen,  let  us  give  up  this  foolish- 
ness of  persuading  all  the  drudging  students  of  lara- 
3 


50  THE   MODEL  SPEECH-MAKER. 

bics  and  Spondees  that  they  arc  poets.  The  ancients 
held  poetry  to  be  the  language  of  their  gods — let  us 
not  degrade  it  by  admitting  it  to  be  the  language  of 
mere  rhetoricians  and  verse-mongers.  Let  us  believe 
something  better  of  the  God-gift  than  to  say  t.e  has  it 
who  only  writes  some  verses,  and  runs  away  with, his 
neighbor's  wife.  To  be  a  poet  is  to  stand  in  the  inner 
temple  of  nature  and  see  how  the  world  is  male !  It 
is  to  hear  whispers  from  the  sky,  and  converse  alone, 
face  to  face,  with  the  angel  forms  of  truth. 

Tell  me  not  that  this  sallow-visaged  fellow,  who 
comes  this  way,  with  a  face  "  thatched  all  over  with  im- 
pudence " — this  mere  word-juggler  and  rhyme-gingler 
— is  a  poet.  He  has  disowned  nature,  and  nature  dis- 
owns him.  The  Greeks  called  their  poets  creators,  and 
in  England,  as  late  as  Ben  Jonson's  day,  the  bard  was 
called  "  the  maker"  And  this  was  not  understood  to 
mean  a  mere  maker  of  rhymes  and  mischief,  but  a  sub- 
lime creative  genius,  who  was  supposed  to  approach 
nearer  than  any  other  mortal  to  the  creative  power  of 
divinity.  The  office  of  the  poet  is  thus  set  forth  by 
Hesiod : 

"  Tis  ours  to  speak  the  Truth  in  language  plain, 
Or  give  the  face  of  Truth  to  what  we  feign." 

All  the  great  poets  of  antiquity  regarded  the  ability 
to  do  this  as  an  INSPIRATION,  rather  than  an  art. 
Cicero  called  it  "  Mentis  visibus,  excitara  divino 
spiritu  afflati"  And  this  intellectual  enthusiasm,  this 
spiritual  and  divine  afflatus  is  what  art  can  never 
teach.  But  there  is  a  sense  in  which  art  belongs  to 


SPEECH   OP   A  JUDGE.  51 

poetry,  and  in  which  the  poet  must  use  art  to  transmit, 
in  pleasing  forms,  the  sublime  and  beautiful  ideas 
that  are  flashing  through  his  brain.  But  the  way  that 
"  God-made  "  and  "  book-made  "  poets  employ  art  is  as 
different  as  NATURAL  from  artificial  flowers.  The  latter 
may  have  a  resemblance  to  the  former,  but  it  has  noth- 
ing of  its  aroma.  The  one  throws  roses  on  his  pre- 
cepts to  conceal  their  harshness,  while  the  other  scat- 
ters his  precepts  in  the  midst  of  roses.  The  one  gives 
us  delightful  images  which  teach  nothing,  and  are, 
therefore,  insipid,  just  as  beauty,  without  sense,  leaves 
disgust  behind  it ;  the  other  puts  truth  into  delightful 
images  to  charm  us.  His  images  are  not  made  to  in- 
struct, but  he  puts  instruction  into  them  to  please. 

Thus,  gentlemen,  you  may  as  easily  know  the  true 
poets  from  their  counterfeits,  as  you  can  distinguish 
roses,  growing  in  their  native  fields,  from  the  gaudy 
paper  flowers  which  are  hung  up  to  catch  flies  in  sum- 
mer. 


SPEECH  OF  A  JUDGE. 

At  a  public  dinner  in  New  Orleans,  the  following 
toast  was  proposed  :  "  The  judiciary — may  it  ever  re- 
main the  independent  palladium  of  justice,  and  the  sure 
support  of  the  liberties  of  the  people"  A  distinguished 
judge  was  called  up  to  respond.  He  said  that  too  great 
importance  could  not  be  attached  to  the  sentiment 
Droposed.  Whatever  tended  to  render  the  judiciary 


52  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 

dependent  upon  the  favor  of  individuals,  or  upon  the 
varying  caprices  of  partisan  politics,  was  a  step  towards 
its  depravity,  and  opened  the  way  for  assaults  upon  the 
spirit  of  enlightened  liberty.  There  is  much  in  the 
ancient  history  of  courts  of  justice  which  may  teach 
as  to  shun  some  of  the  quicksand  upon  which  the  judi- 
ciary barque  is  in  danger  of  foundering  at  the  present 
day.  When  Cleon  was  chosen  judge  in  Lacedemon, 
he  sent  for  all  those  with  whom  he  had  contracted 
particular  friendship,  and  told  them  he  must  renounce 
all  especial  intimacy,  as  it  was  impossible  that  such 
friendship  should  not  bias  the  mind  and  render  it  less 
stern  in  the  execution  of  justice.  When  Aristides  the 
Just  sat  as  judge  in  a  cause  where  the  plaintiff,  to  prej- 
udice Aristides  in  his  favor,  began  with  saying  that 
the  defendant  always  acted  in  opposition  to  Aristides, 
Aristides  interrupted  him,  saying,  "  My  friend,  you 
forget  yourself ;  state  your  case  ;  for  it  is  your  case  I 
am  to  try,  and  not  my  own."  When  this  just  judge, 
Aristides,  once  issued  out  a  process  against  an  adver- 
sary, the  judges  condemned  the  accused  without  hear- 
ing him  speak,  on  account  of  the  spotless  character  of 
the  plaintiff ;  but  Aristides  himself  remonstrated,  and 
threw  himself  at  their  feet,  entreating  them  not  to 
wrong  the  laws,  or  do  anything  by  way  of  compliment 
to  him,  which  might  be  used  as  an  example  to  pervert 
justice.  Brutus  put  his  two  sons  to  death  who  had 
broken  the  laws,  in  order  to  show  the  Romans  that 
the  sword  of  justice  should  know  no  partiality.  It  is 
for  this  reason  that  the  goddess  of  justice  is  painted 
as  blind,  with  a  sword  in  her  hand,  to  signify  that  she 


SPEECH   OF   A   LAWYER.  55 

knows  not  her  favorites,  but  inflexibly  strikes  for  the 
just  cause.  When  the  poet  Simonides  went  to  The- 
mistocles  while  he  was  sitting  as  judge  and  asked  him 
something  that  was  not  just,  Themistocles  replied, 
"  Thou  wouldst  be  an  ill  poet  if  thy  lines  ran  contrary 
to  the  rules  of  art,  and  I  should  be  an  ill  governor  if 
I  granted  what  was  contrary  to  the  laws."  To  dis- 
pense justice  without  fear  and  without  partiality  is  the 
highest  duty  a  mortal  can  be  called  upon  to  perform. 
And  the  less  you  make  that  high  and  responsible  office 
dependent  upon  the  fickle  and  selfish  accidents  of 
mere  partisan  will,  the  safer  will  be  the  liberties  of  the 
people. 


SPEECH  OF  A  LAWYER. 

When  "  The  legal  profession"  was  given  as  a  toast, 
a  lawyer  remarked  that  there  was  no  profession  which 
had  been  the  victim  of  so  many  jibes  and  taunts  as  the 
legal.  There  is  an  old  saying,  that 

"  No  rogue  e'er  felt  the  halter  draw, 
With  good  opinion  of  the  law." 

And  he  supposed  that  no  man  ever  felt  the  halter  draw, 
with  good  opinion  of  the  lawyers.  That  might  be  the 
reason  why  lawyers  had  been  so  much  abused.  But  it 
was  certain  that  no  other  profession  had  ever  contained 
anything  like  the  number  of  great  and  just  men  that 
the  legal  profession  can  boast  of.  To  go  bi,ck  to 


54  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 

ancient  days,  Moses  was  the  first  lawyer  of  the  Jews, 
Trismegistus  of  the  Egyptians,  Solon  of  the  Athenians, 
Lycurgus  of  the  Lacedemonians,  Anacharsis  of  the 
Scythians,  Nunia  Pompilius  of  the  Romans.  Indeed, 
nearly  all  the  great  names  in  the  history  of  all  nat  ions 
were  lawyers.  And  what  would  the  history  of  our 
own  country  be  worth  if  we  were  to  strike  from  its 
pages  the  names  of  all  who  were  members  of  the  legal 
profession  ?  Our  Adamses,  Jeffcrsons,  Websters,  Cal- 
houns,  Clays,  were  lawyers.  There  was  a  time  in  the 
early  history  of  our  country,  when  comparatively  few 
were  sent  to  our  legislatures  except  lawyers.  Compare 
the  character  of  our  legislation  then  with  what  it  is  at 
the  present  day.  New  laws  now  come  upon  us  thick  and 
fast,  and  quite  as  destructive  of  private  and  public  prop- 
erty as  the  vermin  that  once  descended  upon  the 
domains  of  King  Pharaoh  in  Egypt.  The  Locrians 
ordained  a  statute,  that  any  man  who  should  offer  to 
introduce  a  new  law  should  come  into  the  market- 
place with  a  rope  about  his  neck,  and  repeat  before 
the  people  what  new  law  he  proposed ;  and,  if  not  agreed 
to,  he  was  immediately  strangled  for  his  arrogance. 
Now  would  not  this  be  a  good  way  to  rid  our  country 
at  once  of  the  legion  list  of  new  and  pernicious  laws, 
and  of  the  illiterate  raggamuffin  mob  who  make  them  ? 
Think  of  the  time  it  takes  to  qualify  a  man  to  become 
a  competent  expounder  of  the  law,  an  1  then  judge  of 
the  learning  and  wisdom  which  the  law-makers  should 
possess !  The  fearful  extent  to  which  law  fails  in  this 
country  is  undoubtedly  owing  to  the  ignorance  and 
partisan  recklessness  of  our  legislative  bodies.  The 


SPEECH    OF    A   PUNSTER.  55 

remedy  which  I  propose,  gentlemen,  is,  that  our  legis- 
latures should  have  a  larger  infusion  of  lawyers,  and 
a  less  number  of  tinkers  and  political  charlatans. 
It  is  the  legal  profession  which  has  in  all  ages  shed 
the  greatest  lustre  upon  social  philosophy  and  legisla- 
tive science.  Lord  Bacon  was  a  lawyer.  So  was  Sir 
Edward  Coke,  whose  sturdy  opposition  to  a  despotic 
king  preserved  the  purity  of  the  laws  and  transmitted 
them  to  us  in  his  immortal  "  Petition  of  Rights  ;"  and  in 
his  digests  are  decisions  which  will  be  lights  to  latest 
posterity !  Sir  William  Jones  was  a  lawyer,  and  so 
was  Sir  Samuel  Eomilly.  Indeed,  in  past  ages,  as  well 
as  at  the  present  time,  the  greatest  and  purest  minds 
of  all  nations  have  belonged  to  the  legal  profession. 


SPEECH  OF  A  PUNSTER. 

At  a  table  of  merry  wags,  a  famous  punster  was 
called  upon  for  a  speech  on  the  morality  of  punning. 
He  began  by  saying  he  could  easily  enough  prove 
the  morality  of  punning,  because  all  morality  de- 
pended upoa  the  just  punishment  of  those  who  broke 
the  laws ;  but,  while  he  could  do  this,  he  could  not 
make  a  speech — he  never  attempted  to  make  a  speech 
in  all  bis  life,  and  he  felt  very  much  as  he  should  think 
a  iish  would  feel  out  of  water  ;  in  fact,  it  was  a  very 
scaly  business  in  those  who  had  forced  him  to  try  to 
make  z  speech."  And  then,  fixing  his  eye  upon  a  spot 
of  grease  on  the  chins  of  two  or  three  of  the  party, 


56  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 

he  added,  "  it  is  especially  too  bad  to  expect  a  poo? 
unlearned  man  like  me  to  make  a  speech  to  such  a 
body  of  learned  Grecians  as  this."  "  What !  we  Gre- 
cians ?"  exclaimed  several  of  the  party.  "  Yes,"  said 
he,  "  some  of  you,  at  least,  are  Grecians,  for  I  see  it  in 
your  faces ! "  "  Oh !  oh ! "  cried  the  party,  "  that  won't 
do — that  is  too  far-fetched."  "  No,"  said  the  punster, 
"  it  cannot  be  very  far-fetched,  for  I  made  it  on  the 
spot,  and  I  am  sure  that  it  was  not  fetched  farther  than 
from  the  kitchen,  as  I  could  prove  if  you  would 
allow  me  to  summon  the  cook.  But  then  I  will  not 
insist  upon  this,  for  cooks  are,  for  the  most  part,  a 
saucy  people,  and  this  one  might  take  it  into  her  head 
to  give  us  a  taste  of  hers ;  and  besides,  in  this  summer 
weather,  the  smell  of  cooks  is  not  always  the  most 
agreeable."  "  This  summer  weather ! "  exclaimed  the 
party,  "  how  do  you  make  that  out  in  the  middle  of 
December?"  "Why,"  said  the  wit,  "from  the  very 
great  number  of  swallows  I  have  seen  here  I  thought 
it  must  be  summer."  "  So-so,"  said  one  of  the  imbib- 
ers, "  you  mean  to  haul  us  over  the  coals  for  drinking 
so  much ! "  "  Oh,  no,"  replied  the  wag,  "  I  would  not 
do  that  for  the  world,  for  then  the  fat  would  be  all  in 
the  fire,  and,  as  this  is  only  Monday,  that  would  be 
cruelly  anticipating  the  awful  unlucky  fry-day  which 
you  have  such  good  reason  to  dread  ;  I  say  to  dread, 
gentlemen,  for  if  your  past  career  has  been  like  your 
present  conduct  (fixing  his  eyes  on  the  carcasses  of  a 
T/race  of  ducks),  you  must  have  practised  a  great  dcrJ 
of  foul  play  in  your  time. 


SPEECH   OF   A  WAG.  57 

SPEECH  OF  A  WAG-. 

At  a  dinner  of  some  of  the  merriest  of  the  students 
at  New  Haven,  when  the  hour  was  late,  and  most  of 
the  company  had  each  "  slain  his  man,"  or  drank  his 
full  bottle,  story-telling  was  the  order  of  the  night ; 
and,  as  is  usually  the  case  at  such  times,  the  party  was 
easily  pleased,  and  applauded  every  story  with  the 
most  uproarious  laughter.  But  there  was  one  serio- 
comico-faced  wag  who  did  not  seem  to  find  much  to 
laugh  at  in  the  stories  which  were  almost  splitting  the 
sides  of  all  the  rest.  His  noisy  companions  bantered 
him  with  being  "  stupid,"  and  with  having  "  no  appre- 
ciation of  wit  and  fun."  To  which  he  waggishly  re- 
plied, that,  if  they  would  explain  to  him  the  poniis  of 
their  jokes  he  would  laugh  too.  They  reminded  him 
of  an  anecdote  of  the  student  of  St.  John's  college,  in 
England,  who  heard  a  wit  say  to  Archbishop  Her- 
ring, as  he  happened  to  slip  and  fall  into  a  muddy 
ditch,  "  There,  bishop  Herring,  you  are  in  a  fine  pickle 
now."  The  student  went  on  to  his  school,  laughing 
immoderately  at  the  joke,  and  when  his  fellow-collegi- 
ans inquired  the  cause  of  his  merriment,  he,  still 
laughing  himself  out  of  breath,  said,  "  I  never  heard 
a  better  thing  in  my  life.  Bishop  Herring  fell  into 
the  ditch,  and  his  friend  said,  as  he  lay  there  sprawl- 
ing, *  Why,  Herring,  you  are  in  a  fine  condition  now.' " 
"  Why,"  said  his  companions,  "  where  is  the  wit  of 
that,  pray  ?"  "  Well,"  said  the  laugher,  "  I  am  sure  it 
was  a  good  thing  when  I  heard  it."  "  So,  gentlemen/' 
said  the  wag,  "  it  is  possible  your  stories  were  very 
3* 


58  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 

good  when  you  heard  them,  but  that  was  probably  so 
long  ago,  that  I  expect  the  fun  has  pretty  much  all 
evaporated  now.  Fun  don't  keep  well  in  some  people 
— like  wine,  it  easily  spoils  in  bottles*  that  are  loosely 
corked." 


SPEECH  OF  A  WINE-BIBBER. 

A  famous  wine-bibber,  who  was  called  upon  to  favor 
the  company  with  a  speech  on  "  the  drink  of  the  gods/7 
declared  that  no  mortal  lips  could  ever  describe  the 
joys  of  good  wine.  For  his  part,  he  was  not  rash 
enough  to  attempt  it,  but  with  the  permission  of  the 
company  he  would  recite  Cowley's  exquisite  tips<r 
logic  in  praise  of  drinking  : 

"  The  thirsty  earth  soaks  up  the  rain, 
And  drinks,  and  gapes  for  drink  again. 
The  plants  suck  in  the  earth,  and  are 
With  constant  drinking  fresh  and  fair. 
The  sea  itself,  which,  one  would  think, 
Should  have  but  little  need  of  drink, 
Drinks  ten  thousand  rivers  up, 
So  filled  that  they  o'erflow  the  cup. 
The  busy  sun,  (and  one  would  guess 
By 's  drunken  fiery  face  no  less,) 
Drinks  up  the  sea,  and  when  he  's  done, 
The  moon  and  stars  drink  up  the  sun. 
They  drink  and  dance  by  their  own  light 
They  drink  and  revel  all  the  night. 
Nothing  in  nature  's  sober  found, 
But  an  eternal  health  goes  round. 


A  SONG  INSTEAD  OP  A  SPEECH.        59 

Fill  up  the  bowl,  then,  fill  it  high, 
Fill  all  the  glasses  there, — for  why 
Should  every  creature  drink  but  I  ? 
Why,  men  of  morals,  tell  me  why  I  " 


A  SONQ  INSTEAD  OF  A  SPEECH. 

Nothing  enlivens  a  dinner-party  more  than  an  occa- 
sional song,  especially  when  the  company  is  so  well 
warmed  with  wine  as  to  become  a  little  impatient  at 
the  restraints  necessarily  imposed  in  listening  to 
speeches.  Under  such  circumstances  we  once  heard 
the  following  song  sung  by  a  western  Member  of 
Congress,  at  Willard's,  in  Washington : 

"  Do  not  ask  me,  charming  Phillis, 

Why  I  lead  you  here  alone, 
By  this  bank  of  pinks  and  lilies, 

And  of  roses  newly  blown : 
'Tis  not  to  behold  the  beauty 

Of  those  flow'rs  that  crown  the  spriug — 
'Tis  to — but  I  know  my  duty, 

And  dare  never  name  the  thing. 
'Tis,  at  worst,  but  her  denying, 

Why  should  you  thus  fearful  be  ? 
Ev'ry  minute  gently  flying, 

Smiles  and  says,  make  use  of  me. 
What  the  sun  does  to  those  roses, 

While  the  beams  play  sweetly  in ; 
I  would ! — but  my  fear  opposes, 

And  I  dare  not  name  the  thing. 


60  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 

Tet  I  die  if  I  conceal  it, — 

Ask  my  eyes,  or  ask  your  own ; 
And  if  neither  can  reveal  it, 

Think  what  lovers  do  alone. 
On  this  bank  of  pinks  and  lilies, 

Might  I  speak  what  I  would  do,-  - 
I  would ! — with  my  lovely  Phillip 

I  would  ! — I  would ! — Ah !  would  you  ?' 


SPEECH  OF  A  SAILOR 

A  facetious  sea-captain,  an  old  tar  withal,  who  was 
asked  to  respond  to  a  toast  which  was  complimentary 
to  a  sea-faring  life,  began  by  saying  that  he  "  had  not 
much  to  say  in  favor  of  the  sailor.  He  is  a  quarrel- 
some fellow  at  best,  who  only  studies  to  dispute  with 
the  tempests,  and  is  of  such  a  rank  and  brackish  dis- 
position that  he  is  always  in  a  pickle  with  his  best 
friends.  He  is  a  mere  time-server,  too,  always  on  the 
watch  for  afair  wind,  and  his  ambition  is  more  rest- 
less than  that  of  a  scurvy  politician,  for  he  is  always 
climbing  and  striving  to  get  above  his  equals.  He  is  a 
self-contradictory  creature,  too  ;  for,  although  every- 
body knows  him  to  be  brave,  yet  he  is  ever  flying  be- 
fore his  foe,  and  dreads  nothing  so  much  as  to  have 
his  adversary  head  him  off,  and  meet  him  in  the  face. 
And  though  his  heart  is  as  warm  as  noon  in  the 
tropics,  yet  the  intelligence  that  guides  his  actions  is 
so  cold  that  it  points  only  to  the  north.  Though  he 
is  proud  of  his  country,  he  is  always  abandoning  it 


SPEECH    OF   A   TAILOR.  (1 

for  other  lands  ;  and,  although  he  is  vain  of  his  hono,*. 
he  rides  only  a  wooden  horse  into  every  port.  But  1  e 
is  a  hearty  friend,  a  zealous  lover,  and  will  never  for- 
sake one  in  distress  so  long  as  he  can  keep  his  deck 
above  water.'7 


SPEECH  OF  A  TAILOR. 

In  order  to  call  out  a  witty  tailor,  this  toast  was 
offered  :  "  The  ninth  part  of  a  man."  He  said  that 
"  to  call  a  tailor  the  ninth  part  of  a  man  was  to  make 
all  other  men  a  still  smaller  fraction,  for  the  taiior  is 
powerful  enough  to  make  even  the  proudest  of  men 
serve  his  interest ;  and  he  is  cunning  enough  to  thrive 
even  upon  other  men's  vanities.  His  charity,  like  the 
mercy  of  heaven,  covers  a  multitude  of  sins,  and  his 
profession  leads  him,  as  far  as  possible,  to  hide  the 
faults  of  mankind.  Those  whom  nature  has  slighted 
he  makes  perfect.  He  has  such  an  eye  to  beauty,  that 
even  in  his  bills  he  imitates  the  birds  of  Paradise,  and 
is  so  virtuous,  withal,  that  he  turns  even  the  extrav- 
agance of  other  men  to  good  account.  What  indecent 
spectacles  all  men  would  be  but  for  the  tailors !  What 
more  can  be  said  in  praise  of  tailors,  than  the  fact 
that  they  flourish  most  in  those  communities  which  are 
celebrated  for  their  civilization  and  respectability. 
His  profession,  too,  is  the  oldest  on  earth  ;  as  it  dates 
as  far  back  as  the  garden  of  Eden,  where,  after  the 
devil  had  ruined  our  first  parents,  by  exposing  their 


62  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 

nakedness,  a  tailor  did  all  lie  could  to  repair  the  mis- 
chief, and  make  them  as  decent  as  possible,  by  ingen 
iously  constructing  garments  out  of  fig-leaves.  Finally, 
gentlemen,  so  good  a  man  is  the  tailor,  that  if  his  yard- 
stick sometimes  interferes  with  the  rights  of  others,  he 
does  not  selfishly  confine  the  benefits  to  himself,  but 
does  all  in  his  power  to  satisfy  the  reasonable  wants 
of  those  who  appeal  to  him  for  charity.  He  endeavors 
to  sheer  out  of  the  way  of  sin,  to  cut  bad  company,  and 
devote  his  life  to  the  study  of  men  and  measures. 


SPEECH  OF  A  FIREMAK 

A  fireman,  who  spoke  in  response  to  a  toast  to  the 
fire  department,  said,  that  there  is  no  profession  in 
which  everybody  ought  to  feel  a  deeper  interest  than 
the  fireman's.  He  is  the  city's  sentinel,  that  keeps 
watch  over  life  and  property  while  others  sleep  ;  and 
if  he  should  "  kick  the  bucket,"  nobody  could  sleep  in 
safety.  The  firemen  are  a  volunteer  army,  who  shed 
no  blood  and  share  no  spoils,  and  yet  they  conquer 
the  most  terrible  and  unquenchable  foe  that  ever  a 
soldiery  met  in  battle  array.  The  "  machine"  is  the 
most  glorious  piece  of  workmanship  ever  invented, 
for  it  preserves  what  all  other  machines  produce.  It 
"  throws  cold  water  "  on  incendiary  strife,  and  quenches 
the  flames  that  are  kindled  by  malice  and  revenge. 
But  for  the  fireman's  hose  even  the  fair  ladies  would 
not  long  have  hose  to  wear,  and  that  I  expect  is  the 


SPEECH   AT  A  WEDDING.  63 

reason  why  every  fireman  is  so  quick  to  obey  the  call 
of  the  belles.  But,  as  I  am  no  speech-maker,  gentle- 
men, allow  me  to  close  by  repeating  this  well-known 
fireman's  toast :  "  May  his  coat  be  water-proof,  his 
flesh  be  fire-proof,  his  bones  be  fracture-proof,  and  his 
spirits  befoiirth-proof." 


SPEECH  AT  THE  WEDDING  OF  A  MR.  GRAYE. 

In  the  year  of  our  Lord  1858,  a  Mr.  William  Grave, 
of  Mobile,  married  his  cousin,  a  Miss  Melinda  Grave, 
of  some  town  in  the  interior  of  Alabama.  After  his 
marriage,  and  on  his  return  to  Mobile,  he  gave  a 
splendid  feast  to  several  of  his  bachelor  friends,  at 
which  a  gentleman,  celebrated  for  his  wit,  was  called 
up  for  a  speech.  With  a  solemn  face  he  commenced 
rebuking  the  party  for  manifesting  such  irreverent 
mirth  on  so  grave  an  occasion  as  the  one  which  had 
called  them  together.  The  extraordinary  marriage  of 
our  friend  teaches  us  the  great  lesson,  that  history  is 
always  reproducing  itself, — for,  more  than  a  century 
ago,  a  Capt.  William  Grave,  of  the  British  army,  mar- 
ried a  Miss  Grave,  and  a  wag  of  that  day  honored  the 
occasion  with  the  following  epigram  : 

"  The  graves,  'tis  said,  will  yield  their  dead, 

When  the  last  trumpet  shakes  the  skies  ; 
But,  if  God  please,  from  Graves  like  these, 
A  dozen  living  folkes  may  rise." 

New,  my  friends,  while  you  seem  inclined  to  be  mcr- 


64  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 

ry,  I  assure  you  that  I  feel  like  speaking  reverently 
and  hopefully  of  the  blessed  memory  of  our  departed 
bachelor,  who  has  found  an  early  and  an  honored  grave; 
and,  what  seems  a  contradiction,  like  the  patriarch  of 
old,  was  '  translated  without  seeing  death.'  We  trust 
that  our  worthy  friend  fully  obeyed  the  sublime  in- 
junction contained  in  the  closing  lines  of  Bryant's 
"Thanatopsis:" 

"  Go,  not  like  the  quarry-slave  at  night, 
Scourged  to  his  dungeon ;  but,  sustained  and  soothed 
By  an  unfaltering  trust,  approach  thy  grave, 
Like  one  who  wraps  the  drapery  of  his  couch 
About  him,  and  lies  down  to  pleasant  dreams." 

Gentlemen,  allow  me  to  propose  a  sentiment :  "  To 
the  memory  of  our  departed  bachelor:  peace  be  to  him 
in  the  bosom  of  the  grave." 

This  toast  was  drank  with  all  the  honors  ;  after 
which  the  devout  company  sang  these  two  lines : 

"  Thou  hast  gone  to  thy  Grave, 
But  we  will  not  deplore  thee." 

then,  we  are  glad  to  say,  they  went  home. 


SPEECH  ON  PRIZE-FIGHTING. 

The  sentiment  of  "The  manly  art  of  self-defence'1 
was  given  at  an  entertainment,  where,  as  there  was  no 
professor  of  that  art  present,  a  gentleman  was  called 
upon  who  was  celebrated  for  his  learning  on  almost 


SPEECH   ON    PRIZE-FIGHTING.  65 

all  subjects,  and  for  a  remarkable  faculty  of  .blending 
instruction  and  amusement  in  his  speeches.  Ho  re- 
marked, that  "  it  is  very  difficult  to  see  any  propriety 
in  calling  that  art  '  manly '  which  is  practised  mainly 
by  thieves  and  the  most  brutal  type  of  midnight 
bruisers.  If  it  is  manly  to  bo  able  to  strike  the  hardest 
blow,  then  the  jackass  might  bear  the  palm  out  of  the 
prize-ring,  for  his  hoof  has  a  blow  which  may  easily 
put  to  shame  tlie^stf  of  any  king  of  the  fancies.  And 
yet,  there  is,  at  least,  a  kind  of  retrospective  truth' 
in  the  sentiment  of  the  toast.  In  the  early  ages  of 
the  world,  muscular  prowess  was  the  only  defence  upon 
which  mankind  relied  in  public  or  private  war.  At 
that  time  the  gymnasia,  and  all  the  variety  of  box 
ing  and  wrestling  institutions,  were  a  greater  neces- 
sity than  our  military  schools  are  to  us.  They  were 
established,  not  for  places  of  brutal  and  vulgar  amuse- 
went,  but  for  the  public  benefit,  and  all  the  boxing 
sports  were  designed  to  qualify  the  youth  for  warlike 
exploits,  and  to  make  them  successful  defenders  of  the 
State.  It  was  on  this  account  that  the  greatest  honors 
were  bestowed  upon  the  victorious  combatants. 

"  The  gladiatorial  sports  arose  out  of  the  barbarous 
custom  practised  in  all  ages  of  antiquity,  of  sacrificing 
captives  or  slaves  at  the  funerals  and  tombs  of  their 
great  heroes.  The  Romans,  as  they  advanced  a  little 
in  refinement,  abolished  this  type  of  butchery,  and 
commanded  those  thus  doomed,  to  kill  each  other  in 
gladiatorial  conflict.  Their  first  gladiators  were  either 
slaves  by  birth,  captives  of  Avar,  or  malefactors,  con- 
demned by  the  laws  to  death.  Thus  the  slaves  and 


GC»  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 

captives  of  war  fought  for  liberty,  and  the  malefactors 
for  life.  The  eclat  which  followed  the  victors  in  these 
conflicts  so  intoxicated  those  in  "better  life,  that  gradu- 
ally persons  of  distinction  were  induced  to  enter  for 
gladiatorial  prizes.  The  tyrant  Nero  once  compelled 
a  thousand  JcnigJtte  and  senators  in  one  day  to  grace  his 
shows,  and  to  cut,  slash,  and  slay  one  another  for  his 
amusement.  Modern  civilization,  or  rather  «wciviliza- 
tion,  is  indebted  entirely  to  the  English  for  raising 
from  the  dead  an  amusement  which  was  born  of  bar- 
barism, and  died  with  barbarism.  It  lay  buried  for 
centuries,  until  the  refined  English  nation  happily 
accomplished  its  resurrection  into  the  prize-ring.  It 
is  the  refined  English  nation  that  now  dictates  the 
laws  of  this  genteel  and  pleasant  amusement,  which, 
indeed,  is  practised  nowhere  out  of  Great  Britain,  ex- 
cept in  the  United  States  ;  and  in  this  country  it  is 
confined  to  a  few  foreign  thieves  in  our  largest  cities, 
and  to  the  Congress  of  the  United  States.  A  gentle- 
man from  Virginia,  and  one  from  Wisconsin,  lately 
attempted  to  revise  the  code  of  the  congressional 
prize-ring,  but  without  much  success  ;  and  England — 
proud  England — still  remains  the  happy  lawgiver  to 
tne  gladiators." 


SPEECH  OF  AN  ACTOR. 


A  celebrated  American  actor,  who  was  invited  to 
speak  in  response  to  a  toast  to  his  profession,  declared 


SPEECH   OP   AN   ACTOR.  67 

that  it  was  impossible  for  him  ever  to  think  of  his 
profession  without  experiencing  mingled  feelings  of 
pride  and  pain  ;  of  pride  at  the  glorious  origin  and 
early  triumphs  of  the  stage,  and  of  pain  at  much  of  its 
later  history.  There  is  no  profession  that  ought  to 
command  more  respect  and  admiration  than  that  of  an 
actor ;  for  there  is  none  that  requires  a  greater  as- 
semblage of  all  the  powers  of  genius.  To  be  a  great 
actor,  a  man  must  possess  the  taste  and  feeling  of  the 
poet,  the  judgment  of  the  philosopher,  and  the  skill  of 
the  painter  ;  for  there  is  an  art  of  coloring  peculiar 
to  poetry  and  acting,  which,  though  in  some  respects 
it  may  be  different  from  that  of  painting,  is  yet  to  be 
conducted  by  the  same  kind  of  rules.  We  require  of 
each  the  same  strength  of  tints  and  the  same  distinc- 
tions in  the  distribution  of  the  brightness  and  shadows  ; 
the  same  caution  in  the  softening  of  lights,  and  the 
same  art  in  throwing  objects  to  a  distance,  or  in  bring 
ing  them  immediately  under  the  eye.  The  actor, 
especially,  like  the  painter,  must  be  a  master  of  this 
ingenious,  theory  of  shadows,  the  skilful  application 
of  which  is,  by  an  insensible  gradation,  to  conduct  the 
eye  from  the  first  and  most  striking  part  of  the  picture 
to  whatever  lies  obscured  in  shades  behind.  Like  the 
painter  and  the  poet,  the  player  must  have  address 
and  precision  to  give  the  true  strength  to  every  pas: 
gage  in  his  part,  and  to  convey  the  sentiments  delivered 
to  his  care  in  their  proper  force  and  beauty  ;  nor  are 
these  qualifications  less  necessary  to  him  in  dictating 
the  proper  gestures  which  are  to  accompany  the  ex- 
pression, and  in  forming  not  only  his  countenance,  but 


68  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 

Ids  whole  person,  according  to  the  nature  of  ci.<,  ago, 
station,  and  character  of  the  person  he  represents. 
What  is  an  actor  but  a  painter  of  character  ? — the 
tones  of  his  voice,  the  expressions  of  his  face,  ld:; 
gestures,  and  the  attitudes  of  his  body,  being  the  lights 
and  shades  with  which  he  accomplishes  the  difficult 
task  of  finishing  his  picture?  What  feeling,  what 
taste,  what  imagination,  what  judgment,  are  necessary 
for  so  great  an  undertaking  ?  Shakespeare  was  an  ac- 
tor, and  in  classic  antiquity,  men  of  the  first  rank  in 
life,  the  masters  of  all  the  polite  arts  of  learning, 
were  often  actors.  Nor  did  some  of  their  principal 
poets,  though  they  were  the  first  men  of  the  age,  think 
it  beneath  them,  to  go  upon  the  stage  and  take  parts 
in  their  own  plays.  It  was  something  to  be  an  actor 
when  Tully  patronized  the  stage,  and  plead  the  cause  of 
Roscius,  and  when  ^Esopius  was  sought  after  by  the  so- 
ciety of  the  wise  and  great. 

It  is  not  a  place  here  to  trace  out  the  causes  which 
have  led  to  a  decline  of  the  stage  ;  enough  to  say,  that 
those  causes  lie  outside  and  back  of  the  stage,  in 
the  character  of  society  itself.  The  stage  is  always 
what  the  popular  taste  makes  it.  Although  it  may 
exert  a  power  upon  the  popular  taste,  yet  popular  taste 
is  omnipotent,  and  exerts  a  greater  power  upon  it. 
Financial  success  is  the  touchstone  by  which  everything 
in  life  is  tried.  If  the  theatrical  manager  puts  his 
pieces  upon  the  stage  in  a  style  above  the  general 
popular  taste  and  morality,  he  makes  as  great  a  mis- 
take, financially,  as  if  he  fell  below  the  popular  stand- 
ard. His  object  is  to  hit  the  middle  ground,  and  to 


SPEECH   OF  AN  ACTOU.  GO 

make  his  theatre  just  as  moral  as  the  average  taste  of 
society  requires.  To  succeed,  the  door  of  the  theatre 
must  be  built  upon  a  level  with  the  door  of  the  church. 
The  same  people  support  the  one  that  support  the 
other.  There  may  be  fractions  of  society  who  fancy 
they  go  above,  and  other  fractions  who  fall  below  the 
great  medium  standard  of  taste  and  morality ;  but  it 
is  to  the  masses  that  all  institutions  have  to  look  for 
support— the  church,  not  less  than  the  theatre.  And, 
it  is  undoubtedly  more  from  a  spirit  of  rivalry  than 
anything  else  that  the  two  are  arrayed  in  such  violent 
opposition  to  each  other.  It  is  a  misfortune  to  society 
that  this  is  so,  for  the  theatre  might  be,  and  ought  to 
be,  an  omnipotent  support  to  the  cause  of  virtue,  by 
ridiculing  and  scourging  the  vices  of  the  world.  As  a 
teacher  and  director  of  the  popular  taste,  the  theatre 
possesses  every  advantage  over  the  pulpit,  not  only 
because  it  speaks  six  times  as  often,  but  every  depart- 
ment of  logic  and  eloquence  is  open  to  its  use,  while 
the  pulpit  is  limited  to  the  single  range  of  formal  and 
dignified  utterance.  A  clergyman  once  asked  Gar- 
rick  how  it  was  that  actors  controlled  the  sympathies 
of  their  audience  so  much  better  than  clergymen.  "  Be- 
cause," replied  the  actor,  "  we  utter  fiction  as  though 
it  were  truth,  while  you  utter  truth  as  though  it  were 
fiction." 


70  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 


SPEECH  OF  A  RED-HEADED  MAK 

At  a  drinking-party  of  merry  friends,  where  one  of 
the  number  was  a  man  of  wit  and  learning,  and  red 
headed  withal,  the  following  toast  was  given  :  "  To  the 
man  with  the  most  brilliant  head."  And  the  party  to 
whom  the  sentiment  was  directed  instantly  rose  and 
said,  "  I  have  to  thank  you,  gentlemen,  for  the  very 
great  compliment  of  being  designated  the  brilliant  man 
of  such  a  company  of  wits  and  scholars  as  I  see  before 
me.  And  I  suppose  I  am  indebted  for  this  distin- 
guished favor,  in  part,  to  the  brilliant  color  of  my 
hair,  which  has,  in  all  ages,  been  held  such  a  sign  of 
certain  mental  and  physical  activities,  that  it  has 
always  been  coveted  and  env'ed  by  those  who  have 
been  less  favored  by  Providence.  In  classic  antiquity 
red  hair  was  deemed  an  indispensable  accompaniment 
to  the  highest  gifts  of  genius  and  beauty.  It  was  held 
by  the  classic  poets  to  be  the  chief  ornament  of  the 
fair  sex.  It  was  supposed  to  give  a  lustre  to  all  other 
accomplishments  in  nature,  and  was  so  admired  and 
coveted  that  every  one  strove  to  imitate  it  by  art, 
where  nature  had  not  bestowed  it  on  them.  All  the  first 
eminent  painters,  as  Appelles,  Euchion,  Melanthus,  and 
Nichomachus,  prized  this  color  for  the  hair,  in  their 
portraits  of  fair  and  beautiful  women,  above  all 
others.  The  red  hair  of  the  stately  Sabina  Poppea, 
who  was  held  the  most  accomplished  and  beautiful 
woman  in  the  world,  in  her  day.  was.  considered  the 
chief  ornament  of  her  beauty.  The  great  queen  of 
beauty,  Cleopatra,  had  her  charms  illuminated  by  thi8 


SPEECH   OP  A   RED-HEADED   MAN.  11 

high  tint  of  nature's  preferences,  as  Lucian  testifies  in 
his  Pharsalia : 

lt  Laden  with  pearls,  the  rich  sea-spoiled  store, 
On  her  red  hair,  and  weary  neck  she  wore. 
Her  snowy  breasts  their  whiteness  did  display, 
Through  the  thin  Sidonian  tiffany." 

Red  hair  was  in  such  repute  in  Turtullian's  time,  and 
in  the  days  of  St.  Hierom,  that  even  artificial  red  was 
resorted  to,  just  as  people  of  bad  taste  fly  to  black  dyes 
now.  Publius  Lentulus,  in  his  famous  epistle  to  the 
Roman  Senate,  written  from  Jerusalem,  among  other 
bodily  perfections  which  he  assured  them  were  pos- 
sessed by  our  Saviour,  described  his  hair  and  beard  as 
being  red;  and  I  recollect  that  one  of  the  most  learned 
of  the  Spanish  theologians  argued,  from  this  color  of 
the  Saviour's  hair,  that  he  was  undoubtedly  alluded  to 
in  the  following  passage  in  the  book  of  Isaiah  :  "  Who 
is  he  that  cometh  from  the  Red  Land  P" 

And,  gentlemen,  are  we  to  suppose  that  the  Creator's 
hand  has  not  labelled  his  works  correctly  ?  Does  he 
not  brilliantly  label  the  most  brilliant  pieces  of  his 
handywork  ?  Do  not  the  excellencies  of  the  creation 
resemble  the  red  head  in  the  brilliancy  of  their  tints  ? 
Is  not  fire,  the  most  aspiring  and  agile  of  all  bodies, 
red?  Is  not  the  sun,  the  sovereign  physical  majesty  of 
the  material  heavens,  clothed  in  the  same  transcendent 
brightness  ?  And,  when  it  puts  on  its  most  triumphant 
glory  to  greet  the  rising  moon,  and  again  to  bid  good- 
night to  the  departing  day,  does  it  not  array  itself  in 
robes  of  gorgeous  red  P  What  is  the  color  of  the  Juno 


72  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 

roses?  of  the  most  odorous  pinks?  of  the  charming 
flowers  that  load  the  air  with  perfume  in  summer  ? 
Red!  What  are  the  distinguishing  tints  of  the  rain- 
bow, hung  in  the  heavens  as  a  sign  of  safety  to  man  ? 
Red,  gentlemen !  * 

On  the  other  hand,  let  me  ask  you,  gentlemen,  of 
what  is  Hack  hair  the  emblem? — of  the  grave!  of 
death !  of  mourning  1  It  is  the  garment  of  cats  !  of 
crows !  and  is  the  color  of  mud  !  Among  what  nations 
do  red  heads  most  prevail?  Among  the  intelligent 
Germans,  the  artistic  French  and  Italians,  the  refined 
English  and  Americans !  Where  are  black  heads  uni- 
versal? Among  the  cannibal  Negroes  of  Africa  and 
the  Tartars  of  Asia !  Whoever  saw  a  red-headed  negro  ? 
except  where  the  fellow's  thievish  mother  found  an 
opportunity  to  steal  the  color  from  the  head  of  some 
white  man!  Nobody,  gentlemen.  Red  is  the  color 
for  heads,  for  roses,  as  well  as  for  the  cheeks  of  maidens. 

This  speech,  of  course,  could  not  fail  to  set  the 
table  roaring,  especially  as  the  wit  had  been  rallied 
upon  the  color  of  his  hair. 


SPEECH  OF  AN  OLD  LOVER. 

A  man,  sixty  years  old,  who  was  about  to  marry  a 
voung  lady  of  twenty-six,  was  called  out  to  respond 
*.o  the  following  toast :  "  The  delights  of  love — may  we 
Lever  le  too  old  to  enjoy  them."  He  said,  "  Age  has  lestf 
vO  dc  with  the  capacity  of  loving  than  we  imagine 


SPEECH   OF   AN   OLD    LOVER.  73 

At  any  rate,  youth  is  not  the  period  for  the  enjoyment 
of  the  highest  and  most  substantial  delights  of  love. 
The  love  of  youth  is  like  green  fruit,  whieh  has  not 
yet  obtained  its .  best  flavor,  and  easily  spoils  after  it 
is  plucked.  It  is  with  the  faculty  of  loving,  as  with  all 
our  other  faculties,  best  when  ripe.  In  youth  the 
heart  is  too  full  of  curiosities,  vanities,  adventures, 
and  a  thousand  little  weaknesses,  to  be  singly  devoted 
to  any  one  passion.  Love  has  to  take  its  chance 
with  the  rest ;  and  it  is  generally  a  great  vagabond 
then,  which  spends  its  time  roving  about,  like  the  dis- 
contented fairy,  who  no  sooner  found  one  flower  than 
it  left  it  to  run  after  another,  and  so  never  stopped 
long  enough  to  enjoy  any.  And  then  some  are  con- 
stitutionally devoid  of  the  faculty  of  loving.  They 
have  not  the  tenderness  and  delicate  susceptibility  in 
which  love  delights  to  dwell.  Their  natures  are  too 
hard,  and  too  selfish.  They  can  love  as  the  lower 
animals  love,  but  not  otherwise.  The  passion  is  a  mere 
properly  of  their  bodies,  without  the  sanctifying  blend- 
ing of  the  soul.  It  is  an  appetite  whieh  leaves  noth- 
ing to  be  enjoyed  the  moment  it  is  gratified.  It  is 
but  one-half  of  love,  and  that  the  lowest  half.  It  is  a 
great  cheat,  for  it  cheats  itself  and  its  victim.  One 
minute  it  thinks  itself  immortal,  and  promises  to  last 
forever  ;  but  in  an  hour  it  has  vanished  like  a  shadow, 
and  left  nothing  but  a  little  satiety  behind  it.  But 
all  this  is  less  than  one-half  of  that  delightful  passion 
which  God  has  ordained  to  be  the  bond  of  union  be- 
tween two  kindred  hearts.  The  highest  thing  to  be 
said  in  praise  of  this  passion  of  love  is,  that  it  has 
4 


74  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 

never,  and  can  never,  be  described.  Language  is  too 
gross  and  heavy  to  define  so  ethereal  a  flame.  It  is 
like  light,  a  thing  which  everybody  knows,  but  which 
nobody  can  explain.  An  old  artist  tried  to  paint  a 
sigh,  but  nobody  ever  attempted  to  draw  the  passion 
of  love.  We  may  say  it  is  an  expanded  softness  of  the 
heart,  drawn  out  and  kept  alive  by  a  consciousness  of 
sympathies  congenial  with  our  own  !  We  may  say  it 
is  like  bliss  set  to  music — where  two  hearts,  like  two 
exquisite  lyres,  strung  to  the  accompaniment  of  one 
delightful  sound,  vibrate  in  delicious  harmony.  But 
all  in  vain !  The  greatest  orator,  the  most  enraptured 
poet,  is  incapable  of  describing  love,  as  even  the 
humblest  swain  may  be  capable  of  feeling  and  enjoy- 
ing it.  And  this  love,  gentlemen,  has  no  such  tedious 
calendar  of  time  as  you  call  years.  It  is  in  the  soul, 
and  the  soul  is  immortal.  Instead  of  dying  out  with 
age,  it  becomes  settled  and  fixed  in  the  heart,  like  the 
steady  light  of  a  fixed  star.  Love  in  an  old  man  is 
not  like  hot  fire  in  the  veins,  burning  up  the  blood,  but 
like  wine,  coursing  up  and  down  through  all  the  chan- 
nels of  being,  like  rivers  of  delight.  In  Knowles7 
play  of  "  The  Wife,"  there  is  this  passage,  descriptive 
of  the  supreme  reign  of  love  in  the  faithful  heart : 

Ferrardo.  Lives  lie  of  whom  you  speak,  in  Mantua  ? 

Mariana.    In  Mantua,  he  told  me  he  did  live. 

Fer.   What !  know  you  not  the  place  of  his  sojourn  ? 

Mar.  Yes,  where  he  still  sojourns,  where'er  he  is ! 

Fer.  What  place  is  that  ? 

Mar.  My  heart  1     Though  travels  he 

By  land  or  sea — though  I'm  in  Mantua, 


SPEECH   OF   A  POOR  MAN.  75 

And  lie  as  distant  as  the  pole  away— 

I  look  but  into  that,  and  there  he  is, 

Its  king  enthron'd,  with  every  thought,  wish,  will, 

In  waiting  at  his  feet ! 

Gentlemen,  the  snows  of  sixty  winters  have  fallen 
on  my  head,  but  no  frost  lias  ever  yet  touched  mv 
heart. 


SPEECH   OF   A  POOR  MAN. 

In  response  to  the  toast,  "  THE  HOXEST  MAN,  THOUGH 
POOR,"  a  scholar  and  a  man  of  genius  said  :  "  It  would 
be  a  needless  piece  of  folly  in  any  man  who  should  at- 
tempt, especially  in  these  days  of  the  triumphant  reign 
of  wealth,  to  eulogize  the  condition  of  poverty.  And 
yet,  in  the  days  of  great  men,  it  was  not  always  so. 
Aristophanes  said,  '  Poverty  is  the  mistress  of  man- 
ners ;  and,  severe  and  harsh  as  she  seems,  the  school 
of  virtue,  in  her  state,  is  chiefly  kept.'  And  Euripides 
declared  that '  Riches  bring  on  vices,  but  poverty  is 
oftener  attended  by  wisdom  ;  and  the  most  truly  brave 
and  worthy  men  were  content  with  having  only  the 
necessities  of  their  life  supplied.'  Aristides  the  Just 
was  once  the  poorest  man  in  Athens  ;  aiul  when  his 
virtues  and  genius  raised  him  to  the  highest  honors, 
he  refused  the  friendship  of  Calhas,  the  richest  citizen 
in  Athens,  because  he  laid  claims  to  consideration  on 
account  of  his  wealth.  The  poverty  of  Diogenes  was 
the  cause  of  his  beginning  his  study  of  philosophy,  by 


76  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 

which  the  world  has  been  rendered  so  much  his  debtor. 
Pythagoras  was  so  poor  that  he  could  not  afford  to 
eat  bread,  but  lived  on  fruit.  The  great  Pliiloxenus 
was  as  poor  as  a  beggar  ;  and  when,  in  consequence 
of  his  virtues,  the  Athenians  sent  him  to  a  town  in 
Sicily,  where  a  splendid  mansion,  full  of  luxury  and 
gold,  was  provided  for  him,  as  soon  as  he  perceived 
that  pride  and  indolence  were  stealing  on  his  soul,  he 
threw  up  all,  and  returned  penniless  to  Athens,  say- 
ing, '  ^Tis  letter  to  lose  all  than  myself  7'  Clean thes, 
the  philosopher,  was  so  poor  that  he  was  obliged  to 
grind  corn  for  his  daily  support.  When  Antigonus, 
the  king  of  Macedon,  was  told  of  this,  he  sent  for  him, 
and  asked  him  if  he  found  the  wonderful  things  he 
wrote  in  a  millstone.  *  No,  my  lord,'  said  the  philos- 
opher, '  but  while  laboring  with  my  hands  for  my 
livelihood,  the  eyes  of  my  mind  are  bent  on  subjects 
more  sublime,  and  what  I  reflect  on  in  the  day  I  write 
down  in  the  night.'  A  father  asked  Themistocles  to 
which  of  two  lovers  he  should  marry  his  daughter — 
whether  to  a  poor  man  of  merit,  or  to  a  rich  man  of 
ignorance.  '  Were  I  in  your  place/  said  Themistocles, 
'  I  should  prefer  for  my  daughter  a  man  without  money, 
to  money  without  a  man.'  It  is  something  worth  say- 
ing, that  nearly  all  the  poetry,  philosophy,  and  litera- 
ture of  the  world,  has  come  down  from  those  mountain 
heights  of  intellect,  where  the  heavy  weight  of  gold 
rarely  ascends.  '  I  wonder,'  said  a  rich  ignoramus  to 
an  author  of  genius,  '  why  you  men  of  genius  are  most 
always  so  poor.'  '  Charge  the  difference  between  us 
to  oar  Maker,'  said  the  author  :  *  for.  had  I  bestowed 


AN    AMERICAN'S   TOAST.  77 

the  same  attention  upon  making  earthen  pots  that  you 
have,  I  should  have  your  money  ;  but  no  amount  of 
application  on  your  part  could  ever  enable  you  to 
write  my  books.'  This  agrees  with  Dean  Swift,  who 
said  that  'A  man  of  wit  is  not  incapable  of  business, 
but  above  it.  A  sprightly,  generous  horse  is  able  to 
carry  a  pack-saddle  as  well  as  an  ass,  but  he  is  too 
good  to  be  put  to  the  drudgery/  After  all,  gentle- 
men, much  of  the  advantages  of  riches  over  poverty 
is  only  arbitrary  and  imaginary.  Who  will  tell  us 
how  much  better  off  the  rich  man  is,  who  can  drink 
champagne,  than  the  poor  man,  who  can  drink  only 
cold  water  ?  What  are  the  precise  advantages  of 
broadcloth  over  satinet?— of  a  marble  palace  over 
a  wooden  cottage  ?  Much  of  the  pride  of  the  rich  is 
as  conventional  and  as  ridiculous  as  the  vanity  of  the 
Khan  of  Tartary,  who  lives  in  a  cabin,  and  when  he 
has  finished  his  noon-tide  meal,  which  consists  of  such 
great  luxuries  as  milk  and  horse-flesh,  he  orders  a  pro- 
clamation to  be  made  by  his  herald,  that  all  the  er\- 
pcrors  and  kings  of  the  world  have  his  permission  to 
go  to  dinner." 


AN  AMERICAN'S  TOAST  TO  THE  QUEEN  OF  ENGLAND 

Several  years  ago  an  editor  of  Philadelphia  was  in 
Montreal,  Canada,  when  a  dinner  was  given  to  the 
press  of  that  city,  and  lie  received  an  invitation  to  be 


78  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 

present.  But  when  lie  arrived  in  tlie  anteroom,  lie 
was  informed  by  the  friend  who  had  been  instrumental 
in  having  him  invited,  that  an  objection  had  been 
raised  to  him  in  consequence  of  his  having,  some  two 
rears  before,  recommended  in"  The  Nineteenth  Century" 
(a  quarterly  magazine)  a  plan  for  the  invasion  of  Can- 
ada by  the  Irish  of  the  United  States,  and  of  achiev- 
ing its  independence  of  Great  Britain.  "Very  well," 
said  the  Philadelphian,  "  I  will  withdraw,  then  ;  but 
the  article  of  which  they  complain  was  intended  to 
ridicule  the  folly  of  the  immense  subscriptions  then 
going  on  in  the  United  States  to  free  Ireland."  A 
gentleman  of  the  Montreal  press,  who  overheard  this 
conversation,  immediately  caused  the  objection  to  be 
withdrawn,  and  a  handsome  apology  was  made  to  the 
American  editor  for  the  annoyance  to  which  he  had 
been  subjected.  At  the  dinner,  the  first  toast  in  or- 
der was,  of  course,  to  the  Queen  ;  and,  as  the  last  mail 
from  England  brought  the  news  that  her  Majesty 
was  expecting  every  day  to  be  confined  with  a  fifth 
child  in  the  same  number  of  years,  the  Queen's  health 
was  particularly  a  pertinent  sentiment.  The  privilege 
of  proposing  this  toast  was  allowed  the  American  gen- 
tleman, which  he  discharged  as  follows  :  "  Gentlemen, 
whatever  prejudices  I  may  have  entertained  against 
the  form  of  the  British  government,  I  can  sincerely 
say  that  I  have  never  been  blind  to  the  truly  feminine 
virtues  of  your  noble  Queen  ;  and,  with  all  my  heart, 
I  give  you — '  The  Queen  of  England,  beautiful  as  a 
star  in  one  of  the  heavenly  constellations  ;  and,  like 
the  star,  always  in  the  miiky-icay'" 


SPEECH   OF   A   LOUD    LAUGHER.  79 

It  is  needless  to  say,  that  this  "  palpable  hit "  set  the 
table  in  a  roar,  and  made  the  American  all  right  for 
the  remainder  of  the  feast. 


SrEECH  OF  A  LOUD  LAUGHER. 

A  gentleman,  with  a  very  loud  laugh — a  sort  of 
Stentor-leatlier  Lungs,  Esq. — being  at  a  dinner,  where 
personal  hits  seemed  to  be  the  order  of  the  day,  was 
called  out  to  respond  to  this  sentiment :  "  The  blessings 
of  silence  "  He  said,  "  Being  an  honest  man,  and  being 
ashamed  of  nothing,  and  having  nothing  to  conceal,  1 
confess  that  I  cannot  so  fully  appreciate  this  sentiment 
as  you,  gentlemen,  appear  to.  Our  appreciation  of 
silence  depends  entirely  upon  what  we  wish  to  do.  If 
I  were  about  to  commit  a  theft,  or,  what  the  present 
company  will  better  understand,  to  steal  into  the  bed- 
chamber of  my  neighbor's  wife,  I  have  no  doubt  that  I 
should  pray  for  silence  as  a  blessing  to  cover  my 
deeds  !  All  rogues  have  a  great  horror  of  noise.  The 
bloody  Macbeth  exclaims : 

"  How  is't  with  me  when  every  noise  appalls  me  ?  " 

I  have  read  of  a  thieving  Jew,  who  found  his  way  into 
an  out-of-the-way  hedge  ale-house,  where  he  found  a 
rasher  of  bacon.  Being  excessively  hungry,  he  thought 
he  might  venture  on  the  forbidden  food  in  this  obscure 
place  ;  but  just  as  he  was  lifting  the  first  bit  to  his 


80  THE    MODEL   SPEECH-MAlCEfJ. 

mouth,  a  loud  clap  of  thunder  made  him  drop  it  m 
dismay.  '  Here's  a  pretty  racket  (said  he)  about  a 
morsel  of  bacon  ! '  And  that,  gentlemen,  is  about  as- 
tender  as  I  suppose  all  ro'gues  to  be  on  the  subject  of 
noise  ;  but  as  you,  gentlemen,  are  better  judges  of  this 
than  I,  I  leave  the  whole  matter  with  your  wisdom." 


SPEECH  OF  A  MAN  WHO  WOULDN'T  FIGHT  A  DUEL. 

A  gentleman  who  had  refused  a  challenge  to  a  duel 
was  at  a  dinner  party,  where  the  following  toast  was 
offered  as  a  compliment  to  him :  "  To  the  man  who  is 
80  brave  that  tie  dare  refuse  to  fight  a  duel."  In  re- 
sponse, the  gentleman  said  :  "  I  am  of  the  opinion  that 
accepting  or  refusing  a  challenge  to  a  duel  has  very 
little  to  do  with  a  man's  courage.  A  great  coward 
may  challenge,  and  a  great  coward  may  accept  a  chal- 
lenge, but  it  is  certain  that  a  wise  and  honorable  man 
will  do  neither.  Scipio  Africanus  and  Matellus  were 
as  brave  as  any  men  that  ever  lived,  and  bo>th  of  them 
often  refused  to  fight  duels.  Theophrastus  maintained 
that  he  who  lost  his  life  in  a  duel  robbed  his  country 
of  what  he  had  no  right  to  dispose  of.  When  Marc 
Antony  challenged  Caesar,  the  latter  replied,  ;  My 
life  is  of  too  much  consequence  to  my  subjects  to  hazard 
it  ingloriously.7  And  it  is,  I  think,  a  dictate  of  com- 
mon sense,  that  no  man,  who  feels  that  his  life  is  of 
any  importance  to  his  family  or  his  country,  has  a 
right  to  run  the  risk  of  throwing  it  away  in  a  duel. 


SPEECH   OF   A   PATRIOT.  81 

If  a  question  of  honor  is  between  two  men,  how  does 
it  settle  the  question  for  one  to  shoot  the  other  ? 

"A  revolutionary  mob  once  seized  the  Abbe  Maury 
to  put  him  to  death.  '  To  the  lantern  with  him/  was 
the  universal  shout.  The  Abbe,  with  great  coolness, 
said  to  those  who  were  dragging  him  along,  '  Well,  if 
you  hang  me  to  the  lantern,  will  you  see  any  the  clearer 
for  it  ? '  This  wit  saved  the  Abbe's  life. 

"  When  a  Greenlander  receives  an  affront,  he  gives 
notice  to  his  adversary  that  at  a  particular  time  and 
place  he  will  recite  a  satire  against  him  ;  and  if  the 
other  party  does  not  appear  and  make  some  answer  to 
the  satire,  he  is  regarded  as  a  poltroon  ;  and  he  who 
keeps  up  the  badinage  longest  and  best,  is,  by  the 
numerous  bystanders,  pronounced  victor. 

"Now  this  strikes  me  as  a  more  sensible  way  of 
settling  personal  quarrels  than  the  one  which  is  prac- 
tised in  the  Congress  of  the  United  States.  The  only 
objection  I  can  see  to  it  is,  that  possibly  it  may  require 
a  degree  of  wit  and  smartness  that  our  Congressional 
savages  do  not  possess.  But  then,  if  thus  challenged, 
they  might  get  the  same  men  to  write  their  satires  that 
do  their  speeches.  Why  not?7' 


SPEECH  OF  A  PATRIOT* 


At  a  recent  dinner  given  at  the  house  of  a  United 
States  Senator  in  Washington,  the  oldest  gentleman 
present  was  called  up  to  respond  to  the  following 
4* 


82  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKEll, 

toast :  "  Our  country  and  our  countrymen."  "  Tlie 
sentiment,"  said  the  venerable  Senator,  "  embraces  the 
highest  considerations  that  a  good  man  can  wish  to 
live  for  ;  and  in  it  will  be  found  the  sublime  motives 
which  have  devoted  the  lives  of  the  greatest  men  to 
death.  It  includes  all  that  is  most  blessed  in  the  home 
of  our  parents  and  our  children.  Our  country  is  our- 
selves, for  we  are  all  but  parts  of  the  public  system, 
which  constitutes  the  grand  edifice  of  our  social  and 
political  lives.  The  man  who  even  dies  for  his  coun- 
try, dies  for  himself,  for  his  children,  and  for  the  honor 
of  his  forefathers.  And  what  are  a  few  days  added  to 
a  man's  life,  compared  to  the  glory  and  progressive 
stability  of  those  institutions  which  are  to  be  the  abode 
of  all  the  descending  generations  of  our  offspring? 
Only  as  a  minute  compared  to  a  thousand  years.  It 
is  of  little  moment  whether  I  go  hence  to-day  or  to 
morrow ;  and  every  act  of  mine,  that  bears  upon  iny 
country's  weal  or  woe,  is  something  infinitely  greater 
than  my  life. 

"  When  I  was  a  young  man,  long  before  I  entered 
into  public  life,  the  history  of  the  noble  Saint  Pierre, 
who  devoted  his  own  life  to  save  his  countrymen,  made 
an  impression  on  my  mind  that  has  never,  to  this  day, 
been  erased.  It  is  more  than  fifty  years  since  I  copied 
his  last  speech  ;  I  think  I  have  it  with  me  now,  and  I 
shall  beg  to  read  it  on  this  occasion.  You  remember 
the  history,  gentlemen — that  when  Edward  III.,  King 
of  England,  laid  siege  to  Calais,  that  city  made  an  al- 
most miraculous  resistance  to  the  invading  foe.  But 
at  length  famine  did  what  the  arms  c.*  Edward  had 


SPEECH   OF   A   PATRIOT.  83 

failed  to  do,  and  the  inexorable  Edward,  in  his  wrath 
at  the  determined  resistance  which  had  been  offered  to 
him,  resolved  at  first  to  put  every  man,  woman,  and 
child  to  death  ;  but  at  length  consented  to  pardon  the 
mass,  on  condition  that  they  should  select  six  of  their 
principal  citizens,  and  send  them  to  him,  with  halters 
about  their  necks,  to  be  executed.  When  Sir  Walter 
bore  this  terrible  message  to  the  people  of  the  dis- 
tracted city,  who  were  all  assembled  in  the  great 
square,  Saint  Pierre,  getting  up  to  a  little  eminence, 
addressed  the  assembly  in  these  immortal  words  : 

"  My  friends  and  fellow-citizens,  you  see  the  con- 
dition to  which  we  are  reduced  ;  we  must  either  submit 
to  the  terms  of  our  cruel  and  unsparing  conqueror,  or 
yield  up  our  tender  infants,  our  wives  and  chaste 
daughters  to  the  bloody  and  brutal  lusts  of  the  vio- 
lating soldiery.  We  well  know  what  the  tyrant  in- 
tends by  his  specious  offers  of  mercy.  It  does  not 
satiate  his  vengeance  to  make  us  merely  miserable, — he 
would  also  make  us  criminal.  He  would  make  us  con- 
temptible ;  he  will  grant  us  life  on  no  condition,  save 
that  of  our  being  unworthy  of  it.  Look  about  you, 
my  friends,  and  fix  your  eyes  on  the  persons  whom  you 
wish  to  deliver  up  as  the  victims  of  your  own  safety. 
Which  of  these  would  you  appoint  to  the  rack,  the  axe, 
or  the  halter  ?  Who,  through  tire  length  of  this  invet- 
erate siege,  has  not  suffered  fatigues  and  miseries  a 
thousand  times  worse  than  death,  that  you  and  yours 
might  survive  to  days  of  peace  and  prosperity  ?  Is  it 
your  perversencss,  then,  whom  you  would  destine  to 
destruction  ?  You  will  not,  you  car. not  do  it.  Justice. 


84  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKE?. 

honor,  humanity,  make  such  a  treason  impossible. 
Where  then  is  our  recourse  ?  Is  there  any  expedient 
left  whereby  we  may  avoid  guilt  and  infamy  on  one 
hand,  or  the  desolation  and  horrors  of  a  sacked  city 
on  the  other  ?  There  is,  nry  friends,  there  is  an  ex- 
pedient left, — a  gracious,  a  God-like  expedient !  Is 
there  any  here  to  whom  virtue  is  dearer  than  life? 
Let  him  offer  himself  an  oblation  for  the  safety  of  his 
people — he  shall  not  fail  of  a  blessed  approbation  from 
that  power  who  offered  up  his  only  Son  for  the  salva- 
tion of  mankind.  I  doubt  not  that  there  are  many 
here  as  ready,  nay,  more  zealous  for  this  mart}^rdom 
than  I  can  be,  however  modesty  and  the  fear  of  im- 
puted ostentation  may  withhold  them  from  being  fore- 
most in  exhibiting  their  merits.  Indeed,  the  station  to 
which  Lord  Vienne  has  unhappily  raised  me,  imparts 
a  right  to  be  the  first  in  giving  my  life  for  your  sakes. 
I  give  it  freely,  I  give  it  cheerfully  :  who  comes  next  ? 
*  Your  son  ! '  exclaims  a  youth,  not  yet  come  to  matu- 
rity. '  Ah,  my  child  ! ;  cried  Saint  Pierre,  '  I  am  then 
twice  sacrificed  ;  but,  no,  I  have  rather  begotten  thee 
a  second  time ;  thy  years  are  few,  but  full,  my  son/ 
"Who  next,  my  friends? — this  is  the  hour  of  heroes! 
'  Your  kinsman,'  cried  John  de  Aire  ;  '  your  kinsman/ 
cried  Peter  "Wissant !  *  your  kinsman/  cried  James 
Wissant !  *  Ah  ! '  exclaimed  Sir  Walter  Maury,  burst- 
ing into  tears,  *  why  was  I  not  a  citizen  of  Calais  ! ; 

"  The  sixth  victim  was  still  wanting,  and  so  many 
•were  the  candidates  who  rushed  forward  eager  for  the 
glory,  that  it  had  to  be  determined  by  lot ;  and  these 
six  brave  and  virtuous  citizen  swere  led  out,  and  died 


SPEECH   OF   AN   UNDERTAKER.  8H 

a  sacrifice  for  tlieir  country's  safety.  What  an  ex- 
ample !  and  how  worthy  the  admiration  of  all  good 
men  as  long  as  the  world  stands  !  What  a  rebuke  to 
the  factious  ambition  of  those  who  would  distract  and 
divide  and  destroy  their  country  on  mere  abstractions 
and  partisan  vanity  !  Somebody  has  profanely  said, 
that  the  race  of  great  men  is  gone.  I  hope  no  one  has 
ventured  to  say  that  the  race  of  patriots  is  gone !  And 
yet,  when  I  think  of  history,  I  am  frightened.  When 
I  think  of  what  our  fathers  suffered,  to  bestow  upon  us 
such  a  glorious  inheritance  as  our  country,  and  then 
see  for  what  baubles  and  abstractions  many  would  reck- 
lessly throw  it  away,  I  am  frightened.  I  can  almost 
soy  that  I  have  seen  the  glorious  sun  of  our  Republic 
rise,  and  I  pray  God  that  my  children  may  never  wit- 
ness its  setting.'11 


SPEECH  OF  AN  UNDERTAKER. 

A  merry  undertaker,  who  had  become  rich  by  a 
diligent  attention  to  his  calling,  was  present  at  one  of 
the  sumptuous  feasts  which  used  to  be  given  by  the 
Ten  Governors  of  the  city  of  New  York,  and  was 
called  upon  to  speak  upon  this  toast:  "  The  Under- 
taker— may  it  be  long  before  he  overtakes  us."  "  I 
,"  said  he,  "  heartily  respond  to  that  roast,  gentle- 
mefe.  I  am  in  no  hurry,  for  I  am  sure  of  the  game  at 
last,  and  can  well  afford  to  wait  until  you  are  better 
prepared  to  be  overtaken  by  me  than  you  are  at  this 


86  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 

sitting.  I  speak  to  you  gravely,  and  to  you  only  on 
this  subject ;  and  I  pledge  you  my  word,  that  when  I 
have  tolled  your  sad  fate  to  those  whofottoiu  you,  I  shall 
make  no  allusion  to  your  vices  and  dissipations.  The 
undertaker  is  the  most  charitable  of  men,  for  it  is  his 
business  to  cover  up  the  faults  of  mankind,  and  to  put 
to  rest  a  great  deal  of  strife  and  wrong.  And  if  St. 
Paul  may  be  taken  as  authority,  there  is  no  better 
Christian  than  the  undertaker,  for  to  him  death  is 
great  gain.  And  no  man  possesses  a  kinder  heart,  for 
every  passing  belle  fills  him  with  the  tenderest  emotions. 


SPEECH  OF  A  TALLOW-CHANDLER. 

A  witty  tallow-chandler,  whose  profession  was 
toasted  at  an  anniversary  dinner  of  one  of  the  me- 
chanic's associations  of  the  city  of  Newark,  responded 
?«s  follows  :  "  I  thank  you,  gentlemen,  in  behalf  of  the 
numerous  and  enlightened  members  of  the  profession 
which  you  have  toasted.  We  are  a  merry  set  of  fel- 
lows, who  continue  to  make  light  work  of  even  the 
heaviest  duties  of  life.  None  are  more  amiable  and 
fascinating,  especially  to  the  ladies,  than  we,  for  we 
never  fail  to  have  a  melting  way,  however  cold  and 
ungenial  the  whole  world  around  us  may  be.  We, 
too,  practise  the  Christian  virtues,  and  were  never 
known,  even  in  the  most  profane  and  infidel  times,  to 
hide  our  candle  under  a  bushd.  We  send  a  hospitable 
guide  to  the  bewildered  traveller,  to  show  him  the 


SPEECH   OF   A   SHOEMAKER.  87 

way  through  the  darkness  of  night.  We  enable  the 
philosopher  to  pursue  his  studies,  whenever  the  suii  of 
heaven  fails  him.  When  darkness  covers  the  earth, 
we  send  thousands  of  suns  into  the  gloomy  abodes  of 
men.  The  king  and  the  beggar  are  alike  dependent 
upon  us  ;  and  it  is  we  who  have  the  honor  and  happi- 
ness to  light  millions  of  beautiful  girls  to  bed  every 
night  of  their  lives.  But  I  must  stop  this,  gentlemen, 
or  you  will  all  be  rushing  into  the  profession,  and 
spoil  the  business.  And  if  you  were  to,  you  would 
not  find  us — like  the  members  of  other  over-crowded 
professions — gloomy  and  morose,  for  we  should  make 
light  of  our  misfortunes,  and  still  toil  on,  endeavoring 
to  throiv  ligld  upon  the  darkest  hour  of  adversity." 


SPEECH   OF   A   SHOEMAKER. 

In  response  to  this  toast — "  The  Shoemaker — may 
he  stick  to  his  last,  and  may  his  customers  stick  to 
him," — a  member  of  the  craft  said  :  t"  There  is  every 
reason  in  the  world  why  his  customers  should  stick  to 
him,  not  only  because  he  is  generally  well  icaxed,  but 
because  they  are  under  the  strongest  obligations  to 
him  for  the  good  condition  of  their  understandings. 
Men's  very  soles  have  to  look  to  the  shoemaker  for 
protection  and  salvation.  It  is  he  who  helps  men  to 
become  wi.-o,  by  impressing  them  with  the  everlasting 
truth  of  such  immortal  maxims  as,  '  a  stitch  in  time 
saves  nine.'  It  is  he  who  enables  men  to  go  abroad. 


88  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 

amid  the  snows  of  winter,  and  over  the  burning  sanda 
of  summer.  How  fatally  would  all  the  social  and 
commercial  intercourse  among  men  be  interrupted,  if 
not  entirely  destroyed,  but  for  the  shoemaker  !  The 
philosopher,  the  poet,  the  statesman,  the  hero,  the 
beautiful  maiden,  all  ranks  and  conditions  in  life — 
from  the  king  to  the  beggar — pay  tribute  to  the  skill 
and  industry  of  the  shoemaker.  He  is  one  of  the  most 
useful,  as  well  as  ornamental,  members  of  society. 
While  the  importance  of  all  other  trades  may  be  com- 
puted by  inches,  his  is  reckoned  lay  feet.  And  when  all 
other  trades  fail,  his  will  survive,  for  at  the  end  of  the 
world  the  shoemaker  will  be  the  last  man." 


SPEECH  OF  A  MUSICIAN. 

A  musician,  who  was  called  upon  at  table  to  respond 
to  a  toast,  complimentary  to  his  profession,  said  :  "  I 
thank  you,  gentlemen,  in  behalf  of  the  musical  frater- 
nity, which  you  ,*re  not  to  consider  as  a  mere  orna- 
mental and  amusing  profession,  but  as  one  eminently 
philosophical,  useful,  and  instructive.  No  profession  has 
been  more  wronged  by  public  opinion  than  ours,  which 
is  regarded  as  vain,  idle,  reckless,  envious,  and  unprinci- 
pled. But,  to  the  direct  contrary  of  all  this,  the  musi- 
cian is  one  of  the  most  industrious  men  in  the  world, 
always  endeavoring  to  lose  no  time ;  and  so  prudent, 
withal,  that  he  keeps  time,  which  everybody  else  allows 
to  keep  them.  He  is  so  honest,  that  he  will  do  everj 


SPEECH    OF   A   POLITE   MAN.  89 

tiling  ia  his  power  to  make  every  note  of  his  good  ; 
and  so  benevolent,  that  he  will  sacrifice  his  own  ease 
to  establish  harmony  among  men,  and  bar  out  discord 
from  the  family  circle.  He  is  the  only  man  who  can 
get  crotchets  in  his  head,  without  destroying  his  prac 
tical  usefulness.  Our  childhood's  primer  taught  us 

that— 

'  Time  cuts  down  all, 
Both  great  and  small.' 

And  the  voice  of  experience  has  said,  that  '  Time 
conquers  all/ — all  but  the  musician,  gentlemen,  but  he 
beats  time.  And  although  he  often  proves  a  thorough- 
bass fellow,  yet  that  is  of  minor  importance,  since  his 
good  qualities  are  major." 


SPEECH  OF  A  POLITE  MAN. 

A  gentleman  who  was  called  upon  to  speak  upon  a 
toast  in  favor  of  politeness,  for  some  time  remained 
silent,  while  the  party  continually  cried,  Speech !  speech ! 
At  length  he  said  :  "  Gentlemen,  we  shall  better  show 
our  appreciation  of  the  sentiment  of  the  toast  by  silence 
than  by  speaking.  Politeness  requires  that  we  shall 
talk  no  more  than  is  necessary,  and  that  we  should,  on 
all  occasions,  make  the  least  possible  display  and  cere- 
mony. When  Louis  XIY.  was  told  that  Lord  Stair, 
the  English  ambassador  to  the  French  court,  was  the 
best  bred  man  in  Europe,  he  said, '  I  will  put  his  polite- 
ness to  the  test ; '  and  asking  Lord  Stair  to  take  au 


90  THE  MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 

airing  with  him,  he  desired  him  to  walk  on  ahead  and 
enter  the  royal  carriage  first.  Lord  Stair  obeyed. 
1  The  world  is  right/  said  the  king,  '  in  the  character 
it  has  given  of  this  nobleman ;  a  person  less  polite 
than  he  would  have  teased  me  with  ceremony.7  I  can 
say  nothing,  gentlemen,  that  will  add  to  this  test  of 
true  politeness  laid  down  by  the  grand  monarque.  In 
true  politeness  there  is  the  least  possible  pretension, 
ceremony,  or  display.  Every  thing  is  done  to  make 
people  at  ease  and  satisfied,  and  nothing  that  can  have 
a  tendency  to  disquiet  and  displease.  It  is  the  easiest 
thing  in  the  world  for  a  man  or  woman,  with  a  good 
heart,  to  be  polite,  but  no  amount  of  art  and  education 
can  ever  make  a  bad-hearted  and  ill-natured  person 
truly  so.7' 


SPEECH  OF  A  LACONIC  MAN. 

A  gentleman  remarkable  for  his  brevity  was  toasted 
in  this  manner  :  "  To  the  man  who  says  the  best  things 
in  the  fewest  words."  He  said  :  "  Gentlemen,  I  thank 
you,"  and  took  his  seat.  But  the  party  clamorously 
cried  "  A  speech !  a  speech ! "  "  No,"  said  he,  "  gentle- 
men, brevity,  like  great  deeds,  does  not  tolerate  much 
speaking.  History  gives  us  memorable  examples. 
When  William  the  Conqueror  set  his  foot  on  English 
ground,  he,  burned  his  ships  and  cried  :  '  Soldiers,  be- 
hold your  country  ! '  Henry  IV.  of  France  was  about 
as  brief.  On  going  into  battle  he  said  to  his  troops  : 


SPEECH   OF   A   COOK.  91 

'  I  am  your  king  :  you  are  Frenchmen  ;  behold  the  ene- 
my.' At  the  great  naval  engagement  at  Trafalgar, 
Nelson  said :  '  England  expects  every  man  to  do  his 
duty.'  Napoleon's  speech  to  his  army  in  Egypt  was  : 
'  Soldiers,  forty  centuries  look  down  upon  you  from  the 
tops  of  these  pyramids*'  The  great  Roman's  bulletin 
of  the  battle  lie  had  won  was  :  '  I  came,  I  saw,  I  con 
quered.'  King  Henry  IV.  once  met  an  ecclesiastic,  to 
whom  he  said:  '  Whence  do  you  come?  Where  are 
you  going?  What  do  you  want?'  The  ecclesiastic 
replied  instantly  :  '  From  Bourges — to  Paris — a  bene- 
fice.' '  You  shall  have  it/  replied  the  monarch.  But, 
gentlemen,  let  me  not  spoil  your  excellent  toast  by 
prolix  illustrations.  I  have  done." 


SPEECH  OF  A  COOK. 

A  celebrated  cook,  who  had  also  some  pretensions 
to  learning,  and  was  a  good  deal  of  a  wag  withal, 
was  called  upon  to  speak  to  a  toast  in  praise  of  his 
profession.  He  said  ;  "  Gentlemen,  the  cook's  profes- 
sion is  one  of  which  any  man  may  be  justly  proud,  for 
the  most  distinguished  men  of  all  ages  have  expended 
their  best  taste  upon  it.  Nearly  all  the  celebrated  wits 
of  the  age  of  Louis  XIY.  were  excellent  cooks,  and 
were  prouder  of  their  skill  in  compounding  sauces  than 
they  were  of  their  literary  fame.  Boileau  was  a 
famous  cook  •  so  was  Sir  Humphry  Davy.  Talleyrand 
was  quite  as  proud  of  being  a  great  cook  as  he  was  of 


92  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 

being  a  great  statesman.  Lord  Byron  pronounced 
Gouthier  d'Andernach  the  greatest  man  of  his  age,  be- 
cause he  invented,  in  less  than  ten  years,  seven  culliscs, 
nine  ragouts,  thirty-one  sauces,  and  twenty-one  soups. 
A  celebrated  member  of  the  French  Academy  said  :  '  I 
regard  the  discovery  of  a  dish. as  a  far  more  interest-, 
ing  event  than  the  discovery  of  a  star  ;  for  we  have 
always  stars  enough,  but  can  never  have  too  many 
dishes ;  and  I  shall  not  regard  the  sciences  as  suffi- 
ciently honored  until  I  see  a  cook  in  the  first  class  in 
the  institute/  The  great  Earl  of  Peterborough  was 
quite  as  fond  of  cooking  as  lie  was  of  war.  It  was  hip 
custom  to  assist  in  preparing  the  feast  over  which  he 
was  to  preside  ;  and  when  at  Bath,  he  was  often  seen 
in  the  streets,  in  his  blue  ribbon  and  star,  carrying  a 
chicken  in  his  hand,  and  perhaps  a  cabbage  under  each 
arm.  I  have  often  seen  Alexander  Dumas  presiding 
over  the  smoking  viands  of  his  kitchen  in  Paris.  Vol- 
taire had  so  much  respect  for  a  good  cook,  that  the 
worst  thing  he  could,  say  of  an  enemy  was  to  call  him 
fricasseur  ! — a  mean  cook.  Men  of  genius  in  all  ages 
have  held  the  gastronomic  science  in  greatest  respect. 
Shakespeare  must  have  been  a  famous  cook,  especially 
of  beefsteaks,  as  we  infer  from  the  following  excellent 
receipt  for  cooking  one,  which  he  puts  into  the  mouth 
of  one  Macbeth,  a  well-known  butcher  of  Scotland,  in 
the  time  of  King  Duncan  : 

" '  Tf  it  were  done,  when  'tis  done,  then  'twere  well 
It  were  done  quicUy.' " 


SPEECH    ON   SCANDAL.  93 

SPEECH  ON  SCANDAL. 

~W'ien  the  following  toast  was  proposed,  "To  the 
man  wlio  thinks  the  most  good,  and  speaks  the  least 
ill  ff  his  neighbors,"  a  gentleman  remarked  that  a 
goo'i  man  rarely  thinks  ill  of  his  neighbor,  and  the 
well-bred  man  never  speaJcs  ill  of  him.  Scandal  is  too 
mean  a  vice  to  find  a  place  anywhere  but  in  the  mean- 
est soul.  It  is  generally  the  companion  of  ignorance 
and  oelf-conceit.  Those  who  are  guilty  of  it,  seldom 
have  any  correct  idea  of  right  or  wrong,  but  censure 
indiscriminately  everything  in  others  which  they  do  not 
possess  themselves.  For  this  reason  the  good  and  wise 
are  a^  apt  as  any  others  to  be  the  victims  of  it.  Seneca 
said,  "It  is  enough  for  a  man  to  have  an  exalted  virtue  to 
draw  on  him  a  deep  weight  of  scandal  and  detraction." 

Demosthenes  observed,  that "  111  tongues  are  busy  only 
with  those  who  deserve  praise  ;  but  as  a  worthless  per- 
son is  beneath  scandal,  all  truly  meritorious  people 
may  feel  themselves  to  be  above  its  reach."  It  was 
singular  advice  which  Demaratus  gave  his  friend  when 
about  to  marry,  to  make  choice  of  one  for  his  wife  who 
was  most  generally  spoken  ill  of  by  her  own  sex. 
Slanderers  generally  betray  the  vices  which  they  are 
inclined  to  themselves,  by  the  faults  which  they  suspect 
in  others.  The  horse-thief  naturally  suspects  the  man 
he  meets  by  the  wayside  to  be  a  horse-thief;  the  liar 
believes  no  man's  word,  and  the  woman  of  impure 
thoughts  suspects  the  chastity" of  every  other  woman. 
I  have  a  friend  who  lately  came  near  marrying  a  young 
lady  who  possessed  considerable  beauty  and  accomplish- 


94  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 

ment,  but  she  knew  so  much  ill  of  her  neighbors,  and 
had  such  a  horror  of  unchaste  women,  that  she  frighten- 
ed him  out  of  all  his  matrimonial  intentions. 

As  good  people  do  not  speak  ill  of  others,  they  do 
not  make  much  ado  when  others  speak  ill  of  them. 
Conscious  innocency  is  a  door  that  shuts  out  all  fear 
and  anxiety  as  to  their  good  name.  When  Philip, 
king  of  Macedon,  was  told  that  the  Greeks  spoke  ill 
of  him,  he  calmly  replied,  "  Then  it  is  my  business  to 
live  in  such  a  manner  as  to  prove  them  to  be  liars." 


SPEECH   OF  A   MERCHANT.. 

A  merchant  was  complimented  with  this  toast,  "The. 
merchant — may  he  ever  be  exchanging  for  the  Letter."  He 
responded  by  saying,  that  if  the  merchant's  exchanges 
did  not  better  himself,  they  were  sure  to  benefit  others. 
For  it  is  the  merchant  who  causes  the  chief  value  of  all 
the  goods  and  commodities  in  the  world.  It  is  the  ex- 
change of  the  fruits  of  industry  that  gives  them  their 
highest  price.  The  farmer,  the  mechanic,  the  artisan — 
all  are  indebted  to  the  merchant  for  the  wealth  and 
luxury  which  their  productions  bring  to  their  doors. 
The  merchant  takes  the  farmer's  produce,  and  the  me- 
chanic's wares,  and  gives  him  in  exchange  for  them 
money,  silks,  sugars,  teas,  and  the  fruits  of  all  climes. 
And  it  is  this  principle  of  exchange  which  so  immensely 
increases  the  prices  of  all  kinds  of  productions,  that  it 
is  the  mighty  mainspring  of  the  wealth  of  .the  world. 


SPEECH   OF   A   MERCHANT.  95 

It  was  out  of  trade  and  commerce  that  tlie  grandeur 
and  freedom  of  the  English  nation  arose  to  such  gigan- 
tic proportions.  It  was  trade  and  commerce  that 
raised,  by  insensible  degrees,  her  navy  to  be  the  master 
of  the  seas,  and  enabled  her  to  leave  the  foot-prints  of 
her  civilization  on  every  shore.  It  will  be  the  marvel 
of  posterity  that  a  little  island,  not  larger  in  territory 
than  one  of  our  States,  whose  only  produce  was  a  little 
lead,  tin,  fuller's  earth,  and  coarse  wool,  should  become 
so  powerful  by  its  commerce  as  to  dictate  terms  to  the 
civilized  and  savage  world.  It  is  not  the  nobility  but 
the  merchants  of  England  who  have  made  her  what 
she  is.  A  lord  is  a  powdered  puppet,  who  can  tell  you 
at  what  time  the  monarch  arises  and  goes  to  bed,  who 
gives  himself  airs  of  grandeur  and  state  through  an 
idle  and  gouty  life,  while  the  merchant  enriches  his 
country,  dispatches  orders  to  the  ends  of  the  earth,  and 
perpetually  contributes  to  the  felicity  and  progress  of 
the  world.  If  our  country  is  richer  now  than  in  earlier 
days,  look  to  our  merchants  for  the  immediate  cause 
of  its  progressive  development.  It  is  to  them  that  wo 
are  indebted  for  the  convenience  of  railroads,  steam- 
boats, telegraphs,  the  sinews  of  war,  and  the  luxuries 
of  peace.  It  is  the  merchant  who  enables  the  farmer 
to  live  like  a  king,  and  the  mechanic  to  dress  his  wife 
and  daughters  in  silk  brocades.  Nearly  all  the  advan- 
tages of  civilization  over  savage  life  come  to  the  people 
through  the  hands  and  enterprise  of  the  merchant. 
The  phrase  "merchant  princes,"  therefore,  gentlemen, 
conveys  no  exaggerated  idea  of  the  usefulness  and  im- 
portance of  the  mercantile  profession. 


THE  MODEL  SPEECH-MAKER. 

SPEECH  OF  A  SOLDIER. 

A  military  gentleman  of  considerable  repute,  being 
present  at  a  public  dinner,  was  called  upon  to  speak 
in  response  to  a  toast  complimentary  to  the  military 
profession.  He  remarked  that  the  profession  of  a  sol- 
dier, to  be  appreciated,  must  be  looked  at  historically. 
We  must  regard  it,  not  in  the  light  of  its  abstract 
deeds  of  carnage  and  destruction,  but  in  the  protec- 
tion it  gives  to  the  institutions  of  state  and  the  rights 
of  our  country.  As  it  was  by  war  that  our  liberties 
had  to  be  achieved,  so  by  war  they  may  have  to  be  de- 
fended and  protected.  That  has  been  the  history  of 
all  time.  It  was  by  war  that  the  foundation  of  the 
mighty  commonwealth  of  Rome  was  laid,  and  it  was 
by  war  that  it  was  raised  to  its  lofty  pitch  of  glory. 
In  vain  had  Numa  taught  her  people  the  arts  of  peace, 
and  its  holy  rites  and  ceremonies,  if  Tullus  Hostilius 
had  not  also  taught  them  the  arts  of  war.  Both  the 
literature  and  religion  of  antiquity  proclaim  the  war- 
like arts  as  descending  from  the  gods.  Jupiter  him- 
self was  of  little  account  without  his  thunder,  and  the 
disarmed  Apollo  was  an  object  of  commiseration. 
Mars  had  to  be  invoked  to  defend  both  Jupiter  and 
Vulcan  against  the  Giants.  And  all  this  was  but  a 
fable  of  what  all  history  has  been  enacting  ever  since, 
and  will  continue  to  enact  to  the  end  of  time.  The 
giants  still  survive,  and  Mars  and  Victoria  must  ever 
be  in  readiness  to  meet  them  in  battle  array. 

Lycurgus,  the  Lacedemonian  legislator,  thought  the 
art  of  war  so  necessary,  that  he  forbade  the  citizens  to 


i 


SPEECH   OF  A   SOLDIER.  97 

learn  any  other  business,  and  continually  employed 
tliera  in  the  exercise  of  arms.  And  this  he  did,  not 
because  he  desired  war,  but  because  the  terror  of  men 
so  skilled  in  the  martial  science  might  preserve  peace 
in  his  republic.  The  greatest  generals  have  generally 
been  the  most  humane  of  men,  carefully  avoiding  giv- 
ing any  more  suffering  even  to  the  enemy  than  was 
necessary  for  the  cause  of  victory.  That  great  and 
terrible  captain,  Narses,  who  subjugated  the  Goths, 
conquered  the  Bactria,  and  overcame  a  great  part  of 
Germany,  never  gave  battle  to  his  enemy  without  pass- 
ing the  foregoing  night  in  tears  before  the  altar.  The 
emperor  Theodore,  whenever  he  besieged  a  town,  gave 
his  soldiers  orders  never  to  open  any  battery  against 
the  walls  until  they  had  waited  ten  days  to  allow  them 
time  to  capitulate.  Washington,  we  know,  was  one 
of  the  most  humane  of  men.  The  courage  and  great- 
ness of  soul  with  which  the  martial  science  ought  to 
inspire  the  commander,  naturally  renders  him  superior 
to  the  low  passions  of  cruelty  and  revenge.  Sylla, 
Tiberius,  Caligula,  and  Nero,  were  butchers,  not  gen- 
erals ;  while  Augustus,  and  Trajan,  and  Antigonus, 
and  Phocian  were  as  great  in  mercy  as  they  were 
powerful  in  arms.  The  really  great  military  com- 
mander is  as  anxious  to  avoid  the  calamities  of  war  as 
that  great  general  of  the  Athenians,  who  did  all  he 
could  to  prevent  them  from  declaring  war  against  tho 
Macedonians  ;  and  when  some  who  dissented  from 
im  in  opinion,  asked  him  when  he  would  have  them 
make  war,  he  replied  :  "  When  the  young  men  shall 
l>eooine  grave  and  deliberate,  when  the  rich  Shall  vol- 
5 


98  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 

untarily  contribute  to  relieve  the  necessities  of  the 
poor,  and  when  orators  shall  refain  from  speaking  in 
public."  I  join  the  great  Athenian,  gentlemen,  and 
pray  that  we  may  never  be  involved  in  war  again 
until  these  impossible  things  are  witnessed  in  our 
midst. 


SPEECH  OF  A  MAN  OF  HONOR. 

At  a  party  of  literary  gentlemen  and  merchants,  one 
of  the  number,  who  possessed  the  reputation  of  being 
a  man  of  the  greatest  degree  of  honor,  was  called  up 
in  response  to  the  following  toast :  "  May  honor  and 
virtue  ever  guide  the  footsteps  of  ambition."  He  said  : 
"  The  ancient  Romans,  having  erected  two  temples,  one 
dedicated  to  Honor  and  the  other  to  Yirtue,  joined 
the  passage  from  one  to  the  other  in  such  a  manner 
that  none  could  enter  that  of  honor  without  passing 
through  that  of  virtue.  Many  are  the  lessons  which 
ancient  history  teaches  us  of  the  love  of  honor  and  the 
practice  of  virtue,  which  may  be  studied  profitably  by 
modern  Christian  nations.  Julius  Cassar,  in  his  youth, 
happening  to  see  a  statue  of  Alexander  the  Great, 
which  seemed  to  have  been  made  for  him  when  he  was 
about  the  age  of  twenty-four,  fell  to  weeping,  and  said  : 
'  How  miserable  am  I,  to  have  done  nothing  worthy 
of  memory  1  and  this  prince,  even  at  so  few  years, 
merited  to  have  his  figure  perpetuated.' 

"When  Pompey  the  Great  vanquished  Tygranes, 


SPEECH   OP  A  MAN   OP   HONOR.  99 

king  jf  Pontus,  and  took  him  prisoner,  lie  restored 
him  to  his  dignity  and  his  liberty,  preferring  to  make 
him  a  friend  and  ally  of  the  Romans,  rather  than  to 
carry  him  to  them  in  triumph,  saying,  '  The  glory  of 
an  age  is  more  valuable  than  that  of  a  day.' 

"  The  practice  of  suicide,  so  common  among  defeated 
warriors  in  ancient  times,  illustrates  the  fact  that  they 
preferred  honor  and  glory  to  life.  And  this  was 
shown  not  only  by  male  heroes,  but  was  practised  also 
by  the  women,  who,  like  the  chaste  Lucrece,  refused  to 
survive  the  loss  of  her  honor ;  or,  like  the  beautiful 
Amiutliea  of  Macedonia,  who,  having  been  caught  in. 
adultery,  refused  an  offered  pardon,  declaring  that  she 
would  wash  away  her  guilt  and  shame  in  death.  And 
how  numerous  are  such  instances  at  the  present  day, 
of  fallen  but  heroic  women,  who  prefer  death  to  dis- 
honor !  It  is  one  of  the  proofs  of  the  dignity  of  human 
nature,  that  the  principle  of  honor  is,  among  all  na- 
tions, savage  and  civilized,  worshipped  as  a  divinity. 
Their  notions  of  it  may,  oftentimes,  be  erroneous  and 
absurd,  but  the  human  heart  everywhere  bows  to  the 
principle,  according  to  the  light  it  enjoys.  A  savage 
negro  of  Guinea  will  be  killed  himself,  sooner  than 
give  up  a  white  man,  who  is  a  guest  in  his  hut,  to  the 
violence  of  the  mob. 

"  Honor,  that  spark  of  the  celestial  fire, 
That  above  nature  makes  mankind  aspire ; 
Ennobles  the  rude  passions  of  our  frame 
With  thirst  of  glory,  and  desire  of  fame, — 
The  richest  treasure  of  a  generous  breast, 
That  gives  the  stamp  and  standard  of  the  rest." 


100  THE  MODEL  SPEECH-MAKER. 

SPEECH  OF  A  JESTER. 

When  the  following  toast  was  offered,  "  May  we 
never  give  ivay  to  melancholy,  but  always  be  merry  in 
the  right  places" — a  gentleman,  who  was  well  known 
for  his  jests,  remarked,  that  it  is  not  easy  to  know  for 
a  certainty  the  right  place  for  jesting.  In  the  reign 
of  Edward  the  Fourth,  a  citizen  in  Cheapside,  London, 
was  executed  as  a  traitor,  for  saying  that  he  would 
make  his  son  heir  to  the  crown,  meaning  his  house,  which 
had  a  crown  for  a  sign.  That  proved  a  very  ill-timed 
jest,  certainly,  for  the  innocent  wag. 

The  temptation  of  a  merry  fellow  to  crack  his  jokey 
is  so  very  great,  that  we  must  not  wonder  if  he  often 
cracks  them  in  the  wrong  place.  The  greatest  of  men 
have  often  been  jesters.  Dulce  est  desipere,  says  Hor- 
ace— "  'Tis  delightful  to  play  the  fool."  Scipio  and 
Cato  were  as  frolicsome  and  full  of  jests  as  boys.  Nor 
were  they  always  so  careful  about  the  time  and  place 
either. 

Jesting  in  illness,  or  at  the  point  of  death,  is 
reckoned  almost  profane,  and  yet  we  have  many  illus- 
trious examples  of  death-bed  jesting ;  as  Sir  Thomas 
Moore,  for  instance,  who  jested  upon  the  scaffold,  in 
desiring  the  executioner  to  put  aside  his  beard,  saying, 
"  It  has  not  committed  any  treason."  When  the  beau- 
tiful and  accomplished  Stella  was  in  a  dying  condition, 
her  physician,  to  encourage  her,  said,  "  Madam,  you 
are  certainly  near  the  bottom  of  the  hill,  but  we  shall 
endeavor  to  get  you  up  again."  With  great  difficulty 
she  could  barely  articulate,  "  I  ain  afraid,  doctor,  I 


SPEECH   OF   AN   IMPUDENT   MAN.  101 

shall  be  out  of  breath  first."  These  illustrious  per- 
sons certainly  did  not  think  that,  because  we  came 
crying  into  the  world,  it  is  a  good  reason  why  we 
should  go  whining  out  of  it.  If  you  ask  me  my  opin- 
ion, gentlemen,  as  to  the  proper  time  and  place  for 
jesting,  I  should  reply  in  the  language  of  a  famous  old 
glee,  set  to  music  by  Dr.  Arne  : 

"  Which  is  the  properest  day  to  drink, 
Saturday,  Sunday,  Monday? 
Each  is  the  properest  day,  I  think, 
Why  should  I  name  but  one  day  ? 
Tell  me  but  yours,  I'll  mention  my  day, 
Let  us  fix  on  some  day : 
Tuesday,  Wednesday,  Thursday,  Friday, 
Saturday,  Sunday,  Monday." 


SPEECH   OF  AN   IMPUDENT   MAN. 

A  gentleman  who  was  called  out  to  speak  in  defence 
>f  impudence,  said  that  he  took  great  pride  and  pleas- 
ire  in  discharging  the  duty  which  their  partiality  had 
assigned  him.  He  had  good  examples  before  him. 
Orators  and  men  of  wit  have  frequently  amused  them- 
selves in  maintaining  paradoxes.  Erasmus  wrote  a 
:anegyric  upon/o%.  Montague  said  fine  things  about 
?,  which  he  somewhere  calls  "  The  softest  pil- 
low a  man  can  lay  his  head  upon."  But  it  is  astonish- 
ing that  nobody  has  done  justice  to  impudence,  sinco 
more  than  two-thirds  of  all  the  success  in  the  world  is 


102  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 

duo  to  naked,  unblushing,  uncompounded  i/.ip-uilence. 
What  is  a  politician,  for  instance,  without  ii  ipudence? 
A  spider  without  legs,  a  gun  without  powder,  a  stomach 
and  mouth  without  hands  to  feed  them !  "  Impudence," 
says  Osborn,  "  is  no  virtue,  yet  able  to  beggar  them 
all." 

"  For  he  that  has  best  impudence, 
To  all  things  has  a  fair  pretence." 

It  is  as  useful  in  the  professions  as  armor  in  a  camp. 
Set  the  man  of  wisdom  and  the  man  of  impudence  to 
running  a  race  for  office  or  wealth,  and  see  who  shall 
come  out  first.  To  talk  of  a  lawyer  without  impudence, 
is  to  talk  of  a  body  without  breath.  And  as  for  doc- 
tors, Pliny  affirms  it  to  be  "The  prerogative  of  the  art 
of  healing,  that  any  man  who  professes  himself  a  phy- 
sician, is  instantly  received  as  such." 

IIow  many  a  worthless,  idle  fellow  gets  a  rich  and  in- 
dustrious wife  by  dint  of  pure  impudence  ?  And,  per- 
haps, it  is  well  that  he  does,  for  it  would  be  an  alarming 
sight  to  see  a  thriftless  man  marry  a  shiftless  woman ! 
The  impudent  man  faithfully  follows  that  scripture 
which  commands  him  not  to  hide  his  candle  under  a 
bushel ;  and,  to  be  as  literal  as  possible,  the  smaller 
his  candle,  the  higher  he  generally  holds  it.  Office 
somehow  seems  to  stumble  upon  him,  because  he  is 
always  in  the  way.  And  then,  gentlemen,  as  this  is  an 
impudent  world,  it  will  be  found  very  hard  getting 
along  in  it  without  a  considerable  share  of  the  popular 
material.  Impudence  can  be  successfully  met  only 
with  impudence,  as  is  illustrated  by  an  anecdote  of  an 


SPEECH   AT   A   MARRIAGE.  103 

Oxford  scholar,  who  called  one  morning  on  another, 
before  he  was  out  of  bed,  and  hallooed  into  his  room — 

"Jack,  are  you  asleep?" 

"Why?" 

"Because  I  want  to  borrow  half  a  crown  of  you." 

"  Then  I  am  asleep." 


SPEECH   AT    A  MARRIAGE. 

At  a  marriage  dinner,  where  the  following  toast  was 
offered,  "  The  present  happy  occasion"  a  gentleman  said, 
It  is  an  occasion  which  brings  happiness  to  all  parties : 

I.  To  our  friends  who  are  just  married  it  is  a  divine 
time,  when  faith  is  lost  in  sight,  and  hope  in  fruition. 

II.  To  those  who  have  been  long  married,  it  brings 
back  a  memory  of  the  blessed  time  when  they  were 
joined  in  wedlock. 

III.  To  those  who  are  not  married,  it  carries  their 
thoughts  forward,  in  blissful  anticipation  of  the  time 
when  they  hope  to  be. 

So  all  are,  or  ought. to  be,  happy  on  the  present  occa- 
sion. I  beg  pardon  ;  there  is  one  class,  which  I  trust, 
however,  is  not  represented  here — I  mean  old  bachelors, 
that  is,  incorrigible  old  bachelors,  who  not  only  are 
not,  but  never  mean  to  be  married — malicious  despisers 
of  life's  lawful  sweetness,  and  contemners  of  the  divine 
rights  and  diviner  charms  of  woman.  By  the  Roman 
laws,  all  such  were  punished  as  criminals,  and  were 
prohibited  from  holding  any  public  office.  Augustus 


104  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-JIAKEB. 

Cassar  laid  a  heavy  tax  on  all  who  were  found  unmar- 
ried after  the  age  of  twenty- five.  By  the  laws  of  Ly- 
curgus,  all  the  men  who  refused  to  marry  were  debarred 
from  appearing  at  the  public^ganies  ;  which  interdiction 
was  considered  the  greatest  ignominy,  and  the  great- 
est deprivation,  too,  for  at  these  games  the  young  and 
beautiful  damsels  displayed  their  charms  in  various 
feats  of  agility  and  gracefulness.  Simonides  said  that 
the  man  who  does  not  marry,  shows  himself  to  be  so 
selfish  a  coward  that  he  shrinks  away  from  the  most 
sacred  responsibilities  of  life.  So,  if  this  famous  old 
poet,  Simonides,  is  right,  the  man  who  gets  married  is 
as  brave  as  a  soldier.  In  fact,  he  is  so  much  of  a  sol- 
dier that  he  impatiently  flies  to  arms  in  times  of  the 
profoimdest  peace,  and  is  never  happier  than  when  he 
is  at  the  head  of  the  infantry.  And  this  married  sol- 
dier, being  no  longer  sent  to  the  outskirts,  is  fortunately 
kept  on  duty  in  the  home  squadron  for  life.  Middle- 
ton,  in  his  play  entitled  "  Beware  of  Women,"  has  drawn 
the  following  exquisite  picture  of  wedlock  : 

"I  scent  the  air 

Of  blessings  when  I  come  but  near  the  house. 
"What  a  delicious  breath  marriage  sends  forth. 
The  violet  bed 's  not  sweeter.     Honest  wedlock 
Is  like  a  banqueting  house  built  in  a  garden, 
On  which  the  spring's  chaste  flowers  take  delight 
To  cast  their  modest  colors ;  when  base  lust, 
With  all  her  powders,  paintings,  and  best  pride, 
Is  but  a  fair  house  built  in  a  morass." 


SPEECH   OP   A   PUBLISHER.  105 

SPEECH  OF  A  PUBLISHER. 

At  a  convivial  party,  where  the  modern  devices  oi 
publishers  to  get  rid  of  their  wares  were  made  a  subject 
of  remark  by  some  merry  authors,  a  well-known  New 
York  publisher  said,  "  Gentlemen,  it  is  not  for  you  to 
blame  the  '  tricks/  as  you  call  them,  which  publishers 
sometimes  resort  to  in  order  to  sell  a  respectable  edi- 
tion of  their  books.  If  tricks  have  to  be  employed  to 
sell  books,  it  is  the  authors  and  not  the  publishers  who 
should  be  laughed  at.  It  is  our  business  to  make  the 
most  we  honestly  can  out  of  an  author's  brains  ;  and 
when  they  supply  us  with  a  respectable  amount  of  that 
commodity,  no  tricks  are  necessary  to  prevent  losses. 
Good  books  are  always  sure  to  find  a  large  sale  in  this 
country  ;  and  there  is  no  part  of  the  world  where  the 
publishing  business  is  carried  on  with  less  dependence 
upon  what  are  called  '  tricks  of  the  trade/  than  in 
America.  There  is  a  great  deal  of  cant,  not  to  say  ig- 
norance, in  the  talk  about '  modern  devices  of  book- 
sellers/ Why,  even  in  England,  which  has  always 
been  the  teacher  of  the  arts  of  humbug  to  other  nations, 
the  trade  has  discovered  very  little  that  is  new  in  the 
science  of  pushing  the  business  for  the  last  hundred 
years.  As  long  ago  as  "Walpole's  time,  that  great  man 
remarked,  that  *  The  manoeuvres  of  booksellers  are 
now  equal  to  the  stratagems  of  war.  Publishers  open 
and  shut  the  sluices  of  reputation,  as  their  various  in- 
terests lead  them  ;  and  it  is  become  more  and  more  dif- 
ficult to  judge  of  the  merit  of  recent  publications/ 
Does  not  this  sound  very  much  like  our  modern  grum- 
5* 


106  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 

biers,  gentlemen  ?  When  Simon  Colinet,  a  publisher,  in 
Paris,  first  printed  the  Colloquies  of  Erasmus,  he  threw 
off  an  edition  of  eighty  thousand  to  begin  with,  and 
circulated  a  report  that  the  Colloquies  had  been  inter- 
dicted, which  caused  such  a  demand  for  the  work  that 
the  whole  immense  edition  was  soon  exhausted.  Talk 
of  the  modern  devices  of  booksellers  ! — no,  gentlemen, 
instead  of  these  characteristic  complaints,  you  and  the 
public  ought  to  be  profoundly  grateful  to  the  publish- 
ers for  the  employment  which  they  give  to  talent,  learn- 
ing, and  genius.  But  for  us  what  would  become  of 
men  of  talent  ?  There  is  no  opening  for  them  in  poli- 
tic?, for  the  political  field  is  already  crowded  with  pu- 
gilists, thieves,  gamblers,  and  adventurers,  of  all  con- 
ceivable stripes,  and  let  a  man  of  real  ability  dare  to 
appear,  even  on  the  outskirts  of  the  political  arena, 
and  the  whole  band  of  infuriated  ignoramuses  will 
make  common  cause  against  him.  At  a  time  when 
men  of  ability  are  not  wanted  for  official  stations, 
there  is  nothing  left  for  them  but  to  write  books,  espe- 
cially since  what  are  called  '  the  learned  professions7 
are  also  crowded  with  m/learncd  practitioners,  who 
can  afford  to  do  the  business  at  such  prices  as  drive 
out  men  of  genius  and  talent.  Sucli  men  must  write 
books  ;  but  what  could  the  writer  of  books  do  without 
the  publishers?  It  is  the  publisher,  gentlemen,  that 
keeps  the  intellect  of  the  world  moving.  He  diffuses 
the  principles  of  civilization  and  science  throughout 
the  world,  and  enables  the  unlearned  masses  to  instruct 
themselves  with  the  wisdom  of  the  wise  and  the  virtues 
of  the  good.  And  there  can  never  be  any  termination 


SPEECH   OF   AN   EDITOR.  107 

of  the  publisher's  toils,  for  when  he  ceases  his  labors, 
Solomon  will  be  convicted  of  an  untruth,  for  he  has 
said  that  '  in  making  many  books  there  is  no  end.' 
This  passage  of  Scripture  also  furnishes  presumptive 
evidence  that  the  book-trade  was  considerable  of  a 
business,  as  long  ago  as  the  days  of  King  Solomon. 
It  is  an  ancient  and  most  respectable  business,  gentle- 
men, which  not  only  gives  the  highest  cash  value  to  in- 
tellect, but  it  is  the  sole  banker  of  genius,  the  founder 
and  supporter  of  the  mental  currency  of  the  world." 


SPEECH  OF  AN  EDITOE. 

An  editor,  who  responded  to  this  toast — "  The  editor, 
the  deft-nder  of  the  rights  of  the  people,  and  the  right  hand 
of  great  men  " — said  :  "  Your  toast  stops  short  of  the 
mark,  gentlemen,  for  the  editor  is  often  a  good  deal  more 
than  the  right  hand  of  the  great  man, — he  is  his  brains, 
too.  Many  a  great  man,  who  shines  high  in  the  fir- 
mament of  political  fame,  was  made  by  the  editor.  I 
have,  in  the  course  of  my  political  life,  made  a  good 
many  great  men,  and  oftentimes,  I  am  sorry  to  say,  I 
had  only  the  meanest  of  stuff  to  make  them  of ;  and 
sometimes,  when  I  had  blown  them  up  into  fame,  it 
took  ad  the  wind  I  could  raise  to  keep  them  from 
collapsing  and  falling  back  into  nothing.  But,  let  me 
tell  you,  gentlemen,  that  this  business  of  making  great 
men  is,  generally,  a  thankless  and  an  unprofitable  one. 
It  don't  pay.  Though  the  press  is  the  mighty  power 


108  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 

that  keeps  the  political  forces  of  the  country  in  mo- 
tion— though  it  controls  the  fate  of  parties  and  of  in- 
dividuals, yet  how  seldom  do  we  see  the  men  who 
wield  this  power  profiting  by  their  own  labors  !  Not 
many  years  ago  there  was  an  editor,  of  character  and 
ability,  who  was  a  candidate  for  the  office  of  a  United 
States  Marshal ;  but  it  was  refused  him,  and  given  to 
an  impudent  ignoramus,  a  companion  of  thieves,  and 
a  pugilist.  Many  of  the  ablest  men  of  our  country 
have  filled  editorial  chairs,  to  the  great  credit  of  them- 
selves and  their  country,  but  in  no  instance  have  they 
been  honored  with  a  seat  in  the  senate,  or  with  a  first- 
class  mission  abroad.  Not  long  ago,  in  a  debate  in 
the  House  of  Commons,  Mr.  Horseman  addressed  the 
following  language  to  Mr.  Walter,  one  of  the  proprie- 
tors of  the  London  Times  :  "  You  combine  in  your 
own  person  the  two  most  powerful  attributes  which  an 
Englishman  can  possess,  as  a  talented  member  of  the 
legislative  body,  and  the  supreme  head  of  the  press 
which  governs  the  world."  The  press  of  England  has 
been  honorably  recognized  by  the  Government  of 
Great  Britain,  in  appointing  to  the  place  of  one  of 
the  Cabinet  ministers,  Mr.  Wilson,  the  editor  of  the 
Examiner,  a  weekly  paper  of  London.  But  the  poli- 
ticians of  our  country  seem  to  be  capable  of  appreci- 
ating the  press  only  as  a  machine  for  elevating  them- 
selves into  power  and  place.  The  gentlemen  who  are 
at  the  head  of  the  political  press  of  America  are  com- 
pelled to  dance  attendance  upon  a  band  of  ignora- 
muses whom  no  gentleman  Would  willingly  invite  into 
his  parlor,  nor  even  suffer  to  come  within  reaching 


SPEECH   OF   A   LITERARY    GENTLEMAN.  109 

distance  of  his  lien-roost,  if  party  considerations  did 
not  force  liiin  to  it.  And  this  state  of  things  lias 
operated  most  injuriously  upon  the  political  press  of 
the  country,  by  keeping,  in  many  instances,  gentlemen 
of  striking  abilities  out  of  editorial  chairs.  But  as  it 
is.  a  considerable  share  of  the  intellect  and  respecta- 
bility of  politics  must  be  sought  for  among  the  editors 
of  the  various  partisan  newspapers  ;  although  it  must 
be  confessed,  that  very  many  of  our  members  of  Con- 
gress are  men  of  striking  abilities,  however  much  they 
may  be  wanting  in  intellectual  respectability. 


SPEECH  OF  A  LITERARY  GENTLEMAN. 

A  literary  gentleman,  of  known  ability,  was  called 
up  to  respond  to  a  toast  complimentary  to  his  profes- 
sion, and  he  remarked,  that  it  .must  be  confessed  that 
the  literary  profession  has  become  a  sort  of  hospital 
for  infirm  humanity, — broken-down  lawyers,  doctors, 
ministers,  financiers,  and  ladies  whose  husbands  have 
left  them,  or  who  never  came  to  claim  them,  fre- 
quently flocking  into  it,  as  the  last  resort  for  bread 
and  clothes.  But  it  must  be  confessed  that  sometimes 
valuable  acquisitions  have  been  made  to  the  profession 
in  this  way.  Hunger  has  in  some  instances  proved  a 
iniu'hty  detecter  of  genius.  And,  on  the  other  hand, 
riches  have  often  rcbbed  the  world  of  the  brightest 
radiance  of  intellectual  gifts.  Anacreon  once  re- 
ceived five  hundred  talents  as  a  gift  from  Policertes, 


110  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 

but  he  became  so  restless  with  thoughts  of  what  to  do 
with  it,  that,  after  having  kept  it  only  eight  days,  lie 
carried  it  back  to  the  king,  telling  him  that  he  had 
discovered  that  money  was  not  worth  the  pains  it 
costs  the  person  who  possesses  it.  The  importance  of 
the  literary  profession  in  our  country  is  to  be  chiefly 
reckoned  by  its  cash  value.  As  a  stepping-stone  to 
political  preferment,  it  is  not  to  be  thought  of.  In- 
deed, in  that  light,  it  is  in  a  man's  way.  It  is  un- 
loubtedly  true  that  an  idea  prevails,  that  men  of 
thought  are  not  men  of  action — that  the  thinker  must 
necessarily  be  deficient  in  practicability,  and  so,  to  be 
consistent,  I  suppose  they  infer  that  the  less  ideas  a 
man  has  the  better  he  is  fitted  to  be  a  politician. 
But,  fortunately,  history  sufficiently  refutes  this  folly. 
Solon,  one  of  the  greatest  legislators  of  antiquity, 
was  also  a  great  poet,  and  Socrates  was  a  soldier,  as 
well  as  a  philosopher.  Xenophon  and  Sophocles  were 
as  great  as  soldiers,  as  they  were  as  men  of  letters. 
Alfred  the  Great,  and  Richard  the  Lion-Hear  ted,  were 
as  able  in  the  field  of  letters,  as  in  war  and  diplomacy. 
Both  Dante  and  Machievelli  were  masters  in  politics 
as  well  as  literature.  The  idea  that  literature  and 
statesmanship  do  not  often  go  together,  had  its  origin 
in  England  in  the  days  of  darkness  and  ignorance  in 
high  places,  when  Dukes  and  Marquises  could  sign  no 
other  name  than  a  mark  or  TI  cross  to  the  most  impor- 
tant documents.  The  elder  Douglas  thanked  his  God 
that  no  son  of  his,  except  the  bishop,  Gawaine,  could 
write  a  line.  But  the  most  illustrious  statesmen  of 
England  at  the  present  day  are  men  of  letters,  as,  for 


SPEECH   OP   A    CAPITALIST.  Ill 

instance,  Lord  John  Russell,  Brougham,  and  Glad- 
stone. In  France,  in  all  ages,  the  greatest  statesmen 
have  also  been  men  of  letters,  and  the  language  at- 
tributed to  Cardinal  Richelieu,  that  "The  pen  is 
mightier  than  the  sword/7  has  found  abundant  illus- 
tration in  the  most  brilliant  periods  of  French  his- 
tory. The  present  emperor  of  France  is  an  author, 
also.  But,  in  America,  it  can  hardly  be  said  that  men 
of  letters  have  been  recognized  in  the  political  arena. 
It  is  true  that  Irving  and  Bancroft  once  had  a  few 
crumbs  thrown  to  them,  and  Hawthorne  was  sent 
abroad  with  a  consulship  as  a  reward  for  writing  the 
only  worthless  romance  which  ever  came  from  his 
pen, — the  life  of  a  president  of  the  United  States.  It 
has  become  a  common  remark,  that  no  really  great 
man  can  be  again  elected  to  the  presidency  of  these 
United  States  ;  and  if  men  of  literary  ability  believe 
in  "  the  divinity  of  the  maxims  of  the  people,"  they 
will  probably  never  seek  for  political  distinction  in 
our  country,  as  long  as  "  the  governing  classes  "  enter- 
tain the  idea  that  learning  and  intelligence  are  not 
necessary  qualifications  for  the  politician  and  the 
statesman. 


SPEECH   OF  A  CAPITALIST. 

At  a  party  of  so-called  "  Reformers/7  the  following 
toast  was  offered :  "  May  the  tyranny  of  capital,  and 
every  other  tyranny  soon  find  a  grave  in  America" 


112  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKEH. 

and  a  gentleman  of  wealth,  who  happened  to  be  pres- 
ent, responded  as  follows  :  "  In  endeavoring  to  aid  the 
cause  of  progress,  its  friends  often  throw  the  greatest 
obstacles  in  its  way,  by  assuming  extreme  and  unten- 
able ground.  For  instance,  what  mischievous  doc- 
trines have  been  promulgated  on  this  subject,  as  though 
there  were  a  necessary  antagonism  between  capital  and 
labor  !  A  class  of  restless  and  poorly-balanced  minds 
have  been  made  bitter  and  unhappy  by  being  made  to 
believe  that  there  is  really  and  necessarily  some  great 
wrong  to  labor  in  the  possession  of  capital,  whereas, 
precisely  the  reverse  is  the  truth.  Capital  is  labor's 
best  friend,  without  which,  indeed,  labor  itself  is  com- 
paratively without  value. 

"  What  is  '  capital J  ?  There  is  no  magic  about  it. 
It  is  nothing  but  hoarded  labor.  It  is  the  result  of  all 
preceding  labor,  of  which  the  individual,  whether 
honestly  or  not,  has  come  into  possession.  It  repre- 
sents past  labor  ;  and  by  that  fact  it  becomes  the 
remuneration  of  present  toil.  All  money  is  but  a  con- 
ventionalism to  indicate  to  us  that  so  much  toil  has, 
by  somebody  or  other,  been  already  expended  ;  and 
the  party  possessing  money  is  recognized  by  society 
as  having  a  property  in  the  fruits  of  the  labor  which 
was  so  expended.  Accordingly,  from  the  very  earliest 
times,  the  need  of  such  a  medium  as  money  has  been 
felt.  The  precious  metals  have  no  particular  intrinsic 
worth,  yet  have,  on  various  accounts,  the  recommend- 
ation of  commerce  for  this  purpose.  As  to  intrinsic 
worth,  if  any  one  were  to  be  left,  like  Eobinson 
Crusoe,  on  a  desolate  island,  he  would  find  a  hatchet 


SPEECH   OF   A   CAPITALIST.         .  113 

or  iron  a  much  more  valuable  tool  than  one  of  gold  or 
silver.  But  the  proportion  in  which  these  metals  arc 
found,  and  a  variety  of  circumstances,  have,  from  an 
early  stage  of  the  history  of  mankind,  recommended 
them  for  this  purpose.  They  were  used— even  before 
governments  coined  them  for  money — by  weight,  as  a 
medium  of  exchange. 

"  Nor  is  this  the  only  form  of  capital.  It  exists 
also  in  the  facilities  for  labor,  formed  by  its  means,  or 
which  may  be  formed  directly  by  the  agency  of  labor 
itself — in  buildings  suitable  for  carrying  on  different 
operations — the  machinery  which  is  necessary  in  mul- 
tiplying the  power  of  those  who  toil,  or  in  cheapening 
the  commodity  they  produce. 

"  The  moment  that  labor  realizes  more  for  an  indi- 
vidual than  he  deems  needful  for  present  consumption 
— the  moment  he  begins  to  put  something  by,  and 
applies  that  to  the  production  of  other  results — from 
that  time  he  has  capital  in  the  world  •  and  he  would 
have  it,  though  there  were  but  one  man  upon  earth,  and 
he  himself  toiling  day  and  night.  Whatever  he  puts  by 
as  surplus  to  facilitate  future  operations — that,  strictly 
and  properly,  is  capital. 

"  The  Indian  who  is  disabled  for  the  chase,  but  who 
has  a  bow  and  arrows  which  he  lends  to  another,  in 
order  that  he  may  bring  him  home  a  portion  of  the 
game  he  kills,  is  a  capitalist.  The  farmer,  who  may 
have  no  cash  in  his  pocket,  but  who  has  a  loaf  and  a 
plow,  and  who  finds  a  man  willing  to  drive  that 
plow,  on  condition  that  he  may  eat  the  loaf,  is  a 
capital' st  in  the  labor  market,  and  the  plowman  is 


114  THE   MODEL  SPEECH-MAKER 

his  customer.  Skill  and  strength  are  capital — they 
are  the  result  of  years  of  exertion,  which  has  kept  the 
muscular  system  in  order.  Bones  and  brains  are  capi- 
tal, as  truly  as  miles  of  dock  and  warehouses,  fleets  of 
ships,  towering  factories,  or  piles  of  gold.  So  that, 
strictly  speaking,  there  is  no  person  in  the  world  but 
is,  or  may  be,  a  capitalist,  although  he  may  be  a  laborer 
at  the  same  time  ;  and  it  is  only  in  a  broad  way  that 
we  draw  the  line  of  distinction, — leaving  on  one  side 
of  it  the  great  mass  of  those  who  toil,  and  on  the 
other  side  of  it  those  who,  by  their  possession  of  suf- 
ficient means,  take  to  themselves,  or  have  bestowed 
upon  them,  in  a  popular  way  of  speaking,  the  title  of 
'  capitalists.'  The  relation  between  them  is  constituted 
by  the  payment  of  wages.  It  is  a  bargain  between 
the  one  and  the  other,  in  whatever  form  it  may  pass, 
whether  merely  for  food,  clothing,  and  shelter,  or  for 
the  largest  money-remuneration. 

"  We  see,  then,  that  this  thing  called  '  capital/  which 
the  '  progressive '  journals  of  the  day  would  have  us 
believe  is  such  a  very  wizard  and  devil,  is  nothing  but 
preserved  labor,  without  which  there  could  be  no  re- 
ward for  present  toil,  beyond  the  immediate  supply  of 
man's  physical  wants.  Like  all  other  great  blessings, 
it  is  liable  to  great  abuses  in  the  hands  of  bad  men  ; 
but  to  talk  of  destroying  it  on  that  account,  would  be 
like  proposing  to  cut  off  a  man's  legs  to  rid  him  of  a 
heavy  pair  of  boots.  To  talk  of  the  '  injustice  of  capi- 
tal '  because  it  is  capital,  is  folly.  To  talk  of  equaliz- 
ing it,  is  to  talk  of  an  impossibility.  Equalize  it  to- 
day and  it  will  be  unequal  again  to-morrow ;  from 


SPEECH   OF   A   BIBLIOGRAPHER.  115 

the  fact  that,  while  one  man  tops,  another  ma.n  spends. 
A  silver  dollar,  in  the  hand  of  one  man.  soon  becomes 
a  gold  eagle,  while  in  the  hand  of  another  it  becomes 
a  copper  cent.  We  see,  then,  how  little  sense  there  is 
in  the  philanthropy  which  is  called  *  taking  sides  with 
the  poor  man  against  the  rich.7  It  sounds  well,  as  all 
the  other  patent  projects  of  philanthropy  do  ;  but  if 
we  examine  it,  it  is  without  reason,  and  only  agitates 
mankind,  without  proposing  one  practical  remedy  for 
the  *  wrongs '  described. 

"  The  dependence  between  labor  and  capital  is  mu- 
tual, and  all  schemes  of  philanthropy  which  strive  to 
draw  antagonistic  lines  between  them,  wrong  the 
laboring  man,  while  they  misrepresent  the  necessary 
force  of  capital." 


SPEECH  OF  A  BIBLIOGRAPHER.    ' 

At  a  party  of  literary  gentlemen,  where  the  conver- 
sation turned  upon  the  subject  of  rare  books,  one  of 
the  number,  who  was  known  to  be  learned  in  this 
branch  of  knowledge,  was  called  upon  to  respond  to 
this  toast — "  The  wisdom  that  is  in  old  books — May  ice 
lever  cease  to  drink  at  its  fountains"  lie  began  by  re- 
narking,  that  their  toast  reminded  him  of  this  ancient 
rerse — 

"  Fro  out  the  olde  feldes,  as  men  s.iieth, 

Cometh  all  this  new  come,  fro  yere  to  yere; 
And  out  of  olde  books,  in  gode  faieth, 

Cometh  all  this  newe  science  that  men  lere." 


116  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 

Old-fashioned  as  tins  language  sounds,  it  is,  never- 
theless true,  to  an  extent  which  few  modern  readers 
are  prepared  to  admit.  For  instance,  Mr.  Ralph  Waldo 
Emerson  is  considered  one  of  the  most  original  of  all 
our  modern  thinkers  and  ivriters,  and  yet  the  student, 
who  is  familiar  with  the  works  of  that  old  Greek,  Epic- 
tetus,  and  with  old  Hieroclcs'  divine  book  upon  the 
golden  verses  of  the  Pythagoreans,  will  discover  the 
fountains  from  which  Mr.  Emerson  has  drawn  nearly 
all  the  beauty  and  freshness  of  his  philosophy.  In 
Epictetus,  especially,  he  will  find  the  very  novelty  of 
Mr.  Emerson's  style,  which  has  been  so  much  admired 
even  by  those  who  dissent  from  his  opinions.  I  speak 
not  this  with  a  view  to  Mr.  Emerson's  discredit — so 
far  from  it,  that  I  sincerely  wish  we  had  more  like  him, 
who  have  the  learning  and  patience  to  drink  from  these 
ancient  fountains  of  wisdom. 

It  is  a  happiness  to  believe  that  the  students  and 
lovers  of  ancient  and  rare  books  are  increasing  in 
numbers  every  year ;  indeed,  there  has  never  been  a 
time  when  rare  books  and  manuscripts  were  not  enthu- 
siastically sought  for  by  men  of  taste  and  leading. 
But  there  have  been  particular  periods  when  this  re- 
markable demand  for  old  books  amounted  almost  to  a 
mania.  Such  was  the  case  at  the  close  of  the  seven- 
teenth century,  when  a  desire  of  forming  vast  libraries 
of  ancient  books  and  rare  manuscripts  led  them  tc 
search,  not  only  the  whole  of  Europe,  but  the  East ; 
and  this  was  the  source  of  many  impostures  and  of 
some  ridiculous  mistakes.  Some  cheats,  or  ignorant 
persons,  sent  over  from  India  to  Paris  a  number  of 


SPEECH    OP   A   BIBLIOGRAPHER.  117 

Arabian  manuscripts,  in  excellent  condition,  and  writ- 
ten in  a  very  beautiful  character.  They  were  received 
with  profound  respect  by  the  literati,  and  were  sold  for 
immense  sums  to  the  enthusiastic  bibliomaniacs  ;  but  as 
soon  as  they  came  to  the  eyes  of  scholars  who  were 
acquainted  witli  the  language,  it  was  discovered  that 
these  rare  volumes  were  nothing  more  than  common 
registers  and  account  books  of  Arabian  merchants ! 
There  is  no  describing  the  chagrin  of  the  literati,  and 
the  disappointment  of  the  purchasers  of  these  Arabian 
wonders.  But  the  ever-inventive  mind  of  the  hungry 
authors  of  England  caught  the  happy  idea  of  forging 
translations  from  Persian  and  Arabian  manuscripts, 
and  several  spurious  books  of  this  description  were 
successfully  palmed  off  upon  the  public.  To  such  an 
extent  did  these  impostures  prevail,  that  when  Sir  Wil- 
liam Jones  published  his  translations  from  the  Asiatic 
languages,  he  was  obliged  to  take  especial  pains  to 
prove  that  his  book  was  not  also  a  cheat. 

Owing,  partly,  to  the  astonishing  demand  for  old 
books  in  the  United  States,  their  prices  have  gone  up 
in  London  nearly  one-third  in  five  years  ;  and  such  is 
the  present  demand  for  them  in  Great  Britain,  that  but 
few  more  really  scarce  works  will  reach  this  country, 
except  at  immensely  increased  prices.  Hardly  any 
gentleman  in  England  or  America  will  now  put  a  new 
edition  of  a  rare  work  in  his  library  if  an  old  one  can 
be  obtained.  For  instance,  Bohn  has  just  issued  a  fine 
edition  of  the  works  of  Rabelais,  which  sells  for  two 
dollars,  and  yet  the  old  edition,  with  the  plates,  brings 
readily  six  dollars  in  London.  Bohn  has  also  pub- 


118  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 

lished  a  fine  edition  of  Holbein's  Dance  of  Death,  at 
two  dollars,  but  still  the  old  edition  sells  quick  at  from 
six  to  ten  dollars.  A  handsome  modern  edition  of 
Milton's  Paradise  Lost  can  be  bought  for  a  dollar,  but 
almost  any  of  the  editions  published  previous  to  1790. 
are  worth  five  dollars,  and  the  first  edition,  of  1669, 
will  bring  from  fifteen  to  thirty  dollars.  A  fine  new 
edition  of  Pope's  Translation  of  Homer  can  be  had  for 
two  dollars,  but  the  first  edition  is  worth  from  twelve 
to  twenty  dollars. 

Col.  Stanley's  celebrated  library  of  rare  books,  num- 
bering only  1,136  volumes,  which  was  sold  at  auction 
in  London,  in  1813,  brought  the  immense  sum  of  forty- 
one  thousand  two  hundred  and  thirty-two  dollars. 

THE  EDWARDS  COLLECTION,  which  numbered  only 
830  books,  brought,  in  1815,  forty-two  thousand,  tico 
hundred  and  seventy  dollars. 

And  the  famous  ALCHORNE  COLLECTION,  of  only  187 
volumes,  was  sold  in  1813  for  eight  thousand  eight 
hundred  and  fifty-five  dollars. 

But  I  have  known  some  curious  instances  of  ignor^ 
ance  among  the  dealers  in  old  books  in  this  city.  In 
1852,  I  bought  at  a  second-hand  bookstore,  in  New 
York,  a  fine  copy  of  Braithwaite's  English  Gentleman, 
published  in  1630,  for  seventy-five  cents.  A  copy  of 
the  same  work  is  marked  in  the  Bibliotheca  Stanleiana 
at  £4  4s.  ($21.)  Probably  the  learned  dealer  in  rare 
books  in  Gotham  gave  some  hungry  man  or  woman 
about  six  cents  for  this  scarce  and  curious  book. 

I  knew  a  gentleman  who  bought,  at  a  second-hand 
oookstore  in  Philadelphia,  some  ten  years  ago,  a  copy 


SPEECH   OP   A   BIBLIOGRAPHER,  119 

of  the  GOLDEN  LEGEND,  published  by  "Wyllyam  C ax- 
ton,  in  1473,  for  the  pittance  of  ten  dollars.  "A  copy 
of  this  scarce  work  was  sold  from  the  Alchorne  collec- 
tion for  £82  195.  ($416.)  Without  any  unkindness  to 
Mr.  Longfellgw,  we  may  say  that  he  is  not  a  little  in- 
debted to  this  book  for  the  idea  of  his  work  of  the 
same  title. 

One  of  the  rarest  of  old  books  is  "  Sir  John  Frois- 
sart's  Crony cles  of  Englande,  Fraunce,  and  Spayne, 
translated  by  Syr  Johan  Bourchicr,  Lord  Bcrners," 
from  the  press  of  Pynson,  in  1525.  At  the  Stanley 
sale  this  extremely  rare  book  brought  £39  17s. 
($198  75.)  A  well-known  literary  gentleman,  resid- 
ing in  one  of  the  northern  counties  of  the  State  of 
New  York,  had  a  copy  of  this  scarce  and  curious  work 
in  a  rare  collection  of  old  books,  which  he  had  been 
twenty  years  in  collecting  ;  but  in  a  moment  of  mis- 
fortune, to  protect  his  invaluable  library  from  the 
grasp  of  rapacious  creditors,  he  mortgaged  his  whole' 
collection  to  a  friend,  who,  having  himself  become 
embarrassed,  soon  conceived  the  idea  o,f  saving  him- 
self by  disposing  of  said  library.  But  when  he  broke 
open  the  boxes,  instead  of  what  he  expected  to  find, 
viz.,  massive  books  glittering  in  their  new  gilt  bind- 
ings, he  was  horrified  at  the  sight  of  a  lot  of  ragged, 
musty  old  books,  which  looked  as  though  they  had 
been  thrown  out  with  the  rubbish  from  Noah's  ark. 
He  hesitated,. doubted,  looked  thunderstruck  ;  but  not 
quite  daring  to  trust  his  own  judgment,  he  called  in 
the  bookseller  of  the  villnge,  a  wise  and  consequential 
dealer  in  spelling-books  and  flash  novels,  who  saga- 


120  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 

ciously  pronounced  the  whole  collection  "  ivortJi  not 
over  fifteen  dollars"  So  here  was  one  of  the  most 
curious  private  libraries  in  America,  which  had  cost 
the  collector  not  less  than  $2,000,  knocked  down,  by 
the  ignorance  of  a  stupid  bookseller,  to  the  ridiculous 
figure  of  fifteen  dollars.  Although  there  were  many 
books  which  were  worth  their  full  weight  in  silver, 
yet  to  these  ignoramuses  they  did  not  appear  worth 
boxing  up  again,  and  they  were  left  open,  exposed  to 
the  Goths  and  Vandals  of  a  country  village,  where  the 
contents  of  a  rum-shop  or  a  lager-bier  cellar  stood  a 
much  better  chance  of  being  understood  and  appre- 
ciated, than  a  library  of  rare  books  of  the  15th  and 
16th  centuries.  And  lo  !  when  the  literary  gentleman 
came  back  for  his  precious  tomes,  they  had  vanished, 
nobody  knew  where,  and  had  been  used  for — nobody 
could  tell  what !  Thus  was  destroyed  one  of  the 
most  valuable  private  collections  of  curious  old  books 
in  America. 

But,  notwithstanding  such  unfortunate  cases  as  these, 
there  is  no  doubt  that  there  is,  in  our  country,  an  in- 
creasing love  of  rare  old  books,  and  with  this  growing 
taste  will  come,  at  last,  a  genuine  improvement  in  our 
own  literature. 


SPEECH  ON  ENGLISH   BENEVOLENCE  IN  THE  U.  S. 

At  a  dinner-party,  where  the  speaking  turned  upon 
tlift  benevolence  of  the  English  in  sending  funds  for 


SPEECH    ON   ENGLISH   BENEVOLENCE.  121 

the  aid  of  those  who  are  poor  and  oppressed  in  our 
country,  a  gentlemen  responded  by  saying  that,  under 
the  circumstances,  it  was  impossible  for  him  to  regard 
all  such  "  benevolence '  in  any  other  light  than  a  piece 
of  ostentatious  impertinence.  He  very  well  remembered 
that  a  portion  of  the  American  press  was,  a  few  years 
ago,  vehement  in  its  praise  of  the  benevolence  of  Lady 
Byron  for  having  sent  a  few  pounds  of  ready  cash  to 
the  people  of  Kansas.  No  doubt  the  cash  was  wel- 
come enough  there.  The  population  of  Kansas  was 
at  that  time  far  from  being  a  class  of  people  that  could 
well  take  care  of  themselves.  A  large  portion  of  them 
did  not  go  there,  like  legitimate  emigrants,  to  earn  an 
honest  living  by  the  sweat  of  their  brows,  but  they 
were  sent  there  to  vote  and  to  make  laws.  They  did 
not  go  there  to  use  the  spade  and  the  plow,  but  they 
were  sent  there  to  fight  with  Northern  Sharpens  rifles 
and  Southern  bowie-knives.  Bread  and  clothes  must, 
in  a  short  time,  get  to  be  very  scarce  with  such  a  pop- 
ulation. They  were,  for  the  most  part,  but  little  bet- 
ter than  a  secondary  class  of  paupers  at  home,  before 
they  were  induced  to  try  their  hands  in  Kansas  at  tho 
voting  and  fighting  business.  Ready  cash  was,  there- 
fore, a  great  thing  in  Kansas,  and  we,  too,  sincerely 
rejoiced  that  an  English  lady  found  it  convenient  to 
help  them  to  it.  All  we  wished  was,  to  have  the  gift 
called  by  the  right  name,  and  not  to  have  it  called  ex- 
actly benevolence,  for  it  comes  much  nearer  to  fanati- 
cism and  impudence.  If  the  English  ladies  have  cash 
to  spare,  there  are  the  poor  workers  of  their  own 
country,  crushed  down,  in  dumb  agony,  at  their  own 
6 


122  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 

doors,  perishing  of  cold  and  liuDger,  and  drinking  per- 
petually of  a  cup  of  want  that  no  slave  in  America 
ever  yet  tasted.  In  the  sanitary  reports  of  the  mining 
districts  of  England,  we  are  made  acquainted  with  a 
depth  of  misery  which  never  before  attracted  the  eye 
of  civilized  man.  There  he  may  see  in  rooms,  fifteen 
feet  square,  two  rows  of  beds,  with  no  opening  for  air, 
where  as  many  as  fifty  men  sleep  in  sixteen  bed?, 
where  there  is  not  a  flag  or  board  on  the  floor,  which 
is  covered  with  small  puddles  of  filthy  water.  Mr. 
Wood  testifies,  that  in  Lancashire  he  found  forty 
people  sleeping  in  the  same  room,  where  all  decency 
and  delicacy  were  lost  in  overwhelming  squalor.  He 
says  the  condition  of  the  monkey-house  in  the  Zoolog- 
ical Gardens  is  preferable  to  that  of  the  laboring  pop- 
ulation. In  Devonshire,  his  report  tells  us  that  fami- 
lies of  six  or  eight  sleep  in  one  bed — father,  mother, 
grown-up  sons,  and  daughters.  "  I  have  found,  he  says, 
"  that  if  a  number  of  empty  casks  be  placed  along  the 
street  in  Whitechapel,  soon  each  will  have  its  tenant." 

A  work,  entitled  "  London  Labor  and  London  Poor," 
which  has  been  republished  in  this  country,  gives  us  an 
amount  of  shocking  detail  of  the  condition  of  the  poor 
workers  of  England,  which  the  history  of  no  other 
country  has  ever  recorded. 

"  I  attended  the  Garden  "  (Covent),  said  one  pooi 
man,  "  for  a  week,  and  lived  entirely  on  the  offal  of 
the  market."  "  I  walked  about,"  said  another,  "  two 
days  and  nights,  without  a  bit  to  eat,  except  what  I 
picked  up  in  the  gutter,  and  ate  like  a  dog — orange- 
peel,  old  cabbage-stumps,  anything  I  could  get." 


SPEECH   ON   GREAT   NAMES.  123 

"  Oh,  sir !"  said  a  mother,  "  it  is  hard  to  work  from 
morning-  until  night — little  ones  and  all — and  not  be 
able  to  live  by  it  cither." 

Yes,  it  is  indeed  very  hard  to  sec  so  many  English 
mothers  starving  to  death,  while  the  English  ladies 
have  plenty  of  cash  to  send  out  here  to  our  robust, 
stalwart,  fighting  vagabonds  of  Kansas. 

An  English  (Leeds)  paper  stated,  that  at  an  inquest 
it  was  asserted,  and  not  denied  by  the  surgeon,  that 
three  hundred  children  in  Leeds  alone  were  put  to 
death  yearly,  to  avoid  the  misery  of  their  living,  and 
the  murderers  were  never  discovered.  Well  enough 
may  Carlyle  thunder  out  at  the  Exeter  Hall  philan- 
thropists, that  "  they  would  save  the  Sarawah  cut- 
throats, with  their  poisoned  spears,  but  ignore  the 
thirty  thousand  needle-women,  the  three  million  pau- 
pers, and  the  Connaught  potential  cannibalism." 

We  in  America  may  have  many  sins  to  atone  for  ; 
but  the  English  man  or  the  English  lady  who  sends 
his  or  her  money  here,  as  a  charity  to  our  oppressed, 
is  a  good  deal  foolish  and  not  a  little  impudent,  while 
the  American  that  would  ask  alms  of  England  for  our 
poor  or  oppressed,  forfeits  his  claims  to  respect  while 
living,  and  to  an  honored  grave  when  he  is  dead. 


SPEECH  ON  GREAT  NAMES. 

A  worshipper   of  antiquity  proposed   this   toast : 
The  great  names  of  antiquity — May  they  be  ever  before 


124  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 

•MS,  to  inspire  us  ivitli  a  love  of  great  deeds  :"  and  as  lie 
was  no  speech-maker  himself,  he  called  upon  a  wag- 
gish friend  to  speak  upon  it.  "  This  toast  is  already 
realized,"  said  he,  humorously,  "  for  the  great  names 
of  antiquity  are  always  before  us.  For  instance,  Cato 
keeps  a  sausage-stand  in  Washington  market ;  Cassar 
is  a  barber  in  the  Bowery  ;  Brutus  is  a  pork-butcher's 
watch-dog  in  Christopher  street ;  George  Law  has  got 
Pompey  in  a  stable  on  Fifth  avenue  ;  Nero  is  a  parrot, 
which  curses  and  swears  in  the  back  yard  of  a  hotel  in 
Brooklyn  ;  Plato  is  a  lap-dog,  which  is  kissed  and 
caressed  day  and  night  by  a  beautiful  lady  at  the  St. 
Nicholas  hotel ;  Antony  drives  a  fish-wagon  in  the 
nineteenth  ward ;  the  great  Gustavus  Adolphus  is  a 
sheriff  in  Buffalo  ;  Alexander  is  a  cook  in  Philadel- 
phia ;  Cicero  is  a  negro-waiter  at  Barnum's,  in  Balti- 
more ;  Horace  edits  a  newspaper  in  New  York  ;  Han- 
nibal is  a  candidate  for  the  Vice-Presidency  of  the 
United  States  ;  Abraham,  still  abounding  in  faith,  is 
running  a  race  for  a  mansion  in  Washington,  and  John 
is  travelling  in  the  wilderness,  hunting  for  the  same 
place,  while  Stephen  the  Martyr  yet  lives  in  an  un- 
godly place  culled  Washington,  which  is  adjacent  to 
the  United  States.  But,  gentlemen,  enough  of  this.  T. 
confess  that  I  have  a  profound  appreciation  of  the 
sentiment  of  the  toast  which  has  been  offered  by  our 
learned  friend,  and  I  have  no  respect  whatever  f<  r 
that  narrow  prejudice,  which  is  based  in  ignorance 
alone,  that  considers  the  wisdom  of  past  ages  as  of  no 
importance  in  comparison  with  the  achievements  of 
the  present  time.  The  present  is  only  a  part  of  the 


SPEECH    OF   GREAT   NAMES.  125 

past.  All  that  our  generation  possesses  is  but  the  con- 
tinuation, or  natural  growth,  of  what  all  past  gener- 
ations achieved.  Had  Greece,  or  Rome,  or  the  middle 
ages,  been  other  than  what  they  were,  we  should  not 
be  what  we  are  to-day.  One  layer  of  time  has  Provi- 
dence piled  upon  another,  for  immemorial  ages,  and 
the  first  stratum  in  this  mighty  pile  of  generations  is  as 
important  to  the  integrity  of  the  whole  as  this  last 
boasting  present  upon  which  we  stand.  We  simply 
attest  our  own  folly  when  we  think  the  past  gener- 
ations of  men  were  fools.  Who  hewed  out  the  ternplo 
in  the  caverns  of  Elephanta  ?  Who  built  the  great  wall 
of  China  ?  Who  carved  the  great  eagle  in  the  Corin- 
thian palace  at  Baalbcc  ?  Who  lifted  the  masses  of 
Stonehengc  ?  Who  reared  the  tower  of  Shinar's  plain  ? 
Who  built  the  pyramids  of  Egypt  ?  Not  fools,  gentle- 
men ! 

Who  wrote  the  Morals  of  Confucius,  the  Oracles  of 
Zoroaster,  the  Fragments  of  Manctho,  the  Similitudes 
of  Dcmophilis,  the  Laws  of  Solon  and  Lycurgus,  and 
the  Voyages  of  Hanno  ?  Not  fools,  gentlemen  ! 

Who  were  Pythagoras,  Homer,  Plato,  Seneca,  Aris- 
totle, and  Socrates  ?  And  who  were  Hessiod,  E.schylus. 
Sophocles,  Aristophanes,  Isocratcs,  Lucian,  Longinus 
Euclid,  Xenophon,  Strabo,  Plutarch,  Herodotus,  De 
mosthenes,  and  an  innumerable  company  like  them ' 
Not  fools,  gentlemen!  Ah,  no;  and  how  small  an 
the  greatest  of  us  when  measured  by  them  !  And  what 
pigmies  should  we  be  without  the  wisdom  which  thev 
imparted  to  the  generations  that  succeeded  them ! 
After  all  our  swelling  pride,  these  lines  of  the  poet  are 


126  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 

an  inventory  of  the  greatest  things  of  which  we  can 
boast : 

"  I  am  owner  of  the  sphere, 
The  seven  stars,  and  solar  year, 
Of  Cresar's  hand,  and  Plato's  brain, 
Of  Lord  Christ's  heart,  and  Shakespeare's  strain." 


SPEECH  ON  THE  POWER  OF  THE  UNITED  STATES 
TO  LEGALLY  ACQUIRE  MEXICO  AND  CENTRAL 
AMERICA. 

At  a  dinner-party  of  statesmen  and  diplomatic  gen- 
tlemen, the  subject  of  the  rival  interests  of  England 
and  America,  in  the  Central  American,  Mexican,  and 
Cuban  questions,  became  the  subject  of  discussion.  A 
distinguished  English  gentleman  argued  that  America 
could  never  extend  her  boundaries  in  that  direction 
without  a  breach  of  international  law,  which  Eng- 
land would  feel  itself  forced  to  interfere  to  pre- 
vent. 

An  American  gentleman  replied,  that  he  was  aware 
the  American  and  English  press  had  long  appeared 
to  be  laboring  with  mutual  anxiety  in  relation  to  the 
final  settlement  of  this  question  ;  and  there  can  be  no 
doubt  that  a  feeling  of  painful  alarm  has  rested  upon 
the  minds  of  the  more  conservative  people  of  both 
countries.  And  yet  I  confess  myself  unable  to  see  any 
probable,  or  even  possible,  ground  of  collision  between 
the  two  governments  on  this  question.  No  doubt  Eng- 


SPEECH   OX   THE   UNITED   STATES.  127 

land  would  hate  to  see  the  States  of  Central  America, 
.and  Mexico,  and  Cuba,  absorbed  by  the  United  States, 
and  it  is  a  very  great  doubt  if  it  would  be  for  the 
health  and  happiness  of  our  country  to  do  it  j  but 
that  we  can  do  it  without  violating  any  law,  or  taking 
any  step  that  England  can  rightfully  object  to,  is  very 
evident  to  my  mind.  Indeed,  if  our  government  pleases 
to  be  so  unwisely  ambitious  as  to  treat  every  State  on 
this  continent  as  the  boa  constrictor  treats  its  victims 
— slobber  them  all  over,  and  then  swallow  them — Eng- 
land cannot,  and  dare  not,  seriously  interfere  to  pre- 
vent us.  Reasons  as  potent  as  those  which  made  her 
finally  hold  her  peace  when  we  acquired  Texas  and 
California,  would  apply  to  every  inch  of  territory  on 
this  continent,  if  we  chose  to  make  them.  For  it  is 
not  only  the  settled  practice  of  the  United  States,  but 
it  is  tlio  rule  of  the  English  government  itself,  to  ac- 
knowledge the  de  facto  government  of  any  country  as 
its  rightful  government,  without  the  least  regard  to  its 
origin — without  pausing  to  ask  whether  it  is  the  child 
of  long  descent,  or  the  offspring  of  recent  revolution. 
England  dare  not  quarrel  with  us  for  observing  that 
rule ;  and,  under  it,  we  can  safely  acquire  whatever 
territory  may  be  an  object  of  desire  to  us.  We  are 
speaking  now,  not  of  what  would  be  wise  for  us  to  do, 
but  of  what  we  legally  have  the  power  to  do. 

A  spirit  of  enterprise  and  adventure  is  the  ruling 
characteristic  of  the  American  people,  and  it  is  not  in 
the  power  of  our  government,  if  it  were  its  wish,  to 
prevent  them  from  seeking  their  fortunes  in  whatever 
new  fields  may  tempt  their  ambition.  They  may  peace- 


128  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKEK. 

ably  emigrate  to  any  spot  they  please  ;  may  buy  lands, 
or  squat  on  unoccupied  land  ;  may  multiply  and  at- 
tract others  until  they  become  an  element  of  their  own, 
and  then  quickly  acquire  a  power  that  is  necessarily  in 
active  conflict  with  the  lower  civilization  of  the  country 
of  their  adoption,  and  which  in  time  must  result  in  revo- 
lution, and  that  is  followed  by  independence,  or  the 
establishment  of  a  new  government — all  of  which  nei- 
ther America  nor  England  can  prevent.  It  may  be 
sneered  at  as  "  manifest  destiny/'  but  it  is  manifest  des- 
tiny, nevertheless.  America  has  nothing  to  do  but  to 
acknowledge  the  de  facto  government,  whatever  its 
origin,  and  where  and  how  could  England  interfere  ? 
The  principle  is  one  which  England  is  not  entitled  to 
dispute.  It  is  one  which  she  has  adopted  and  acted  upon 
herself.  And  it  is,  moreover,  a  principle  of  unques- 
tionable soundness  and  justice.  Our  alliances  ar£  with 
nations,  not  with  dynasties.  "Whatever  form  of  gov- 
ernment a  people  choose,  or  acknowledge,  that  govern- 
ment is  recognized  as  soon  as  it  is  bond  fide  established, 
even  though  it  had  its  origin  in  revolution  or  usurpa- 
tion. Thus  England  did  not  hesitate  to  recognize  the 
South  American  Republics,  when  they  threw  off  the 
dominion  of  the  Spanish  Crown.  Thus,  too,  she  recog- 
nized Louis  Phillippe,  as  king  of  France,  when  the 
revolution  of  July  placed  him  on  his  cousin *s  throne. 
So  it  also  recognized  that  brief  and  abortive  French 
Republic,  which  had  Lamartine  for  its  President :  and 
soon  afterwards  acknowledged  Louis  Napoleon  as 
Emperor,  because  he  was  so  de  facto,  notwithstanding 
large  numbers  of  his  own  countrymen,  and  the  civil- 


SPEECH   OF   AN   AUTHOR. 

izcd  world,  persisted  in  regarding  him  as  a  military 
tyrant  and  usurper. 

As  a  matter  of  international  law,  whoever  becomes 
the  governors  of  the  Central  American  States,  or  of 
Mexico,  or  of  any  other  States  of  this  continent,  the 
United  States  may  recognize  them,  and  thereby  aid 
them  to  become  permanently  established,  or  allow  them 
to  annex  themselves  to  us,  and  England  has  no  legal 
right  to  interfere.  She  may  bluster  a  little,  and  pro- 
test a  good  deal,  but  still  we  can  legally  go  on,  if  we 
wish  to,  until — 

"  The  whole  boundless  continent  is  ours." 


SPEECH  OF  AN  AUTHOR, 

A  popular  author  being  almost  forced  up  to  speati, 
declared  that  he  had  no  subject  to  speak  upon,  when 
one  of  the  company  said,  "  Why,  speak  about  authors, 
and  begin  with  a  description  of  their  modern  wrongs." 
"  And  that,"  replied  the  author,  "  is  precisely  a  subject 
on  which  I  have  nothing  to  say,  because  I  do  not 
believe  there  ever  was  a  time  when  authors  were  used 
better  than  they  are  nowadays.  Homer  was  a  beg- 
gar, and  Plautus  died  in  jail.  Tasso  nearly  starved 
to  death,  while  Cervantes  actually  died  of  hunger,  and 
Camoens  ended  his  days  in  an  alms-house.  Bacon  led 
a  life  of  meanness  and  distress,  and  tbe  charming 
6* 


130  THE   MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 

Spenser  died  of  want  and  neglect.  So  did  Collins. 
Milton  did  not  receive  as  much  for  his  Paradise  Lost 
as  a  modern  author  gets  for  a  shilling  novel — he  re- 
ceiving for  that  immortal  work  but  fifteen  pounds,  in 
three  payments  ;  and  the  great  author  finished  his  days 
in  obscurity.  Dryden  lived  in  poverty  and  distress. 
Otway  died  in  the  street,  of  hunger.  Steele's  life  was  a 
perpetual  warfare  with  the  bailiffs.  Goldsmith  was 
no  better  off;  and  Fielding  lies  buried  in  a  factory 
burying-ground  at  Lisbon,  without  a  stone  to  mark 
the  spot.  Savage  died  in  the  poor-debtor's  prison  at 
Bristol.  Butler,  Churchill,  and  Chatterton  were  little 
better  off.  Colton,  the  author  of  Lacon,  etc.,  blew 
out  his  brains  in  a  fit  of  madness  produced  by  absolute 
want.  What  a  tale  of  poverty  and  misery  is  the  life 
of  Ben  Jonson !  Shakespeare,  and  the  great  authors  of 
his  time,  did  not  sleep  on  beds  of  down,  in  gardens  of 
roses.  The  bright  and  beautiful  Shelley  led  a  life 
of  unrest  and  sorrow. 

"  Now,  gentlemen,  how  shall  we  talk  of  the  wrongs 
of  modern  authors,  whilst  these  terrible  facts  arc 
scowling  upon  us  out  of  the  past  ? 

"  The  only  reward  which  Theodore  Gaza  received 
from  Sixtus  IV.  for  his  dedication  of  the  Treatise  of 
Aristotle  on  the  Nature  of  Animals,  was  the  price  of 
the  binding  of  his  book,  which  the  Pope  generously 
repaid  to  him,  and  which  the  author  accepted.  Tasso 
was  not  more  successful  with  his  dedications.  Ariosto, 
in  presenting  his  poems  to  the  cardinal  d'Estc,  was 
saluted  with  sarcasm,  which  will  be  remembered  a& 
long  as  his  works.  The  old  historian,  Dupleix,  a  very 


SPEECH    OF   AN    AUTHOR.  131 

clever  author,  presented  one  of  his  Looks  to  the  Duke 
of  d'Epcrnin,  and  that  nobleman  turned  abruptly 
towards  the  Pope's  nuncio,  who  was  present,  and 
remarked,  '  This  is  one  of  your  breeding  authors  ;  he 
is  delivered  of  a  book  every  month.' 

"  Burnet  speaks  of  *  one  Prior/  and  Whitlock  of 
1  one  Milton,  a  blind  man.'  And  yet  we  cannot  deny 
that  Burnet  and  Whitlock  were  men  of  talents  and 
reputation  themselves.  But  we  read  in  Heath,  an 
obscure  chronicler  of  civil  wars,  that  '  one  Milton, 
since  stricken  with  blindness,  wrote  against  Salmasius, 
and  composed  an  impudent  and  blasphemous  book 
called  Iconoclastes.' 

"  One  of  those  ignorant,  but  successful  booksellers 
in  Paternoster-row,  who  published  things  in  numbers, 
went  to  Gibbon's  lodgings  in  St.  James  street,  and 
addressed  the  great  author  as  follows  :  '  Sir,  I  am  now 
publishing  a  History  of  England,  done  by  several  good 
hands.  I  understand  that  you  have  a  knack  of  them 
there  things,  and  should  be  glad  to  give  you  every 
reasonable  encouragement.' 

"  As  soon  as  Gibbon  recovered  the  use  of  his  legs 
and  tongue,  which  were  petrified  with  surprise,  he  ran 
to  the  bell,  and  ordered  his  servant  to  *  show  this  en- 
courager  of  learning  down  stairs.' 

"Now,  how  shall  we  complain  of  a  want  of  duo 
respect  to  the  profession  of  an  author,  as  a  modern 
vice,  when  such  authors  as  Gibbon  could  be  thus 
approached  in  his  time? 

"No,  gentlemen,  modern  authors  have' no  reason  to 
complain  either  of  the  publishers  or  the  public.  If 


132  THE  MODEL   SPEECH-MAKER. 

the  publishers  and  the  public  are  willing  to  hold  their 
place,  my  advice  to  the  authors  is,  to  keep  quiet  on  this 
subject ;  unless  they  open  their  mouths  to  say,  with 
Juvenal,  Periturce  partite  chartce — '  spare  a  few  sheets 
already  doomed  to  die.' " 


THE 

TOAST-MASTER'S   COMPANION. 


THERE  is  nothing  in  which  men  more  conspicuously 
show  their  wit — or  their  want  of  it — than  in  giving 
toasts  at  public  dinners.  Some  sparkling  wit,  or  some 
fine  sentiment,  is  always  expected  in  a  toast.  A  great 
deal  of  meaning  is  to  be  conveyed  in  the  fewest  words. 
As  a  rule,  it  is  safe  to  say  that  a  toast  which  is  not 
embraced  in  a  single  sentence  is  spoiled  by  being  too 
long. 

In  giving  a  volunteer  toast,  do  not  attempt  to  strain 
to  be  witty,  for  if  you  do,  you  will  probably  make 
yourself  ridiculous.  Not  long  since,  a  bright  genius 
gave  the  following  volunteer  toast,  at  a  dinner  given 
to  a  New  York  editor  who  had  just  arrived  from 
Europe : 

"  The  health  of ,  who  like  our  own  eagle  slum- 
bers amidst  the  buzz  of  insects,  careless  of  what  is 
passing  until  touched  on  some  sore  spot,  when  he 
flaps  his  wings,  screams,  and  scatters  them  to  the 
winds." 

It  is  hard  work  to  conceive  how  the  gentleman,  thus 
complimented,  could  enjoy  the  flattering  comparison 
which  makes  him  sleep  amidst  "insects"  until  some 

(133) 


cruel  wretch  touches  him  "  on  some  sore  spot?  which 
wakes  him  up,  and  causes  him  to  "flap  his  wings"  and 
" scream"  and  " scatter"  the  aforesaid  " insects"  about 
him,  until  the  very  wind  of  heaven  is  lousy  with  his 
enemies. 

In  giving  toasts  it  is  better  to  err  on  the  side  of 
modesty,  and  do  too  little  than  to  attempt  to  much. 
Wit  is  a  sharp  weapon,  and  a  dangerous  one  in  the 
hands  of  a  blockhead.  The  moral  of  the  story  of  the 
monkey,  who  attempted  to  shave  himself  with  his  mas- 
ter's razor,  applies  just  as  well  in  this  place  : 

"  Though  others  use  them  well — yet  fools 
Should  never  meddle  with  edge-tools." 

It  is  best  for  a  gentleman,  who  is  going  to  a  dinner 
where  toasting  and  drinking  may  be  the  order  of  the 
day,  to  arm  himself  with  at  least  one  good  toast  be- 
forehand ;  so,  if  the  occasion  fail  to  suggest  a  better 
one,  he  can  fall  back  upon  the  one  already  prepared. 


PATRIOTIC   TOASTS. 

Our  country,  our  whole  country,  and  nothing  but  our 
country. 

America — The  birthplace  of  liberty,  and  the  asylum 
for  the  oppressed  of  every  land. 

The  Union — No  north,  no  south,  no  east,  no  west,  but 
one  and  indivisible. 


PATRIOTIC   TOASTS.  135 

Our  Native  Land— May  it  ever  continue  the  abode  of 
freedom,  and  the  birthplace  of  heroes. 

American  Commerce — May  it  be  universally  extended. 

Confusion  to  those  fanatics  who  conspire  against  the 
union  of  the  States. 

The  next  President  of  the  United  States — under  his 
administration  may  neither  demagogues  nor  thieves 
find  place  and  office. 

Liberty  all  over  the  world. 

Free  commerce  for  a  free  people. 

Liberty — May  it  never  degenerate  into  licentiousness. 

Disgrace  to  the  enemies  of  the  Constitution. 

Wealth,  security,  and  resistance  to  oppression. 

Obedience  to  the  laws. 

Our  Judiciary — The  sword  of  justice  in  the  hand  of 
mercy. 

Disgrace  to  all  malcontents,  and  a  speedy  end  to  all 
disscntions. 

American  Heraldry — An  honest  heart,  icith  the  breast 
of  nature's  nobleman. 


136 

May  foreign  fashions  never  corrupt  American  manners. 

May  the  ambitious  demagogue,  who  strives  to  dis- 
sever the  union  of  these  States,  succeed  in  rising  as 
high  as  the  gallows. 

The  Fathers  of  our  Revolution — May  their  sons  never 
disgrace  their  parentage. 

May  our  love  for  our  country  be  without  bounds,  and 
our  love  of  justice  without  fear. 

The  American  Eagle — May  she  build  her  nest  in  every 
forest  on  this  continent. 

American  Yalor — May  it  shine  in  the  face  of  all 
nations. 

The  American  People — May  they  ever  be  blessed  with 
political  peace  and  domestic  happiness. 

May  every  American,  when  his  country  calls,  spring 
forth  to  meet  his  country's  foe. 

The  Defence  of  our  Country — May  our  soldiers  be 
quick  to  strike,  and  strike  home. 

May  all  Americans  share  equally  the  blessings  of  lib- 
erty, and  ever  stand  ready  to  contend  for  the  rights 
and  liberties  of  mankind. 

May  those  who  are  discontented  with  their  own  coun- 
try, leave  their  country  for  their  country's  good. 


PATRIOTIC    TOASTS.  137 

The  Boundaries  of  our  Country — East  by  the  Atlantic 
Ocean  ;  West,  as  far  as  we  can  get ;  North,  accord- 
ing to  circumstances  ;  and  South,  as  far  as  we  have  i 
mind  to  go. 

Niagara  Falls — An  emblem  of  the  power  of  Americans 
in  battle. 

Our  Lakes  and  Rivers — Inland  seas  that  unite  the 
commerce  of  our  States,  and  forever  render  their 
separation  impracticable  and  impossible. 

The  Virtue  of  our  Wives  and  Daughters — May  it  ever 
remain  as  pure  as  the  air  of  our  valleys,  and  as  firm 
as  the  rocks  of  our  mountains. 

May  our  sons  be  as  honest  as  they  are  brave,  and  our 
daughters  as  modest  as  they  are  fair. 

Our  Statesmen — May  they  ever  be  distinguished  for 
their  love  of  liberty  and  true  patriotism. 

A  hempen  neckcloth  for  all  traitors. 

May  he  who  would  destroy  the  union  of  his  countr} 
for  a  mess  of  pottage,  never  get  the  mess  of  pottage 

May  he  who  would  uproot  the  tree  of  liberty,  be  crush- 
ed by  its  fall. 

May  the  adjective  glorious  ever  be  joined  to  the  sub- 
stantive America. 


138  THE  TOAST-MASTER'S  COMPANION. 

American  Commerce — May  it  be  commander-in-cliief 
of  the  ocean. 

The  Progress  of  our  Country — May  it  never  "be  fet- 
tered by  faction. 

May  he  who  betrays  his  country  never  find  a  country 
to  shelter  him. 

Uncle  Sam — May  the  venerable  old  gentleman  soon 
sweep  our  legislative  halls  clean  of  pugilists,  duel- 
ists, and  thieves. 

The  Ballot-box — May  the  vigilance  of  the  people  pre- 
serve it  from  the  corruption  of  faction. 

The  Tree  of  Liberty — May  every  American  ever  have 
a  belly  full  of  its  fruit. 

May  the  liberty  we  enjoy  never  be  used  to  subvert  the 
principles  of  freedom. 

May  the  weight  of  our  taxes  never  break  the  back  of 
our  credit. 

May  the  Sons  of  Liberty  marry  the  Daughters  of 
Virtue. 

Our  Trade  and  Manufactures — May  they  never  be 
cramped  by  the  fetters  of  monopoly. 

May  civil  and  religious  liberty  ever  go  hand  in  hand. 


PATRIOTIC   TOASTS.  139 

May  peace  and  plenty  ever  rest  on  the  bosom  of  our 
American  soil. 

May  those  who  try  to  enrich  themselves  at  the  ex- 
pense of  our  country,  find  "  the  devil  to  pay/7  and 
plcLty  of  "  pitch  hot." 

The  watchword  of  America—"  Who's  afraid  ?" 
May  we  ever  enjoy  freedom  without/action. 

May  our  country  never  cease  to  deserve  wel1  of  us  j 
and  may  we  never  cease  to  deserve  well  of  our 
country. 

Where  liberty  dawned,  may  it  rise  to  its  meridian 
splendor. 

In  national  disputes  may  we  never  engage  in  a  bad 
cause,  and  may  we  never  fly  from  a  good  one. 

Our  Constitution — May  its  unquiet  foes  find  rest  in  a 
halter. 

The  spot  where  we  were  born — 

"  Where  the  women  can  love,  and  the  men  can  all  fight — 
The  latter  all  day,  and  the  former  all  night." 

Our  American  Boys — Who  have  arms  for  their  givls, 
or  for  their  country's  foes. 

Religion  without  sectarianism,  and  politics  without 
faction. 


140  THE  TOAST-MASTER'S  COMPANION. 

The  land  we  live  in — Let  liiin  who  don't  like  it, 
leave  it. 

The  Press — May  it  ever  be  free  without  licentiousness, 
and  bold  without  intolerance. 

To  the  memory  of  WEBSTER,  CLAY,  and  JACKSON — 
The  brain,  the  tongue,  and  the  sivord  of  the  Consti- 
tution. 

The  upright  elector  who  never  sells  his  vote. 

The  Three  great  American  Generals — General  Peace, 
General  Prosperity,  and  General  Satisfaction. 

Success  to  Navigation  and  Commerce. 

Success  to  the  Promoters  of  Commerce. 

May  our  Commerce,  like  our  shadows,  never  be  less. 

American  Commerce — May  it  never  be  dull,  but 
always  be  well  Japanned. 


NAVAL  AND  MILITARY  TOASTS. 

Our  Army  and  Navy — The  gallant  sentinels  of  the  na 
tion's  honor  by  land  and  sea,  at  home  and  abroad. 

The  Army  and  Navy — Those  twin  giant  defenders  of 
our  nation's  rights  and  our  nation's  glory. 


NAVAL   AND   MILITARY   TOASTS.  141 

The  American  Flag — May  it  ever  wave  over  tlic  home 
of  the  free  and  the  land  of  the  brave. 

An  Army  to  stand,  but  not  a  Standing  Army. 

Health  to  our  Brave  Sailors,  and  a  speedy  calm  to  the 
storms  of  life. 

Health  to  the  Gallant  Officers  of  our  Army  and  Navy. 
After  the  battles  and  storms  of  life  are  over,  may 
thcy  drop  quietly  and  trustingly  into  the  harbor 
of  eternal  bliss. 

Good  ships,  fair  winds,  and  brave  seamen. 

May  the  arms  of  our  soldiers  never  be  used  except 
against  our  country's  foe. 

May  the  tar  who  loses  one  eye  in  defence  of  his  coun- 
try, never  see  distress  with  the  other. 

May  the  Ensigns  of  the  American  Navy  ever  prove  a 
harbinger  of  dismay  and  defeat  to  our  enemies, 
aud  of  confidence  and  security  to  our  friends. 

May  our  sailors,  like  our  ships,  have  hearts  of  oak. 

The  Officers  and  Sailors  of  our  Navy — May  their  hard 
ships  at  sea  prove  hardships  indeed  to  our  foes. 

Our  Naval  Commanders — May  they  ever  be  lords  of 
the  main. 


142  THE  TOAST-MASTER'S  COMPANION. 

"  May  the  tars  of  Columbia  triumphantly  sail, 
And  over  her  enemies  always  prevail." 

May  the  brave  soldier,  who  never  turned  his  back  to 
the  enemy,  never  have  a  friend  turn  his  back  upon 
him. 

May  American  fortitude  and  courage  ever  mock  at 
trial  and  danger. 

May  the  old  American  tar,  who  has  been  tempest- 
tossed  at  sea,  always  find  a  welcome  on  his  native 
shore. 

May  every  mutinous  spirit  find  no  place  to  anchor  but 
in  the  dead  sea. 

Staunch  ships,  well  rigged,  and  brave  tars  to  man 
them. 

Health  to  Soldiers,  Sailors,  and  all  jolly  fellows. 

The  A  merican  Navy — May  it  ever  sail  on  a  sea  of 
glory,  be  wafted  by  the  gales  of  prosperity,  guided 
by  the  compass  of  justice,  and  enter  the  port  of  vic- 
tory. 

To  the  sweet  little  cherub  tha+  sits  up  aloft,  to  keep 
watch  for  the  life  of  poor  Jack. 

To  the  memory  of  the  Father  of  his  Country— Wash 
ington. 


DRIXKIXG   TOASTS.  143 

The  memory  of  those  who  fought  and  bled  with  Wash- 
ington to  secure  our  independence. 

The  glorious  memory  of  our  ancestors,  who  shed  their 
life's-blood  to  establish  our  liberty. 

"  The  wind  that  blows, 

The  ship  that  goes, 
And  the  lass  that  loves  a  sailor." 

The  discoverer  of  the  New  World — Columbus. 


DRINKING  TOASTS. 
A  friend,  and  a  bottle  to  give  him. 

A  good  supper,  a  good  bottle,  and  a  good  bed  to  every 
good  fellow. 

A  full  belly,  a  heavy  purse,  and  a  light  heart. 

A  bottle  at  night,  and  business  in  the  morning. 

^ 
Beauty,  wit,  and  wine. 

Clean  glasses  and  old  corks. 

Champagne  for  our  real  friends,  and  real  pain  frr  oar 
sham  friends. 

Good  wine,  good  company,  and  good  opportunity. 


1-14  THE  TOAST-MASTER'S  COMPANION. 

May  we  never  want  for  wine,  nor  for  a  friend  to  help 
drink  it. 

May  friendship  draw  the  cork,  and  love  the  curtain. 
May  we  never  see  a  frown  in  a  bumper  of  wine. 
May  all  our  cares  be  drowned  in  wine. 

"May  we  always  mingle  in  the  friendly  bowl, 
The  feast  of  reason,  and  the  flow  of  soul" 

Old  wine  and  young  women. 

Here's  to  the  heart  that  fills  as  the  bottle  empties. 

The  delights  of  music,  love,  and  wine. 

To  the  big-bellied  bottle. 

Wine  and  women — may  we  never  be  too  old  to  have  a 
taste  for  both. 

One  wife,  one  bottle,  and  one  friend — the  first,  beauti 
ful ;  the  second,  full ;  and  the  last,  ever  faithful. 

Here's  to  Bacchus'  blisses,  and  Venus'  kisses.         , 

"  Come,  push  the  goblet  round, 

And  drive  away  dull  sorrow  ; 
Come,  push  the  goblet  round, 
And  give  us  more  to-morrow." 

Delicate  wine  and  susceptible  maidens. 


TOASTS  FOR  ALL  PROFESSIONS.  145 

"  Come,  fill  the  bowl,  each  jolly  soul, 

Let  Bacchus  guide  our  revels ; 

Join  cup  to  lip,  with  '  hip,  hip,  hip,' 

And  throttle  the  blue  devils." 

May  the  cup  flow  with  nectar,  that  is  pressed  by  wo- 
man's lip. 

May  the  flowing  bowl  be  the  grave  of  sorrow  and 
care. 

"  One  bumper  at  parting ! — though  many 

Have  circled  the  board  since  we  met, 
The  fullest,  the  saddest  of  any, 

Remains  to  be  crowned  by  us  yet. 
The  sweetness  that  pleasure  has  in  it 

Is  always  so  slow  to  come  forth, 
That  seldom,  alas  I  till  the  minute 

It  dies,  do  we  know  half  its  worth  I 
But,  oh  1  may  our  life's  happy  measure 

Be  all  of  such  moments  made  up, 
They're  born  on  the  bosom  of  pleasure, 

They  die  in  the  tears  of  the  cup." 


TOASTS  FOR  ALL  PROFESSIONS. 
THE  SURGEON — A  man  who  bleeds  for  his  countrymen. 

THE  GLAZIER — Who  constantly  takes  pains  (panes) 
'-      that  other  people  may  see  dearly. 

THE  BAKER — May  he  never  be  done  so  much  as  to 
make  him  crusty. 

7 


146  THE  TOAST-MASTER'S  COMPANION. 

THE  PRINTER— May  his  form  be  well  locked  up  in  the 

arms  of  a  charming  wife. 
May  he  never  know  what  it  is  to  want  a  quoin. 

THE  TINKER — A  devout  man,  whose  life  is  spent  in  a 
pilgrimage,  to  mend  the  mistakes  and  repair  the 
wastes  which  other  people  have  made 

THE  FIREMAN — The  sentinel  of  our  homes ;  may  he 
burn  only  with  ardor  to  protect  the  property  and 
life  of  the  city. 

May  the  flames  of  dissention  never  find  fuel  in  his 
heart. 

The  Fire-Department — the  army  that  draws  water  in- 
stead of  blood,  and  thanks  instead  of  tears. 

THE  CARPENTER — May  he  have  a  warm  house  and 
good  "boarding. 

THE  ACTOR — A  bumper  every  night. 

THE  PLUMBER — Though  his  business  is  to  furnish  man- 
kind with  the  dumb  blessings  of  light  and  water, 
may  he  be  a  good  spouter,  and  easily  turn  his  lead 
into  gold. 

THE  BLACKSMITH — In  every  speculation  may  he  always 
hit  the  nail  on  the  head. 

THE  BANKER — May  he  always  draw  upon  content  for 
the  deficiency  of  fortune. 


TOASTS  FOR  ALL  PROFESSIONS.  147 

THE  ROAD-MAKER  —  A  hiyhivayman  who  deserves  well 
of  his  country. 

A  CARD-MAKER—  May  he  often  turn  up  trumps. 

A  COAL  MERCHANT  —  May  his  customers  ever  be  grate- 
full 

AN  AUCTIONEER  —  jrfy  knocking  down  may  he  ever  rise 
in  the  world. 

THE  DISTILLER  —  May  he  never  be  out  of  spirits. 

THE  COACH-MAKER  -May  all  his  wheels  be  those  of 
fortune. 

THE  PAINTER  —  May  he  have  a  good  pallet,  and  plenty 
to  gratify  his  taste. 


EVERY  MAN'S  WIF:^  —  May  the  lightning  of  luer  eye 
never  cause  him  to  be  afraid  of  thunder. 

THE  SADDLER  —  May  he  sit  upon  a  soft  cushion,  and 
never  have  the  misdeeds  of  others  saddled  upon 
him. 

THE  BOOK-KEEPER—  May  he  faithfully  keep  Ms  boofo, 
and  may  his  books  keep  him. 


148  THE  TO AST-M ASTER'S  COMPANION. 

AMATORY  TOASTS. 
The  Fairest  Work  of  Nature — Woman. 

All  that  Love  can  give  and  the  Heart  enjoy. 
Beauty's  best  Companion — Modesty. 

Charms  to  strike  the  Sight,  and  Merit  to  win  the 
Heart. 

Happy  Lovers  and  Merry  Maids. 

Love  without  licentiousness,  and  Pleasure  without  ex- 
cess. 

Love  without  deceit,  and  Matrimony  without  regret. 
Love  to  one,  Friendship  to  a  few,  and  Good-will  to  all. 

May  Love  and  Reason  be  friends,  and  Beauty  and 
Yirtue  marry. 

May  Love's  Labor  never  be  lost. 

May  the  villain  who  robs  a  woman  of  her  virtue,  die 
without  a  friend. 

May  the  Flame  of  Love  never  burn  up  the  spark  that 
kindled  it. 


AMATORY  TOASTS.  149 

May  we  kiss  whom  we  please,  and  please  whom  we 
kiss. 

The  Lass  that  we  love. 

Sincerity  before  Marriage,  and  Fidelity  afterwards. 

"  May  woman's  breast  be  pleasure's  couch, 

But  free  from  thoughts  unholy ; 
May  it  be  warm  to  virtue's  touch, 
But  cold  as  ice  to  folly." 

The  kiss  of  Love  on  the  lip  of  Innocence. 

The  Dimpled  Cheek— May  it  never  be  marked  with 
the  furrows  of  shame. 

The  Rose  of  the  Yalley— May  it  never  be  rifled  of  its 
fragrance. 

The  Village  Maid — May  she  remain  so  till  she  gets  a 
good  husband. 

"  A  cheerful  glass,  a  pretty  lass, 

A  friend  sincere  and  true  ; 
Blooming  health,  good  store  of  wealth, 
Attend  on  me  and  you." 

May  he  who  would  plant  a  Thorn  in  the  bosom  of  Tn 
nocence,  die  in  a  bed  of  Nettles. 

The  Cot  of  Content  and  the  Bosom  of  Love. 


150  THE  TOAST-MASTER'S  COMPANION. 

"  Drink  ye  to  her  that  each  loves  best, 

And  if  ye  nurse  a  flame 
That's  told  but  to  her  mutual  breast, 
We  will  not  ask  her  name." 


KATE,  in  a  bumper,  wherever  she  goes. 

Woman's  Lips,  and  Woman's  Heat  i — May  the  former 
be  sealed  when  the  latter  is  not  open. 


LITERARY  AND  ARTISTIC. 
The  father  of  English  poetry — GecJVey  Chaucer. 

The  prince  of  colorists — Titian. 

The  founder  of  poetical  romance — Luigi  Pulci. 

The   father   of  experimental   philosophy — Sir   Hum- 
phry Davy. 

The  father  of  modern  philosophy — Roger  Bacon. 

The  father  of  Italian  poetry — Dantj. 

The  poet  of  love — Petrarch. 

The  father  of  Italian  prose — Boccaccio. 


LITERARY   AND  ARTISTIC.  151 

The  father  of  engraving — Albert  Durer. 

The  first  English  printer — William  Caxton. 

The  prince  of  poetical  romance  writers — Ariosto. 

The  prince  of  novelists — Cervantes. 

The  prince  of  Spanish  poets — Lopez  de  Yega. 

The  father  of  French  tragedy — Corneille. 

The  prince  of  portrait  painters — Vandyek. 

The  prince  of  musicians — Mozart. 

The  Milton  of  music — Handel. 

The  English  Anacreon — Robert  Herrick. 

The  prince  of  landscape  painters — Claude  Lorraine. 

The  father  of  modern  prose  humor— Rabelais. 

The  prince  of  painters — Raphael. 

The  father  of  modern  essayists — Montaigne. 

The  father  of  biography — Plutarch. 


152  THE  TOAST-MASTER'S  COMPANION. 

The  prince  of  Portuguese  poets — Camoens. 

The  prince  of  Italian  composers — Paissello. 

The  prince  of  dramatic  poets — Shakespeare. 

The  prince  of  actors — Garricli , 

The  father  of  tragedy — JEschylus. 

The  inventor  of  the  stage — Thespis. 

The  father  of  history — Herodotus. 

The  great  founder  of  practical  philosophy — Socrates, 

The  prince  of  sculptors — Phidias. 

The  father  of  comedy — Eupolis. 

The  prince  of  orators — Demosthenes. 

The  father  of  mechanics — Archimedes. 

The  prince  of  pastoral  poets — -Theocritus. 

The  father  of  Latin  comedy — Plautus. 

The  father  of  modern  satirical  painting — Hogarth. 

The  prince  of  Italian  dramatists — Alfieri. 


MISCELLANEOUS  TOASTS.  153 

The  father  of  French  comedy — Moliere. 
The  prince  of  Scotch  poets — Robert  Burns. 

The  father  of  American  novel- writing — Charles  Bro  ol- 
den Brown. 

The  prince  of  American  authors  and    humorists — 
Washington  Irving. 

The  American  song-writer — George  P.  Morris. 
The  inventor  of  steamboats— Robert  Fulton. 


MISCELLANEOUS  TOASTS. 

A  warm  house,  a  good  wife,  a  fine  horse,  and  a  snug 
estate  to  all  who  deserve  them. 

Any  tales  but  tell-tales. 

An  honest  lawyer,  a  pious  divine,  and  a  skilful  phy- 
sician. 

All  of  fortune's  daughters,  except  miss-fortune. 
To  all  absent  friends. 

A  head  to  earn  and  a  heart  to  spend. 
7* 


154  THE  TOAST-MASTER'S  COMPANION. 

"A  friend  in  the  morning,  a  swer  oheart  at  night, 
To  fill  us  with  pleasure  and  bli&uul  delight." 

A  heavy  purse  and  a  light  heart. 

A.  freehold  in  a  pleasant  country,  lightly  taxed,  and 
unmortgaged. 

A  health  to  those  we  love  best. 

A  health  to  our  friends,  our  sweethearts,  and  wives. 

Charity  without  ostentation,   and    religion   without 
bigotry. 


"  Come,  fill  a  bumper,  fill  i 
May  mirth,  and  wine,  and  wit  abound  ; 
In  them  alone  true  wisdom  lies  — 
For  to  be  merry  's  to  be  wise." 

Let  dull  care  be  drowned  in  sparkling  wine. 

Equal  punishment  to  the  ragged  rascal  and  the  rich 
villain. 

Freedom's  fire  —  May  it  never  go  out. 

'  Come,  fill  up  your  glasses  and  join  in  the  chant, 
For  no  pleasure's  like  drinking  good  ale,  you  must  grant; 
Then  let  this  be  our  toast,  while  dull  care  we  assail  - 
May  we  ne'er  want  a  friend,  or  a  glass  of  good  ale.'' 

Here's  good  health  to  everybody,  lest  somebody  should 
feel  himself  slighted. 


MISCELLANEOUS  TOASTS.  155 

However  rough  the  road  of  life,  may  we  jog  merrily 
on  to  the  end  of  our  journey. 

! 

Liberality  in  booksellers,  and  integrity  in  authors. 

Lovely  women — May  they  ever  find  protection  and 
pleasure  under  our  military  and  naval  power. 

May  we  be  able  to  look  forward  with  pleasure,  and 
backward  without  regret. 

May  we  never  break  a  joke  over  the  head  of  repu- 
tation. 

May  our  injuries  be  written  in  sand,  and  our  friend- 
ships in  marble. 

May  the  morning  of  prosperity  not  be  forgotten  in  the 
evening  of  adversity. 

May  flattery  never  sit  in  the  parlor,  nor  plain  dealing 
be  kicked  out  of  doors. 

May  we  look  around  us  with  pleasure,  and  above  ua 
with  gratitude. 

May  we  never  swear  an  honest  girl  out  of  her  virtue, 
nor  an  honest  man  out  of  a  just  debt. 

May  the  sunshine  of  plenty  dispel  the  clouds  of  care. 
May  temptation  never  conquer  virtue. 


156  THE  TOAST-MASTER'S  COMPANION. 

May  we  never  feel  want,  nor  want  feeling. 

Hay  hemp  bind  those  whom  honor  and  the  laws  can 
not. 

May  we  never  murmur  without  a  cause,  nor  have  cause 
to  murmur. 

May  we  never  make  a  sword  of  our  tongues  to  wound 
the  reputation  of  others. 

May  hope  be  the  physician  when  calamity  is  the  disease. 

May  fortune  recover  her  eyesight,  and  be  just  in  the 
distribution  of  her  favors. 

May  we  always  part  with  regret,  and  meet  again  -v\lth 
pleasure. 

May  prudence  and  temperance  be  crowned  with  length 
of  days. 

May  we  be  able  to  shun  law  and  the  devil. 
May  we  always  command  success  by  deserving  it. 

May  all  men  of  base  principles  be  abandoned  by  1heh 
principles. 

May  the  best  day  we  have  seen  be  the  worst  that  is  to 
come. 


MISCELLANEOUS   TOASTS.  157 

May  truth  and  liberty  prevail  throughout  the  world. 

May  the  present  meeting  be  oft  repeated. 

May  love  and  honor  be  inseparable. 

May  we  never  skin  our  eels  till  we  get  them. 

"  May  those  that  are  single  get  wives  to  their  mind, 
And  those  that  are  married,  true  happiness  find ." 

May  the  heart  never  know  a  transport,  that  can  never 
feel  a  pain. 

May  you  live  to  be  old,  and  I  be  a  witness  of  it. 

May  he  who  is  an  ass,  and  takes  himself  to  be  a  deer, 
find  out  his  mistake  when  he  comes  to  leap  a  ditcl . 

May  we  either  say  nothing  of  the  absent,  or  speak     f 
them  like  a  friend. 

May  curses,  like  chickens,  go  home  to  roost. 

"  May  the  hallowed  name  of  wife 

Bring  us  rapture,  truth,  and  health  : 
Her  breast  our  pillow,  her  arms  our  home, 
Her  heart  our  dearest  wealth." 

May  the  man  who  does  not  love  his  native  country 
neither  live,  die,  nor  be  buried  in  it. 

May  we  always  find  a  spark  of  youthful  fire  beneath 
the  frost  of  age. 


158  THE  TOAST-MASTER'S  COMPANION. 

May  our  cutting  satire  never  cut  a  friend. 

May  the  flower  of  affection  never  wither  or  decay. 

"  May  this  be  our  maxim  where'er  we  are  twirl'd, 
'  A  fig  for  the  cares  of  the  whirl-a-gig  world.'  " 

May  we  never  hesitate  to  cut  a  friend  when  he  shuffles. 

il  May  we  with  Momus  and  the  god  of  wine, 
Defy  old  care  and  father  time." 

May  genius  always  beam  in  radiance  from  the  Ameri- 
can stage. 

May  wit  never  raise  a  blush  on  the  face  of  beauty. 

"  May  we  ne'er  forget  the  immortal  poet's  line, 
1  To  err  is  human — to  forgive,  divine.'  " 

May  superstition  never  make  fools  of  the  wise. 

May  every  rake  review  his  progress,  and  every  harlot 
reform. 

"  The  man  that  will  not  be  merry 

With  a  pretty  girl  in  bed, 
Send  him  to  sea  in  a  wherry, 
And  we  be  put  in  his  stead." 

The  brave  women  who  stood  by  the  guns  of  our  fore- 
fathers. 

Woman's  smile  and  woman's  tear — one  to  enliven,  thr 
other  to  soften  the  heart  of  man. 


MASONIC   TOASTS.  159 

"  Here's  to  the  maiden  of  bashful  sixteen, 

Likewise  to  the  widow  of  fifty, 
Here's  to  the  bold  and  extravagant  quean, 
And  here's  to  the  housewife  that's  thrifty. 
Let  the  toast  pass, 
Drink  to  the  lass, 
I'll  warrant  she'll  prove  an  excuse  for  the  glass." 

May  we  never  want  bread  to  make  a  toast. 
May  hunger  never  fail  to  find  a  good  cook. 

May  the  devil  turn  Don  Giovanni,  and  elope  with  all 
scolding  wives. 

11  To  Yenus  and  Bacchus  united, 

Of  whom  jolly  mortals  all  boast, 
May  they,  to  our  board  oft  invited, 
Be  always  the  general  toast." 

May  all  single  men  be  married,  and  all  married  men 
be  happy. 


MASONIC  TOASTS. 

"  Let  us  toast  every  brother,  both  ancient  and  young, 
Who  bridles  his  passions  and  governs  his  tongue." 

A  proper  application  of  the  24-inch  gauge,  so  that  we 
may  measure  out  and  husband  our  time  wisely. 

All  the  friends  of  the  craft 


160  THE  TOAST-MASTER'S  COMPANION. 

All  free-born  sons  of  the  ancient  and  honorable  c   ;ft. 

As  we  meet  upon  the  level,  may  we  part  upoi  the 
square. 

All  faithful  and  true  brothers. 

All  brothers  who  have  been  grand  masters. 

Every  brother  who  keeps  the  key  of  knowledge  from 
intruders,  but  cheerfully  gives  it  to  a  worthy 
brother. 

Every  brother  who  maintains  a  consistency  in  love, 
and  sincerity  in  friendship. 

Every  worthy  brother  who  was  at  first  duly  prepared, 
and  whose  heart  still  retains  an  awful  regard  to 
the  three  great*  lights  of  masonry. 

Golden  eggs  to  every  brother,  and  goldfinches  to  our 
lodge. 

Honor  and  influence  to  every  public-spirited  brother. 

May  every  worthy  brother  who  is  willing  to  work 
and  labor  through  the  day,  be  happy  at  night  with 
his  friend,  his  love,  and  a  cheerful  glass. 

May  all  freemasons  be  enabled  to  act  in  strict  con 
formity  to  the  rules  of  their  order. 


MASONIC   TOASTS.  161 

May  our  actions  as  masons  be  properly  squared. 

"  May  masonry  flourish  till  nature  expire, 
And  its  glories  ne'er  fade  till  the  world  is  on  fire." 

May  the  brethren  of  our  glorious  craft  be  ever  dis- 
tinguished in  the  world  by  their  regular  lives,  more 
than  by  their  gloves  and  aprons. 

May  concord,  peace,  and  harmony  subsist  in  all  regu- 
lar lodges,  and  always  distinguish  freemasons. 

May  masonry  prove  as  universal  as  it  is  honorable 
and  useful. 

May  every  brother  learn  to  live  within  the  compass, 
and  watch  upon  the  square. 

May  the  lodges  in  this  place  be  distinguished  for  love, 
peace,  aud  harmony. 

May  peace,  harmony,  and  concord  subsist  among  free- 
masons, and  may  every  idle  dispute  and  frivolous 
distinction  be  buried  in  oblivion. 

May  the  prospect  of  riches  never  induce  a  mason  to 
do  that  which  is  repugnant  to  virtue. 

May  the  square,  plumb-line,  and  level,  regulate  tho 
conduct  of  every  brother. 

May  the  morning  have  no  occasion  to  censure  the 
night  spent  by  freemasons. 


162  THE  TOAST-MASTER'S  COMPANION. 

May  the  hearts  of  freemasons  agree,  although  their 
heads  should  differ. 

May  every  mason  participate  in  the  happiness  of  a 
brother. 

May  every  brother  have  a  heart  to  feel,  and  a  hand  to 
give. 

May  discord,  party  rage,  and  insolence  be  for  ever 
rooted  out  from  among  masons. 

May  covetous  cares  be  unknown  to  freemasons. 

May  all  freemasons  go  hand-in-hand  in  the  road  of 
virtue. 

May  we  be  more  ready  to  correct  our  own  faults  than 
to  publish  the  errors  of  a  brother. 

May  all  freemasons  live  in  love,  and  die  in  peace. 
May  love  animate  the  heart  of  every  mason. 

May  unity  and  love  be  ever  stamped  upon  the  mason's 
mind. 

May  the  frowns  of  resentment  be  unknown  among  us. 

May  every  freemason  be  distinguished  by  the  internal 
ornament  of  an  upright  heart. 


MASONIC   TOASTS.  163 

May  the  brethren  in  this  place  be  united  to  one  and 
another  by  the  bond  of  love. 

May  the  gentle  spirit  of  love  animate  the  heart  of 
every  mason. 

May  every  freemason  have  so  much  genuine  philoso- 
phy, that  he  may  neither  be  too  much  exalted  with 
the  smiles  of  prosperity,  nor  too  much  dejected 
with  the  frowns  of  adversity. 

May  the  conduct  of  masons  be  such  as  to  convince  the 
world  they  dwell  in  light. 

May  every  brother  who  is  regularly  entered  bo  in- 
structed in  the  morals  of  masonry. 

May  no  freemason  taste  the  bitter  apples  of  affliction. 

May  unity,  friendship,  and  brotherly  love  ever  dis- 
tinguish the  brethren  of  the  ancient  craft. 

May  we  never  condemn  that  in  a  brother  which  we 
would  pardon  in  ourselves. 

May  freemasons  ever  taste  and  relish  the  sweets  of 
domestic  contentment. 

May  our  conversation  be  such,  that  by  it  youth  may 
find  instruction,  women  modesty,  the  aged  respect, 
and  all  men  civility. 


164  THE  TOAST-MASTER'S  COMPANION. 

May  every  freemason  have  peace,  health,  and  plenty. 

May  the  foundation  of  every  regular  lodge  be  solid, 
its  buildings  sure,  and  its  members  numerous  and 
happy. 

May  every  freemason  find  constancy  in  love,  and  sin- 
cerity in  friendship. 

May  hypocrisy,  faction,  and  strife,  be  for  ever  rooted 
from  every  lodge. 

May  every  mason's  conduct  be  such  as  to  have  an  ap- 
proving monitor. 

May  honor  and  honesty  distinguish  the  brethren. 

May  our  evening's  diversion  bear  the  morning's  re- 
flection. 

May  the  mason's  conduct  be  so  uniform,  that  he  may 
not  be  ashamed  to  take  a  retrospective  view  of  it. 

May  virtue  ever  direct  our  actions  with  respect  to 
ourselves,  justice  to  those  with  whom  we  deal, 
mercy,  love,  and  charity  to  all  mankind. 

May  no  freemason  desire  plenty,  but  with  the  benev- 
olent view  to  relieve  the  indigent. 

May  the  cares  which  haunt  the  heart  of  the  covetous 
be  unknown  to  the  freemason. 


MASONIC  TOASTS.  165 

May  all  freemasons  ever  taste  and  relish  the  sweets 
oi  freedom. 

Prosperity  to  masons  and  masonry. 

Relief  to  all  indigent  brethren. 

The  female  friends  of  freemasons. 

To  the  perpetual  honor  of  freemasonry. 

The  masters  and  wardens  of  all  regular  lodges. 

To  the  secret  and  silent. 

To  all  masons  who  walk  by  the  line. 
To  the  memory  of  the  Tyrian  artist. 
To  all  who  live  within  the  compass  and  square. 

To  him  that  did  the  Temple  rear, 
Who  lived  and  died  within  the  square, 
And  lies  interred — there's  none  know  where 
But  those  who  master-masons  are. 

To  all  the  fraternity  round  the  globe. 

To   the  increase  of  perpetual  friendship  and  peace 
among  the  ancient  craft. 

To  all  upright  and  pure  masons. 


166  THE  TOAST-MASTER'S  COMPANION. 

To  masons,  and  to  masons'  bairns, 
And  all  the  fair  with  wit  and  charms 
Who  bless  the  master  masons'  arms. 

To  every  pure  and  faithful  heart 
That  still  preserves  the  secret  art. 

The  keystone  of  the  masonic  arch. 

To  all  true  masons,  and  upright, 

"Who  saw  the  east  where  rose  the  light 

To  masonry,  friendship,  and  love. 

The  mason  who  knows  the  tru<5  value  of  his  tools. 

Come,  fill  up  a  bumper,  and  let  it  go  round, 
May  mirth  and  good-fellowship  always  abound; 

And  may  the  world  see 

That  freemasonry 
Doth  teach  honest  hearts  to  be  jovial  and  free 


ETIQUETTE  OF  THE  DINNER-TABLE, 


INVITATIONS  TO   DINNER. 

INVITATIONS  to  dine,  from  a  married  party,  are  sent 
in  the  name  of  the  lady,  in  some  such  form  as  the  follow- 
ing :  "Mrs.  A.  B.  Smith's  compliments  to  Mr.  and  Mrs. 
Brown — will  be  happy  of  their  company  at  dinner,  at 
6  o'clock,  Wednesday  evening,  May  9th."  The  answer 
to  invitations  to  dine,  accepting  or  declining,  should 
be  sent  immediately,  and  are  always  addressed  to  the 
lady.  If,  after  you  have  accepted  an  invitation,  any 
thing  occurs  to  render  it  impossible  for  you  to  go,  the 
lady  should  be  informed  of  it  immediately.  It  is  a 
great  breach  of  etiquette  not  to  answer  an  invitation 
as  soon  after  it  is  received  as  possible,  and  it  is  an  in- 
sult to  disappoint  when  we  have  promised. 

Invitations  to  dine  from  bachelors  to  a  party  of 
bachelors,  may  be  less  formal.  One  of  the  wealthiest 
bachelors  of  London,  and  a  famous  eater,  always  carries 
his  pockets  full  of  cards,  of  which  the  following  is  an 
exact  copy — "  Turbot  and  Lobster,  sir,  at  six  ;  shall 
be  happy  of  your  company."  These  he  is  in  the  habit 
of  handing  about  very  liberally. 


168  ETIQUETTE   OF  THE  DINNER-TABLE. 

Letters  or  cards  of  invitation  should  always  name 
the  hour  of  dinner  ;  and  well-bred  people  will  arrive 
as  nearly  at  the  specified  time  as  they  can.  Be  sure 
and  not  be  a  minute  behind  the  time,  and  you  should 
not  get  there  long  before,  unless  the  invitation  requests 
you  particularly  to  come  early  for  a  little  chat  before 
dinner. 

Always  go  to  a  dinner  as  neatly  dressed  as  possible. 
The  expensiveness  of  your  apparel  is  not  of  much  im- 
portance, but  its  freshness  and  cleanliness  are  indispens- 
able. The  hands  and  finger-nails  require  especial  atten- 
tion. It  is  a  great  insult  to  every  lady  at  the  table 
for  a  man  to  sit  down  to  dinner  with  his  hands  in  a 
bad  condition. 


MANNERS   AT   TABLE. 

Nothing  more  plainly  shows  the  well-bred  man  than 
his  manners  at  table.  A  man  may  be  well  dressed, 
may  converse  well — and  these  are  all  in  his  favor — but 
if  he.  is  after  all  unrefined,  his  manners  at  table  will 
be  sure  to  expose  him.  If  he  is  "  au  fait "  at  dinner, 
he  has  passed  one  of  the  severest  tests  of  good  breeding. 

Any  unpleasant  peculiarity,  abruptness,  or  coarse- 
ness of  manners,  is  especially  offensive  at  table. 
People  are  more  easily  disgusted  at  that  time  than  at 
any  other.  All  such  acts  as  leaning  over  on  one  side 


MANNERS   AT   TABLE. 

in  your  own  chair,  placing  your  elbows  on  the  table, 
or  on  the  back  of  your  neighbor's  chair,  gaping,  twist- 
ing about  restlessly  in  your  seat,  arc  to  be  avoided  as 
heresies  of  the  most  infidel  stamp  at  table. 

Though  the  body  at  table  should  always  be  kept  in 
a  tolerably  upright  and  easy  position,  yet  one  need  not 
sit  bolt-upright,  as  stiff  and  prim  as  a  poker.  To  be 
easy,  to  be  natural,  and  to  appear  comfortable,  is  the 
deportment  required. 

You  will  sip  your  soup  as  quietly  as  possible  from 
the  side  of  th<?  spoon,  and  you,  of  course,  will  not  com- 
mit the  vulgarity  of  blowing  in  it,  or  trying  to  cool  it, 
after  it  is  in  your  mouth,  by  drawing  in  an  unusual 
quantity  of  air,  for  by  so  doing  you  would  be  sure  to 
annoy,  if  you  did  not  turn  the  stomach  of  the  lady  or 
gentleman  next  to  you. 

The  reason  why  it  is  considered  impolite  to  take 
soup  or  fish  a  second  time,  at  a  large  party,  is  because 
by  so  doing  you  keep  the  rest  of  the  company  staring 
at  you  ;  while  the  second  course  is  in  danger  of  being 
spoiled  waiting  for  you.  It  is  the  selfish  greediness 
of  this  act,  therefore,  that  constitutes  its  vulgarity. 
At  a  small  family  dinner,  however,  the  same  objections 
do  not  hold  good. 

It  is  not  considered  proper  to  use  your  knife  to  con- 
vey food  to  your  mouth.     This  is  one  of  the  most  arbi- 
trary and,  perhaps,  least  sensible  rules  of  table  eti- 
8 


170  ETIQUETTE   OF   THE   DINNER-TABLE. 

quette.  The  reason  for  it  probably  is,  that  in  convey- 
ing food  to  the  mouth  on  a  knife,  it  is  in  some  danger 
of  falling  off  and  dropping  back  into  the  plate,  or  on 
the  table.  The  knife  is  used  for  cutting,  and  the  fork 
or  spoon  for  feeding.  Dr.  Johnson  and  Dean  Swift 
used  to  pay  little  attention  to  this  form  of  etiquette  ; 
but  as  you  are  neither  Dr.  Johnson  nor  Dean  Swift,  it 
is  doubtful  if  you  can  afford  to  disregard  it. 

Making  a  noise  in  chewing  your  food,  or  breathing 
hard  in  eating,  are  unseemly  habits,  which  will  be 
sure  to  get  you  a  bad  name  at  table,  among  people  of 
good  breeding.  Let  it  be  a  sacred  rule  that  you  can- 
not  use  your  knife,  or  fork,  or  teeth  too  quietly. 

Avoid  picking  your  teeth,  if  possible,  at  table,  for 
however  agreeable  such  a  practice  might  be  to  your- 
self, it  may  be  offensive  to  others.  The  habit  which 
some  have  of  holding  one  hand  over  the  mouth,  does 
not  avoid  the  vulgarity  of  teeth-picking  at  table. 

Neither  ladies  nor  gentlemen  ever  wear  gloves  at 
table,  unless  their  hands,  from  some  cause,  are  not  fit 
to  be  seen. 

Avoid  too  slow  or  too  rapid  eating ;  the  one  will 
appear  as  though  you  did  not  like  your  dinner,  and 
the  other  as  though  you  were  afraid  you  would  not  get 
enough. 

It  is  not  good  taste  to  praise  extravagantly  every 


ON   GIVING   DINNERS.  171 

dish  that  is  set  before  you  ;  but,  if  there  are  some 
things  that  are  really  very  nice,  it  is  well  to  speak  in 
their  praise.  But,  above  all  things,  avoid  seeming  in- 
different to  the  dinner  that  is  provided  for  you,  as  that 
might  be  construed  into  a  dissatisfaction  with  it. 
When  the  Duke  of  Wellington  was  at  Paris,  as  com- 
mander of  the  allied  armies,  he  was  invited  to  dine 
with  Cambaceres,  one  of  the  most  distinguished  states- 
men and  gourmands  of  the  time  of  Napoleon.  In  the 
course  of  the  dinner,  his  host  having  helped  him  to 
some  recherche  dish,  expressed  a  hope  that  he  found  it 
agreeable.  "  Very  good,"  said  the  Duke,  "  but  I  really 
don't  care  what  I  eat.'"'  "  Good  God !"  exclaimed 
Cambaceres,  as  he  started  back  and  dropped  his  fork, 
"  don't  care  what  you  eat !  What  did  you  come  here 
for,  then  ?"  At  the  time  the  Duke  made  this  shocking 
blunder,  he  was  probably  too  much  absorbed  about 
Waterloo  to  know  what  he  was  saying  at  table. 

If  you  ask  the  waiter  for  anything,  you  will  be  care- 
ful to  speak  to  him  gently  in  the  tone  of  request,  and 
not  of  command.  To  speak  to  a  waiter  in  a  driving 
manner  will  create,  among  well-bred  people,  the  sus- 
picion that  you  were  sometime  a  servant  yourself,  and 
are  putting  on  airs  at  the  thought  of  your  promotion. 
Lord  Chesterfield  says  :  "  If  I  tell  a  footman  to  bring 
me  a  glass  of  wine,  in  a  rough,  insulting  manner,  I 
should  expect  that,  in  obeying  me,  he  would  contrive 
to  spill  some  of  it  upon  me,  and  I  am  sure  I  should  de- 
serve it." 


172  ETIQUETTE   OF   THE   DINNER-TABLE. 


ON   GIVING  DINNERS. 

It  is  a  mistaken  idea  which  many  people  entertain, 
to  suppose  that  a  man  can  get  either  reputation  or  real 
friends  by  giving  a  great  many  expensive  dinners.  In 
the  first  place,  if  a  man  dines  people  beyond  his  means, 
he  gets  a  very  bad  reputation,  and  even  the  friends 
who  eat  them  go  away  despising  the  man  for  his  folly 
in  inviting  other  people  to  eat  up  his  substance.  A 
man  who  not  long  since  absconded  from  New  York,  a 
defaulter  to  the  Federal  Government,  was  so  famous 
for  his  splendid  dinners,  that  even  the  friends  who  ate 
them  were  prophesying  for  three  years  that  he  must, 
in  the  end,  come  out  a  defaulter.  While  laughing 
over  his  sparkling  wine,  it  was  still  impossible  to  keep 
the  feeling  of  contempt  from  choking  them  in  their 
throats. 

The  most  expensive  and  splendid  dinners  are  not  by 
any  means,  necessarily,  the  most  enjoyable  and  the 
most  desirable.  The  splendid  Koman  banquets,  so 
famous  in  history,  were  much  more  remarkable  for 
profusion  and  costliness  than  for  tasi^e.  The  only 
merit  of  a  dish  composed  of  the  brains  of  five  hundred 
peacocks,  or  the  tongues  of  five  hundred  nightingales, 
must  have  been  its  dearness  ;  and  if  a  mode  of  swal- 
lowing the  most  money  in  a  given  time  be  the  desider- 
atum, commend  us  to  Cleopatra's  decoction  of  dia- 
monds, though  even  this  was  fairly  exceeded  in  origi- 
nality and  neatness  of  conception  by  the  English 


ON   GIVING   DINNERS.  173 

sailor,  who  placed  a  ten-pound  note  between  two  slices 
of  bread  and  butter,  and  made  his  black-eyed  Susan 
eat  it  as  a  sandwich.  Capt.  Morris,  in  one  of  his 
songs,  has  set  the  proper  value  on  such  luxuries  : 

"  Old  Lucullus,  they  say, 

Forty  cooks  had  each  day, 
And  Vitellius's  meals  cost  a  million ; 

But  I  like  what  is  good, 

When  or  where  be  my  food, 
In  a  chop-house  or  royal  pavilion. 

"  At  all  feasts,  if  enough, 

I  most  heartily  stuff, 
And  a  song  at  my  heart  alike  rushes ; 

Though  I've  not  fed  my  lungs 

Upon  nightingales'  tongues, 
Nor  the  brains  of  goldfinches  and  thrushes.' 


The  vulgar  notion  of  associating  gentility  with  ex- 
pense and  mere  show,  does  not  obtain  among  people 
of  substantial  good  breeding.  The  most  expensive 
banquets  are  often  failures.  Foote  thus  describes  such 
a  one  :  "  As  to  splendor,  as  far  as  it  went,  I  admit  it : 
there  was  a  very  fine  sideboard  of  plate  •  and  if  a  man 
could  have  swallowed  a  silversmith's  shop,  there  was 
enough  to  satisfy  him  ;  but  as  to  all  the  rest,  the  mut 
ton  was  white,  the  veal  was  red,  the  fish  was  kept  too 
long,  the  venison  not  kept  long  enough  :  to  sum  up 
all,  every  thing  was  cold  except  the  ice,  and  every 
thing  sour  except  the  vinegar." 


174  ETIQUETTE   OF   THE   DIXNEB-TABLB. 

If  you  would  really  please  your  guests  at  dinner, 
your  care  should  be  directed,  not  to  the  expense  and 
splendor  of  your  china,  but  to  the  quality  of  your  vict- 
uals ;  not  so  much  to  the  number  and  variety  of 
dishes,  as  to  their  goodness.  A  single  joint  -well 
cooked,  with'  the  proper  vegetables,  will  give  better 
satisfaction  than  a  dozen  kinds  of  meats  and  game, 
badly  cooked.  Of  all  the  annoyances  at  dinner,  the 
sight  of  a  rare  dish  spoiled  in  the  cooking  and  dress- 
ing is  the  worst.  Therefore,  unless  you  are  sure  of 
your  cook,  it  is  the  safest  way  to  confine  your  feast  to 
those  plain  staple  dishes,  in  the  preparation  of  which 
it  is  not  easy  to  get  astray. 

It  is  always  best  for  the  lady  of  the  house,  where  a 
dinner-party  is  to  come  off,  to  be  dressed  and  ready 
to  appear  in 'the  drawing-room  as  early  as  possible, 
so  that  if  any  of  the  guests  should  happen  to  come  a 
little  early,  she  may  be  prepared  to  receive  them.  It 
is  awkward  for  both  parties  where  visitors  arrive  be- 
fore the  lady  of  the  house  is  ready  for  them.  If  it  is 
necessary  for  her  to  keep  an  eye  upon  the  dinner,  it  is 
still  best  that  she  should  familiarly  receive  her  guests, 
and  beg  to  be  excused,  if  it  is  necessary  for  her  to 
vanish  occasionally  to  the  kitchen.  A  real  lady  is  not 
ashamed  to  have  it  known  that  she  goes  into  the  kitch- 
en ;  on  the  contrary,  it  is  more  likely  that  she  will 
be  a  little  proud  of  being  thought  capable  of  superin- 
tending the  preparing  feast. 

It  is  not  in  good  taste  for  the  lady  of  the  house, 


O>N    GIVING   DINNERS.  175 

where  a  dinner  is  given,  to  dress  very  much.  She 
leaves  it  for  her  lady-guests  to  make  what  display  they 
please,  and  she  offers  no  rivalry  to  their  fine  things. 
She  contents  herself  with  a  tasty  neglige,  which  often 
proves  the  most  fascinating  equipment  after  all,  espe- 
cially, if  the  cheeks  become  a  little  flushed  with  natu- 
ral bloom,  in  consequence  of  the  exercise  and  anxiety 
incident  to  the  reception  of  the  guests. 

When  dinner  is  on  the  table,  the  lady  and  gentle- 
man of  the  house  will  have  an  opportunity  of  showing 
their  tact  by  seeing  that  the  most  distinguished  guests, 
or  the  oldest,  are  shown  into  the  dining-room  first,  and 
by  making  those  companions  at  the  table  who  are 
most  likely  to  be  agreeable  to  each  other.  The  lady 
of  the  house  may  lead  the  way,  or  follow  her  guests 
into  the  dining-room,  as  she  pleases.  Among  those 
who  delight  to  follow  the  etiquette  of  the  English  no- 
bility, the  latter  practice  is  followed.  But  the  prac- 
tice must  not  be  considered  a  test  of  good  breeding  in 
America.  If  the  lady  leads,  the  husband  will  follow 
behind  the  guests,  with  the  lady  on  his  arm  who  is  to 
sit  at  his  side.  The  old  custom  is  still  followed  to 
some  extent  in  this  country,  of  the  lady  taking  the  head 
of  the  table,  with  the  two  most  favored  guests  seated, 
the  one  at  her  right  and  the  other  at  her  left  hand  ; 
while  the  gentleman  of  the  house  takes  the  foot  of  the 
table,  supported  on  each  side  by  the  two  ladies  most 
entitled  to  consideration.  But  this  old  rule  is  by  no 
means  slavishly  followed  in  polite  society  in  this 
country. 


176  ETIQUETTE   OF   THE   DINXEIl-TABLE. 

The  lady  and  gentleman  of  the  house  are,  of  course^ 
helped  last,  and  they  are  very  particular  to  notice, 
every  minute,  whether  the  waiters  are  attentive  to 
every  guest.  But  they  do  not  press  people  either  to 
eat  more  than  they  appear  to  want,  nor  insist  upon 
their  partaking  of  any  particular  dish.  It  is  allow- 
able for  you  to  recommend,  so  far  as  to  say  that  it  is 
considered  "  excellent,"  but  remember  that  tastes  differ, 
and  dishes  which  suit  you  may  be  unpleasant  to  others  ; 
and  that,  in  consequence  of  your  urgency,  some  modest 
people  might  feel  themselves  compelled  to  partake  of 
what  is  disagreeable  to  them. 

Never  speak  harshly  or  imperatively  to  your  ser- 
vants in  the  presence  of  your  guests.  It  would  be  as 
annoying  to  your  guests  as  it  would  be  cruel  to  your 
servants.  If  they  make  any  mistake,  or  break  any 
thing,  you  will  avoid  keeping  the  attention  of  the  party 
to  it  for  a  single  minute.  Remember  that  you  cannot 
seem  to  be  annoyed  yourself,  without  annoying  your 
friends  at  the  same  time.  Some  men  have  a  brutal 
way  of  scolding  and  driving  their  servants  in  company  ; 
but  it  will  be  difficult  for  such  a  brute  to  get  a  well-bred 
lady  or  gentlemen  to  his  house  to  dine  a  second  time. 
And  what  shall  be  said  of  the  man  who  is  in  the  habit 
of  speaking  ill-naturedly  to  his  wife  before  her  guests ! 
There  is  no  language  that  can  justly  describe  his  bru- 
tality, and  we  shall,  therefore,  not  attempt  it. 

Avoid,  by  all  means,  everything  unpleasant  at  table. 
If  any  of  your  guests  so  far  forget  the  rules  of  good 


ON   GIVING   DINNERS.  117 

breeding  as  to  speak  disparagingly  of  any  person,  you 
will  show  your  tact  by  instantly  turning  the  attention 
of  the  party  upon  something  else.  A  back-biter  is 
always  deemed  a  nuisance  in  really  polite  society,  but 
especially  so  at  table,  where  everything  unpleasant  is 
shunned  as  the  bane  of  the  common  enjoyment. 

It  is  customary  in  some  American  families  to  serve 
their  guests  with  coffee  in  the  parlor  after  dinner. 
But  this  is  a  European  custom  which  is  not  generally 
practised  in  polite  American  society.  When  coffee  is 
given  at  the  close  of  the  dinner,  it  is  more  usual  to 
serve  it  before  the  guests  leave  the  table.  The  prac- 
tice of  handing  it  round  in  the  parlor  or  drawing- 
room,  is  an  unnecessary  inconvenience  to  the  guests 
particularly,  without  any  compensating  advantages. 

Finger-glasses  are  generally  handed  round  as  soon 
as  the  viands  are  removed,  but  they  are  intended  merely 
to  wet  the  fingers  and  around  the  mouth.  The  habit 
of  rinsing  the  mouth  at  table  is  a  disgusting  piece  of 
indelicacy,  which  is  never  practised  by  any  well-bred 
person. 

It  is  generally  the  custom  in  this  country  for  ladies 
to  retain  their  seats  at  table  till  the  end  of  the  feast. 
But  where  the  dinner  is  of  a  somewhat  political  char- 
acter, and  it  is  expected  that  long  and  deep  drinking 
is  to  follow  the  viands,  the  ladies  usually  retire  from 
the  table  after  the  second  or  third  glass  ;  aiii  when 
8* 


178  ETIQUETTE   OF   THE    DIXXER-TABLE. 

they  leave,  the  gentlemen  all  rise,  and  the  one  nearest 
the  door  opens  it  for  them. 

The  polite  and  noble  Roman,  Lucullus,  said  that 
there  was  as  much  care  to  be  taken  in  the  right  man- 
agement of  a  feast,  as  in  the  marshalling  of  an  army  ; 
that  the  one  might  be  as  pleasing  to  friends  as  the 
other  terrible  to  enemies. 


ON  CARVING. 

A  great  deal  of  the  comfort  and  satisfaction  of  a 
good  dinner  depends  upon  the  carving.  Awkward 
carving  is  enough  to  spoil  the  appetite  of  a  refined 
and  sensitive  person.  No  matter  how  well  the  meats 
may  be  cooked,  if  they  are  mutilated,  torn,  and  hacked 
to  pieces,  or  even  cut  awkwardly,  one  half  of  their  rel- 
ish is  destroyed  by  the  carver.  Formerly,  in  England, 
there  were  regular  teachers  of  the  art  of  carving,  and 
Lady  Mary  Wortly  Montague  confesses  that  she  once 
took  lessons  of  such  a  professor  three  times  a  week. 
Besides  the  annoyance  and  mortification  of  bad  carv- 
ing, it  is  a  very  extravagant  piece  of  ignorance,  as  it 
causes  a  great  waste  of  meats.  In  the  seventeenth 
century,  carving  was  a  science  that  Carried  with  it  as 
much  pedantry  as  the  business  of  school-teaching  does 
at  the  present  day  ;  and  for  a  person  to  use  wrong 
terms  in  relation  to  carving,  was  an  unpardonable 


ON   CARVING.  179 

affront  to  etiquette.  Carving  all  kinds  of  small  birds 
was  called  to  thy  them ;  a  quail,  to  wing  it ;  a  pheas- 
ant, to  allay  it ;  a  duck,  to  embrace  it ;  a  hen,  to  spoil 
her  ;  a  goose,  to  tare  her,  and  a  list  of  similar  tech- 
nicalities too  long  and  too  ridiculous  to  repeat. 

Dr.  Johnson  said,  that  "  You  should  praise,  not  ridi- 
cule, your  friend  who  carves  with  as  much  earnestness 
of  purpose  as  though  he  were  legislating." 

The  best  way  to  cut  a  HAM,  in  order  that  the  fat  and 
lean  may  be  served  evenly,  is  to  begin  in  the  middle 
of  the  ham,  and  cut  out  thin  circular  slices.  Though 
good  carvers  often  begin  at  the  large  end  of  the  ham. 
which  is  certainly  the  most  gaving  way. 

In  carving  a  roast  SIRLOIN  OF  BEEF,  you  may  begin 
at  either  end,  or  in  the  middle.  The  outside  should 
be  sliced  downward  to  the  bone,  while  the  inside  or 
tenderloin  part  should  be  sliced  thin,  lengthwise,  and 
a  lil.;le  of  the  soft  fat  given  with  each  piece.  You 
may  ask  whether  the  outside  or  inside  is  preferred  ; 
otherwise  a  small  bit  of  the  inside  should  be  served 
with  each  plate,  as  this  is  generally  regarded  as  the 
mos:  choice  portion. 

But  little  skill  is  required  in  carving  a  ROUND  OF 
BEE-'.  It  should  be  cut  in  thin,  smooth,  and  even 
slices. 

A  FILLET  OF  YEAL  should  be  cut  in  the  same  way  as 


180  ETIQUETTE    OP   THE    DINNER-TABLE. 

a  round  of  beef.  Ask  whether  the  brown  or  outside 
is  preferred.  If  it  is  stuffed,  cut  deep  through  the 
stuffing,  and  serve  each  plate  with  a  thin  slice,  with  a 
little  of  the  fat  also. 

In  carving  a  LEG  OP  MUTTON,  slice  it  lightly,  for  if 
you  press  too  heavily  the  knife  will  not  cut,  and  you 
will  squeeze  out  all  the  gravy,  and  serve  your  guests 
with  dry  meat.  Begin  to  cut  in  the  middle,  as  that  is 
the  most  juicy  part.  Cut  thin,  deep  slices,  and  help 
each  person  to  a  little  of  the  fat,  and  some  of  the 
brown  or  outside. 

In  carving  a  FORE  QUARTER  OP  LAMB,  separate  the 
shoulder  from  the  breast  and  ribs,  by  passing  the  knife 
under  and  through  it ;  then  separate  the  gristly  part 
from  the  ribs,  and  help  from  that,  or  the  ribs,  as  may 
be  chosen. 

A  HAUNCH  OP  MUTTON  is  the  leg  and  a  part  of  the 
loin.  In  carving,  help  to  about  equal  parts  of  the  fat 
of  the  loin,  and  the  lean  of  the  leg.  Cut  each  part 
directly  down  through  in  slices,  about  a  quarter  of  an 
inch  thick. 

A  SADDLE  OF  MUTTON  should  be  cut  in  thin  slices 
from  tail  to  end,  beginning  close  to  the  back-bone ; 
help  some  fat  from  the  sides. 

A  ROAST  PIG  should  be  cut  in  two  before  it  is  sent 
to  the  table.  Begin  to  carve  by  separating  the  shoul- 


ON   CURVING.  181 

der  from  one  side,  then  divide  the  ribs.  The  joints 
may  be  divided,  or  pieces  cut  from  them.  The  ribs  are 
considered  the  finest  part,  though  some  prefer  the 
neck  end. 

In  carving  a  GOOSE,  cut  off  the  apron,  or  the  part 
directly  under  the  neck,  and  outside  of  the  merry- 
thought. Then  turn  the  neck-end  towards  you,  and  cut 
the  breast  in  slices.  Take  off  the  leg  by  putting  the 
fork  into  the  small  end  of  the  bone,  pressing  it  to  the 
body,  at  the  same  time  passing  the  knife  into  and 
through  the  joint.  Take  off  the  wing  by  putting  the 
fork  into  the  small  end  of  the  pinion,  and  pressing  it 
close  to  the  body  while  the  knife  is  dividing  the  joint. 
The  wing  side-bones,  and  also  the  back  and  lower  side- 
bones,  should  then  be  cut  off.  The  best  pieces  are  the 
breast  and  thighs. 

A  FOWL,  on  CHICKEN,  is  carved  by  first  detaching 
the  legs  from  the  body.  Next,  take  off  the  wings,  by 
dividing  the  joint  with  the  knife  ;  then  lift  up  the  pin- 
ion with  your  fork,  and  draw  the  wing  towards  the 
leg,  and  the  muscles  will  separate  in  a  better  form 
than  if  cut,  Then  remove  the  merry- thought  from  the 
neck-bones,  and  divide  the  breast  from  the  carcass  by 
cutting  through  the  tender-ribs.  Then  lay  the  back 
upwards,  and  cut  it  across  half-way  between  the  neck 
and  the  rump.  The  breast  and  thighs  are  considered 
the  choice  bits. 

A  TURKEY  is  carved  very  nearly  in  the  same  way  aa 
a  chicken,  or  fowl. 


182  ETIQUETTE    OF   THE   DINNER-TABLE. 

Nearly  all  kinds  of  small  game  birds  are  carved  by 
simply  cutting  them  in  two,  from  the  neck  to  the  tail, 
unless  they  are  given  whole. 

Never  pour  gravy  over  white  meat,  as  it  would  de- 
stroy its  delicate  appearance. 

There  are  many  little  ways  of  seasoning  meats  and 
game,  which  may  be  done  by  the  carver,  as,  for  in- 
stance :  before  cutting  up  a  duck,  slice  the  breast,  and 
pour  over  the  gashes  a  few  spoonfuls  of  sauce  made  of 
port-wine,  lemon-juice,  salt,  and  Cayenne  pepper.  Or, 
after  you  have  cut  off  the  apron  and  breast-bone  of  a 
goose,  pour  into  the  body  a  glass  of  port  wine  apd  a 
small  teaspoonful  of  mustard. 


WINE  AT  TABLE. 

Almost  every  gentleman  has  wine  at  his  table  when- 
ever he  has  invited  guests.  Indeed,  wine  is  considered 
an  indispensable  part  of  a  good  dinner,  to  which  a 
gentleman  has  been  formally  invited.  Even  if  you  are 
a  total-abstinence  man  yourself,  you  will  not,  if  you 
are  really  a  gentleman,  attempt  to -compel  all  your 
guests  to  be  so  against  their  wish.  If  you  are  so  fa- 
natical that  you  have  what  is  called  "  conscientious 
scruples''7  against  furnishing  wine,  then  you  should  in- 
vite none  to  dine  who  are  not  as  fanatical  and  big 


WINE   AT   TABLE.  183 

oted  as  yourself.  You  must  consider  that  a  gentleman 
may  have  "conscientious  scruples77  against  dining  with 
you  on  cold  water,  for  there  are  even  temperate  and 
sober  gentlemen  who  would  go  without  meat  as  soon 
as  be  deprived  of  their  glass  of  wine  at  dinner.  The 
vegetarian,  who  would  force  his  guests  to  dine  on  cab- 
bages and  onions,  is  hardly  guilty  of  a  greater  breach 
of  etiquette  than  the  total-abstinence  fanatic  who  would 
compel  his  guests  to  go  without  wine. 

If  there  is  a  gentleman  at  the  table  who  is  known  to 
be  a  total-abstinence  man,  you  will  not  urge  him  to 
drink.  He  will  suffer  his  glass  to  be  filled  at  the  first 
passage  of  the  wine,  and  raising  it  to  his  lips,  will  bow 
his  respects  with  the  rest  of  the  guests,  and  after  that 
his  glass  will  be  allowed  to  remain  untouched.  As 
little  notice  as  possible  should  be  taken  of  his  total- 
abstinence  peculiarity.  And,  if  he  is  a  gentleman,  he 
will  carefully  avoid  drawing  attention  to  it  himself. 

It  is  not  now  the  custom  to  ask  a  lady  across  the 
table  to  take  wine  with  you.  It  is  expected  that  every 
lady  will  be  properly  helped  to  wine  by  the  gentleman 
who  takes  her  to  the  table,  or  who  sits  next  to  her. 
But  if  you  are  in  company  where  the  old  custom  pre- 
vails, it  would  be  better  breeding  to  follow  the  custom 
of  the  place,  rather  than  by  an  omission  of  what  your 
entertainer  <  civility,  to  prove  him,  in  face  of 

his  guests,  to  be  either  ignorant  or  vulgar.  If  cither 
a  lady  or  gentleman  is  invited  to  take  wine  at  table, 
they  must  never  refuse  ;  if  they  do  not  drink,  they  need 


184  ETIQUETTE   OP   THE   DINXEIMABLB. 

only  touch  the  wine  to  their  lips.  Do  not  offer  to 
help  a  lady  to  wine  until  you  see  she  has  finished  her 
soup  or  fish. 

It  is  considered  well  bred  to  take  the  same  wine  as 
that  selected  by  the  person  with  whom  you  drink. 
When,  however,  the  wine  chosen  by  him  is  unpalatable 
to  you,  it  is  allowable  to  take  that  which  you  prefer, 
at  the  same  time  apologizingly  saying,  "  will  you  per- 
mit me  to  drink  claret  ?"  or  whatever  wine  you  have 
selected. 

In  inviting  a  gentleman  to  take  wine  with  you  at 
table,  you  should  politely  say,  "  Shall  I  have  the  pleas- 
ure of  a  glass  of  wine  with  you  ?"  You  will  then 
either  hand  him  the  bottle  you  have  selected,  or  send 
it  by  the  waiter,  and  afterwards  fill  your  own  glass, 
when  you  will  politely  and  silently  bow  to  each  other, 
as  you  raise  the  wine  to  your  lips. 

On  raising  the  first  glass  of  wine  to  his  lips,  it  is 
customary  for  a  gentleman  to  bow  to  the  lady  of  the 
house. 

It  is  not  customary  to  propose  toasts  or  to  drink 
deep  at  a  gentleman's  family  table.  Lord  Byron  de- 
scribes "  a  largish  party,"  as  "  first  silent,  then  talky, 
then  argumentative,  then  disputatious,  then  unintelli- 
gible, then  altogethery,  then  drunk."  But  this  was 
"  a  largish  party,"  which,  it  is  to  be  hoped,  was  given 
at  a  tavern  ;  for  the  man  who  drinks  to  intoxication, 


WINE   AT  TABLE.  185 

or  to  any  considerable  degree  of  elevation,  at  a  gentle- 
man's family  table,  ought  never  to  expect  to  be  invited 
a  second  time. 

We  Americans  have  the  name  of  being  the  greatest 
drinkers  at  dinners,  but  the  English  certainly  beat  us, 
and  there  is  some  etymological  probability  that  the 
Dutch  have  considerable  claims  to  the  honor  of  being 
acknowledged  hard  drinkers.  At  least,  many  of  the 
cant  phrases  used  in  carousing  are  evidently  of  Dutch 
origin.  The  phrase  half-seas-over  is  derived  from  the 
Dutch  op  zee,  which  means  over  sea,  and  was  the  name 
given  to  an  inebriating  beer  introduced  into  England 
from  Holland,  and  was  called  op  zee.  The  word  ca- 
roa.se  is  derived  from  the  name  of  a  large  glass,  called 
by  the  Danes  rouse.  The  famous  drinking-phrase, 
"  Hip,  hip,  hurra !"  originated  in  the  Crusades,  it  being 
a  corruption  of  "  II.  E.  P.,"  the  initial  of  Hierosolyma 
est  perdita  (Jerusalem  is  lost),  the  motto  on  the  banner 
of  Peter  the  Hermit,  whose  followers  hunted  Jews 
down  with  the  cry  of  "  Hip,  hip,  hurra  I" 

At  dinner-parties  which  are  given  to  gentlemen,  for 
the  purpose  of  conviviality,  one  may  indulge  in  as 
much  wine  as  he  pleases,  provided  he  does  not  get 
drunk,  and  make  a  nuisance  of  himself.  Where  drink- 
ing, and  toasting,  and  bumpers,  are  the  order  of  the 
feast,  as  at  a  public  dinner,  given  in  honor  of  a  distin- 
guished man.  or  at  the  inauguration  of  some  public 
enterprise,  far  Crater  latitude  is  allowed,  in  all  tilings, 
than  on  more  private  and  select  occasions.  Where 


186  ETIQUETTE   OF   THE   DINNER-TABLE. 

mirth  and  general  hilarity  are  demanded,  deep  drink- 
ing is  expected.  Wine  is  a  great  sharpener  of  men's 
wits.  It  was  said  of  Addison's  excellent  nature,  that 
"  it  ran  over  when  heated  with  wine,  and  he  shone  with 
the  wit  of  Terence  when  in  company  with  Scipio  and 
Laclius  ;"  exemplifying  the  poet's  simile  of  the  flying- 
fish,  which  soars  highest  when  its  wings  are  wet. 

It  is,  however,  the  first  care  of  a  well-bred  man 
never  to  drink  beyond  his  self-control  at  table,  where 
the  comfort  of  the  whole  party  is  so  much  dependent 
upon  the  propriety  of  every  one  present.  But,  whenever 
a  gentleman  has  the  misfortune  to  forget  himself,  as 
sometimes  will  happen,  every  other  gentleman  will  do 
all  in  his  power  to  make  the  best  of  the  accident. 
Charles  II.  dined  with  the  citizens  of  London  the 
year  that  Sir  Robert  Viner  was  mayor,  who,  getting 
elated  with  continually  toasting  the  royal  family,  grew 
a  little  fond  of  his  majesty.  "  The  king  understood 
very  well  how  to  extricate  himself  in  all  kinds  of  diffi- 
culty, and  with  a  hint  to  the  company  to  avoid  cere- 
mony, stole  off  and  made  towards  his  coach,  which 
stood  ready  for  him  in  Guildhall  yard.  But  the 
mayor  liked  his  company  so  well,  and  was  grown  so 
intimate,  that  he  pursued  him  hastily,  and,  catching 
him  fast  by  the  hand,  cried  out  with  a  vehement  oath 
and  accent,  '  Sir,  you  shall  stay  and  take  t'other  bot- 
tle !'  The  polite  monarch  looked  kindly  at  him  over 
his  shoulder,  and,  with  a  smile  and  graceful  air,  re- 
peated this  line  of  the  old  song  : 

'He  that  is  drunk  is  as  great  as  a  king;' 


WINE   AT   TABLE.  137 

and  immediately  returned  back  and  complied  with  his 
landlord." 

Do  not  praise  bad  wine,  for  it  will  persuade  tfiose 
who  are  judges  that  you  are  an  ignoramus  or  a  flat- 
terer. On  the  other  hand,  avoid  seeming  to  notice 
that  it  is  bad,  unless  the  host  calls  attention  to  it  him- 
self. There  is  an  anecdote  of  a  man,  who,  being  in- 
vited by  Sir  Thomas  Grouts,  who  was  proud  of  his  wine, 
to  take  a  second  glass  of  his"  old  East  India/'  replied, 
"  One  was  a  dose — had  rather  not  double  the  cape ;" 
and,  at  the  first  glass  of  champagne,  he  inquired 
whether  there  had  been  a  plentiful  crop  of  gooseberries 
last  year.* 

As  wine  is  a  very  common  subject  of  discussion  at 
table,  it  is  quite  necessary  that  every  gentleman  should 
be  able  to  converse  understandingly  upon  the  charac- 
ter and  quality  of  the  various  wines  in  use.  It  is  very 
embarrassing  to  be  called  upon  for  an  opinion  and 
not  be  able  to  give  one  ;  and  it  is  still  worse  to  betray 
one's  ignorance  on  the  subject  of  conversation.  Be- 
sides, ignorance  of  the  history  and  quality  of  wines 
may  impress  gentlemen  with  the  idea  that  you  have 
not  been  much  in  good  company. 

*  There  is  a  great  deal  of  champagne  made  of  gooseberries 
in  England. 


188  ETIQUETTE    OP   THE   DINXER-TABLE. 

THE   AGE    OF   WINES. 

It  is  a  great  error,  and  one  which  prevails  exten- 
sively, to  suppose  that  great  age  is  necessary  to  the 
goodness  of  wine.  The  quality  of  the  vintage  has  far 
more  to  do  with  the  excellence  of  the  wine  than  the 
number  of  years  it  has  been  kept.  Port  wine,  of  u 
good  vintage,  is  best  when  not  more  than  ten  years 
old.  Hocks  and  clarets,  indeed,  will  not  keep  till  old. 
Champagne  is  best  at  from  three  to  five  years  old. 
So  that  the  phrase  "  old  wine  "  has  no  such  wonderful 
charm  for  the  well-informed. 


HOW  TO  KNOW  GOOD 

All  wines  made  out  of  the  juice  ©f  the  grape  possess 
a  peculiar  bouquet,  or  powerful  odor,  which  is  quite 
unmistakable  to  an  experienced  wine-drinker.  This 
characteristic  bouquet  depends  upon  the  presence  of 
tenant-hie  ether,  which  is  produced  by  the  fermentation 
of  the  juice  of  the  grape,  and  is,  therefore,  relied  upon 
as  one  of  the  general  proofs  that  the  wine  is  made  of 
grapes.  By  comparing  the  bouquet  of  a  bottle  of  real 
grape  wine,  with  one  made  of  cider,  gooseberries,  or 
any  other  juice,  you  will  soon  educate  your  nose  to  be 
a  tolerable  detector  of  bad  wine. 

Immature  red  wines  are  remarkably  bright  and  red, 
in  consequence  of  the  presence  of  phosphoric  and  other 


POET   WINE.  18'J 

acids,  which  are  subdued  when  the  wine  has  obtained 
a  proper  age.  In  perfectly  ripe  wines  this  intense 
brightness  is  changed  into  a  mellow,  rich,  and  tawny 
hue,  that  is  considered  a  sign  of  maturity  in  all  red 
wines.  But,  alas  !  this  is  no  longer  an  infallible  sign, 
for  art  has  discovered  the  means  of  counterfeiting  the 
golden  light  and  mellow  brown  which  used  to  be  a 
sure  guide  in  the  choice  of  port  and  claret.  After  all, 
an  experienced  taste  is  about  the  only  sure  guide  to  the 
selection  of  good  wines. 


PORT  WINE. 

Pure  port  wine  is  undoubtedly  "  one  of  the  most 
healthy  of  all  vinous  liquors  :  it  strengthens  the  mus- 
cular system,  assists  the  digestive  powers,  accelerates 
the  circulation,  exhilarates  the  spirits,  and  sharpens 
the  mental  energies."  But.  alas !  such  a  thing  as  pure 
port  is  never  found  in  this  country.  It  can  never  be 
had  here  without  an  admixture  of  brandy  ;  as  other- 
wise it  would  not  keep.  A  great  deal  of  cheap  French 
wine  is  sold  here  for  port,  and  a  great  deal  of  a  poi 
sonous  drug  is  manufactured  here  and  sold  under  the 
abused  and  prostituted  name  of  port  wine.  Doctor 
little  imagine  what  they  are  doing  when  they  recom- 
mend their  patients  to  "  drink  port  wine."  There  aro 
very  few  of  the  most  vigorous  constitutions  that  can 
stand  the  assaults  of  the  poisonous  compound  which  is 
generally  sold  for  port  wine  in  this  country  Wbcn 


190  ETIQUETTE    OF   THE   DINNER-TABLE. 

real  port  wine  loses  its  stringency,  and  acquires  a 
slightly  acid  taste,  it  is  unwholesome,  and  is  unfit  for 
use  except  by  a  person  who  is  ambitious  to  get  the 
gout. 


CHAMPAGNE. 

The  faculty  of  Paris  in  1778  pronounced  champagne 
to  be  the  finest  and  healthiest  of  all  wines  ;  and,  ex- 
cept in  cases  of  weak  digestion,  is*,  if  pure,  one  of  the 
safest  wines  that  can  be  drank.  It  is  the  king  of 
wines  at  the  convivial  board  in  the  United  States — so 
much  so,  that  when  "  a  bottle  of  wine  "  is  proposed 
it  is  understood  to  be  champagne,  unless  some  other 
name  is  expressly  given.  "  Its  intoxicating  effects  are 
rapid,  but  exceedingly  transient,  and  depend  partly 
upon  the  carbonic  acid,  which  is  evolved  from  it,  and 
partly  upon  the  alcohol,  which  is  suspended  in  this 
gas,  being  applied  rapidly  and  extensively  to  a  large 
surface  of  the  stomach."  The  idea  that  champagne 
produces  gout  is  sufficiently  refuted  by  the  fact  that 
the  disease  is  very  little  known  in  the  province  where 
the  wine  is  made.  But  it  is,  undoubtedly,  to  be  avoided 
in  cases  where  the  disorder  already  exists,  especially 
if  it  has  been  produced  by  the  too  free  use  of  strong 
liquors. 

It  is  a  mistaken  idea  that  champagne  must  be  swal- 
lowed as  soon  as  possible  after  it  is  uncorked.  If  it 


CHAMPAGNE.  191 

is  really  champagne  it  improves  by  letting  it  stand  a 
little,  as  after  the  gas  has  partly  escaped  it  will  en- 
tirely retain  the  body  and  flavor  of  the  wine,  which  is, 
to  some  extent,  concealed  by  its  effervescence.  Lovers 
of  champagne  do  not  drink  it  until  its  active  efferves- 
cence is  a  little  over.  A  good  way  to  test  the  quality 
of  champagne,  is  to  let  it  stand  till  the  gas  has  con- 
siderably escaped  and  see  if  it  then  possesses  the  rich 
body  and  aroma  of  wine.  That  fatal  poison  which  is 
manufactured  in  such  immense  quantities  in  this  coun- 
try out  of  cider  and  cheap  Rhine  wine,  and  almost  in- 
variably served  up  as  champagne  at  political  dinners, 
will  not  stand  the  above  test.  And  it  is  no  wonder 
that  those  who  have  drank  only  this  abominable  d  rug, 
should  hold  champagne  to  be  an  unhealthy  wine.  The 
English  make  a  tolerable  counterfeit  champagne  of  the 
juice  of  rhubarb  leaf-stocks  and  green  gooseberries. 

We  often  hear  those  who  are  most  oppressively 
wise,  in  their  own  conceits,  attempt  to  display  their 
wisdom  by  referring  to  the  small  geographical  bounda- 
ries of  the  champagne  country,  and  shrewdly  deducing 
therefrom  that  not  enough  of  champagne  can  be  made 
to  allow  a  single  bottle  to  be  imported  to  this  coun- 
try. But,  for  all  that,  the  species  of  wine  known  as 
champagne  is  manufactured  all  over  the  south  of 
Europe  of  as  excellent  a  quality  as  that  produced  in 
the  district  of  champagne,  and  a  vast  deal  of  this 
genuine  wine  is  imported  to  this  country. 

One  of  the  most  distinguished  political  editors  in 


1  -)2  ETIQUETTE   OP   THE   DINNER-TABLE. 

the  United  States,  who  has  "  conscientious  scruples  " 
against  the  use  of  wine,  is  in  the  habit  of  making  him- 
self agreeable  at  table  by  picking  up  the  champagne 
corks  and  pointing  out  to  all  the  guests  that  the  name 
of  the  brand  upon  the  end  of  the  cork  is  printed  in 
American  type.     At  great  political  dinners,  where  a 
contract  is  made  with  landlords  and  public  caterers  to 
furnish  the  wine,  it  is  very  likely  that  the  impress  of 
American  type  may  be  found  on  the  ends  of  the  corks  ; 
but  that  does  not,  by  any  means,  prove  that  there  is 
not  plenty  of  real  champagne  imported  into  this  coun- 
try.    Just  as  good  champagne  can  be  found  here  as  at 
Rheims.     But  your  only  protection  is  the  character  of 
the  house  of  which  you  buy.     Just  as  good  wine  can 
be  provided  in  the  remotest  inland  towns  of  America 
as  can  be  had  in  Paris  or  Bordeaux.     We  have  tasted 
as  great  a  variety  of  the  finest  wines  at  the  house  of 
Thomas  Andrews,  Esq.,  in  the  city  of  Chicago,  as  can 
be  found  in  any  city  on  the  continent  of  Europe. 
And  there  is  one  importing  house  in  New  York,  Brit- 
ton  &  Co.,  No.  11  Broad  street,  which  imports,  on  an 
average,  ten  thousand  baskets  a  year  of  the  Moet  and 
Chandon  champagnes,  which  are,  perhaps,  the  finest 
of  all  the  various  brands  of  champagnes  ;    and  thus 
here,  in  New  York,  we  have  the  best  genuine  cham- 
pagnes that  are  made  in  Europe.     Of  these  brands  the 
Grand  Imperial,  or  green  seal,  is  perhaps  the  finest, 
though  many  choose  the  Bouzy  Cabinet.     The  Fleur 
de  Bouzy,  imported  by  the  above-named  house,  sells 
for  the  same  price  as  the  Heidsick,  and  is  a  better 
wine  than  even  this  favorite  old  brand.     And  if  a  sin 


BURGUNDY — CLARET.  193 

gle  house  imports  ten  thousand  baskets  yearly,  what 
must  be  the  amount  of  genuine  champagne  which  is 
brought  to  this  country  by  all  the  great  importing 
houses  ?  Probably  it  is  not  too  much  to  say  that  two 
millions  of  baskets  are  imported  yearly. 


BURGUNDY. 

"  Burgundy  is  stronger  than  clarets,  possesses  a 
powerful  aroma,  and  a  delicious  and  lasting  flavor." 
But  when  it  arrives  in  this  country  it  is  generally 
brandied,  which  is  most  injurious  to  its  flavor  and 
smell.  Pure  Burgundy  is  a  very  delicate  wine,  that  is 
not  very  common  in  the  United  States.  A  very  fine 
sparkling  Burgundy  was  a  great  favorite  at  the  Revere 
House  in  Boston,  some  years  ago,  but  the  wine  is  not, 
we  think,  generally  known  in  this  country. 


CLARET. 

Claret  wine  is  a  great  favorite  in  this  country,  in 
hot  weather  especially.  The  slightest  and  most  palat- 
able and  aromatic  of  the  clarets,  the  St.  Julien,  La 
Rose,  and  Bouillac.  The  Chateaux-margau  is  a  de- 
licious claret,  which  has  the  perfume  of  the  violet,  and 
possesses  a  rich  ruby  color.  "  The  Plant  Brion  has  a 
9 


104-  ETIQUETTE   OP   THE   DINNEH-TABLE. 

powerful  bouquet,  resembling  a  mixture  of  violets  and 
raspberries."  La  Tour  and  Lafitte  have  both  a  bou- 
quet and  taste  of  violets.  Clarets  are  chiefly  shipped 
from  Bordeaux,  and  the  most  of  those  above-named 
are  from  the  neighboring  districts  of  Medoc.  The 
unmixed  Bordeaux  claret  is  the  safest  and  best  for 
ordinary  use  :  it  is  light,  agreeable,  gently  exhilara- 
ting, and  an  excellent  quencher  of  thirst. 


GERMAN   WINES. 

Hock  wines  are  great  favorites  in  hot  weather.  The 
most  popular  of  the  Rhine  wines  are  the  Johannisberg 
and  the  Steinberg,  which  are  alike  admired  for  their 
delicious  flavor  and  exquisite  bouquet. 

Among  the  best  second  class  Rhine  wine  are  the 
Rudesheim,  Markobrunner,  and  Rothenberg.  Hock- 
heim,  which  grows  on  the  banks  of  the  Main,  ranks 
equally  with  these.  The  frightful  names  of  these  Ger- 
man wines  generally  follow  the  cognomen  of  the  place 
where  they  are  produced. 

The  favorite  wines  of  the  Germans  themselves  are 
generally  the  delicately  flavored  Moselles  :  Grunhauser 
and  Scharrberger  are  called  the  "  Nectar  of  the  Mo- 
selle." A  very  fine  German  wine,  called  Straw  wine, 
is  made  of  grapes  so  ripe  that  they  require  no  press- 


SHERRIES.  1  jf> 

ing,  but  the  juice  distills  through  clean  wheaten  straw, 
and  imbibes  its  color.  It  is  a  very  expensive  wine, 
and  is  not  much  known  in  this  country. 


SHERRIES. 

Brande  says,  "  Sherry,  of  due  age  and  in  good  con- 
dition, is  a  fine,  perfect,  and  wholesome  wine ;  free 
from  excess  of  acid,  and  possessing  a  dr}*,  aromatic 
flavor  and  fragrancy  ;  but,  as  produced  in  ordinary 
market,  it  is  of  fluctuating  and  anomalous  quality, 
often  destitute  of  all  aroma,  and  tasting  of  little  else 
than  alcohol  and  water."  Almost  all  the  sherry  wine 
in  common  use  in  this  country  is  of  the  latter  descrip- 
tion ;  and  those  served  at  the  hotels  in  England  are, 
if  possible,  still  worse,  notwithstanding  sherry  is  the 
favorite  dinner  wine  of  that  country. 

The  best  sherries  are  the  pale  and  light  golden  wines, 
made  of  the  Xeres  grape ;  though  it  is  not  safe  to  judge 
of  sherry  by  its  color,  for  art  has  instructed  how  to 
give  the  most  inferior  wine  the  delicate  hue  of  the  gen- 
uine article.  The  finest  sherry  is  the  Amontillado  ; 
but  it  is  very  rare,  and  let  no  man  flatter  himself  that 
he  often  feasts  his  eyes  or  his  palate  upon  it,  in  this 
country.  In  England,  sherry  is  the  dinner  wine,  but 
the  Americans  follow  more  in  the  French  custom,  and 
use  it  as  a  vin  de  liqueur. 


10G  ETIQUETTE   OF  THE   DINNER-TABLE. 

MADEIRA. 

Madeira  is  a  delightful  wine,  if  we  could  only  ever 
get  any  of  it.  But  let  no  happy  enthusiast  deceive 
himself  with  the  delusive  bliss  that  he  is  drinking  pure 
Madeira.  So  destructive  has  been  the  disease  of  the 
vine  in  Madeira  for  many  years,  that  such  an  event  as 
any  of  its  charming  wine  reaching  this  country  is  not 
to  be  hoped  for. 

We  are  told,  that  when  the  celebrated  Malmsey  is 
stored  in  the  cellars,  the  following  benediction  is  pro- 
nounced over  it :  "  Lord  God,  thou  who  lovest  man- 
kind, direct  thine  eyes  to  this  wine,  and  those  who 
shall  drink  it :  bless  our  vessels,  thrice  blessed  as  the 
walls  of  Jacob,  and  the  pool  of  Siloam,  and  as  thou 
hast  blessed  this  drink  of  the  apostles.  0  Lord !  thou 
who  wast  present  at  the  wedding  at  Cana,  and  by 
changing  the  water  into  wine,  revealed  thy  glory  to 
thy  disciples,  send  thy  Holy  Spirit  on  this  wine,  and 
bless  it  in  thy  name."  This  benediction  certainly  shows 
us  the  great  value  which  is  placed  upon  good  wine  in 
that  country.  - 


AMERICAN   WINES. 


An  English  author  of  an  interesting  work  on  the 
culture  of  wine,  says  of  our  American  wines  :  "  In  com- 


AMERICAN   WINES.  197 

paring  these  wines  with  those  of  Europe,  we  must  bear 
in  mind  that  they  are  distinct  in  flavor  from  any  or  all 
of  them.  It  is  their  peculiarity  that  no  spurious  com- 
pound can  be  made  to  imitate  them,  and  in  purity  and 
delicacy  there  is  no  known  wine  to  equal  them." 

Our  still  Catawba  has  the  lowest  percentage  of  alco- 
hol of  any  wine  in  the  world.  The  most  expensive 
wine  in  Europe,  Tokay,  has  9.85  per  cent,  of  spirit, 
while  our  Catawba  has  only  9.50, 

The  best  champagne  made  in  the  United  States  is 
Werke's  sparkling  Isabella,  unless  it  is  equalled  by  the 
sparkling  wine  of  Missouri ;  which  is,  certainly,  one 
of  the  lightest  and  finest  champagnes  we  have  ever 
tasted.  Werke's  sparkling  Catawba,  which  is  not 
equal  in  delicacy  of  flavor  to  his  Isabella,  is  preferred 
by  lovers  of  champagne  to  Longworth's  wine  of  the 
same  name. 

The  El  Paso  and  mustang  wines  of  Texas  are  very 
fine.  The  mustang  grape  yields  a  wine  hardly  distin- 
guishable from  the  best  port.  All  the  first  class  Ameri- 
can wines  are  quite  equal  to  the  best  imported  wines, 
and  they  are,  generally,  much  cheaper.  Werke's  spark- 
ling wines,  when  they  can  be  had,  are  furnished  at  two 
dollars  a  bottle  at  the  hotels,  while  the  best  imported 
champagnes  cost  two  dollars  and  fifty  cents  or  three 
dollars  a  bottle. 


198  ETIQUETTE   OP   THE   DINNER-TABLE. 


THE   ART    OF   DRINKING   WINE. 

The  old  Romans  had  a  practice  of  eating  cheese  to 
bring  out  the  flavor  of  the  wine,  a  custom  which  pre- 
vails in  England  at  the  present  vame,  and  is  not  un- 
known in  the  United  States. 

Wine-drinkers  vary  their  choice  of  wines  to  suit  the 
seasons ;  selecting  light  wines  for  summer,  and  those 
having  more  body  and  strength  for  winter.  Thus,  in 
summer,  hock,  claret,  Burgundy,  Rhineish,  and  hermi- 
tage are  generally  in  vogue ;  and  in  cold  weather, 
port,  sherry,  and  Madeira  have  their  day. 

Some  are  so  fanciful  in  their  use  of  wines,  that  they 
will  drink  only  white  wine  with  white  meats,  and  red 
wine  with  brown  meats  ;  light  wine  with  light  dishes, 
and  stronger  wines  with  more  substantial  food. 


o 


At  table,  in  France,  red  wines  almost  always  pre- 
cede the  white.  In  England  and  America,  also,  red 
wines  usually  open  the  repast ;  after  which  the  spark- 
ling and  exhilarating  champagne  keeps  up  the  good 
temper  of  the  merry  guests.  In  America,  especially, 
champagne  is  now  always  taken  with  the  meats  ;  and 
then  a  glass  of  sherry  usually  closes  the  feast,  so  far  as 
the  wine  is  concerned,  unless  a  glass  of  brandy  and 
svater  follows  it. 

If  you  invite  a  friend  or  two  to  a.  quiet  dinner  at 


THE   ART   OP    DRINKING   WINE.  199 

your  hotel,  or  at  your  own  house,  a  genteel  and  suffi- 
cient course  of  wine  is  to  open  the  dinner,  after  the 
soup  or  fish — a  bottle  of  claret,  or  any  light  wine, 
to  be  followed  by  champagne — and  then  close  the  din- 
ner with  a  cup  of  strong  coffee,  without  the  introduc- 
tion of  any  other  kind  of  wine.  The  producing  of  a 
great  variety  of  wines  at  a  quiet  visiting  dinner-party 
looks  like  an  ostentatious  display,  and  is  not  usually 
practised  by  gentlemen  in  this  country.  "It  is  but  a 
vulgar  notion  which  associates  expense  with  gentility." 

Wine-coolers  are  indispensable  in  hot  weather,  as 
the  practice  of  putting  ice  into  the  glass  with  the  wine 
is  sure  to  destroy  the  fine  aroma  and  delicious  taste  of 
all  the  choicest  wines.  Claret  which  is  kept  in  a  cel- 
lar, needs  no  cooling ;  and  in  winter,  wine-drinkers 
usually  place  it  near  the  fire  before  uncorking,  as 
without  a  moderate  degree  of  warmth  it  lacks  the  soft 
and  delicious  flavor  which  makes  the  chief  merit  of  this 
wine.  Champagne,  in  summer,  needs  cooling,  until 
it  is  brought  to  the  temperature  of  the  coldest  spring 
water. 


THE 


AMERICAN  CODE  OF  POLITENESS, 


DEFINITION  OF  POLITENESS  AND  ETIQUETTE. 

POLITENESS  has  been  defined  as  "  an  artificial  good- 
nature ; "  but  it  would  be  better  said  that  good-nature 
is  natural  politeness.  It  inspires  us  with  an  unremit- 
ting attention,  both  to  please  others  and  to  avoid 
giving  them  offence.  Its  code  is  a  ceremonial,  agreed 
upon  and  established^,  among  mankind,  to  give  each 
other  external  testimonies  of  friendship  or  respect. 
Politeness  and  etiquette  form  a  sort  of  supplement  to 
the  law,  which  enables  society  to  protect  itself  against 
offences  which  the  law  cannot  touch.  For  instance, 
the  law  cannot  punish  a  man  for  habitually  staring  at 
people  in  an  insolent  and  annoying  manner,  but  eti- 
quette can  banish  such  an  offender  from  the  circles  of 
good  society,  and  fix  upon  him  the  brand  of  vulgarity 
Etiquette  consists  in  certain  forms,  ceremonies,  and 
rules  which  the  principle  of  politeness  establishes  and 
enforces  for  the  regulation  of  the  manners  of  men  and 
women  in  their  intercourse  with  each  other. 

Trivial  as  these  rules  and  ceremonies  may  appear  to 
the  unreflecting,  nearly  all  the  happiness  which  man 

(200) 


GENERAL   RULES    OF   POLITENESS.  201 

derives  from  society  depends  upon  them.  The  scholar, 
without  good  breeding,  is  a  pedant ;  the  philosopher, 
a  cynic  ;  the  soldier,  a  brute ;  and  every  man  dis- 
agreeable. 

The  principle  of  politeness  is  the  same  among  all 
nations,  but  the  ceremonials  which  etiquette  imposes 
differ  according  to  the  taste  and  habits  of  various 
countries.  For  instance,  many  of  the  minor  rules  of 
etiquette  at  Paris  differ  from  those  at  London  ;  and  at 
New  York  they  may  differ  from  both  Paris  and  Lon- 
don. But  still  the  polite  of  every  country  have  about 
the  same  manners.  The  recent  visit  of  the  Japanese 
embassy  to  this  country  proved  to  us  that  a  gentleman 
in  Japan  differs  but  little,  except  in  trifles,  from  a  gen- 
tleman in  America. 


GENERAL  RULES  OF  POLITENESS. 

The  true  aim  of  politeness,  is  to  make  those  with 
whom  you  associate  as  well  satisfied  with  themselves 
as  possible.  It  does  not,  by  any  means,  encourage  an 
impudent  self-importance  in  them,  but  it  does  whatever 
it  can  to  accommodate  their  feelings  and  wishes  in 
social  intercourse.  Politeness  is  a  sort  of  social  be- 
nevolence, which  avoids  wounding  the  pride,  or  shock- 
ing the  prejudices  of  those  around  you. 

In  conversation  everything  should  be  avoided  that 


202  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   POLITENESS. 

will  have  a  tendency  to  remind  any  one  who  is  in  the 
company  of  past  or  present  troubles,  or  which  can 
cause  uneasiness  of  any  kind  to  any  individual. 

Any  conversation  (that  is  not  interdicted  by  de- 
cency and  propriety)  which  can  be  pleasing  to  the 
whole  company,  is  desirable.  Amusement,  more  than 
instruction  even,  is  to  be  sought  for  in  social  par- 
ties. People  are  not  supposed  to  come  together 
on  such  occasion  because  they  are  ignorant  and 
need  teaching,  but  to  seek  amusement  and  relax- 
ation from  professional  and  daily  cares.  All  the  Eng- 
lish books  on  etiquette  tell  you  that  "  Punning  is 
scrupulously  to  be  avoided  as  a  species  of  ale-house 
wit,"  and  a  savage  remark  of  Dr.  Johnson  is  usually 
quoted  on  the  subject.  But  punning  is  no  more  to  be 
avoided  than  any  other  kind  of  wit ;  and  if  all  wit  is 
to  be  banished  from  the  social  circle  it  will  be  left  a 
stupid  affair  indeed.  All  kinds  of  wit,  puns  by  no 
means  excepted,  give  a  delightful  relish  to  social  par- 
ties when  they  spring  up  naturally  and  spontaneously 
out  of  the  themes  of  conversation.  But  for  a  man  to 
be  constantly  straining  himself  to  make  jokes  is  to 
make  himself  ridiculous,  and  to  annoy  the  whole  com- 
pany, and  is,  therefore,  what  no  gentleman  will  be 
guilty  of. 

"Whatever  passes  in  parties  at  your  own  or  another's 
house  is  never  repeated  by  well-bred  people.  Things 
of  no  moment,  and  which  are  meant  only  as  harmless 
jokes,  are  liable  to  produce  unpleasant  consequences 


GENERAL  RULES.  203 

if  repeated.  To  repeat,  therefore,  any  conversation 
which  passes  on  such  occasions,  is  understood  to  be  a 
breach  of  confidence,  which  should  banish  the  offender 
from  the  pale  of  good  society. 

If  it  is  ever  your  fortune  to  confer  a  favor,  the  ut- 
most delicacy  is  required  in  bestowing  it,  to  prevent 
its  being  an  insult  to  the  one  who  receives  it.  You 
may  bestow  your  favors  in  such  a  manner  as  to  have 
it  almost  appear  that  you  are  the  obliged  party.  Indeed, 
you  i.iay  say  this  :  "  You  will  confer  a  very  great  fa- 
vor upon  me  by  accepting,"  &c.  A  benefit  conferred 
as  a  Charity  is  an  insult. 

If  you  are  fond  of  joking,  be  very  cautious  how  you 
let  your  arrows  fly  before  you  are  sure  of  your  com- 
pany. Many  people  cannot  take  a  joke,  nor  give  one, 
and  *o  try  your  wits  on  one  so  unarmed  would  be  liko 
offering  to  wrestle  with  a  cripple.  And,  besides,  those 
in  t"e  company  who  are  constitutionally  unable  to 
comprehend  a  witticism  would  start  at  you  with  in- 
quisitorial wonder,  and  if  they  do  not  annoy  you,  they, 
will  show  that  you  have  puzzled  and  disturbed  them. 

In  a  mixed  company,  never  speak  to  your  friend  of 
a  matter  which  the  rest  do  not  understand,  unless  it  is 
Fomething  which  you  can  explain  to  them,  and  which 
may  be  made  interesting  to  the  whole  party. 

A  gentleman  will,  by  all  means,  avoid  showing  hit* 
learning  and  accomplishments  in  the  presence  of  igno 


204  THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OF   POLITENESS. 

rant  and  vulgar  people,  who  can,  by  no  possibility, 
understand  or  appreciate  them.  It  is  a  pretty  sure 
sign  of  bad  breeding  to  set  people  to  staring  and  feel- 
ing uncomfortable. 

Do.\not  talk  too  loud  in  company.  It  is  presump- 
tion for  you  to  take  it  for  granted  that  everybody 
present  is  anxious  to  listen  to  you,  and  you  may,  be- 
sides, disturb  the  conversation  already  going  on  be- 
tween others.  You  will  also,  if  possible,  avoid  talk- 
ing to  any  one  across  the  room.  If  you  have  some- 
thing particular  to  say  to  an  individual,  wait  until 
you  can  get  an  opportunity  to  seat  yourself  by  his 
side. 

In  England,  it  is  regarded  a  breach  of  etiquette  to 
repeat  the  name  of  any  person  with  whom  you  are 
conversing.  But  the  same  rule  does  not  hold  in  Amer- 
ica. Here  it  is  deemed  no  breach,  if  you  are  con- 
versing with  a  lady  by  the  name  of  Johnson,  to  say, 
"  Well,  Mrs.  Johnson,  do  you  not  think,"  etc. 

In  this  country,  poor  people  often  become  suddenly 
rich  ;  but  if  they  possess  any  of  tho  instincts  of  polite- 
ness, they  will  carefully  avoid  putting  on  airs,  or  try- 
ing to  show  off  in  the  presence  of  their  former  poor 
acquaintances.  If  they  do  so,  it  only  proves  that  the 
acquisition  of  wealth  has  not  cured  them  of  their  vul- 
garity, but  only  helped  them  to  make  a  more  conspicu- 
ous and  insulting  exhibition  of  it.  I  was  once  at  a 
brilliant  party  in  New  York,  where  a  man  who  had 


GENERAL   RULES.  205 

acquired  great  wealth  by  the  business  of  a  scavenger, 
was  continually  drawing  comparisons  between  the 
house  and  furniture  of  our  host  and  his  own.  For- 
tunately, I  have  never  since  met  the  beast  in  polite 
society.  It  is  to  be  Jioped  that  that  was  his  first  and 
last  appearance. 

Palpable  flattery  is,  on  all  occasions,  a  great  insult. 
And  yet  flattery  is  a  great  sweetener  of  social  life,  if 
one  has  the  knowledge  of  the  human  heart,  and  the 
skill  to  use  it  without  abusing  it.  Your  coloring 
must  be  as  subtle  and  delicate  as  the  "  faintest  blush 
on  the  Provence  rose."  But  there  is  one  kind  of  flat- 
tery which  is  the  most  seductive,  the  most  pleasing  and 
gratifying  of  all,  and  which  can  at  all  times  be  safely 
used — I  mean  the  flattery  of  attention — which  is  always 
soothing  to  our  vanity,  and  is  one  of  the  cardinal  vir- 
tues of  good  breeding. 

By  all  means,  avoid  the  use  of  slang  terms  and 
phrases  in  polite  company.  No  greater  insult  can 
be  offered  to  polite  society  than  to  repeat  the  slang 
dictation  of  bar-rooms  and  other  low  places.  If 
you  are  willing  to  have  it  known  that  you  are  familiar 
with  such  company  yourself,  you  have  no  right  to 
treat  a  party  of  ladies  and  gentlemen  as  though  they 
were,  too. 

There  is  no  surer  sign  of  vulgarity  than  the  perpet- 
ual boasting  of  the  fine  things  you  have  at  home.  If 


20G  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OP   POLITENESS. 

you  speak  of  you  silver,  of  your  jewelry,  of  your 
costly  apparel,  it  will  be  taken  for  a  sign  that  you  are 
either  lying,  or  that  you  were,  not  long  ago,  some- 
body's washer  woman,  and  cannot  forget  to  be  remind- 
ing everybody  that  you  are  not  so  now. 

There  is  a  sort  of  accidental  and  altogether  equivo- 
cal type  of  city  women,  who  never  get  into  the  coun- 
try, but  they  employ  their  time  in  trying  to  astonish 
the  country  people  with  narrations  of  the  fine  things 
they  left  behind  them  in  the  city.  If  they  have  a  dirty 
little  closet,  with  ten  valueless  books  in  it,  they  will 
call  it  their  library.  If  they  have  some  small  room, 
that  is  used  as  kitchen,  parlor,  and  dining-room,  they 
will  magnify  it  into  a  drawing-room.  And  a  hundred 
other  little  signs  of  their  great  vulgarity  they  will  con- 
stantly insist  on  exhibiting  to  their  country  auditors. 

Do  not  dispute  in  a  party  of  ladies  and  gentlemen. 
If  a  gentleman  advances  an  opinion  which  is  different 
from  ideas  you  are  known  to  entertain,  either  appear 
not  to  have  heard  it,  or  differ  with  him  as  gently  as 
possible.  You  will  not  say,  "  Sir,  you  are  mistaken !" 
"  Sir,  you  are  wrong !"  or  that  you  "  happen  to  know 
better  ;"  but  you  will  rather  use  some  such  phrase  as, 
"  Pardon  me — if  I  am  not  mistaken,"  etc.  This  will 
give  him  a  chance  to  say  some  such  civil  thing  as  that 
he  regrets  to  disagree  with  you  ;  and  if  he  has  not  tho 
good  manners  to  do  it,  you  have,  at  any  rate,  estab- 
lished your  own  manners  as  those  of  a  gentleman  in 
the  eyes  of  the  company.  And  when  you  have  done 


GENERAL  RULES.  201 

that,  you  need  not  trouble  yourself  about  any  opinions 
be  may  advance  contrary  to  your  own. 

If  you  find  yourself  in  a  company  which  violently 
abuses  an  absent  friend  of  yours,  you  need  not  feel 
that  you  are  called  upon  to  take  up  the  club  for  him. 
You  will  do  better  by  saying  mildly  that  they  must 
have  been  misinformed — that  you  are  proud  to  call 
him  your  friend,  which  you  could  not  do  if  you  did  not 
know  him  to  be  incapable  of  such  things  as  they  had 
heard.  After  this,  if  they  are  gentlemen,  they  will 
stop — indeed,  if  they  had  been  gentlemen,  they  would 
hardly  have  assailed  an  absent  one  in  a  mixed  party  ; 
and  if  you  feel  constrained  to  quit  their  company,  it 
will  be  no  sacrifice  to  your  own  self-respect  or 
honor. 

If  you  are  in  company  with  a  distinguished  gentle- 
man— as  a  governor,  or  senator — you  will  not  be  per- 
petually trying  to  trot  out  his  titles,  as  it  would  make 
you  appear  like  a  lackey  or  parasite,  who,  conscious  of 
no  merits  of  your  own,  are  trying  to  lift  yourself  by 
the  company  of  others.  In  introducing  such  a  gentle- 
man, you  will  merely  call  him  "  governor,"  or  "  sena- 
tor," and  afterwards  avoid  all  allusion  to  his  rank. 

There  is  a  vulgar  custom,  too  prevalent,  of  calling 
almost  everybody  "  colonel  "  in  this  country,  of  which 
it  is  sufficient  to  say,  that  this  false  use  of  titles  pre- 
vails most  among  the  lower  ranks  of  society — a  fact 
which  sufficiently  stamps  upon  it  its  real  character. 


208  THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OF   POLITENESS. 

and  renders  it,  to  say  the  least,  a  doubtful  compliment 
to  him  who  has  no  right  to  the  title. 

The  simpler,  and  the  more  easy  and  unconstrained 
your  manners,  the  more  you  will  impress  people  of  your 
good  breeding.  Affectation  is  one  of  the  brazen  marks 
of  vulgarity. 

In  England,  it  is  a  mark  of  low  breeding  to  smoke 
in  the  public  streets.  But  in  America  the  rule  does 
not  hold  to  quite  that  extent ;  though,  even  here,  it  is 
not  often  that  you  catch  "  a  gentleman  of  the  strict- 
est sect"  in  the  street  with  a  segar  or  pipe  in  his 
mouth. 

It  is  not  deemed  polite  and  respectful  to  smoke  in 
the  presence  of  ladies,  even  though  they  are  amiable 
enough  to  permit  it.  A  gentleman,  therefore,  is  not 
in  the  habit  of  smoking  in  the  parlor,  for  if  there  is 
nobody  present  to  object,  it  leaves  a  smell  in  the  room 
which  the  wife  has  good  reason  to  be  mortified  at,  if 
discovered  by  her  guests.  For  a  man  to  go  into  the 
street  with  a  lady  on  his  arm  and  a  segar  in  his  mouth 
is  a  shocking  sight,  which  no  gentleman  will  ever  be 
guilty  of  exhibiting  ;  for  he  inevitably  subjects  the 
woman  to  the  very  worst  of  suspicions. 

A  gentleman  never  sits  in  the  house  with  his  hat  on 
in  the  presence  of  ladies  for  a  single  moment.  Indeed, 
so  strong  is  the  force  of  habit,  that  a  gentleman  will 
quite  unconsciously  remove  his  hat  on  entering  a  par- 


GENERAL   RULES.  209 

lor,  or  drawing-room,  even  if  there  is  no  one  present 
but  himself.  People  who  sit  in  the  house  with  their 
hats  on  are  to  be  suspected  of  having  spent  the  most 
of  their  time  in  bar-rooms,  and  similar  places.  A  gen- 
tleman never  sits  ivith  his  hat  on  in  the  theatre.  Gen- 
tlemen do  not  generally  sit  even  in  an  eating-room 
with  their  hats  on,  if  there  is  any  convenient  place  to 
put  them. 

The  books  on  etiquette  will  tell  you,  that  on  wait- 
ing on  a  lady  into  a  carriage,  or  the  box  of  a  theatre, 
you  are  to  take  off  your  hat ;  but  such  is  not  the  cus- 
tom among  polite  people  in  this  country.  The  incon- 
venience of  such  a  rule  is  a  good  reason  against  its 
observance  in  a  country  where  the  practice  of  polite- 
ness has  in  it  nothing  of  the  servility  which  is  often  at- 
tached to  it  in  countries  where  the  code  of  etiquette 
is  dictated  by  the  courts  of  monarchy.  In  handing  a 
lady  into  a  carriage,  a  gentleman  may  need  to  employ 
both  his  hands,  and  he  has  no  third  hand  to  hold  on 
to  his  hat. 

The  books  of  etiquette  also  tell  you,  that  if  you 
have  been  introduced  to  a  lady  and  you  afterwards 
meet  her  in  the  street,  you  must  not  bow  to  her  unless 
she  bow  first,  in  ordei ,  as  the  books  say,  that  she  may 
have  an  opportunity  to  cut  you  if  she  docs  not  wish  to 
continue  the  acquaintance.  This  is  the  English  fash- 
ion. But  en  the  continent  of  Europe  the  rule  is  re- 
versed, and  no  lady,  however  intimate  you  may  be 
with  her,  will  acknowledge  you  in  the  street  unless 


210  THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OP   POLITENESS. 

you  first  honor  her  with  a  bow  of  recognition.  But 
the  American  fashion  is  not  like  either  of  them.  For 
here  the  really  well-bred  man  always  politely  and  re- 
spectfully bows  to  every  lady  he  knows,  and,  if  she  is 
a  well-bred  woman,  she  acknowledges  the  respect  paid 
h^r.  If  she  expects  no  further  acquaintance,  her  bow 
if.  a  mere  formal,  but  always  respectful,  recognition  of 
the  good  manners  which  have  been  shown  her,  and  no 
gentleman  ever  takes  advantage  of  such  politeness  to 
push  a  further  acquaintance  uninvited.  But  why 
should  a  lady  and  gentleman,  who  know  who  each 
other  are,  scornfully  and  doggedly  pass  each  other  in 
the  streets  as  though  they  were  enemies  ?  There  is  no 
good  reason  for  such  impoliteness,  in  the  practice  of 
politeness.  As  compared  with  the  English,  the  French 
or  Continental  fashion  is  certainly  more  consonant 
with  the  rules  of  good  breeding.  But  the  American 
rule  is  better  than  either,  for  it  is  based  upon  the  ac- 
knowledged general  principle,  that  it  is  every  gentle- 
man's and  lady's  duty  to  be  polite  in  all  places.  Un- 
less parties  have  clone  something  to  forfeit  the  respect 
dictated  by  the  common  rules  of  politeness,  there 
should  be  no  deviation  from  this  practice.  It  is  a 
ridiculous  idea  that  we  are  to  practise  ill-manners  in 
the  name  of  etiquette. 

The  custom  of  raising  your  hat,  or  of  bowing  re- 
spectfully to  a  lady  or  gentleman  in  the  streets,  with 
your  hat  on,  is  practised  equally,  as  occasion  and  con- 
venience dictate,  by  well-bred  Americans.  By  a  loio 
is  not  meant  one  of  those  indifferent,  short  nods  of  the 


GENERAL   RULES.  211 

head,  generally  given  by  clowns  and  lackeys,  but  a 
genuine,  polite,  and  gentlemanly  loiv,  which  says  as  much 
as  "  your  servant,  madam." 

You  need  not  stop  to  pull  off  your  glove  to  shake 
hands  with  a  lady  or  gentleman.  If  it  is  warm 
weather  it  is  more  agreeable  to  both  parties  that  the 
glove  should  be  on — especially  if  it  is  a  lady  with 
whom  you  shake  hands,  as  the  perspiration  of  your 
bare  hand  would  be  very  likely  to  soil  her  glove. 

The  English  have  a  rule  of  etiquette,  that  if  you 
are  introduced  to  a  person  of  higher  position  in  socie- 
ty than  yourself,  you  must  never  recognize  him  when 
you  meet  until  you  see  whether  he  intends  to  notice 
you.  The  meaning  of  this  rule  is,  that  you  should  bo 
polite  to  nobody  until  you  see  whether  they  mean  to 
be  polite  to  you,  which  is  simply  refusing  politeness  in 
the  name  of  politeness  itself.  There  is  a  story  of  an 
unfortunate  clerk  of  the  Treasury,  who  dined  one  day 
at  the  Beef-steak  club,  where  he  sat  next  to  a  Duke, 
who  conversed  freely  with  him  at  dinner.  The  next 
day  meeting  the  Duke  in  the  street  he  saluted  him. 
But  his  grace,  drawing  himself  up,  said,  "  May  I  know, 
sir,  to  whom  I  have  the  honor  of  speaking  ?"  "  Why, 
we  dined  together  at  the  club  yesterday — I  am  Mr. 
Timms,  of  the  Treasury,"  was  the  reply.  "  Then," 
said  the  Duke,  turning  on  his  heel,  "  Mr.  Timms,  of 
the  Treasury,  I  wish  you  a  good-morning."  Though 
this  anecdote  is  related  in  the  English  books  as  an  ex- 
ample of  etiquette,  it  is  undoubtedly  true  that  Mr. 


212  THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OF   POLITENESS. 

Timing,  of  the  Treasury,  was  the  politest  man  of  the 
two,  for  even  if  he  had  made  a  mistake  in  being  a 
little  familiar  in  his  politeness,  had  the  Duke  been 
really  a  polite  man  he  would  have  made  the  best  of  it, 
by  returning  the  salutation,  instead  of  the  brutal 
mortification  which  he  heaped  upon  the  clerk  of  the 
Treasury.  Every  body  has  read  the  anecdote  of 
Washington,  who  politely  returned  the  salutation  of  a 
negro,  which  caused  his  friend  to  ask  if  he  "  bowed  to 
a  negro."  "  To  be  sure  I  did  ;  do  you  think  that  I 
would  allow  a  negro  to  outdo  me  in  politeness  ?"  said 
Washington.  This  is  the  American  rule.  Everybody 
in  this  country  may  be  polite  to  everybody — and  if 
any  one  is  too  haughty  and  too  ill-bred  to  return  the 
salutation,  with  him  alone  rests  the  responsibility  and 
the  shame. 

If  you  have  guests  in  your  house,  you  are  to  appear 
to  feel  that  they  are  all  equal  for  the  time,  for  they  all 
have  an  equal  claim  upon  your  courtesies.  Those  of 
the  humblest  condition  will  receive  full  as  much  atten- 
tion as  the  rest,  in  order  that  you  shall  not  painfully 
make  them  feel  their  inferiority. 

An  English  author  has  well  said,  that  there  is  no 
more  common  or  absurd  mistake,  than  supposing  that, 
because  people  are  of  high  rank,  they  cannot  be  vul- 
gar ;  or  that,  if  people  be  in  an  obscure  station,  they 
cannot  be  well-bred.  We  have  seen  as  many  instances 
of  vulgarity  in  a  peer  as  could  be  found  in  a  grazier  ; 
and  have  noticed  as  many  examples  of  a  perfect  free- 


GENERAL   RULES.  213 

dom  from  the  least  taint  of  it  in  persons  in  humble 
life  as  could  be  desired  in  a  duchess.  It  is  on  this 
idea  that  the  American  code  of  etiquette  is  based. 
Pope  has  it — 

Honor  and  shame  from  no  condition  rise ; 
Act  well  your  part,  there  all  the  honor  lies. 

A  sensible  English  author  says :  Nothing  more  clearly 
indicates  the  true  gentlemen  than  a  desire  evinced  to 
oblige  or  accommodate  whenever  it  is  possible  or  sea- 
sonable. It  forms  the  broad  distinction  between  the 
well-bred  man  of  the  world,  and  the  coarse  and  brutal 
crowd — the  irreclaimably  vulgar — vulgar,  not  from 
their  inferiority  of  station,  but  because  they  are  coarse 
and  brutal.  Nevertheless,  we  often  find  persons  so 
selfish  and  supercilious,  and  of  so  equivocal  an  impor- 
tance, that  they  fancy  any  compliance  with  the  wishes 
of  the  many  would  tend  to  lessen  their  dignity  in  the 
eyes  of  their  companions,  and  who  foolishly  imagine 
that  a  good  coat  places  them  above  the  necessity  of 
conciliating  the  feelings  of  the  multitude  by  the  per- 
formance of  an  act  of  courtesy.  It  is  evident  there  can- 
not be  a  greater  mistake,  since  even  the  lower  classes 
(whatever  their  own  practices  may  be)  keenly  appre- 
ciate, and  gratefully  acknowledge,  the  slightest  con- 
sideration shown  to  them  by  their  superiors. 

You,  of  course,  will  never  offer  a  person  the  chair 
in  which  you  are  sitting,  unless  there  is  no  other  in  the 
room ;  and  you  will  be  careful  not  to  sit  down  in  a 
chair  which  you  know  to  be  the  one  in  which  the  lady 


214  THE  AMERICAN   CODE   OF   POLITENESS. 

or  gentleman  of  the  house  usually  sits,  even  though  they 
are  absent.  Many  persons  would  just  as  soon  see  a 
stranger  using  their  tooth-brush,  as  sitting  in  the  chair 
which  they  always  occupy  themselves. 

It  is  bad  manners  to  satirize  lawyers  in  the  presence 
of  lawyers,  or  doctors  in  the  presence  of  one  of  that 
calling,  and  so  of  all  the  professions.  Nor  should  you 
rail  against  bribery  and  corruption  in  the  presence  of 
politicians,  (especially  of  a  New  York  politician,)  or 
members  of  Congress,  as  they  will  have  good  reason  to 
suppose  that  you  are  driving  at  them.  It  is  the  aim  of 
politeness  to  leave  the  arena  of  social  intercourse  un- 
tainted with  any  severity  of  lar-guage,  or  bitterness  of 
feeling.  There  are  places  and  occasions  where  wrong 
must  be  exposed  and  reproved,  b»?t  it  is  an  unpardon- 
able piece  of  rudeness  to  attempt  such  things  at  your 
own  or  another's  social  party,  where  every  thing  is 
carefully  to  be  avoided  that  can  in  the  least  disturb  the 
happiness  of  any  one.  For  this  reason  all  kinds  of 
controversies  are,  as  a  general  rule,  to  be  avoided  at 
such  times. 

If  you  would  render  yourself  pleasing  in  social  par- 
ties, never  speak  to  gratify  any  particular  vanity  or 
passion  of  your  own,  but  always  aim  to  interest  or 
amuse  others  by  themes  which  you  know  are  in  accord- 
ance with  their  tastes  and  understandings.  Even  a 
well-bred  minister  will  avoid  introducing  his  profes- 
sional habits  and  themes  at  such  places.  He  knows 
that  the  guest?  were  not  invited  there  to  listen  to  a 


GENERAL   RULES.  215 

serkion,  and  there  may  be  some  who  differ  with  him  in 
opinions,  who  would  have  good  reason  to  feel  them- 
selves insulted  by  being  thus  forced  to  listen  to  him. 

Avoid  restlessless  in  company,  lest  you  make  the 
whole  party  as  fidgety  as  yourself.  "  Do  not  beat  the 
1  Devil's  tattoo7  by  drumming  with  your  fingers  on  the 
table  ;  it  cannot  fail  to  annoy  every  one  within  hear- 
ing, and  is  the  index  of  a  vacant  mind.  Neither  read 
the  newspaper  in  an  audible  whisper,  as  it  disturbs  the 
attention  of  these  near  you.  Both  these  bad  habits  are 
particularly  offensive  where  most  common,  that  is,  iu 
a  counting  or  news-room.  Remember,  that  a  careless- 
ness as  to  what  may  incommode  others  is  the  sure 
sign  of  a  coarse  and  ordinary  mind  ;  indeed,  the  essen- 
tial part  of  good  breeding  is  more  in  the  avoidance  of 
whatever  may  be  disagreeable  to  others,  than  even  an 
accurate  observance  of  the  customs  of  good  society," 

It  is  a  great  thing  to  be  able  to  ivalk  like  a  gentle- 
man— that  is,  to  get  rid  of  the  awkward,  lounging, 
swinging  gait  of  a  clown,  and  stop  before  you  reach 
the  affected  and  flippant  step  of  a  dandy.  In  short, 
nothing  but  being  a  gentleman  can  ever  give  you  the 
real  air  and  step  of  one.  A  man  who  has  a  shallow  or 
an  impudent  brain  will  be  quite  sure  to  show  it  in  his 
heels,  in  spite  of  all  that  rules  of  manners  can  do  for 
him. 

Never  address  a  person  by  his  or  her  initial  letter, 
as  "Mr.  C..w  or  "Mr.  S."  It  is  as  vulgar  as  a  fish- 


216  THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OF   POLITENESS. 

monger's  style.  What  can  be  more  abominable  than 
to  hear  a  woman  speak  of  her  husband  as  *'  Mr.  P. ! " 
as  though  he  had  become  whittled  down,  in  her  esti- 
mation, until  there  is  nothing  left  of  him  but  a  single 
letter. 


If  you  should  ever  be  introduced  to  the  family  of  a 
foreign  nobleman  who  happens  to  be  travelling  in  this 
country,  be  careful  not  to  address  them  as  "  My  Lord," 
or  "  My  Lady/7  which  is  only  customary  among  servants 
in  their  own  country.  "  Your  Lordship,"  and  "  Your 
Ladyship  "  would  be  proper  ;  but  even  these,  good  taste 
will  dictate  that  you  should  use  sparingly,  just  often 
enough  to  show  that  you  are  aware  of  the  position 
they  occupy  at  home. 

Be  careful  not  to  be  over-nice  and  particular,  or  you 
will  impress  people  with  the  idea  that  your  life  began 
in  vulgarity,  and  you  are  now  trying  so  hard  to  get 
away  from  it,  that  you  rush  to  the  opposite  extreme. 
Not  long  since,  we  heard  a  lady  call  Spiten-devil  creek 
"  Spiten  du  vd  creek;"  and,  some  time  ago,  we  saw 
one  horrified  beyond  description,  because  some  one 
used  the  word  "  breeches  "  in  her  hearing.  But  there 
was  a  legend  among  the  old  settlers  in  the  neigh- 
borhood that  she  was  not  always  so  particular  in 
ither  days  when  she  was  a  milliner.  These  clumsy  and 
:  ffected  attempts  at  refinement  are  generally  taken  as 
( igns  that  those  who  practise  them  began  life  very 
near  the  bottom  of  the  hill. 


GENERAL   fcULES.  217 

There  is  a  vulgar  custom  among*  some  women  of  this 
country,  of  using  their  husband  s  titles  as  marKs  of  dis- 
tinction for  themselves,  which  they  sometimes  have  even 
pr inted  on  their  cards,  as  "  Mrs.  Capt.  Smith,"  "  Mrs. 
Col.  Brown,"  "  Mrs.  Governor  Bibbs,"  "  Mrs.  Alder- 
man Tibbs."  Not  long  since,  we  saw  a  large  trunk, 
with  one  whole  end  occupied  witli  the  following  label : 
14  MRS.  LIEUTENANT  SPRAGUE,  U.  S.  A.,  San  Francisco.'7 
A  man  who  was  looking  at  this  queer  sight,  asked  a 
bystander  the  meaning  of  those  letters,  and  received 
this  wicked  and  impolite  answer  :  "  Why,  those  letters 
generally  mean  United  States  Army,  but  there  I  sup- 
pose they  must  mean  Ugly,  Silly  Ass."  The  above 
parvenu  custom  was  borrowed  from  the  North  of  Eng- 
land, but  has  never  been  practised  by  really  well-bred 
people  in  this  country. 

It  is  not  well  to  use  the  words  "  genteel "  and  "  gen- 
tility," in  speaking  of  fashionable  and  refined  people, 
as  these  words  are  now  generally  used  as  a  sneer 
by  the  vulgar,  to  indicate  what  they  regard  as  finery 
and  affectation  in  polite  society. 

An  excessive  suavity  of  manners  is  not  only  dis- 
pleasing— it  is  disgusting — for  it  is  generally  a  sign 
of  insincerity  and  deception. 

There  is  nothing  more  offensive  to  a  gentleman  than 
the  puppyism  of  many  young  gallants,  who  are  per- 
petually boasting  of  the  attentions  which  are  bestowed 
upon  them  by  the  fair  sex.     A  well-bred  man  not  only 
10 


THE    AMERICAN    CODE    OF    POLITENESS. 

never  boast?  of  suef»  attentions,  but  he  never  even  ad 
inits  that  he  has  received  them.  In  this  particular  the 
young  Japanese  lad,  Tommy,  showed  his  good  breed- 
ing, when  a  lady,  in  a  private  box  at  Niblo's  theatre, 
said  to  him,  "  Tommy,  they  say  the  ladies  are  all  very 
fond  of  you  ; "  to  which  he  replied,  "  No,  ma'am,  I 
t;peak  American  language.  Ladies  like  to  speak  to 
me — so  do  gentlemen ;  they  understand  me,  I  under- 
stand them.  They  say,  *  How  do,  Tommy  1 ' — shake 
hands,  and  I  say, '  Very  well,  sir,  ma'am ' — shake  hands, 
too.  No  more."  It  will  be  seen  that  Tommy  sought 
for  a  proper  reason  why  the  ladies  were  fond  of 
speaking  to  him. 

No  gentleman  will  stand  in  the  doors  of  hotels,  nor 
on  the  corners  of  the  streets,  gazing  impertinently  at 
the  ladies  as  they  pass.  That  is  such  an  unmistakable 
sign  of  a  loafer,  that  one  can  hardly  imagine  a  well- 
bred  man  doing  such  a  thing. 

In  walking  with  a  lady,  it  is  customary  to  give  her 
the  right  arm  ;  but  where  circumstances  render  it  more 
convenient  to  give  her  the  left,  it  may  properly  be 
done.  If  you  are  walking  with  a  lady  on  a  crowded 
street,  like  Broadway,  by  all  means  give  her  the  out- 
side, as  that  will  prevent  her  from  being  perpetually 
jostled  and  run  against  by  the  hurrying  crowd. 

A  well-bred  man  will  not  take  a  seat  by  the  side  of 
a  lady  with  whom  he  is  unacquainted,  in  a  railroad  car, 
unless  there  is  no  other  seat  for  him  ;  and  if  he  is  com- 


GENERAL  RULES.  219 

pelled  to  take  such  a  seat,  he  politely  apologises  to 
the  lady  for  doing  so,  in  some  such  manner  as  saying 
that  he  is  very  sorry  to  disturb  her,  but  there  is  no 
other  vacant  seat  in  the  car. 

Do  not  pretend  to  be  what  you  are  not,  for  no  pre- 
tension can  long  hide  what  you  in  reality  are.  The 
thin  veil  is  soon  seen  through,  and  by  trying  to  de- 
ceive, in  relation  to  your  deserts,  you  will  be  judged 
an  impostor  in  all  things,  and,  as  such,  kicked  out  of 
society. 

Do  not  assume  too  much  for  yourself  and  your  fam- 
ily. For  the  man  who  gives  himself  airs  of  impor- 
tance only  exhibits  the  credentials  of  his  own  insignifi- 
cance. It  is  known  that  the  man  of  real  position  does 
not  talk  about  it. 

Affectation  in  anything  that  belongs  to  you  is  only 
holding  a  candle  to  your  own  defects.  Besides,  by 
affectation  you  insult  every  company  you  are  in,  for 
you  assume  that  they  are  shallow  enough  to  be  de- 
ceived by  your  flippancy. 

Exhibiting  yourself  as  better  and  more  pious  than 
other  men  is  another  way  of  insulting  your  associates. 
The  devout  man  never  affects  any  remarkable  degree 
of  piety — it  is  the  hypocrite  who  puts  on  godly  airs. 

It  is  a  mark  of  ill-breeding  to  refuse  praise  where 
praise  is  evidently  due ;  and,  'on  the  other  hand, 


220  THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OF   POLITENESS. 

nothing  can  be  more  vulgar  than  indiscriminate  and 
insincere  praise.     It  is  the  next  thing  to  abuse. 

A  proud  and  disdainful  deportment  is  insulting  to 
every  company  you  may  be  in,  and  to  every  man 
you  meet.  Every  one  owes  affability  and  good-nature 
to  society. 

It  is  a  mark  of  weakness  and  sycophancy  to  run  in- 
discriminately after  every  notoriety  that  comes  along. 
It  shows  a  lack  of  judgment,  as  well  as  of  taste,  for  it 
will  not  do  to  be  always  led  in  the  current  of  popular 
applause.  Esteem  and  admiration  are  not  always  be- 
stowed on  those  who  best  deserve  them.  They  are 
often  stolen  from  the  public  by  those  who  have  the 
art  of  setting  off  moderate  qualifications,  which  fre- 
quently gives  more  reputation  than  real  merit. 

Nothing  detracts  more  from  the  character  of  a  gen- 
tleman than  the  exhibition  of  envy.  He  that  perpetu- 
ally manifests  this  bad  spirit,  not  only  tells  everybody 
about  him  that  he  knows  himself  to  bo  despised,  but 
he  renders  himself  the  annoyance  of  every  company. 

Giving  advice  when  it  is  not  asked,  is  an  imperti- 
nence that  a  gentleman  is  never  guilty  of.  It  is  as- 
suming a  superiority  on  your  part  which  even  tho 
firmest  friendship  will  find  it  difficult  to  forgive. 

Avoid  going  into  company  when  you  are  what  is 
called  out  of  sorts,  or  peevish  and  dull.  People  get 


i.ULES.  221 

together  in  company  to  enjoy  themselves,  and  if  you 
arc  not  in  a  condition  to  enjoy  nor  to  be  enjoyed,  by  all 
means  stay  at  home. 

There  is  no  part  of  personal  manners  which  is  more 
significant  than  the  mode  of  shaking  hands.  A  coun- 
try bumpkin  seizes  your  hand  with  as  much  violence  as 
though  he  were  catching  a  pig,  arid  if  he  does  not  break 
your  fingers  it  is  a  mercy.  The  fop  languidly  gives 
you  his  hand,  and  you  may  shake  it  if  you  will,  but  it 
cannot  be  said  that  he  grasps  yours.  The  consequential 
f.nd  impertinent  stripling  holds  out,  in  a  patronizing 
manner,  two  fingers,  or,  perhaps,  only  his  forefinger, 
which  you  may  touch,  unless  you  prefer  to  use  the  toe 
of  your  boot.  It  is  needless  to  say  that  no  gentle- 
'iH'Oi  is  found  shaking  hands  after  either  of  these 
fashions. 

The  following  witty  remarks  we  copy  from  the  Pa- 

;n  Code  of  Politeness  :  "  Propriety  in  the  carriage 
of  the  body  is  especially  indispensable  to  ladies.  It 

y  this  that,  in  a  ball,  a  walk,  or  any  assembly, 
people  who  cannot  converse  with  them  judge  of  their 

its  and  their  good  education.  How  many  dancers 
movo  off,  and  how  many  persons  sigh  with  pity  to  see 
a  beautiful  woman,  who  has  a  mincing  gait,  affects 
grace,  inclines  her  head  affectedly,  and  who  seems  to 

,;ire  herself  incessantly  and  invite  others  to  do  the 
samel  "Who  ever  makes  up  his  mind  to  enter  into 
conversation  with  an  immovable  lady,  and  one  who  is 
formal  and  precise,  lengthening  out  the  body,  pressing 


222  THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OP   P01ITENESS. 

the  lips,  and  carrying  back  tlie  elbows  as  if  they  were 
fastened  to  her  side  ?" 


"  It  is  not  good  ton  for  a  lady  to  speak  too  quick 
or  too  loud.  When  seated,  she  ought  neither  to  cross 
her  legs  nor  take  any  vulgar  attitude.  She  should 
occupy  her  chair  entirely,  and  appear  neither  too  rest- 
less nor  too  immovable.  It  is  altogether  out  of  place 
for  her  to  throw  her  drapery  around  her  in  sitting 
down,  or  to  spread  out  her  dress  for  display,  as  upstarts 
do,  in  order  to  avoid  the  least  rumple." 

In  walking,  a  lady  ought  to  have  a  modest  and 
measured  gait ;  too  great  hurry  injures  the  grace  which 
ought  to  characterize  her  j  a  flaunting  carriage  betrays 
etourderie,  or  boldness  ;  she  should  not  turn  her  head, 
or  stare  about  her  ;  such  a  habit  seems  an  invitation 
to  the  impertinent. 

Immoderate  laughter  is  exceedingly  unbecoming  in 
a  lady  ;  she  may  affect  the  dimple  or  the  smile,  but 
should  carefully  avoid  any  approximation  to  a  horse- 
laugh. Laughers  have  been  ranged  under  the  follow- 
ing heads : — 

THE  DIMPLERS. 

THE  SMILERS. 
THE  LAUGHERS. 
THE  GRINNERS. 
THE  HORSE-LAUGHERS. 


GENERAL    RULES.  223 

The  dimple  is  practised  to  give  a  grace  to  the  fea- 
ures,  and  is  frequently  made  a  bait  to  entangle  a  gaz- 
;-ng  lover.     This  was  called  by  the  ancients  the  chain- 
laugh. 

The  smile  is  for  the  most  part  confined  to  the  fair 
sex  and  their  male  retinue.  It  expresses  our  satisfac- 
tion in  a  sort  of  liberal  approbation  ;  it  does  not  too 
much  disorder  the  features,  and  is  practised  by  lovers 
of  the  most  delicate  address.  This  tender  emotion  of 
physiognomy  the  ancients  called  the  Ionic-laugh. 

The  laugh  among  us  is  the  common  risus  of  the 
ancients,  and  is  simply  an  expansion  of  the  smile, 
accompanied  by  a  slight  cachination. 

The  grin,  by  writers  of  antiquity,  is  called  the  Syn- 
crusian,  and  was  then,  as  it  is  now,  made  use  of  to 
display  a  beautiful  set  of  teeth. 

The  horse-laugh  is  an  undue  expansion  of  the  laugh, 
accompanied  with  a  boisterous  noise,  and  is  not  allow- 
able in  polite  society.  It  may  be,  however,  and  often 
is,  made  use  of  in  all  kinds  of  disputation.  Those 
who  are  proficient  in  it,  by  a  well-timed  laugh,  will 
often  baffle  the  most  solid  reasoner.  This,  upon  all 
occasions,  supplies  the  want  of  reason  ;  is  always  re- 
ceived with  great  applause  in  coffee-houses,  disputes, 
and  wranglings  ;  and  that  side  which  the  laugh  joing 
*/ith,  generally  gets  the  better  of  its  antagonist. 


224  THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OF   rOLITEXESS. 

ON  TALKING  IN  COMPANY. 

A  man  is  quite  sure  to  show  his  good  or  bad  breed' 
ing  the  instant  he  opens  his  mouth  to  talk  in  company. 
If  he  is  a  gentleman  he  starts  no  subject  of  conversa- 
tion that  can  possibly  be  displeasing  to  any  person 
present.  The  ground  is  common  to  all,  and  no  one  has 
a  right  to  monopolize  any  part  of  it  for  his  own  par- 
ticular opinions,  in  politics  or  religion.  No  one  is 
there  to  make  proselytes,  but  every  one  has  been  in- 
vited, to  be  agreeable  and  to  please. 

At  such  times  you  should  avoid  appearing  dogmati- 
cal and  too  positive  in  any  assertions  you  make,  which 
can  possibly  be  subject  to  any  contradiction.  He  that 
is  peremptory  in  his  own  story,  may  meet  with  another 
as  positive  as  himself  to  contradict  him,  and  then  tlio 
two  Sir  Positives  will  be  cure  to  have  a  skirmish. 

You  will  forbear  to  interrupt  a  person  who  is  tell- 
ing a  story,  even  though  he  is  making  historical  mis- 
takes in  dates  and  facts.  If  he  makes  mistakes  it  is 
his  own  fault,  and  it  is  not  your  business  to  mortify 
him  by  attempting  to  correct  his  blunders  in  presence 
of  those  with  whom  he  is  ambitious  to  stand  well. 

If  a  man  is  telling  that  which  is  as  old  as  the  hills, 
or  which  you  believe  to  be  false,  the  better  way  is  to 
let  him  go  on.  Why  should  you  refuse  a  man  the 
pleasure  of  believing  that' he  is  telling  you  something 
which  you  never  heard  before  ?  Besides,  by  refusing 


ON  TALKING  IN  COMPANY.          225 

to  believe  him,  or  by  telling  him  that  his  story  is  old, 
you  not  only  mortify  him,  but  the  whole  company  is 
made  uneasy,  and,  by  sympathy,  share  his  mortifica- 
tion. 

Avoid  raillery  and  sarcasm  in  social  parties.  They 
are.  weapons  which  few  can  use  ;  and  because  you 
happen  to  have  a  razor  in  your  possession,  that  is  no 
reason  why  you  should  be  allowed  to  cut  the  throats 
of  the  rest  who  are  unarmed.  Malicious  jests  at  the 
expense  of  those  who  are  present  or  absent,  show  that 
he  who  uses  them  is  devoid  both  of  the  instincts  and 
habits  of  a  gentleman.  Where  two  individuals  or  the 
whole  company  agree  to  banter  each  other  with  good- 
natured  sallies  of  wit,  it  is  very  pleasant,  but  the  least 
taint  of  ill-nature  spoils  all. 

If  you  are  really  a  wit,  remember,  that  in  conversa- 
tion its  true  office  consists  more  in  finding  it  in  others, 
than  showing  off  a  great  deal  of  it  yourself.  He  who 
goes  out  of  your  company  pleased  with  himself  is  sure 
to  be  pleased  with  you.  Even  as  great  a  man  as  Dr. 
Johnson  once  retired  from  a  party  where  everybody 
had  spent  the  evening  in  listening  to  him,  and  re- 
marked, as  he  went  out,  "  We  have  had  a  pleasant 
evening,  and  much  excellent  conversation." 

A  sure  way  to  please  in  conversation  is  to  hunt  up 
as  many  of  each  others'  excellencies  as  possible,  and 
be  as  blind  as  possible  to  each  others'  imperfections. 
There  is  no  compromise  of  principle  in  this,  for  you 


THE   AMERICAN    CODE    OF   POLITENESS. 

are  to  Consider  that  a  social  party  is  not  intended  as  a 
school  for  reform,  or  a  pulpit  to  denounce  sin  in.. 

Talk  as  little  of  yourself  as  possible,  or  of  any  sci- 
ence or  business  in  which  you  have  acquired  fame. 
There  is  a  banker  in  New  York  who  is  always  certain 
to  occupy  the  time  of  every  party  he  gets  into,  by 
talking  of  his  per  cents,  and  boasting  that  he  began  life 
without  a  cent — which  every  one  readily  believes  ;  and 
if  he  were  to  add  that  he  began  life  in  a  pig-pen,  they 
would  believe  that  too. 

Even  if  you  are  not  a  good  talker,  try  to  sustain 
some  share  of  the  conversation  ;  for  you  as  easily  in- 
sult a  company  by  maintaining  a  contemptuous  silence, 
as  by  engrossing  all  the  talk. 

Listen  attentively  and  patiently  to  what  is  said.  It 
is  a  great  and  difficult  talent  to  be  a  good  listener, 
but  it  is  one  which  the  well-bred  man  has  to  acquire, 
at  whatever  pains. 

If  you  meet  an  ill-bred  fellow  in  company,  whose 
voice  and  manners  are  offensive  to  you,  you  cannot 
resent  it  at  the  time,  because  by  so  doing  you  compel 
the  whole  company  to  be  spectators  of  your  quarrel, 
and  the  pleasure  of  the  party  would  be  spoiled. 

Don't  talk  of  "  the  opera  "  in  the  presence  of  those 
who  are  not  frequenters  of  it.  They  will  imagine  that 
you  are  showing  off,  or  that  you  are  lying,  and  that 


ON   INTRODUCTIONS.  227 

you  have  never  been  to  the  opera  twice  in  your  life. 
For  the  same  reason,  avoid  too  frequently  speaking 
of  your  acquaintance  with  celebrated  men,  unless  you 
are  a  public  man  yourself,  who  would  be  supposed  to 
have  such  acquaintance.  * 

By  all  means,  shun  the  vulgar  habit  of  joking  at  the 
expense  of  women.  All  such  tricks  as  refusing  a  lady 
a  piece  of  tongue,  because  "  women  already  have  tonyc, 
enough"  are  as  vulgar  as  they  are  old  and  stale.  The 
man  Tho  does  not  respect  woman,  exposes  himself  to 
the  sv-spicion  of  associating  generally  with  the  fallen 
portion  of  the  sex.  And  besides,  he  has  no  right  to 
make  a  respectable  parlor  or  drawing-room  the  thea- 
tre of  such  vulgar  jokes  and  railing  against  the  sex  as 
go  down  in  low  society. 


ON  INTRODUCTIONS. 

The  custom  which  prevails  in  country  places  of  in- 
troducing everybody  you  meet  to  each  other,  is  both 
an  annoying  and  an  improper  one.  As  a  general  rule, 
introductions  ought  not  to  be  made,  except  where 
there  is  undoubted  evidence  that  the  acquaintance 
would  be  mutually  agreeable  and  proper. 

It  is  customary,  in  introducing  people,  to  present 
the  youngest  person  to  the  oldest,  or  the  humblest  to 
the  highest  in  position,  if  there  is  any  distinction. 


228  THE   AMERICAS    CODE   OF   POLITENESS. 

thus  :  "  Mr.  Thompson,  allow  mo  to  present  to  you. Mr. 
Smith  ;"  or,  "  I  wish  to  make  you  acquainted  with  Mr. 
Smith."  The  gentleman  is  always  presented  to  tho 
lady,  as,  "Mrs.  Johnson,  I  have  the  pleasure  of  pre- 
senting to  you  Mr.  Simpson.'7  When  you  introduce 
parties  which  you  are  quite  sure  will  be  pleased  with 
each  other,  it  is  well  to  add,  after  the  introduction, 
that  you  take  great  pleasure  in  making  them  acquaint- 
ed, which  will  be  an  assurance  to  each  that  you  think 
they  are  well  matched,  and  thus  they  are  prepared  to 
be  friends  from  the  start. 

In  introducing  parties,  be  careful  to  pronounce  each 
name  distinctly,  as  there  is  nothing  more  awkward 
than  to  have  one's  name  miscalled  ;  for  instance,  for  a 
man  whose  name  is  Morehead  to  be  called  Moleheacl, 
or  Grimshaw  to  be  called  Grimslianks.  Mistakes 
quite  as  unpleasant  as  these  are  constantly  occurring, 
in  consequence  of  indistinct  introductions. 

When  you  are  introduced  to  a  person,  be  careful 
not  to  appear  as  though  you  had  never  heard  of  him 
before.  If  he  happens  to  be  a  person  of  any  dis- 
tinction, such  a  mistake  would  be  unpardonable,  and 
no  person,  is  complimented  by  being  reminded  of  the 
fact  that  his  name  is  unknown. 

If  by  any  misfortune  you  have  been  introduced  to  a 
person  whose  acquaintance  you  do  not  desire,  you  can 
merely  make  the  formal  bow  of  etiquette  when  you 
meet  him,  which,  of  itself,  encourages  no  familiarity  ; 


OX   INTRODUCTIONS.  220 

but  llu  low  '  usalle,  for  he  cannot  be  tlioii 

a  gentleman  who  would  pass  another  with  a  vacant 
e,  after  having*  been  formally  presented  to  him. 
By  so  doing,  he  would  offer  a  slight  which  would  just- 
ly make  him  appear  contemptible  even  in  the  eyes  of 
the  person  he  means  to  humble. 

What  is  called  "  cutting"  another  is  never  practised 
by  gentlemen  or  ladies,  except  in  some  extraordinary 
instances  of  bad  conduct  on  the  part  of  the  individual 
thus  sacrificed.  An  increased  degree  of  ceremony  and 
formal  politeness  is  the  most  delicate  way  of  with- 
drawing from  an  unpleasant  acquaintance.  Indeed, 
what  is  called  "  cutting"  is  rarely  ever  practised  by 
well-bred  ladies  and  gentlemen. 

Letters  of  introduction  are  to  be  regarded  as  certifi- 
cates of  respectability,  and  are  therefore  never  to  be 
given  where  you  do  not  feel  sure  on  this  point.  To 
send  a  person  of  whom  you  know  nothing  into  the 
confidence  and  family  of  a  friend,  is  an  unpardonable 
recklessness.  In  England,  letters  of  introduction  are 
called  "  tickets  to  soup,"  because  it  is  generally  cus- 
tomary to  invite  a  gentleman  to  dine  who  comes  with 
a  letter  of  introduction  to  you.  Such  is  also  tho 
practice,  to  some  extent,  in  this  country,  but  etiquette 
here  does  not  make  the  dinner  so  essential  as  there. 

In  England,  the  party  holding  a  letter  of  introduc- 
tion never  takes  it  himself  to  the  party  to  whom  it  is 
addressed,  but  ho  sends  it  with  his  card  of  add. 


230  THE   AMERICAN    CODE    OF   POLITENESS. 

Iii  France,  and  on  the  continent  of  Europe  generally, 
directly  the  reverse  is  the  fashion.  In  America  the 
English  custom  generally  prevails  ;  though  where  a 
young  gentleman  has  a  letter  to  one  who  is  many 
years  his  senior,  or  to  one  whose  aid  he  seeks  in  some 
enterprise,  he  takes  it  at  once  himself. 

When  a  gentleman,  bearing  a  letter  of  introduction 
to  you,  leaves  his  card,  you  should  call  on  him,  or  send 
a  note,  as  early  as  possible.  There  is  no  greater  in- 
sult than  to  treat  a  letter  of  fntroduction  with  indiffer- 
ence. After  you  have  made  this  call,  it  is,  to  some  ex> 
tent,  optional  with  you  as  to  what  further  attentions 
you  shall  pay  the  party.  In  this  country  everybody 
is  supposed  to  be  very  busy,  which  is  always  a  suffi- 
cient excuse  for  not  paying  elaborate  attentions  to 
visitors.  It  is  not  demanded  that  any  man  shall 
neglect  his  business  to  wait  upon  visitors  or  guests. 

Letters  of  mere  introduction  are  not  sealed  by  the 
parties  who  write  them  ;  but  the  parties  taking  them 
may  seal  them  or  not,  as  they  please,  before  delivering 
them. 


02T  DRESS. 

Well-bred  people  do  not  often  dress  in  what  is  call- 
ed the  "  heighth  of  fashion,"  as  that  is  generally  left  to 
dandies  and  pretenders.  But  still  it  is  undoubtedly  a 
great  point  gained  to  be  well  dressed.  To  be  fanci- 


ON   DRESS.  231 

fully  dressed,  in  gaudy  colors,  is  to  be  very  badly 
dressed,  however,  and  is  an  example  of  ill  taste  which 
is  rarely  met  with  among  people  of  substantial  good 
breeding. 

Cleanliness  and  neatness  are  the  invariable  accom- 
paniments of  good  breeding.  Every  gentleman  may 
not  be  dressed  expensively,  he  may  not  be  able  to  do 
so  ;  but  water  is  cheap,  and  no  gentleman  will  ever  go 
into  company  unmindful  of  cleanliness  either  in  his 
person  or  apparel. 

Did  any  lady  ever  see  a  gentleman  with  an  embroi- 
dered waistcoat,  and  a  profusion  of  chains,  rings,  and 
trinkets  adorning  his  person  ? 

Avoid  affecting  singularity  in  dress.  Expensive 
dressing  is  no  sign  of  a  gentlemen.  If  a  gentleman  is 
able  to  dress  expensively  it  is  very  well  for  him  to  do 
so,  but  if  lie  is  not  able  to  wear  ten-dollar  broadcloth, 
lie  may  comfort  himself  with  the  reflection  that  cloth 
which  costs  but  three  dollars  a  yard  will  look  quite  as 
well  when  made  into  a  well-fitting  coat.  With  this 
suit,  and  well-made  shoes,  clean  gloves,  a  white  pocket- 
handkerchief,  and  an  easy  and  graceful  deportment 
withal,  he  may  pass  muster  as  a  gentleman.  Manners 
do  quite  as  much  to  set  off  a  suit  of  clothes  as  clothes 
do  to  set  off  a  graceful  person. 

Avoid  what  is  called  the  "  ruffianly  style  of  dress," 
or  the  ncmrialnnt  and  slov.ching  appearance  of  a  half 


232  THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OP   POLITENESS. 

unbuttoned  vest,  and  suspenderless  pantaloons.  That 
sort  of  affectation  is,  if  possible,  even  more  disgusting 
than  the  painfully  elaborate  frippery  of  the  dandy. 

Gentlemen  never  make  any  display  of  jewelry  ;  that 
is  given  up  entirely  to  the  dominion  of  female  taste. 
But  ladies  of  good  taste  seldom  wear  it  in  the  morning. 
It  is  reserved  for  evening  display  and  for  brilliant 
parties. 


ON   EVENING  PARTIES. 

Invitations  to  evening  parties  are  sent  several  days 
before  the  party  is  to  take  place,  and  the  answers 
should  invariably  be  returned  immediately,  accepting 
or  declining,  with  regrets. 

In  most  of  the  American  cities  nine  o'clock  is  the 
hour  which  custom  has  established  as  the  time  for  the 
lady  to  be  in  her  parlor,  ready  to  receive  her  guests, 
and  by  ten  o'clock  all  the  guests  should  arrive.  It  is 
an  affectation,  not  entirely  devoid  of  assumption  and 
impudence,  for  people  to  purposely  delay  their  appear- 
ance till  a  very  late  hour. 

In  large  and  formal  parties,  it  is  generally  custom- 
ary for  the  servant  to  announce  the  names  of  the  guests 
as  they  enter  the  room,  but  this  is  a  ceremony  well 


OX    EVENING   PARTIES.  233 

enough  dispensed  with,  except  on  occasions  of  very 
large  and  formal  parties. 

It  is  the  business  of  the  lady  of  the  house  to  be  near 
the  door  to  receive  her  guests  :  if  she  is  not  there,  you 
need  not  go  hunting  through  the  crowd  after  her.  We 
were  once  at  a  brilliant  party  in  Philadelphia,  where  a 
young  man,  who  had  evidently  read  in  some  book  on 
politeness  that  it  was  his  duty  to  make  his  first  address 
to  the  lady  of  the  house,  went  tearing  through  the 
crowd  after  her,  like  an  engine,  carrying  with  him 
one  side  of  a  lady's  dress,  and  overturning  a  small  table 
that  held  a  pitcher  of  lemonade,  until  he  brought  up 
against,  and  nearly  unseated,  a  young  lady  who  was 
presiding  at  the  piano  : — an  incident  which  shows  tha/ 
without  good  sense  it  is  impossible  to  be  a  gentleman. 

In  leaving  a  party,  if  you  go  before  it  breaks  up, 
seek  the  lady  of  the  house,  and  bid  her  good-night  as 
quietly  as  possibly,  and  retire  without  attracting  the 
notice  of  the  remaining  guests. 

If  "a  gentleman  dances  at  a  party,  he  does  not  kick 
and  caper  about  like  a  monkey,  nor  sway  his  body  to 
and  fro  like  a  public  dancer  upon  the  stage.  lie  par- 
ticularly avoids  showing  off  at  such  times,  unless  he  ij 
ambitious  to  be  taken  for  a  dancing-master,  between 
whose  manners  and  those  of  a  gentleman  there  is  the 
widest  difference. 

I  have  already  said  that  really  well-bred  r.eoplo 
are  never  guilty  of  the  abominable  sin  of  backbiting  ; 


234  THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OF   POLITENESS. 

but  yet  there  are  thousands  of  people  in  the  world 
who  think  themselves  well-bred,  whose  mouths  are 
guillotines  to  every  good  name  that  gets  into  them. 
Aaron  Burr,  who  was  one  of  the  most  refined  and  ac- 
complished gentlemen  that  ever  lived,  used  to  say, 
that  "  the  gulf  between  Dives  and  Lazarus  was  not 
greater  than  that  between  a  gentleman  and  a  calum- 
niator." Par  ton,  in  his  interesting  life  of  this  extra- 
ordinary man,  relates  the  following  characteristic  an- 
ecdote : 

"  Some  gentlemen  were  in  his  room  one  evening, 
when  the  conversation  took  a  severer  tone  than  he 
liked.  Now,  speaking  ill  of  any  one,  or  the  use  of  de- 
nunciatory language,  he  never  relished.  After  one  of 
his  guests  had  finished  some  severe  remarks,  the  lady 
of  the  house  stepped  forward,  and  in  a  quick,  grace- 
ful manner  peculiar  to  her,  repeated  the  lines  from 
Burns'  Address  to  the  Unco  Gude  : 


1  Then  gently  scan  your  brother  man, 

Still  gentler  sister  woman ; 
Though  they  may  gang  akennin'  wrang, 

To  step  aside  is  human : 
One  point  must  still  be  greatly  dark, 

The  moving  Why  they  do  it, 
And  just  as  lamely  can  ye  mark 

How  far,  perhaps,  they  rue  it. 

1  Who  made  the  heart,  'tis  He  alone 

Decidedly  can  try  us  ; 
He  knows  each  chord — its  various  tone, 
Each  spring — its  various  bias; 


ON   EVENING   PARTIES.  1:35 

Then  at  the  balance  let's  be  mute — 

We  never  can  adjust  it ; 
What's  done  we  partly  may  compute, 

But  know  not  what's  resisted.' 

Good-hnmor  was  restored,  and  a  better  spirit  pre- 
vailed in  the  company.  Burr,  who  had  lain  silent  up  to 
this  time,  now  expressed  the  keenest  delight.  '  Now 
good  ! '  he  kept  whispering — '  how  very  good.  So 
like  you,  my  dear  ;  so  like  you  ! '  He  was  exceedingly 
pleased,  and  often  alluded  to  the  scene  and  the  lines 
afterwards." 

Remember,  that  if  good  fortune  get  you  the  esteem 
of  the  public,  still  nothing  but  merit  can  procure  the 
respect  and  confidence  of  men  of  sense  and  virtue. 

Of  all  the  sinners  against  the  laws  of  politeness,  the 
braggar  or  the  liar  is  one  of  the  greatest.  False  pre- 
tending is  one  of  the  sure  signs  of  ill-bred  rascality. 
Not  long  ago,  a  family  moved  from  the  city  a  few 
miles  out  into  a  small  country  village,  where  the  father, 
mother,  sons,  and  daughters  all  commenced  boasting 
of  their  associations  and  splendor  in  the  city.  But  it 
soon  became  known  -that  the  head  of  this  swaggering 
family  was,  a  few  years  ago,  a  roper-in  for  a  gambling 
hell,  and  a  decoy-duck  for  a  still  more  disreputable 
place,  in  Philadelphia  ;  and  afterwards  a  keeper  of  a 
vile  den  in  California  ;  and,  finally,  the  proprietor  of 
a  faro-bank,  and  a  manufacturer  of  illegal  and  inde- 
cent wares  in  New  York  city,  where  he  brought  up 
his  daughters  as  shining  lights  of  a  free-love  club. 


23G  THE   AMERICAN    CODE    OF    POLITENESS. 

Every  member  of  this  leprous  family  at  once  set  up  to 
be  censors  of  the  village  manners,  and  slanderers  of 
the  moral  excellence  which  they  naturally  enough 
hated.  But  vain  are  the  thin  disguises  in  which  low 
vice  tries  to  hide  itself !  Every  well-bred  person 
at  once  detects  all  false  pretending  to  respectability. 
The  true  coin  of  good  breeding  is  so  indelibly  stamped 
with  unmistakable  grace  and  naturalness,  that  no 
counterfeit  can  ever  be  made  to  imitate  it.  The  only 
sensible  thing  for  people  of  the  character  described 
above  is,  to  keep  as  quiet,  and  remain  as  much  in  the 
dark,  as  possible. 

The  man  who  has  no  merit  himself  will  always  be  en- 
vious of  the  merit  of  others  ;  and,  therefore,  by  abusing 
others,  you  expose  yourself  to  the  suspicion  of  being 
destitute  of  character. 

Modest  people  seldom  fail  to  gain  the  good-will 
and  respect  of  those  with  whom  they  converse,  because 
nobody  is  envious  of  those  who  make  no  pretension  to 
any  especial  claims  upon  their  respect. 

Do  not  forget  that  no  matter  how  eloquent  you 
may  be,  you  will  please  most  people  more  by  listening 
to  them  than  by  talking  yourself. 

An  overdone  politeness  is  the  next  thing  to  rude- 
ness, for  it  presumes  upon  your  own  superiority,  or 
upon  the  inexperience  of  the  one  to  whom  you  address 
yourself. 


ON  EVENING   PARTIES.  237 

The  reason  why  we  meet  with  so  few  people  who 
are  really  agreeable  in  conversation  is,  because  men 
generally  think  more  of  what  they  shall  say  them- 
selves, than  they  do  of  properly  answering  what  is 
said  to  them. 

You  cannot  be  too  careful  of  the  company  you 
keep,  because  bad  manners  are  as  catching  as  infec- 
tious diseases. 

Great  talents  for  conversation,  if  not  accompanied 
with  the  most  vigilant  politeness,  will  get  a  man  many 
enemies  ;  because,  if  you  eclipse  others  in  conversa- 
tion, you  must  pay  them  great  civilities  to  keep  from 
wounding  their  pride. 

Eemember  that  there  are  but  few  good  story-tellers, 
and  that  unless  you  are  a  rare  exception  to  the  gene- 
rality of  mankind,  it  will  be  a  hazardous  thing  for 
you  to  attempt  to  tell  stories  in  company. 

If  you  have  been  abroad  in  foreign  lands,  avoid 
alluding  to  the  fact,  or  relating  what  you  saw  and  did 
there,  except  in  the  company  of  friends  who  you  arc 
sure  are  anxious  to  hear  you  ;  for  it  is  very  easy  to 
arouse  the  envy  and  hatred  of  those  who  have  enjoyed 
less  advantages  in  seeing  the  world  than  yourself. 


238  THE   AMERICAN   CODE  OF   POLITENESS. 

MARRIAGE. 

I  have  already  said,  that  when  a  man  marries,  it  is 
understood  that  all  former  acquaintanceship  ends, 
unless  he  intimate  a  desire  to  renew  it,  by  sending 
you  his  own  and  his  wife's  card,  if  near,  or  by  letter, 
if  distant.  If  this  be  neglected,  be  sure  no  further 
intercourse  is  desired. 

In  the  first  place — a  bachelor  is  seldom  very  par- 
ticular in  the  choice  of  his  companions.  So  long  as 
L.e  is  amused,  he  will  associate  freely  enough  with 
those  whose  morals  and  habits  would  point  them  out 
as  highly  dangerous  persons  to  introduce  into  the 
sanctity  of  domestic  life. 

Secondly — a  married  man  has  the  tastes  of  another 
to  consult ;  and  the  friend  of  the  husband  may  not  be 
equally  acceptable  to  the  wife. 

Besides — newly-married  people  may  wish  to  limit 
the  circle  of  their  friends,  from  praiseworthy  motives 
of  economy.  When  a  man  "  sets  up  "  in  the  world, 
the  burthen  of  an  extensive  and  indiscriminate  ac- 
quaintance may  be  felt  in  various  ways.  Many  have 
had  cause  to  regret  the  weakness  of  mind  which 
allowed  them  to  plunge  into  a  vortex  of  gayety  and 
expense  they  could  ill  afford,  from  which  they  have 
found  it  difficult  to  extricate  themselves,  and  the  effects 
of  which  have  proved  a  serious  evil  to  them  in  after 
life. 


DANCING.  239 

DANCING. 

With  the  etiquette  of  a  ball-room,  so  far  as  it  goes, 
there  are  but  few  people  unacquainted.  Certain  per- 
sons are  appointed  to  act  as  stewards,  or  there  will 
be  a  "  master  of  the  ceremonies,"  whose  office  it  is  to 
see  that  everything  be  conducted  in  a  proper  manner  : 
if  you  a-re  entirely  a  stranger,  it  is  to  them  you  must 
apply  for  a  partner,  and  point  out  (quietly)  any  young 
lady  with  whom  you  should  like  to  dance,  when,  if 
there  be  no  obvious  inequality  of  rank,  they  will  pre- 
sent you  for  that  purpose  ;  should  there  be  an  objec- 
tion, they  will  probably  select  some  one  they  consider 
more  suitable  ;  but  do  not,  on  any  account,  go  to  a 
strange  lady  by  yourself,  and  request  her  to  dance,  as 
she  will  unhesitatingly  "  decline  the  honor,"  and  think 
you  an  impertinent  fellow  for  your  presumption. 

Any  presentation  to  a  lady  in  a  public  ball-room, 
for  the  mere  purpose  of  dancing,  does  not  entitle  you 
to  claim  her  acquaintance  afterwards ;  therefore,  should 
you  meet  her,  at  most  you  may  lift  your  hat ;  but 
even  that  is  better  avoided, — unless,  indeed,  she  first 
bow, — as  neither  she  nor  her  friends  can  know  who 
or  what  you  are. 

Lead  the  lady  through  the  quadrille  ;  do  not  drag 
her,  nor  clasp  her  hand  as  if  it  were  made  of  wood, 
lest  she,  not  unjustly,  think  you  a  bear. 

You  will  not,  if  you  are  wise,  stand  up  in  a  quad 


240  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OP   POLITENESS. 

rille  without  knowing  something  of  the  figure  ;  and 
if  }rou  are  master  of  a  few  of  the  steps,  so  much  the 
better.  But  dance  quietly  ;  do  not  kick  and  caper 
about,  nor  sway  your  body  to  and  fro  ;  dance  only 
from  the  hips  doivmvards  ;  and  lead  the  lady  as  lightly 
as  you  would  tread  a  measure  with  a  spirit  of  gossa- 
mer. 

Do  not  pride  yourself  on  doing  the  "  steps  neatly," 
unless  you  are  ambitious  of  being  taken  for  a  dancing- 
master  ;  between  whose  motions  and  those  of  a  gen- 
ileman  there  is  a  great  difference. 

If  a  lady  should  decline  civilly  to  dance  with  you, 
making  an  excuse,  and  you  chance  to  see  her  dancing 
afterwards,  do  not  take  any  notice  of  it,  nor  be 
offended  with  her.  It  might  not  be  that  she  despised 
you,  but  that  she  preferred  another.  We  cannot 
always  fathom  the  hidden  springs  which  influence  a 
woman's  actions,  and  there  are  many  bursting  hearts 
within  white  satin  dresses  ;  therefore,  do  not  insist 
upon  the  fulfilment  of  established  regulation  "  desig- 


Besides,  it  is  a  hard  case  that  women  should  be  com- 
pelled to  dance  with  everybody  offered  them,  at  the 
alternative  of  not  being  allowed  to  enjoy  themselves 
at  all. 

If  a  friend  be  engaged  when  you  request  her  to 
dance,  and  she  promises  to  be  your  partner  for  the 


DANCING.  241 

next  or  any  of  the  following  dances,  do  not  neglect 
her  when  the  time  comes,  but  be  in  readiness  to  fulfil 
your  office  as  her  cavalier,  or  she  may  think  that  you 
have  studiously  slighted  her,  besides  preventing  her 
obliging  some  one  else.  Even  inattention  and  forget- 
fulness,  by  showing  how  little  you  care  for  a  lady, 
form  in  themselves  a  tacit  insult. 

If  a  lady  waltz  with  you,  beware  not  to  press  her 
waist ;  you  must  only  lightly  touch  it  with  the  palin 
of  your  hand,  lest  you  leave  a  disagreeable  impression 
not  only  on  her  ctinlure,  but  on  her  mind. 

Above  all,  do  not  be  prone  to  quarrel  in  a  ball- 
room ;  it  disturbs  the  harmony  of  the  company,  and 
should  be  avoided  if  possible.  Recollect,  that  a  thou- 
sand little  derelictions  from  strict  propriety  may  occur 
through  the  ignorance  or  stupidity  of  the  aggressor, 
and  not  from  any  intention  to  annoy  :  remember,  also, 
that  the  really  tvell-bred  women  will  not  thank  you  for 
making  them  conspicuous  by  over-officiousness  in  then 
defence,  unless,  indeed,  there  be  some  serious  or  glaring 
violation  of  decorum.  In  small  matters,  ladies  are 
both  able  and  willing  to  take  care  of  themselves,  and 
would  prefer  being  allowed  to  overwhelm  the  unlucky 
offender  in  their  own  way. 

If,  while  walking  up  and  down  a  public  promenade, 

you  should  meet  friends  or  acquaintances  whom  you 

don't  intend  to  join,  it  is  only  necessary  to  salute  them 

the  first  time  of  passing ;  to  bow  or  nod  to  them  at 

11 


242  THE   AMERICAN   CODE   OF   POLITENESS. 

every  round  would  be  tiresome,  and  therefore  im- 
proper ;  have  no  fear  that  they  will  deem  you  odd  or 
unfriendly,  as,  if  they  have  any  sense  at  all,  they  can 
appreciate  your  reasons.  If  you  have  anything  to  say 
to  them,  join  them  at  once. 


ETIQUETTE  AT  WASHINGTON. 


THE  rules  of  social  intercourse  in  the  city  of  Wash- 
ington, the  capital  of  the  United  States,  though  in  ac- 
cordance with  the  customs  of  general  good  breeding 
everywhere,  are  nevertheless  destitute  of  that  unity 
and  completeness  which  may  be  found  in  other  Ameri- 
can cities.  What  is  called  "  society  "  in  Washington 
is  made  up  chiefly  of  foreign  diplomats  and  our  own 
statesmen  and  politicians,  and  the  rules  of  etiquette 
practised  there  are,  to  some  little  extent,  varied  or 
modified  by  all  the  various  European  and  American 
localities  which  are  represented  in  its  community. 

But,  for  all  this,  there  is  no  place  in  our  country 
where  etiquette  is  more  inexorable,  or  exacting,  than 
in  Washington.  All  small  cities,  which  happen  to  be 
capitals  of  great  states,  are  sure  to  get  intoxicated 
with  self-importance — to  put  on  airs,  and  become  wise 
in  their  own  conceits.  The  well-bred  man  will  not  be 
long  in  Washington  before  he  will  have  occasion  to 
smile  at  the  truth  of  this  remark  ;  and  if  he  perceives 
a  few  things  in  their  etiquette  which  are  peculiar  and 
pedantic,  he  will  not,  of  course,  either  disregard  or  at- 

(243) 


244  THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OF   POLITENESS. 

tempt  to  reform  them,  but  readily  fall  in  with  the  cus- 
toms of  fashionable  life  there. 

There  is  a  small  pamphlet  on  the  "Etiquette  of 
Washington,"  published  in  that  city,  all  the  essential 
matter  of  which  is  condensed  in  the  remaining  pages 
of  this  book. 


DRESS. 

"  The  very  idea  of  a  gentleman  excludes  that  of  a 
fop  or  dandy.  A  gentleman  will  dress  well,  but  never 
gaudily.  This  rule  alone,  if  properly  attended  to, 
might  serve  for  all  that  we  have  to  say  under  this 
head  ;  but,  for  the  benefit  of  the  young  and  inex- 
perienced, whose  welfare  we  have  most  at  heart,  we 
will  suggest  a  few  things  to  be  done,  and  others  to  be 
omitted.  We  say,  therefore,  eschew  an  excess  of  jew- 
elry. A  breast-pin,  or  gold  button  with  a  chain,  is 
very  well.  A  ring  is  also  worn  by  some.  Avoid 
gaudiness  and  singularity.  Adapt  your  dress  to  your 
complexion.  Washington,  though  a  small  place,  is,  in 
one  respect,  quite  metropolitan.  During  the  winter 
its  society  is  made  up  of  materials  gathered  from 
all  parts  of  the  country,  and  all  the  styles  as  well  as 
all  the  politics  of  the  country  are  represented  here. 
A  gentleman,  therefore,  may  suit  his  taste  in  respect 
to  the  shape  and  material  of  his  hat,  coat.  etc.  The 
same  remarks  apply  to  the  dress  of  ladies,  but  they,  in 
the  nature  of  things,  are  allowed  greater  variety  of 
colors,  ornament,  style,  etc.,  etc." 


INTRODUCTIONS,   CARDS,   VISITING,  ETC.  245 

INTRODUCTIONS.  CARDS,  VISITING,  &c. 

It  is  not  in  good  taste  to  give  introductions,  as  a 
matter  of  course,  as  is  the  custom  in  the  country.  The 
reason  of  this  restriction  upon  the  natural  dictates  of 
polite  and  amiable  natures  can  be  best  understood  by 
those  who  live  in  cities.  In  the  country,  where  every- 
body knows  everybody,  and  everybody's  business,  the 
proverb  that  "  a  in  an  is  known  by  the  company  he 
keeps  "  loses  much  of  its  significance  ;  but  in  cities  it 
is  literally  true,  and  hence  the  disinclination  of  city 
people  to  make  acquaintances,  whom  it  might  become 
inconvenient  or  distasteful  to  recognize  on  all  oc- 
casions. 

It  is  safest,  therefore,  to  omit  introductions,  without 
a  previous  understanding  with  the  parties,  even  at 
the  hazard  of  seeming  rude.  But  common  sense  and 
a  knowledge  of  the  parties  will  teach  any  one  the 
proper  course  to  pursue. 

Letters  of  introduction  should  never  be  given  mi- 
le^s  the  writer  is  well  and  favorably  known  to  the 
person  addressed,  and  he  should  be  sure  that  the  party 
introduced  is  worthy  of  respect  and  trust,  in  the 
capacity  in  which  he  is  introduced.  The  latter  may 
present  the  letter  or  not,  as  may  suit  his  convenience. 
The  letter  should  be  left  unsealed  by  the  writer. 

The  bearer  of  a  letter  of  introduction  should  send 
it  with  his  card.  He  would  thus  avoid  the  awkward- 


246  THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OF   POLITENESS. 

ness  of  waiting  for  a  recognition  while  the  party  to 
whom  it  is  addressed  reads  it.  The  latter  may  find 
it  inconvenient  to  receive  company,  and  the  card  would 
afford  him  an  opportunity  to  decline. 

But  if  the  letter  be  on  business,  it  should  be  pre- 
sented in  person.  Business  dispenses  with  ceremony. 
If  you  receive  a  letter  introducing  a  gentleman,  you 
should  at  once  leave  your  card  for  him  at  his  lodgings. 

Cards  are  indispensable  to  the  inter couse  of  polite 
society  ;  but  we  are  constrained  by  our  limited  space 
to  omit  specific  directions  for  their  use. 

Visits  of  ceremony  should  be  in  the  morning,  and 
should  not  last  more  than  five  to  twenty  minutes.  A 
card  left  at  the  door  suffices  for  a  morning  call,  among 
very  fashionable  people.  It  is  to  be  borne  in  mind 
that  in  the  fashionable  world,  morning  never  breaks 
earlier  than  eleven  o'clock,  and. usually  lasts  until 
three.  The  lady  who  receives  calls  should  do  so  at 
once,  or  send  a  servant  to  excuse  her.  When  the  call 
is  intended  for  both  the  gentleman  and  lady,  the  name 
of  the  latter  only  should  be  mentioned.  In  making 
a  morning  call,  a  gentleman  should  retain  his  hat  in 
his  hand,  which  the  lady  will  not  notice.  But  if  a 
longer  visit  is  intended,  the  hat,  overcoat,  &c..  should 
be  deposited  in  the  hall  before  entering  the  room. 

The  lady  of  the  house  should  never  trouble  her 
guests  with  her  household  derangements,  nor  the  gen- 


EVENING   PARTIES.  2-17 

tlcman  with  his  business.  The  topics  selected  for 
conversation  should  be  general,  and  of  an  agreeable 
nature.  If  the  company  agree  in  politics  or  religion, 
it  is  delightful  to  interchange  sentiments  and  impres- 
sions of  passing  events  ;  but  it  is  always  awkward,  if 
not  disagreeable  and  rude,  to  introduce  controverted 
questions.  Very  intelligent  and  polished  people  may 
discuss  politics  without  offence,  but  it  requires  the 
utmost  skill  and  delicacy  to  do  so  ;  and,  as  a  general 
rule,  all  such  discussions  run  into  unpleasant  disputa- 
tion. 

It  is  the  custom  in  Washington  for  two  or  more 
ladies,  during  the  day,  to  visit  the  Capitol,  the  Patent 
Office,  the  Smithsonian  Institution,  <fcc.,  unattended  by 
gentlemen,  as  otherwise  they  might  be  debarred  many 
enjoyments.  Where  it  is  inconvenient  for  a  lady  to 
find  a  female  companion  in  such  a  walk,  it  is  sufficient 
to  have  the  attendance  of  a  child. 


EVENING-  PARTIEa 

Evening  parties  are  most  appropriate  to  the  winter. 
They  are  discontinued  during  Lent,  but  may  be  re- 
sumed afterwards.  Cards  of  invitation  should  be  sent 
to  guests  some  days  beforehand,  and  the  latter  should 
immediately  accept,  or  decline  with  regrets.  The  cards 
should  be  in  the  name  af  the  lady,  either  written  or 
engraved.  Fashion  has  established  nine  o'clock  as 


248  THE    AMERICAN    CODE   OF   POLITENESS. 

the  hour  at  which  the  lady  should  be  in  her  parlor  to 
receive  her  guests  ;  and  from  that  hour  to  ten  the 
guests  are  expected  to  arrive. 

The  lady  should  have  everything  arranged,  so  that 
she  will  not  be  compelled  to  leave  her  guests  to  super^ 
intend  her  household.  The  guests  will  be  conducted 
to  the  dressing-rooms,  and  the  ladies,  having  adjusted 
their  toilets,  will  be  attended  to  the  drawing-room  by 
the  gentlemen  who  accompany  them.  A  servant  some- 
times announces  the  names  of  the  guests  as  they  enter 
the  room.  The  lady  will  precede  the  gentleman,  or 
lean  on  his  arm.  The  lady  of  the  house  will  be  near 
the  door  to  receive  them,  and  after  a  few  words  of 
greeting,  they  will  pass  on,  and  join  in  conversation 
with  any  of  their  acquaintances  who  may  be  present. 

Gentlemen  will  not  get  together  in  groups  to  the 
neglect  of  the  ladies. 

When  a  table  is  spread,  the  host  will  precede  his 
guests,  in  company  with  one  of  the  ladies,  followed 
by  the  hostess.  The  gentlemen  present  will  conduct 
the  ladies  in  a  like  manner. 

When  no  table  is  spread,  the  refreshments  will  be 
handed  around,  and  the  guests  will  help  themselves. 
At  intervals,  iced  beverages  will  be  passed  around  the 
rooms  for  the  refreshment  of  the  guests.  White  or 
very  light-colored  kid  gloves  are  worn  during  the 
evening,  except  at  supper. 


DINNERS.  249 

DINNERS, 

Invitations  to  dinner-parties  may  be  sent  out  from 
two  days  to  a  fortnight  before  the  appointed  time. 
They  should  be  in  the  name  of  the  lady,  and  the 
acceptance  or  declination  should  be  sent  immediately, 
addressed  to  her.  It  is  also  necessary  that  the  lady 
should  be  informed  if  any  guest,  after  accepting  the 
invitation,  will  be  prevented  by  subsequent  circum- 
stances from  attending.  The  invitations  should  specify 
the  hour  of  dining,  and  the  guests  should  be  punctual 
in  arriving.  In  Washington,  the  hour  for  dinner- 
parties is  from  four  to  seven  o'clock.  When  dinner 
is  announced,  each  gentleman  should  offer  his  left  arm 
to  a  lady,  if  the  dining-room  is  on  the  same  floor  7 
but  if  they  are  to  descend  the  stairs,  the  lady  should 
be  on  the  wall  side.  The  host  should  lead  the  way, 
and  the  lady  should  follow  the  company,  on  the  arm 
of  a  gentleman  of  the  party.  She  will,  of  course, 
take  the  head  of  the  table,  and  should  have  a  gentle- 
man on  either  side  to  assist  her  in  carving.  Her 
husband  should  sit  opposite  to  her,  with  a  lady  on 
each  side  of  him.  These  positions  next  to  the  host 
and  hostess  are  considered  the  places  of  honor.  Soup 
will  constitute  the  first  course,  which  must  be  noise- 
lessly sipped  from  the  side  of  the  spoon.  It  is  impo- 
lite to  ask  for  a  second  plate.  Fish  usually  follows 
soup.  It  is  helped  with  a  silver  fork,  and  eaten  with 
a  silver  fork,  assisted  by  a  piece  of  bread  held  in  tho 
left  hand. 

A  knife  of  the  usual  metal  is  deemed  highly  inju- 
II* 


250  THE   AMERICAN    CODE    OF   POLITENESS. 

rious  to  the  flavor  of  fisli.  After  this  course,  meat, 
fowls,  <tc.,  are  served.  The  napkins  are  to  be  unfolded 
and  spread  upon  the  knees.  Finger-glasses  will  be 
brought  on  with  the  dessert.  They  contain  warm 
water,  with  a  bit  of  lemon  in  it.  It  is  usual  to  clip  a 
corner  of  the  napkin  in  the  water,  and  wipe  the  lips  ; 
also  to  dip  the  fingers  in  and  wipe  them  on  the  napkin. 
It  is  highly  disgusting  to  spit  or  blow  the  nose  with  a 
loud  explosive  noise  at  the  table.  The  knife  is  never 
used  to  convey  food  to  the  mouth  ;  the  fork  being 
generally  sufficient  for  the  purpose  ;  or  it  may  be 
assisted  by  a  piece  of  bread  in  the  left  hand.  The 
servants  should  each  be  furnished  with  a  clean  white 
napkin,  with  which  to  handle  the  plates  of  the  guests. 
Clean  white  gloves  are  sometimes  used.  Wine  is  not 
drunk  until  the  second  course  is  over.  The  ladies  are 
helped  to  the  kind  of  wine  they  prefer  by  the  gentle- 
man next  to  them.  When  the  ladies  retire,  the  gen- 
tlemen should  rise  with  them,  and  stand  until  they 
leave  the  dining-room.  Coffee  may  be  served  either 
in  the  dining-room  or  parlor. 


DEPORTMENT  IN  THE  STREET. 

The  toilet  should  be  thoroughly  adjusted  before 
leaving  the  house,  even  to  the  putting  on  the  gloves. 
The  great  point  in  walking  is  to  be  natural.  All 
affected  airs  are  contemptible.  On  the  other  hand, 
an  awkward  or  slovenly  gait  should  not  be  mistaken 
for  a  natural  one. 


DEPORTMENT   IN   THE   STREET.  251 

A  gentleman  meeting  a  lady  acquaintance  should 
wait  to  be  recognized  by  her,  and  should  raise  his  hat 
while  bowing  to  her.  Also,  in  meeting  a  gentleman 
of  your  acquaintance  who  is  accompanied  by  a  lady, 
you  should  raise  your  hat  out  of  respect  to  her,  and 
he  should  respond  in  a  like  manner  to  your  salutation. 
If  a  gentleman  salutes  the  lady  you  accompany,  you 
should  return  it,  if  she  recognizes  it.  It  is  not  neces- 
sary to  take  off  the  gloves  in  shaking  hands  with  a 
lady,  neither  should  a  gentleman  make  the  advances. 
In  walking,  the  gentleman  should  keep  next  to  the 
carriage-way. 

A  gentleman  should  never  omit  a  punctilious  obser- 
vance of  the  rules  of  politeness  to  his  recognized  ac- 
quaintances, from  an  apprehension  that  he  will  not  be 
met  with  reciprocal  marks  of  respect.  For  instance, 
he  should  not  refuse  to  raise  his  hat  to  an  acquaint- 
ance who  is  accompanied  by  a  lady,  lest  her  escort 
should,  from  ignorance  or  stolidity,  return  his  polite 
salutation  with  a  nod  of  the  head. 

It  is  better  not  to  see  him,  than  to  set  the  example 
of  a  rude  and  indecorous  salutation.  In  all  such 
uases,  and  in  all  cases,  he  who  is  most  courteous  has 
Ihc  advantage,  and  should  never  feel  that  he  has 
jiade  a  humiliating  sacrifice  of  his  personal  dignity. 
l.t  is  for  the  party  whose  behavior  has  been  boorish  to 
have  a  consciousness  of  inferiority. 

A  gentleman  mooting  a  lady  acquaintance  on  the 


252  THE   AMERICAN    CODE   OF   POLITENESS. 

street,  should  not  presume  to  join  her  in  her  walk 
without  ascertaining  that  his  company  would  be  en- 
tirely agreeable.  It  might  be  otherwise,  and  she 
should  frankly  say  so.  A  married  lady  usually  leans 
upon  the  arm  of  her  husband  ;  but  single  ladies  do 
not,  in  the  day,  take  the  arm  of  a  gentleman,  unless 
they  are  willing  to  acknowledge  an  engagement. 
Gentlemen  always  give  place  to  ladies,  and  gentlemen 
accompanying  ladies,  in  crossing  the  street. 


BALLS. 

Balls,  to  which  anybody  who  chooses  may  go,  and 
take  whom  he  pleases,  by  buying  a  ticket,  are  avoided 
by  many  ladies,  and  with  good  reason.  But  select 
balls,  under  judicious  and  responsible  management, 
are  not  liable  to  this  objection.,  In  such  cases  the 
ladies  are  invited,  and  none  others  go.  The  gentle- 
man who  accompanies  a  lady  will  dance  the  first  set 
with  her.  She  may  then  dance  with  other  gentlemen. 
At  a  private  party,  a  gentleman  may  offer  to  dance 
with  a  lady  without  an  introduction,  but  at  balls  the 
rule  is  different.  The  gentleman  should  respectfully 
offer  his  arm  to  the  lady  who  consents  to  dance  with 
him,  and  lead  her  to  her  place.  At  the  conclusion  of 
the  set  he  will  conduct  her  to  a  seat,  offer  her  any  at- 
tention, or  converse  with  her.  A  gentleman  should 
not  dance  with  his  wife,  and  not  too  often  with  the 
lady  to  whom  he  is  engaged. 


THE   PRESIDENT.  253 

VISITS  TO  OFFICIAL  PERSONS  OX  BUSINESS. 

Calls  upon  the  cabinet  and  other  administrative 
officers  in  Washington  upon  official  business,  should 
be  made  during  business  hours,  at  their  respective  of- 
fices. The  visitor  should  be  provided  with  a  card, 
which  the  messenger  will  deliver.  He  should  briefly 
state  his  business,  and  remain  not  a  moment  longer 
than  is  necessary.  Members  of  Congress  may  be  seen 
at  their  lodgings,  or  at  the  capitol  while  the  Houses 
are  in  session.  Very  little  ceremony  is  necessary  if 
the  visitor  be  an  influential  constituent. 


THE  PRESIDENT, 

The  President  has  a  grand  levee  on  the  first  of 
January,  when  people  crowd  to  the  executive  mansion 
in  such  numbers,  that  of  late  years  it  has  been  found 
necessary  to  shut  the  doors,  and  only  admit  as  many 
at  one  time  as  can  be  conveniently  accommodated  with 
space  within.  After  this  opening  levee,  which  occurs 
in  the  morning,  the  President  has  periodical  levees  on 
a  certain  evening  of  each  week,  or,  since  Mr.  Buchan- 
an's term  commenced,  every  fortnight.  These  are  also 
well  attended,  The  public  are  admitted  indiscrimi- 
nately on  these  occasions,  but  no  refreshments  are  of- 
fered. The  marshal  for  the  district  introduces  the 
public.  The  President  has  also  a  sort  of  weekly  sum- 
mer levee  in  the  south  grounds,  in  which  the  perform- 
ance of  the  marine  band  is  the  principal  attraction. 


254  THE   AMERICAN    CODE    OF    POLITENESS. 

The  President  is  accessible  to  private  individuals 
who  desire  to  see  him  on  business,  and  he  has  also  set 
apart  an  hour  or  two  on  certain  days  in  each  week  for 
receiving  the  friendly  visits  of  the  public.  These  reg- 
ulations are  often  varied,  and  we  therefore  refrain 
from  giving  them.  The  President  never  accepts  in- 
vitations to  dinner,  or  makes  social  visits.  An  invita- 
tion to  dine  with  the  President  is  accepted,  notwith- 
standing a  previous  engagement.  It  is  proper  to  ad- 
dress him  as  Mr.  President. 

On  New  Year's  day  the  New  York  custom  prevails 
in  Washington  of  keeping  open-house.  Not  only  the 
President  and  cabinet,  but  many  other  gentlemen,  of- 
ficial and  private,  have  adopted  it,  and  furnish  their 
voluntary  guests  with  refreshments. 

We  have  thus  given  the  leading  rules  and  principles 
of  Washington  etiquette.  To  supply  all  the  details  of 
ceremony  in  social  and  official  life  would  require  a 
volume,  and  compel  us  to  depart  from  the  plan  which 
we  had  marked  out  for  ourselves." 


TABLE  WIT  AND  ANECDOTES. 


ALL  men  are  bound  to  be  especially  amiable  at  table, 
and  every  thing  tart  and  ill-natured  is,  therefore,  care- 
fully avoided.  But  yet,  the  graceful  sally  and  happy 
retort  are  often  among  the  most  spicy  and  mirth-pro- 
voking events  at  a  feast.  A  celebrated  scholar  and 
wit  was  selecting  some  of  the  choicest  delicacies  on 
the  table,  when  a  rich  friend  said  to  him,  "  What  I  do 
philosophers  love  dainties  ?'7  "  Why  not  ?"  replied  the 
scholar  ;  "  do  you  think  all  the  good  things  of  this 
world  were  made  only  for  blockheads  ?" 

This  would  be  sure  to  "  set  the  table  in  a  roar,"  be- 
cause it  was  a  tilt  between  two  friends  and  equals, 
and  the  question  was  asked  for  the  purpose  of  provok- 
ing a  wit's  reply. 

Once  when  Lord  Chesterfield  came  late  to  dinner, 
an  illustrious  guest  said  to  him,  "  What,  my  lord,  you 
so  late!  we  have  already  drank  six  bottles  of  .wine." 
"  That,"  said  his  lordship,  "  is  more  than  I  can  wal- 
low." 

An  English  traveller  dining  at  a  French  ordinary 
in  Soho,  seeing  a  large  dish  of  soup  with  about  half  a 


256  TABLE    WIT   AND    ANECDOTES 

pound  of  mutton  in  the  middle  of  it,  began  to  pull  off 
his  coat  and  vest,  at  which  a  French  gentleman  asked 
him  what  he  was  going  to  do  ?  "  Why,  monsieur," 
said  he,  "  I  am  going  to  see  if  I  can  swim  through  this 
ocean  of  porridge  to  yon  little  island  of  mutton." 

A  party  of  wags  and  litterateurs  were  lately  dining 
at  Delmonico's,  when,  after  the  bottle  had  made  its 
tenth  round,  one  of  the  company  proposed  this  toast — • 
"  To  the  man  whose  wife  was  never  false  to  him  !" 
upon  which  a  wag  of  an  old  bachelor  jumped  up  and 
said,  "  Gentlemen,  as  I  am  the  only  unmarried  man  at 
this  table,  I  suppose  that  that  toast  was  intended  for 


Monsieur  Charles  Nalo,  an  eminent  French  trans- 
lator, being  employed  on  an  American  work,  came  to 
the  words,  moose  deer ;  he  flew  to  his  dictionary,  but 
could  find  no  such  word  as  moose,  but  finding  the  word 
mouse,  he  concluded  that  that  was  the  word,  which  had 
been  misprinted  moose,  and  so  he  translated  moose 
deer — '  great  mice,  six  feet  high,  with  antlers.' 

A  Frenchman,  having  been  but  a  short  time  in  New 
York,  was  invited  to  partake  of  a  large  bowl  of 
punch,,  a  liquor  which  he  had  never  tasted  before. 
The  next  day,  speaking  of  his  entertainment,  he  asked 
"  Yat  de  call  dat  liqueur  dat  be  all  contradiction : 
where  is  de  brandy  to  make  him  strong,  and  de  water 
to  make  him  weak,  de  sugar  to  make  him  sweet,  and 
de  lemon  to  make  him  sour  ?"  "  I  suppose  you  mean 


TABLE  WIT   AND    ANECDOTES.  257 

punch"  said  one.     "  Aye, punch  /"  said  monsieur  ;  "  it 
almost  puncliee  out  ray  brains  last  night !" 

A  witty  gentleman  was  dining  with  a  nobleman,  and 
as  the  company  was  talking  of  a  voyage  to  India, 
some  glasses  of  cape  wine  were  handed  round  the 
table.  All  the  guests  expressed  their  praises  of  its 
exquisite  flavor,  and  wished  much  to  have  a  second 
taste  of  it.  But  when  the  gentleman  found  it  was  in 
vain  to  indulge  tins  hope,  he  turned  to  the  person  who 
sat  next  to  him,  and  happily  alluding  to  the  voyage  to 
India,  said,  "  As  we  cannot  double  the  cape,  suppose  we 
go  back  to  Madeira." 

Dean  Swift,  having  dined  with  a  rich  miser,  pro- 
nounced the  following  grace  after  dinner  : 

"  Thanks  for  this  miracle !  it  is  no  less 
Than  finding  manna  in  the  wilderness. 
In  midst  of  famine  we  have  found  relief, 
And  seen  the  wonder  of  a  chine  of  beef  1 
Chimneys  have  smoked  that  never  smoked  before  . 
And  we  have  dined  where  we  shall  dine  no  more." 

A  nobleman  once  asked  a  clergyman,  who  was  din- 
ing at  the  bottom  of  the  table,  "  Why  the  goose  was 
always  placed  next  to  the  parson  ?"  "  Really,"  said 
he,  "  I  can  give  no  reason  for  it ;  but  your  question  is 
so  odd,  that  I  shall  never  see  a  goose  again  without 
thinking  of  your  lordship." 

The  great  Scythian,  Anacharsis,  said,  that  "  The 
vine  produces  three  sorts  of  grapes  :  the  first,  of 


258         TABLE  WIT  AND  ANECDOTES. 

pleasure  ;  the  second,  of  intoxication  ;  the  third,  of 
repentance." 

A  French  officer,  demanding  his  salary  from  the 
minister  of  war,  declared  that  he  was  in  danger  of  dy- 
ing of  hunger.  The  minister,  who  saw  that  his  visage 
was  full  and  ruddy,  told  him  his  face  gave  the  lie  to 
his  statement.  "  Ah !  sir,"  said  the  officer,  "  don't  trust 
that — this  face  is  not  mine  ;  it  belongs  to  my  landlord, 
who  has  given  me  credit  for  a  long  time  past." 

A  vintner,  to  whom  Ben  Jonson  was  indebted,  in 
vited  him  to  dinner,  and  toli  him  if  he  would  give 
him  an  immediate  answer  to  the  following  questions, 
he  would  forgive  him  his  debt :  "  What  is  God  best 
pleased  with  ;  what  is  the  devil  best  pleased  with  ; 
what  is  the  world  best  pleased  with  ;  and  what  am  I 
best  pleased  with  ?  "  Ben,  without  the  least  hesitation, 
gave  the  following  reply  : 

"  G-od  is  best  pleased,  when  men  forsake  their  sin ; 
The  devil's  best  pleased  when  they  persist  therein; 
The  world's  best  pleased  when  thou  dost  sell  good  wine  ; 
And  you're  best  pleased  when  I  do  pay  for  mine." 

In  a  company  where  Cardinal  Pole  was,  the  con- 
versation turned  on  a  young  man  who  was  very 
learned,  but  very  noisy  and  turbulent.  The  cardinal 
remarked,  that  "  Learning,  in  such  young  men,  is  like 
new  wine  in  the  vat ;  but  after  it  is  put  into  a  vessel, 
having  gathered  its  strength  together,  it  settles,  and  is 
quiet  and  still." 


TABLE    V7IT   AND    ANECDOTES.  259 

Lord  Chesterfield  complained  very  much  at  an  iun 
where  he  dined,  that  the  plates  were  dirty.  The 
waiter,  with  a  degree  of  pertness,  observed,  that 
"  Every  one  must  eat  a  peck  of  dirt  before  he  dies." 
"  That  may  be  true,"  said  his  lordship  ;  "  but  no  one 
is  obliged  to  eat  it  all  at  a  meal." 

A  noble  bibber  was  one  day  asked  which  could  drink 
the  most  wine,  himself  or  his  brother — a  good  three- 
bottle  man,  but  also  famous  for  taking  care  of  his  mo- 
ney. "  Oh,"  said  his  lordship,  "  I  have  no  chance  with 
my  brother — he  will  drink  any  given  amount." 

The  author  of  "  The  Parson's  Daughter,"  when  sur- 
prised one  evening  in  his  arm-chair,  two  or  three  hours 
after  dinner,  is  reported  to  have  apologized  by  saying, 
"  When  one  is  alone  the  bottle  does  come  round  so 
often."  On  a  similar  occasion,  Sir  Hercules  Languish, 
on  being  asked,  "  Have  you  finished  all  that  port 
(three  bottles)  without  assistance?"  answered,  "No, 
not  quite  that ;  I  had  the  assistance  of  a  bottle  of 
Madeira." 

A  wit  was  at  an  entertainment,  where  at  first  they 
gave  him  excellent  wine,  but  after  the  fourth  or  fifth 
glass  some  sour  stuff.  "  These  people,"  said  he,  "  I 
suppose,  take  me  for  a  cannon,  which  has  to  be  waslnd 
with  vinegar  after  every  three  or  four  rounds." 

A  tavern-keeper,  who  opened  an  oyster-shop  as  an 
appendage  to  his  other  establishment,  was  upbraided 


260         TABLE  WIT  AND  ANECDOTES. 

by  a  neighboring  oyster-monger  as  being  ungenerous 
and  selfish.  "And  why  not  ?  "  said  lie  ;  "  would  you  not 
have  nie  sd-jisli  ?  " 

In  a  company  of  bon  vivants,  as  the  toast  circulated, 
a  delicate  gentleman  simpered  out,  Mirth  and  inno- 
cence. The  jolly  dog,  whose  sentiment  followed,  gave 
in  a  similar  tone  of  voice,  Milk  and  ivater. 

A  country  booby  boasting  of  the  numerous  acres 
he  enjoyed,  Ben  Jonson  peevishly  told  him,  that 
"  For  every  acre  you  have  of  land  I  have  an  acre  of 
wit."  The  other,  filling  his  glass,  said,  "  My  service 
to  you,  Mr.  Wiseacre." 

The  Cretan  philosopher,  Demonax,  was  asked  if  it 
was  allowable  for  wise  men  to  drink  wine.  "  Surely," 
said  he,  "  you  cannot  think  that  nature  made  grapes 
only  for  fools." 

A  man,  reeling  out  of  an  ale-house,  was  hiccoughing 
out  the  praises  of  porter,  which  was,  he  said,  both  meat 
and  drink.  He  shortly  after  tumbled  into  a  ditch,  on 
which  his  companion  observed,  it  was  also  lodging  and 
washing. 

A  lady  tendered  a  dish  of  fruit  to  a  gentleman  at 
table,  with  this  compliment :  "  Sir,  this  is  not  forbid 
den  fruit,  if  you  please  to  cat."  He  replied,  "  Madam, 
by  one  sign  infallibly  it  should  be,  for  I  see  it  conies 
just  now  from  paradise." 


TABLE  WIT  AND  ANECDOTES.          261 

Erasmus,  on  account  of  a  sickly  constitution,  ob- 
tained a  dispensation  for  eating  meat  ii.  times  of  ab- 
stinence. Being  reproached  by  the  pope  for  not  ob- 
serving lent,  he  replied,  "  I  assure  your  holiness  that  I 
have  a  Catholic  heart,  but  I  must  confess  that  I  have  a 
Lutheran  stomach." 

Voltaire  said  to  a  beautiful  lady  with  whom  he  was 
dining :  "  Your  rivals  are  the  perfection  of  art,  but 
you  are  the  perfection  of  nature." 

Zeno,  the  philosopher,  was  once  asked  if  wise  men 
ever  fall  in  love.  He  answered,  "  If  wise  men  do  not 
fall  in  love,  beautiful  women  must  be  very  unfortunate." 

Louis  XII.  one  day  reproached  a  prelate  with  the 
luxury  of  his  manner  of  living,  and  told  him  that  the 
clergy  did  not  live  so  splendidly  in  the  early  ages. 
"  No,  sire,"  said  the  prelate,  "  not  in  the  times  of  the 
Shepherd  Kings" 

It  was  wittily  said  of  a  great  calumniator,  and  a  fre- 
quenter of  other  people's  tables,  that  he  never  opened 
his  mouth  but  at  another  man's  expense. 

Two  ladies,  of  high  fashion,  as  they  entered  the 
rooms  of  a  hotel  at  a  watering-place,  met  a  fat  lady 
coming  out  who  was  finely  dressel.  "See,"  said  one 
of  them  in  a  half  whisper,  "  there  is  beef  a-la-mode  going 
out."  "  Yes,"  answered  the  othei  "  and  there  is  game 
coming  in." 


262  TABLE  WIT   AND   ANECDOTES. 

A  friend  asked  Crebillou  why  he  had  introduced  so 
much  terror  into  his  tragedies.  "  I  had  no  alternative," 
said  he  ;  "  Corneille  has  taken  the  heavens,  Racine  the 
earth,  and  I  had  nothing  left  but  the  infernal  regions." 

La  Lande  was  one  day  dining  with  a  gentleman 
whose  beer  was  better  hopped  than  malted  ;  and  when 
the  host  asked  the  poet  how  he  liked  his  beer,  he  re- 
plied, "  By  the  faith  of  my  body  it  is  very  well  hopped  ; 
but  if  it  had  hopped  a  little  further,  it  had  hopped  into 
the  water." 

A  party  of  black-legs  were  at  a  coffee-room  at  Ep- 
som, during  the  races,  dining  at  the  same  time.  War- 
ren Hastings  was  taking  his  dinner.  A  gentleman 
present  said,  in  a  low  voice,  "  What  a  wretched  set  is 
here !"  "  And  yet,"  replied  Hastings,  "  they  are  your 
betters." 

Lord  Summerville,  in  a  party  of  ladies  and  gentle- 
men, propounded  his  plan  for  cultivating  the  wastes  of 
Africa,  when  a  witty  old  maid  present  whispered,  loud 
enough  to  be  heard,  that  she  thought  it  a  most  un- 
charitable idea,  while  so  many  waists  remained  unim- 
proved at  home. 

Three  gentlemen,  going  into  a  hotel  together,  one 
said  to  the  waiter,  "  Bring  me  a  glass  of  brandy-and- 
water,  I  am  so  hot !  "  Another  said,  "  Bring  me  some 
gin-and-sugar ;  I  have  just  had  a  chill"  The  other 
cried  out,  "Bring  me  a  rum-punch,  because  I  Wee  it." 


TABLE    WIT   AND    ANECDOTES.  263 

Fox,  during  the  early  part  of  his  political  career, 
once  became  terribly  enraged  at  a  tradesman,  who  in- 
solently urged  the  payment  of  a  bill,  and  threat  rued 
to  "  kick  him  to  hell."  "  If  you  do,"  was  the  reply, 
"  I  will  tell  your  father  how  you  are  spending  his 
money." 

A  poor  wit,  who  was  told  that  his  jokes  had  fur- 
nished daily  food  for  conversation — "  Then,"  said  he, 
"  conversation  has  thrived  better  on  them  than  I 
have." 

"  War,"  said  an  ugly  old  woman,  "  is  a  'keen  ravish- 
er"  "  Faith,"  replied  a  wit,  in  an  undertone,  "  he 
must  be,  if  he  meddles  with  you." 

A  nobleman,  who  was  about  to  marry  a  lady  of 
great  fortune,  was  asked  one  day  at  dinner,  how  long 
he  thought  honeymoon  would  last,  and  replied,  "  Don't 
talk  of  honeymoon,  it  is  harvest-moon  with  me." 

An  abstemious  nobleman,  chiding  one  of  his  work- 
men for  inebriety,  observed,  "It  is  very  odd  that  all 
good  workmen  are  addicted  to  drunkenness."  "  Then," 
answered  the  man,  "  I'presume  that  your  lordship  is 
not  a  good  workman." 

Two  friends  at  table, — one  said,  reading  the  paper, 
11  There  was  a  man  hanged  this  morning — one  Vowd." 
"  Well,"  said  the  other,  "  let  us  be  thankful  that  it  was 
neither  U  nor  7." 


264  TABLE  WIT  AND   ANECDOTES. 

An  English  gentleman,  entertaining  his  friends  witl 
some  excellent  claret,  remarked  that  he  sent  a  couple 
of  hounds  over  to  France,  and  received  in  return  a 
hogshead  of  this  wine.  "  Then,"  said  one  of  the  com- 
pany, " it  is  dog  cheap" 

A  poor  man  was  once  asked  what  three  things  he 
would  have,  if  he  could  obtain  them  by  wishing. 
"  First,"  said  he,  "  I  would  have  as  much  fat  bacon  as 
I  could  eat ;  next,  I  would  have  as  much  ale  as  I 
could  drink."  Puzzled  for  a  third  object  of  happiness, 
he  at  last  said,  "  Hang  it !  I  will  have  a  little  more 
ale!" 

A  man  with  eleven  daughters  was  complaining  to  a 
friend  that  he  found  it  hard  to  live.  "  You  must  hus- 
band your  time/''  said  the  other,  "  and  then  you  will  do 
well  enough."  "  I  could  do  much  better,"  was  the  re- 
ply, "  if  I  could  husband  my  daughters." 

When  Cobbett  kept  a  stationer's  shop  at  Philadel- 
phia, and  was  writing  under  the  name  of  "  Peter  Por- 
cupine," a  young  sub  went  to  buy  some  quills,  and 
thinking  to  pass  a  joke  upon  Peter,  asked  him  if  % they 
were  not  Porcupine's  quills  ?  Upon  which  Cobbett, 
taking  up  the  red-coat's  mone^,  dryly  replied,  making 
at  the  same  time  a  very  profound  bow,  "  Oh  !  no,  sir ! 
they  are  a  goose's !" 

"  Sally,"  said  an  amorous  lover,  speaking,  the  other 
day,  to  his  intended,  "  give  me  a  kiss ;  will  you, 
Sally  ?"  "  No,  I  sha'n't,"  said  Sally—"  help  yourself." 


TABLE  WIT  AND  ANECDOTES.         260 

The  evening  before  a  battle,  an  officer  asked  Mar. 
Bhal  Toiras  for  permission  to  go  and  see  his  father, 
who  was  at  the  point  of  death.  "  Go,"  said  the  Mar- 
shal, who  saw  through  his  pretext — "  honor  thy 
father  and  mother,  that  thy  days  may  be  long  in  the 
land." 

Dr.  Johnson  treated  Mrs.  Siddons,  who  called  upon 
him  in  Bold  Court,  with  the  most  marked  politeness. 
Frank,  his  servant,  could  not  immediately  bring  her  a 
chair.  "  You  see,  madam,"  said  the  Doctor,  "  wherever 
you  go,  how  difficult  it  is  to  find  seats." 

Milton,  that  glory  of  British  literature,  received 
not  above  £10,  at  two  different  payments,  for  the  copy- 
right of  "  Paradise  Lost,"  yet  Mr.  Hoyle,  author  of  a 
treatise  on  the  game  of  whist,  after  having  disposed 
of  all  the  first  impression,  sold  the  copyright  to  a 
bookseller  for  200  guineas. 

There  is  a  young  man  in  Cincinnati  who  is  so  mod- 
est that  he  will  not  "  embrace  an  opportunity."  He 
would  make  a  good  mate  for  the  lady  who  fainted  when 
she  heard  of  the  naked  truth. 

The  late  witty  Samuel  William  Kiley,  author  of  the 
"  Itinerant,"  seeing  a  proud  and  sullen  calf  of  sixty 
swelling  down  Lord  street,  Liverpool,  accosted  him 
politely,  touching  his  hat — "  Excuse  me,  sir,  stopping 
you  in  the  street,  but  I  just  wished  to  inquire  the  rent 
of  the  house  No.  10  Great  George  street?"  "Sir," 
12 


266  TABLE  WIT   AND    ANECDOTES. 

replied  his  haughtiness,  "  I  have  no  house  in  Great 
George  street."  "  Oh !  I  beg  a  thousand  pardons,  sir," 
said  Mr.  K.,  "I  thought  all  the  town  belonged  to 
you." 

Washington  was  visiting  a  lady  in  his  neighbor- 
hood, and  on  his  leaving  the  house  a  little  girl  was 
directed  to  open  the  door.  In  passing  the  child  he 
said,  "I  aru  sorry,  my  dear,  to  give  you  so  much  trou- 
ble." "  I  wish,  sir,"  she  replied,  "  it  was  to  let 
you  in." 

A  gentleman  looking  at  his  watch,  just  after  mid- 
night, remarked,  "  It  is  to-morrow  morning  ;  I  must  bid 
you  good-night." 

Home  Tooke,  being  asked  by  George  III.  whether 
he  played  at  cards,  replied,  "  I  cannot,  your  Majesty, 
tell  a  king  from  a  knave." 

Not  long  since,  a  person  threw  the  head  of  a 
goose  on  to  the  stage  of  the  Belleville  theatre.  Cortru, 
advancing  to  the  front,  said,  "  Gentlemen,  if  any 
among  you  has  lost  his  head,  do  not  be  uneasy,  for 
I  will  restore  it  on  the  conclusion  of  the  perform- 


An  amiable  enthusiast,  a  worshipper  of  nature  after 
the  manner  of  Rousseau,  being  melted  into  feelings  of 
universal  philanthropy  by  the  softness  and  serenity  of 
a  spring  morning,  resolved  that,  for  that  day  at  least. 


TABLE  WIT   AND    ANECDOTES.  267 

no  injured  animal  should  pollute  his  "board  ;  and,  hav- 
ing recorded  his  vow,  he  walked  six  miles  to  a  hamlet 
famous  for  fish  dinners,  where,  without  an  idea  of 
breaking  his  sentimental  engagement,  he  regaled  him- 
self on  a  small  matter  of  crimped  cod  and  oyster- 
sauce.  This  reminds  one  of  a  harmless  piece  of  quiz- 
zing in  the  "  Quarterly  Review," — that  although  the 
Pythagorean  Sir  Richard  Phillips  would  not  eat  ani- 
mal food,  he  was  addicted  to  gravy  over  his  potatoes. 

It  was  suggested  to  a  distinguished  gourmand  what 
a  capital  dish  all  fins  (turbots'  fins)  might  be  made. 
"  Capital !"  said  he  ;  "dine  with  me  to-morrow."  "Ac- 
cepted." Would  you  believe  it  ?  when  the  cover  wag 
removed,  the  sacrilegious  dog  of  an  ainphitryon  had 
put  into  the  dish,  "  Cicero  de  finibus  !  "  "  There  is  a 
work  all  fins,"  said  he. 

The  voice,  if  very  strong  and  sharp,  will  crack  a 
drinking-glass.  One  evening,  at  a  party  at  the  London 
Coffee-house,  Ludgate  Hill,  Mr.  Broadhurst,  the  well- 
known  tenor,  by  singing  a  high  note,  caused  a  wine- 
glass on  the  table  to  break,  the  bowl  being  separated 
from  the  stem. 

Dr.  Franklin  pleasantly  observed,  that  the  only 
animals  created  to  drink  water  are  those  who,  from 
their  conformation,  are  able  to  lap  it  up  on  the  fac<? 
of  the  earth  ;  whereas,  all  those  who  can  convey  theij 
hands  to  their  mouth  were  destined  to  enjoy  the  juict 
of  the  grape. 


268  TABLE  WIT   AND   ANECDOTES. 

One  of  Lord  Byron's  odd  fancies  was  dining  at  all 
sorts  of  out-of-the-way  places.  Somebody  popped 
upon  him  in  a  coffee-house  in  the  Strand,  where  the 
attraction  was,  that  he  paid  a  shilling  to  dine  with  his 
hat  on.  This  he  called  his  "  hat-house." 

Talleyrand  being  asked  if  a  certain  authoress,  whom 
he  had  long  since  known,  but  who  belonged  rather  to 
the  last  age,  was  not  "  a  little  tiresome. "  "  Not  at  all," 
said  he,  "  she  is  perfectly  so." 

Salutation  is  the  touchstone  of  good-breeding. 
There  have  been  men,  since  Absalom,  who  have  owed 
their  ruin  to  a  bad  bow. 

A  bow  (says  La  Fontaine)  is  a  note  drawn  at  sight. 
If  you  acknowledge  it,  you  must  pay  the  full  amount, 

Perhaps  the  best  retort  upon  a  lie  is  to  outwit  it,  as 
Galba  did,  when  a  courtier  told  him  that  he  had 
caught  eels  in  Sicily  five  feet  long.  "  That,"  replied 
the  emperor,  "  is  no  wonder,  for  there  they  are  so  long 
that  the  fishermen  use  them  for  ropes." 

"What  the  bottle  tells,  (and  it  is  generally  a  great 
tell-tale,)  perhaps  it  is  the  duty  of  friendship  to  keep 
secret. 

Johnson  is  somewhat  cynical  upon  the  above  maxim 
of  the  ancients.  A  man  who  is  well  warmed  with 
wine  will  speak  truth  j  "  this,"  he  observes,  "  may  be 
an  argument  for  drinking,  if  you  suppose  men  in  gene- 


TABLE  WIT  AND  ANECDOTES.          209 

ral  to  be  liars  ;  but  I  would  not  keep  company  with  a 
fellow  who  lies  as  long  as  he  is  sober,  and  whom  you 
must  make  drunk  before  you  can  get  a  word  of  truili 
out  of  him." 

"  I  have  nothing  to  give,"  is  a  thoughtless  reply  to  a 
street-beggar,  for  we  forget  the  old  moralist :  "  It  is  not 
necessary  that  alms  should  always  come  out  of  a  sack. 
A  man  may  be  charitable,  though  he  hath  not  an  ex- 
panding plenty."  Of  the  undeserving  poor,  when  one 
blamed  Aristotle  for  giving  to  a  man  of  dissolute 
habits,  he  answered,  "  I  gave  not  to  the  manners,  but 
to  the  man." 

The  most  celebrated  wits  and  Ion  vivants  of  tho 
day  graced  the  dinner-table  of  the  late  Dr.  Kitchiner, 
and,  inter  alia,  the  late  George  Colman,  who  was  an 
especial  favorite.  His  interpolation  of  a  little  mono- 
syllable in  a  written  admonition  which  the  doctor 
caused  to  be  placed  on  the  mantel-piece  of  the  dining- 
parlor,  will  never  be  forgotten,  and  was  the  origin  of 
such  a  drinking-bout  as  was  seldom  permitted  under 
his  roof.  The  caution  ran  thus  :  "  Come  at  seven,  go 
at  eleven."  Coleman  briefly  altered  the  sense  of  it  ; 
for,  upon  the  doctor's  attention  being  directed  to  the 
card,  he  read,  to  his  astonishment,  "  Come  at  seven,  go 
in  at  eleven !"  which  the  guests  did,  and  the  claret  was 
furnished  accordingly. 

It  being  reported  that  Lady  Caroline  Lamb  had,  in. 
a  moment  of  passion,  struck  down  one  of  her  pages 


270  TABLE  WIT   AND    ANECDOTES. 

with  a  stool,  the  poet  Moore,  to  whom  this  was  told 
by  Lord  Strongford,  observed  :  "  Oh  !  nothing  is  move 
natural  for  a  literary  lady  than  to  double  down  a 
3age."  "  I  would  rather,"  replied  his  lordship,  "  ad- 
vise Lady  Caroline  to  turn  over  a  new  leaf." 

Charles  Lamb  said  once  to  a  brother  whist-player, 
VQO  was  a  hand  more  clever  than  clean,  and  who  had 
enough  in  him  to  afford  the  joke  :  "  M.,  if  dirt  were 
trumps,  what  hands  you  would  hold  I" 

Kennofc,  Lord  Mayor  of  London,  in  the  year  1780, 
began  life  as  a  waiter,  and  his  manners  never  rose 
above  his  original  station.  When  he  was  summoned 
to  be  examined  before  Parliament  on  "  the  riots,"  one 
of  the  members  observed  :  "  If  you  ring  the  bell,  Ken- 
net  will  come,  of  course."  On  being  asked  why,  on 
the  breaking  out  of  the  riot,  he  did  not  send  for  the 
posse  comitatus,  he  replied,  he  did  not  know  where  the 
fellow  lived,  else  he  would.  One  morning,  at  the  Al- 
derman's Club,  lie  was  at  a  whist-tuble,  and  Mr.  Alder- 
man PugL,  a  dealer  in  soap,  was  at  his  elbow  :  "  Ring 
the  bell,  soap-suds,"  said  Kennet,  in  his  coarse  way. 
"  Ring  it  yourself,  bar,"  replied  Pugh,  "  you  Vo  been 
twice  as  much  used  to  it  as  I  have." 

A  lady,  complaining  Low  rapidly  time  stole  away, 
said  :  "  Alas !  I  am  near  thirty."  Scarron,  who  was 
present,  and  knew  her  ags,  caid  :  "  Do  not  fret  at  it, 
madam,  for  you  will  get  ftr&er  from  that  frightful 
epoch  every  day." 


TABLE  WIT  AND  ANECDOTES.         271 

Lord  North,  whoa  contemptuously  alluded  to  by 
Fox,  as  "  That  thing  termed  a  minister,"  replied  :  "  The 
honorable  gentleman  calls  me  a  tiling,  and  (patting  his 
ample  stomach)  an  unshapely  thing  I  am  ;  but  when  he 
adds,  tliat  thing  termed  a  minister,  he  calls  me  that 
•which  he  himself  is  most  anxious  to  become ;  and, 
therefore,  I  take  it  as  a  compliment." 

When  Lord  Bath  was  told  of  the  determination  of 
turning  out  Pitt,  and  letting  Fox  remain  in  the  minis- 
try, he  said  it  put  him  in  mind  of  a  story  of  the  Gun- 
powder Plot.  The  Lord  Chamberlain  was  sent  to  ex- 
amine the  vaults  under  the  Parliament  House,  and 
returning  with  his  report,  said  "  He  had  found  five- 
and-twenty  barrels  of  gunpowder— that  he  had  removed 
ten  of  them,  and  hoped  the  other  fifteen  would  do  no 
harm." 

Madame  Dacicr  remarks,  that  Homer  makes  no  men- 
tion of  any  boiled  meats  ;  and  in  all  the  entertain- 
ments described  by  him,  (as  in  the  dinner  given  by 
Achilles  in  the  ninth  Iliad,)  the  pi&ce  de  resistance,  or 
principal  dish,  undoubtedly  is  a  broil,  from  which  it 
may  be  inferred  that  the  Greeks  had  not  as  yet  dis- 
covered the  art  of  making  vessels  to  bear  fire.  This 
discovery  is  supposed  to  have  reached  them  from  Egypt, 
and  they  rapidly  turned  it  to  the  best  account;  for 
the  Athenians,  in  particular,  seem  to  have  as  much  ex- 
celled the  rest  of  Greece  in  gastronomy,  as  the  French, 
the  modern  nation  most  nearly  resembling  them,  excel 
the  rest  of  Europe  in  this  respect. 


272  TABLE   WIT   AND  ANECDOTES. 

Among  the  witty  aphorisms  upon  an  unsafe  topic, 
are, — Lord  Alvanley's  description  of  a  man  who  "  mud- 
dled away  his  fortune  in  paying  his  tradesmen's  bills  ;7r 
Lord  Oxford's  definition  of  timber,  as  "  an  excrescence 
on  the  face  of  the  earth,  placed  there  by  Providence 
for  the  payment  of  debts ;"  and  Pelham's  argument,. 
"  That  it  is  respectable  to  be  arrested,  because  it  shows 
that  the  party  once  had  credit," 

Henderson,  the  actor,  was  seldom  known  to  be  in  a 
passion.  When  at  Oxford,  he  was  one  day  debating 
with  a  fellow-student,  who,  not  keeping  his  temper, 
threw  a  glass  of  wine  in  the  actor's  face,  when  Hen- 
derson took  out  his  handkerchief,  wiped  his  face,  and 
coolly  said  :  •'  That,  sir,  was  a  digression ;  now  for  the 
argument." 

Theodore  Hooke's  Code  of  Card-table  Signals,  in  his 
clever  novel  of  Gilbert  Gurney,  might  be  very  effect- 
ually reduced  to  practice.  "  Never,"  says  he  "  let  man 
and  wife  play  together  at  whist.  There  are  always 
family  telegraphs ;  and  if  they  fancy  their  looks  are 
watched,  they  can  always  communicate  by  words.  I 
found  out  that  I  could  never  win  of  Smingsmay  and  his 
wife.  I  mentioned  this  one  day,  and  was  answered  ; 
'  No,  you  never  can  win  of  them.'  '  Why  ? '  said  I. 
1  Because,'  said  my  friend, '  they  have  established  a  code.' 
*  Dear  me,'  said  I,  '  signals  by  looks  ? '  *  No,'  said  he, 
'  by  words.  If  Mrs.  Smingsmay  is  to  lead,  Smingsmay 
says,  "  Dear,  begin  ;"  dear  begins  with  a  d,  so  do  dia- 
monds, and  out  comes  one  from  the  lady.  If  he  lias 


TABLE  WIT  AND  ANECDOTES.         273 

to  lead,  and  she  says,  "  S.,  my  love,"  she  wants  a  spade. 
Smingsmay  and  spade  begin  with  the  same  letter,  an  d, 
sure  enough,  down  comes  a  spade.  "  Harriet,  my  dear, 
how  long  you  are  sorting  your  cards!"  Mrs.  Smings- 
may stumps  down  a  heart,  and  a  gentle  "  Come,  my 
love,"  on  either  side,  produces  a  club.7 " 

There  has  been  in  all  governments  a  great  deal  of 
absurd  canting  about  the  consumption  of  spirits.  We 
believe  the  best  plan  is  to  let  people  drink  what  they 
like,  and  wear  what  they  like  ;  to  make  no  sumptuary 
laws  either  for  the  belly  or  the  back.  In  the  first 
place,  laws  against  rum,  and  rum-and-water,  are  made 
by  men  who  can  change  a  wet  coat  for  a  dry  one  when- 
ever they  choose,  and  who  do  not  often  work  up  to 
their  knees  in  mud  and  water  ;  and,  in  the  next  place, 
if  this  stimulus  did  all  the  mischief  it  is  thought  to  do 
by  the  wise  men  of  claret,  its  cheapness  and  plenty 
would  rather  lessen  than  increase  the  avidity  with 
which  it  is  at  present  sought  for. — Sydney  Smith. 

Thalwall  and  Coleridge  were  sitting  once  in  a  beau- 
tiful recess  in  the  Quantock  hills,  when  the  latter  said  • 
"  Citizen  John,  this  a  fine  place  to  talk  reason  in ! ' 
"  Nay,  citizen  Samuel,"  replied  he,  "  it  is  rather  a  place 
to  make  a  man  forget  that  there  is  any  necessity  for 
treason." 

In  1517,  Sigismund  de  Pietrichstein  established  a 
Temperance  Society,  under  the  auspices  of  St.  Chris- 
topher ;  a  similar  association  was  formed  in  1600  by 
12* 


274:  TABLE  WIT  AND   AXECDOTrA 

Maurice,  Duke  of  Hesse  ;  the  rules  of  whi^A  allowed 
a  knight  to  drink  seven  bocavx,  or  glasses,  it  each 
meal,  but  only  twice  in  the  day  I 

Talleyrand  not  only  said  but  did  many  witty  \-hings. 
On  the  death  of  Charles  X.,  he  drove  through  Paris 
for  a  couple  of  days,  wearing  a  white  hat.  He  carried  a 
crape  in  his  pocket.  When  he  passed  through  the  Faux- 
bourg  of  the  Carlists,  the  crape  was  instantly  twisted 
round  his  hat ;  when  he  came  into  the  quarter  of  the 
Tuileries,  the  crape  was  instantly  slipt  off  and  put 
into  his  pocket  again. 

It  is  not  only  ill-breeding,  but  a  sign  of  bad  taste, 
to  be  late.  It  may  sound  very  fine  to  be  called  the 
late  Mr.  So-and-so  ;  it  is  an  easy  mode  of  attracting 
attention  to  drawl  out  an  inquiry  about  the  soups  of 
the  season,  as  if  you  had  never  had  the  good  fortune 
to  be  present  at  a  first  course  ;  but  it  is  far  from 
pleasant  to  find  the  woman  you  wish  most  to  sit  by 
monopolized,  and  yourself  planted  between  the  bore 
and  the  gap,  as  we  once  heard  a  lady  describe  her  po- 
sition, with  Sir  A on  her  left  and  an  unoccupied 

chair  upon  her  right. 

The  most  unptmctual  persons  ever  known  were  two 
brothers,  celebrated  time  immemorial  in  the  place- 
holding  world.  The  late  Lord  Dudley  used  to  say 
of  them,  that  if  you  asked  Robert  for  Wednesday  at 
seven,  you  would  have  Charles  on  Thursday  at  eight. 

An  illiterate  person,  who  always  volunteered  to  "  go 


TABLE  WIT  AXD  ANECDOTES.         275 

round  with  the  hat,"  but  was  suspected  of  sparing  his 
own  pocket,  overhearing  once  a  hint  to  that  effect,  re- 
plied :  "  Other  gentlemen  puts  down  what  they  thinks 
proper,  and  so  do  I.  Charity's  a  private  concern,  and 
what  I  give  is  nothing  to  nobody." 

Some  young  Americans,  travelling  on  horseback 
among  the  White  Mountains,  became  inordinately 
thirsty,  and  stopped  for  milk  at  a  house  by  the  road- 
side. They  emptied  every  basin  that  was  offered,  and 
still  wanted  more.  The  woman  of  the  house  at  length 
brought  an  enormous  bowl  of  milk,  and  set  it  down 
on  the  table,  saying  :  "  One  would  think,  gentlemen, 
you  had  never  been  weaned." 

Coleridge  relates  :  "  I  have  had  a  good  deal  to  do 
with  Jews  in  the  course  of  my  life,  although  I  never 
borrowed  any  money  of  them.  The  other  day  I  was 
what  you  z&\\  floored  by  a  Jew.  He  passed  me  several 
times,  crying  out  for  old  clothes  in  the  most  nasal  and 
extraordinary  tone  I  ever  heard.  At  last,  I  was  so 
provoked  that  I  said  to  him  :  "  Pray,  why  can't  you 
say  '  old  clothes  '  in  a  plain  way,  as  I  do  now  ?"  The 
Jew  stopped,  and  looking  very  gravely  at  me,  said,  in 
a  clear  and  even  fine  accent :  "  Sir,  I  can  say  *  old 
clothes  '  as  well  as  you  can  ;  but  if  you  had  to  say  so 
ten  times  a  minute,  for  an  hour  together,  you  would 
ray  '  O'jh  do,'  as  I  do  now  ;"  and  so  he  marched  off. 
I  was  so  confounded  with  the  justice  of  his  retort, 
that  I  followed  and  gave  him  a  shilling,  the  only  one 
I  had. 


276  TABLE   WIT   AND    ANECDOTES. 

"  Once  I  sat  in  a  coach  opposite  a  Jew — a  symbol  of 
old  clothes-bags — an  Isaiah  of  Holy  well  street.  He 
would  close  the  window  ;  I  opened  it.  He  closed  it 
again  ;  upon  which,  in  a  very  solemn  tone,  I  said  to 
him  :  "  Son  of  Abraham  !  thou  smellest ;  son  of  Isaac ! 
thou  art  offensive  ;  son  of  Jacob  !  thou  stinkest  foully. 
See  the  man  in  the  moon !  he  is  holding  his  nose  at 
that  distance  ;  dost  thou  think  that  I,  sitting  here,  can 
endure  it  any  longer  ?"  My  Jew  was  astonished  ;  he 
opened  the  window  forthwith  himself,  and  said,  "  He 
was  sorry  he  did  not  know  before,  I  was  so  great  a 
gentleman." 

Swift  is  characterized  by  Coleridge,  as  the  soul  of 
Rabelais  dwelling  in  a  dry  place.  Can  anything  beat 
his  remark  on  King  William's  motto,  (Recepit,  non 
rapicet,)  "  that  the  receiver  was  as  bad  as  the  thief"? 

After  all,  clubs  are  not  altogether  so  bad  a  thing 
for  family-men.  They  act  as  conductors  to  the  storms 
usually  hovering  in  the  air.  The  man  forced  to  re- 
main at  home,  and  vent  his  crossness  on  his  wife  and 
children,  is  a  much  worse  animal  to  be  with  than  the 
man  who  grumbles  his  way  to  Pall  Mall,  and,  not  dar- 
ing to  swear  at  the  club-servants,  or  knock  about  the 
club-furniture, becomes  socialized  into  decency.  Noth- 
ing like  the  subordination  exercised  in  a  community 
of  equals  for  reducing  a  fiery  temper. 

A  shoemaker  in  Piccadilly,  determined  to  astonish 
the  world,  had  put  up  a  motto  from  Euripides  over  his 


TABLE   WIT   AND    ANECDOTES.  277 

window.  Bannister  happened  to  be  passing  with  Por- 
son.  "  That  is  Greek,"  said  Bannister.  "What!  are 
you  acquainted  with  Greek  ?"  asked  the  profebsor, 
with  a  laugh.  "  I  know  it  by  sight/7  was  the  reply. 

George  Selwyn,  happening  to  be  at  Bath  when  it 
was  nearly  empty,  was  induced,  for  the  mere  purpose 
of  killing  time,  to  cultivate  the  acquaintance  of  an 
elderly  gentleman  he  was  in  the  habit  of  meeting  at 
the  Rooms.  In  the  height  vof  the  following  season, 
Selwyn  encountered  his  old  associate  in  St.  James 
street.  He  endeavored  to  pass  unnoticed,  but  in  vain. 
"  What,  don't  you  recollect  me  ?"  exclaimed  the  cuttce. 
"  I  recollect  you,  perfectly,"  replied  Selwyn  ;  "  and 
when  I  next  go  to  Bath  I  shall  be  most  happy  to  be- 
come acquainted  with  you  again." 

Drinking  super  nagidum,  or  on  the  nail,  was  a  north- 
ern custom,  which  consisted  in  having  only  one  drop 
in  the  cup,  which  was  poured  upon  the  thumb-nail  to 
prove  that  justice  had  been  done  to  the  toast ;  or,  to 
use  the  language  of  modern  drinkers,  the  glass  wag 
cleared.  The  custom  is  alluded  to  by  Bishop  Hall,  in 
his  Mundus  alter  et  Idem,  in  which  the  Duke  of  Tender- 
belly  exclaims,  "  Let  never  this  goodly-formed  goblet 
of  wine  go  jovially  through  me  ;"  and  then  he  set  it 
to  his  mouth,  stole  it  of  every  drop,  save  a  little  re- 
maining, which  he  was  by  custom  to  set  upon  his 
thumb-nail,  and  lick  off.  In  Fletcher  we  find  the 
phrase,  "I  am  thine  ad  vngeum;"  which  meant,  he 
was  ready  to  drink  with  him  to  this  extent. 


278  TABLE    WIT   AND   ANECDOTE?.. 

Some  one  remarked  to  Mrs.  Siddons  that  applause 
was  necessary  tc  actors,  as  it  gave  them  confidence. 
"  More,"  replied  the  actress,  "  it  gives  us  breath." 

A  Ion  vivant  being  observed  by  a  friend,  who  had 
not  seen  him  for  a  long  time,  to  be  downcast  in  his 
countenance,  and  very  unlike  himself,  was  asked 
whether  anything  serious  had  befallen  him.  "  Nothing 
of  that  sort,"  was  his  reply,  "  but  I  am  quite  an  altered 
character  ;  I  have  left  off  drinking."  "  Indeed  !"  re- 
plied his  friend,  rather  astounded  at  the  assertion, 
"  and  since  when  ?"  "  Since  two  o'clock  this  morn- 
ing," was  the  facetious  reply,  the  speaker's  countenance 
resuming  its  usual  cast  of  good-humor  and  mirth. 

Hobbs  once  said  to  a  celebrated  book-worm  :  "  If  J 
had  read  as  many  volumes  as  you  have  done,  I  should 
have  been  as  ignorant  as  you  are." 

The  pleasures  of  the  table  have  never  been  incom- 
patible with  the  gifts  of  genius,  or  the  investigations 
of  the  understanding.  "  I  cannot  conceive,"  says  Dr. 
Johnson,  "  the  folly  of  those  who,  when  at  table,  think 
of  every  thing  but  eating  ;  for  my  part,  when  I  am 
there,  I  think  of  nothing  else  ;  and  whosoever  does  no* 
trouble  himself  with  this  important  affair  at  dinner,  or 
supper,  will  do  no  good  at  any  other  time."' 

Lady  Blessington  remarks,  that  people  who  wear 
creaking  shoes  or  boots  are  precisely  those  who  are 
most  addicted  to  locomotion. 


TABLE  WIT   AND   AXECDOTES.  279 

An  English  gentleman,  wanting  a  dessert-service  of 
porcelain  made  after  a  particular  pattern,  sent  over 
to  China  a  specimen  dish,  ordering  that  it  should  be 
exactly  copied  for  the  whole  service.  It  unfortunate- 
ly happened  that  in  the  dish  so  sent  over  the  Chinese 
manufacturer  discovered  -a  crack  ;  the  consequence 
was,  that  the  entire  service  sent  over  to  the  party  or- 
dering it  had  a  crack  in  each  article,  carefully  copied 
after  the  original. 

Hooke  dedicated  the  first  volume  of  his  Roman 
History  to  Pope,  which,  he  said,  was  "  like  hanging 
out  a  sign  with  a  great  flourish  at  the  bottom  of  it,  to 
catch  the  traveller  as  he  goes  by." 

Old  Dick  Baldwin  stoutly  maintained  that  no  man 
ever  died  of  drinking.  "  Some  puny  things,"  he  said, 
"  have  died  learning  to  drink,  but  no  man  ever  died 
of  drinking."  Now  B.  was  no  mean  authority,  for  he 
Fpoke  from  great  practical  experience,  and  was,  more- 
over, many  years  treasurer  of  St.  Bartholomew's  hos- 
pital. 

Mr.  Bentham  has  thus  formally  refuted  the  common 
fallacy  as  to  the  cruelty  of  skinning  live  eels  :  "  No  eel 
is  used  to  be  skinned  successively  by  several  persons  ; 
but  one  and  the  same  person  is  used  successively  to 
skin  several  eels." 

The  meeting  of  two  gentlemen  in  the  theatre  lobby 
is  a  happy  illustration  of  the  confusion  a  similarity  of 
dress  occasions.  Coming  from  different  points,  each 


280  TABLE   WIT   AND    ANfiCDOTES. 

in  a  great  hurry,  one  addressed  the  otner  with,  "  Pray, 
are  you  the  box-keeper?77  "  No,7'  replied  the  other, 
"are  you?77 

The  French,  a  very  sober  people,  have  a  proverb  : — 

"  Qu'ilfaut)  a  chaque  mois, 
S'enivrer  au  mains  unefois;" 

which  has  been  improved  by  some,  on  this  side  of  the 
water,  into  an  excuse  for  getting  drunk  every  da)'  in 
the  week,  for  fear  that  the  specific  day  should  be  missed. 
It  would,  however,  startle  some  sober  persons  to  find 
this  question  made  a  grave  argument,  yet :  "  whether 
it  is  not  healthful  to  be  drunk  once  in  a  month,77  is 
treated  of  by  Dr.  Carr  in  his  letters  to  De  Quincey. 

Lord  Bolingbroke  shrewdly  notes  :  "  I  have  ob- 
served, that  in  comedy  the  best  actor  plays  the  part 
of  the  droll,  while  some  scrub  is  made  the  hero,  or  fine 
gentleman.  So,  in  this  farce  of  life,  wise  men  pass 
their  time  in  mirth,  whilst  fools  only  are  serious.77 

Nothing  is  a  courtesy  unless  it  be  meant  for  us,  and 
that  friendly  and  lovingly.  We  owe  no  thanks  to 
rivers,  that  they  carry  our  boats  ;  or  winds,  that  they 
be  nourishing  ;  for  these  are  what  they  are,  neces- 
sarily. Horses  carry  us  ;  trees  shade  us  ;  but  they 
know,  it  not. — Ben  Jonson. 

Sheridan  had  a  Bardolph  countenance,  with  heavy 
features  ;  but  his  eye  possessed  the  most  distinguished 
brilliancy.  Mathews  said  it  was  very  simple  in  Torn 


TABLE   WI1    AND    AXECDOTE8.  281 

Moore  to  admire  how  Sheridan  came  by  the  means  of 
paying  the  price  of  Drury  Lane  Theatre,  when  all  the 
world  knows  that  he  never  paid  it  at  all. 

A  gentleman  from  Ireland,  on  entering  a  London 
tavern,  saw  a  countryman  of  his,  a  Tipperary  squire, 
sitting  over  his  pint  of  wine  in  the  coffee-room. 
"  Blood  an'  ounds  !  my  dear  fellow,"  said  he,  "  what 
are  you  about  ?  For  the  honor  of  Tipperary,  don't 
be  after  sitting  over  a  pint  of  wine  in  a  house  like 
this."  "  Make  yourself  aisy,  countryman,"  was  the 
reply  ;  "  its  the  seventh  I  have  had,  and  every  one  in 
the  room  knows  it." 

Though  an  habitual  valetudinarian,  Moliere  relied 
almost  entirely  upon  the  temperance  of  his  diet  for  the 
^establishment  of  his  health.  "  What  use  do  you  make 
of  our  physician  ?  "  said  the  king  to  him  one  day.  "We 
chat  together,  sire,"  said  the  poet.  "  He  gives  me  his 
prescriptions :  I  never  follow  them ;  and  so  I  get 
well." 

Horace  Walpole  relates  :  "  At  a  great  supper  t'other 
night  at  Lord  Hertford's,  Lady  Coventry  said,  in  a 
vulgar  accent,  *  If  she  drank  any  more,  she  should  be 
muckibus.'  '  Lord  ! '  said  Lady  Mary  Coke,  *  what 
is  that  ? '  'Oh  !  its  Irish  for  sentimental.' " 

In  the  reign  of  Henry  VIII.  it  was  a  recommenda- 
tion for  a  servant  if  he  could  bear  a  quantity  of  strong 
drink  :  part  of  his  good  character,  in  times  when  it 


282         TABLE  WIT  AND  ANECDOTES. 

was  accounted  a  point  of  hospitality,  that  the  guests 
in  the  kitchen  should  be  made  as  drunk  as  their  mas- 
ters in  the  dining-hall. 

Ude,  when  in  Paris,  had  fallen  in  love,  and  matters 
were  nearly  brought  to  matrimony.  Previous  to  this 
conclusion,  Ude,  however,  prudently  made  a  calcula- 
tion (he  was  an  excellent  steward)  of  the  expenses  of 
married  life,  and  in  the  estimate  set  down  Madame's 
expenditure  at  so  many  louis.  Now,  Ude  customarily 
conveyed  his  billets  in  an  envelope  of  pates,  and  he  in- 
tended to  shroud  his  offer  in  a  pate  d'Amande,  but, 
unfortunately,  in  the  confusion  of  love  and  cookery,  the 
estimate  of  house-keeping  was  sent  instead  of  the  pro- 
posal. The  next  day  Ude  was  apprised  of  his  mistake 
by  a  letter  from  his  mistress,  stating  the  high  estima- 
tion in  which  she  held  M.  Ude  ;  but  that  as louis 

were  too  small  an  allowance  for  a  woman  of  fashion, 
she  must  decline  the  honor  of  becoming  Madame  Ude. 
The  story  got  wind,  and  by  a  sort  of  lusus  a  non 
lucendo  analogy,  the  name  of  Pate  d'Amande  was 
changed  into  Pate  d'Amour. 

The  Count  Altamira,  a  splendid  little  man,  four  feet 
two  inches  high,  could  boast  of  the  title  of  Prince, 
with  three  dukedoms,  although  he  used  the  ancient 
title  as  the  chiefest  honor.  He  would  never  bow  his 
neck  to  the  yoke  of  Napoleon  ;  and  he  it  was  who 
made  the  appr-opriate  reply  to  Wittol,  Charles  IV., 
when  he  said,  "  Cousin,  what  a  little  fellow  you  are  I " 
"  Yes,  sire  ;  but  in  my  own  house  I  am  a  great  one." 


TABLE   WIT  AND   ANECDOTES.  283 

Cambaceres,  second  consul  under  the  French  repub- 
lic, and  arch-chancellor  under  the  empire,  having  one 
dny  been  detained  in  consultation  with  Napoleon  bo 
yond  the  appointed  hour  of  dinner,  begged  pardon  for 
suspending  the  conference,  as  it  was  absolutely  nec- 
essary for  him  to  dispatch  a  special  messenger  im- 
mediately ;  then  seizing  a  pen,  he  wrote  this  billet  to 
his  cook  :  "  Sauvez  les  entremets — les  entrees  sont 
perducs." 

A  patriotic  Frenchman  has  observed :  "  I  regard  the 
discovery  of  a  dish  as  a  far  more  interesting  event 
than  the  discovery  of  a  star,  for  we  have  always  stars 
enough,  but  can  never  have  too  many  dishes  ;  and  T 
shall  not  regard  the  sciences  as  sufficiently  honored, 
or  represented  among  us,  until  I  see  a  cook  in  the  first 
class  of  the  Institute." 

Alexander  Newell,  Bean  of  St.  Paul's,  and  Master 
of  Westminster  School,  in  the  reign  of  Queen  Mary, 
was  an  excellent  angler.  But,  says  Fuller,  whilst 
Newell  was  -  catching  of  fishes,  Bishop  Bonner  was 
catching  of  Newell,  and  would  certainly  have  sent 
him  to  the  shambles,  had  not  a  good  London  merchant 
conveyed  him  away  upon  the  seas.  Newell  was  fish- 
ing upon  the  banks  of  the  Thames,  when  he  received 
the  first  intimation  of  his  danger,  which  was  so  press- 
ing, that  he  dare  not  go  back  to  his  own  house  to 
make  any  preparation  for  his  flight.  Like  an  honest 
angler,  he  had  taken  with  him  provision  for  the  day  ; 
and  when  in  the  first  year  of  England's  deliverance 


284  TABLE   WIT   AND    ANECDOTES. 

he  returned  to  liis  country,  and  his  own  haunts,  he  re- 
membered that,  on  the  day  of  his  flight,  he  had  left  a 
bottle  of  beer  in  a  safe  place  on  the  bank  :  there  he 
looked  for  it,  and  "  found  it  no  bottle,  but  a  gun — 
such  the  sound  at  the  opening  thereof  ;  and  this  (says 
Fuller)  is  believed  (casualty  is  mother  of  more  inven- 
tion than  industry)  the  original  of  bottled  ale  in 
England.'7 

Mrs.  Moles  worthy,  who  was  the  daughter  of  the 
Right  Honorable  Lord  Molesworthy,  of  Ireland,  was 
a  fine  wit  and  poetess  in  her  day,  which  was  about  the 
time  of  Milton.  She  was  quite  as  free  in  some  of  her 
jokes  as  some  of  our  modern  strong-minded  women. 
The  following  epigram  on  a  gallant  lady  is  hers  : 

"  O'or  this  marble  drop  a  tear, 
Here  lies  fair  Rosalinda  ; 
All  mankind  was  pleased  with  her, 
Aud  she  with  all  mankind  " 

In  a  poem  entitled  Runaway  Love,  she  makes  Venus 
offer  the  following  extraordinary  reward  for  the  appre- 
hension of  her  son,  Cupid  : 

"  And  he  that  finds  the  boy  shall  have 
The  sweetest  kiss  I  ever  gave ; 
But  he  that  brings  him  to  my  arms. 
Shall  master  be  of  all  my  charms." 

At  a  literary  party  at  Strawberry  Hill,  12th  Sep- 
tember, 1734,  Mr.  Walpole  remarked  that,  at  a  certain 
time  of  their  lives,  men  of  genius  seem  to  be  in  floiver. 


TABLE  WIT  AND   ANECDOTES.  285 

Said  he :  "  Gray  was  in  flower  three  years  when  he 
wrote  his  Odes  j"  and  he  added,  laughing,  "  had  Gray 
lived  a  hundred  years  longer,  perhaps  he  would  never 
have  been  in  flower  again." 

Dominico,  the  harlequin,  going  to  see  Louis  XI Y. 
at  supper,  fixed  his  eye  on  a  dish  of  partridges.  The 
king,  who  was  fond  of  his  acting,  said :  "  Give  that 
dish  to  Dominico."  "And  the  partridges,  too,  sire." 
Louis  being  pleased  at  his  wit,  replied  :  "  And  the 
partridges,  too."  The  dish  was  gold. 

A  French  wit  being  very  ill,  his  landlord  begged 
him  to  settle  his  account.  The  poor  author,  who  saw 
that  everything  was  charged  exorbitantly  high,  wrote 
at  the  bottom  of  the  account,  "  If  I  die,  let  it  pass — if  I 
live,  for  revised." 

A  marquis  said  to  a  financier  :  "  I  would  have  yon 
to  know  that  I  am  a  man  of  quality."  "  And  I,"  re- 
plied the  financier,  "  would  have  you  to  know  that  I 
am  a  man  of  quantity" 

Some  astronomers,  who  had  been  making  observa- 
tions, thought  they  perceived  several  spots  on  the  sun. 
Yoiture  happened  shortly  afterwards  to  be  in  com- 
pany, when  he  was  asked  if  there  was  any  news :  "  None," 
said  he,  "  but  I  hear  very  bad  reports  of  the  sun." 

A  gascon  being  at  the  play,  was  seated  in  the  pit, 
and  as  he  kept  constantly  fidgeting  about,  his  sword 


286          TABLE  WIT  AND  ANECDOTES. 

got  entangled  in  the  legs  of  those  who  sat  beside  him. 
"  Sir,"  said  an  officer,  fiercely,  "your  sword  annoys  me." 
"  Yery  likely,  sir,"  said  the  gascon,  coolly,  "  I  believe 
it  Has  annoyed  a  good  many." 

The  Duchess  Dowager  of  Bolton,  who  was  a  natural 
daughter  of  the  Duke  of  Monmouth,  used  to  divert 
George  I.  by  affecting  to  make  blunders.  Once  when 
she  had  been  at  the  play  of  "  Love's  Last  Shift,"  she 
called  it,  "  La  dernier  chemise  de  I' Amour." 

At  another  time  she  pretended  to  come  to  court  in  a 
great  fright,  and  the  king  asking  the  cause,  she  said 
she  had  been  at  Mr.  Whiston's,  who  told  her  the  world 
would  be  burnt  up  in  three  years,  and,  for  her  part, 
she  was  determined  to  go  to  China. 

The  Abbd  Regnier,  secretary  of  the  French  Academy, 
was  collecting  in  his  hat  from  each  member  a  contri- 
bution for  a  certain  purpose.  The  president,  Roses, 
one  of  the  forty,  was  a  great  miser,  but  had  paid  his 
quota,  which  the  Abbe  not  perceiving,  he  presented  the 
hat  a  second  time.  Roses,  as  was  to  be  expected,  said 
he  had  already  paid.  "  I  believe  it,"  answered  Reg- 
nier, "  though  I  did  not  see  it."  "  And  I,"  added  Fon- 
tenelle,  who  was  beside  him,  "  I  saw  it,  but  I  do  not 
believe  it." 

Cardinal  de  Bernis,  when  only  an  Abbe,  solicited 
Cardinal  Fleury,  then  four-score,  for  some  preferment. 
Fleury  told  him  fairly  he  should  never  have  anything 


TABLE   WIT   AND    ANECDOTES.  287 

in  his  time.     Bernis  replied  :  MonseigneuT  fattendrer, 
"My  lord,  I  shall  wait." 

• 

Francis  I.  was  one  day  playing  at  ten-pins,  when  a 
monk,  who  was  playing  on  his  side,  by  a  successful 
stroke  insured  the  victory  to  the  king's  party.  "  Well 
done !"  said  the  king  ;  "  a  brave  stroke  for  a  monk  !J> 
"  Sire,"  replied  the  monk,  "  your  majesty  can  make  it 
the  blow  of  an  Abbd  when  you  please."  Soon  after- 
wards the  Abbaye  of  Bourmazen  became  vacant,  and 
the  king  gave  it  to  him. 

An  advocate  of  the  king,  in  pleading,  used  to  put 
his  arms  in  such  a  position  that  he  seemed  to  be  level- 
ling them  at  the  court.  The  president,  a  man  of  hu- 
mor, tired  of  this  eternal  gesture,  said  to  him  one  day, 
"  Raise  your  piece  a  little,  sire  ;  you  will  hurt  some- 
body." 

On  the  18th  of  October,  1609,  the  daughter  of  the 
Count  de  Crequi,  aged  nine,  was  married  to  the  Mar- 
quis de  Rohan,  the  son  of  the  Duke  de  Sully.  The 
minister,  Dumoulin,  seeing  the  bride  approach,  said, 
"  Do  you  present  this  child  to  be  baptized  ?" 

When  Fox  came  last  into  power,  he  was  one  day 
talking  to  Mr.  Sheridan  about  new  taxes.  "  Why," 
said  Mr.  Sheridan,  "  that  is  not  my  department ;  all  I 
think  is,  that  we  should  be  careful  not  to  meddle  with 
any  that  reach  oursel  yes."  "  Aye !"  rejoined  Mr.  Fox, 
"  what  then  think  you  of  one  on  receipts  /" 


288  TABLE  WIT  AND   ANECDOTES. 

The  Abbe  do  la  Riviere  was  praising  very  highly 
the  Due  d'Orleans,  the  uncle  of  Louis  XII.,  in  the 
presence  of  his  daughter.  Among  other  things,  he 
said,  "  He  was  a  very  wise  and  pious  prince,  and  a 
man  of  great  worth."  "  True,"  replied  Mademoiselle 
d'Orleans,  "  you  ought  to  know  better  than  any  one, 
for  you  have  sold  him  often  enough." 

Louis  XII.  one  day  looking  at  himself  in  his  mir- 
ror, was  astonished  to  see  a  number  of  grey  hairs  on 
his  head.  "  Ah  I"  said  he,  "  these  must  be  owing  to 
the  long  speeches  I  have  listened  to  ;  and  it  is  those 

of    M.   le in  particular,  that  have  ruined  my 

hair." 

M.  Bossuet,  Bishop  of  Meaux,  at  eight  years  of  age, 
preached  a  sermon  at  the  Hotel  de  Rambouillet.  It 
was  nearly  midnight  when  he  closed,  and  Yoiture,  who 
was  present,  said,  as  he  rose  to  go,  "  I  have  never 
heard  a  sermon  so  early — or  so  late." 

Bantin,  in  presenting  a  poet  to  M.  d'Hemery,  said, 
"  Sir,  I  present  you  a  person  who  can  give  you  immor- 
tality ;  but  you  must  give  him  something  to  live  upon 
meanwhile." 

Augustus  Nicholas  died  just  at  the  time  when  a  poll- 
tax  was  about  to  be  levied,  and  the  wits,  who  knew 
his  avaricious  disposition,  said  he  died  to  avoid  it,  and 


TABLE   WIT   AND    ANECDOTES.  289 

made  an  epigram  on  him  to  that  effect,  declaring  that, 
when  Charon  asked  him  for  his  fare,  he  exclaimed  : 

"  0  cruel  fate  !  in  vain  I  fled ! 
We  pay  a  poll-tax  when  we're  dead !" 

mrnm 

An  admirer  of  some  of  our  modern  poets  said  to 
the  learned  Professor  Porson,  about  fifty  years  ago, 
that  Wordsworth  and  some  others  of  his  school  would 
be  read  after  Milton,  Dryden,  and  Pope  were  forgot- 
ten. "  Yes/'  replied  the  professor,  "  but  not  before." 

During  our  Revolutionary  war,  an  interview  took 
place  at  Ward's  Point,  between  Lord  Howe  and  Dr. 
Franklin.  Lord  Howe  was  profuse  in  his  expressions 
of  gratitude  to  the  State  of  Massachusetts,  for  erect- 
ing a  marble  monument,  in  Westminster  Abbey,  to  his 
elder  brother,  Lord  Howe,  who  was  killed  in  America 
in  the  last  French  war,  saying,  "he  esteemed  that 
honor  to  his  family  above  all  things  in  this  world. 
That  such  was  his  gratitude  and  affection  to  this  coun- 
try, on  that  account,  that  he  felt  for  America  as  for  a 
brother,  and  if  America  should  fall  he  should  feel  and 
lament  it  like  the  loss  of  a  brother."  Dr.  Franklin, 
with  an  easy  air,  and  a  collected  countenance,  a  bow, 
a  smile,  and  all  that  naivete  which  sometimes  appeared 
in  his  conversation,  and  is  often  observed  in  his  writ- 
ings, replied  :  "  My  Lord,  we  will  do  our  utmost  en- 
deavors to  save  your  lordship  that  mortification" 

Le  P&re  Arius  said,  "  When  le  Pere  Bourdaloue 
13 


290  TABLE   WIT   AND    ANECDOTES. 

preached  at  Rouen,  the  tradesmen  forsook  their  shops, 
lawyers  their  clients,  physicians  their  sick  ;  but  when 
I  preached  the  following  year,  I  set  all  to  rights,  every 
man  minded  Ms  own  business." 

Scipio  Nasica,  the  cousin  of  the  great  Scipio,  called 
nne  day  on  Ennius,  the  poet,  whose  servant  (though  his 
master  was  at  home)  denied  him.  Soon  after,  Ennius 
returned  the  visit,  and  was  told  by  Scipio  himself  that 
he  was  not  at  home.  "  Nay,"  said  Ennius,  "  I  know 
you  are,  I  hear  your  voice."  "  You  are  a  fine  fellow, 
indeed,"  replied  Scipio,  "When  I  called  the  other 
day  on  you,  I  believed  the  maid  who  told  me  you  were 
not  at  home,  and  now  you  will  not  believe  me,  although 
you  have  my  own  word  for  it." 

The  learned  professor  and  principal  of  the  Academy 
of  Sauniur,  used  to  spend  five  hours  every  morning  in 
his  study,  but  was  very  punctual  at  dinner.  One  day, 
on  his  not  appearing  precisely  at  the  dinner  hour,  his 
wife  entered  his  study  and  found  him  still  reading.  "  I 
wish,"  said  the  lady,  "  that  I  were  a  book."  "  Why  so  ?  " 
replied  the  professor.  "  Because  you  would  then  be 
constant  to  me."  "I  should  have  no  objection,"  re- 
joined the  professor,  "provided  you  were  an  alma- 
nac." "Why  an  almanac,  my  dear?"  "Because  I 
should  then  have  a  new  one  every  year." 


In  the  times  of  Diogenes,  an  infamous  character,  of 
great  intellectual  note,  had  the  following  inscription 


TABLE   WIT   AND    ANECDOTES. 

written  above  his  door.  "  Let  nothing  bad  enter  this 
door."  "  And  where,"  said  Diogenes,  "  shall  the  mas- 
ter of  the  house  enter  ? ' 

Joshua  Barnes,  the  famous  professor  of  Greek  at 
Cambridge,  was  remarkable  for  a  very  extensive  mem- 
ory, but  also  for  the  weakness  of  his  judgment ;  and 
when  he  died,  the  wits  wrote, 

"  Hie  jacet  Joshua  Barnes, 
Felicissimee  memoriae, 
Expectans  judicium." 

Here  lies  Joshua  Barnes  of  most  happy  memory, 
waiting  for  judgment. 

The  Marquis  del  Carpio,  a  grandee  of  Spain,  was 
once  giving  the  holy  water  to  a  lady,  who  presented 
him  a  skinny,  ugly  hand,  ornamented  with  a  costly 
diamond,  and  he  said  loud  enough  to  be  heard,  Quis- 
iera  mas  la  sortija  que  la  mano :  i.  e.,  "I  had  rather 
have  the  ring  than  the  hand."  The  lady,  taking  hold 
instantly  of  the  golden  collar  of  his  order,  said,  Ego  el 
cdbestro  que  el  asno :  i.  e.y  "  And  I  the  halter,  rather 
than  the  ass." 

Mr.  Pye,  who  was  made  poet-laureate  at  the  begin- 
ning of  this  century,  was  a  man  of  great  learning,  and 
much  was  therefore  expected  of  him.  His  first  ode 
was  on  the  king's  birth,  and  it  was  distinguished  for 
nothing  but  its  frequent  allusions  to  vocal  groves  and 


292  TABLE   WIT   AND   ANECDOTES. 

feathered  choir.     George  Stevens,  a  facetious  wit  of 
the  times,  read  it,  and  immediately  exclaimed : — 

"  When  the  Pye  was  opened 
The  birds  began  to  sing  I 
And  was  n't  that  a  dainty  dish 
To  set  before  a  king  f" 

Queen  Margaret,  of  France,  wife  of  Henry  IY.,  was 
provoked  by  one  of  many  beggars,  to  say  Pauper  ubi- 
que  jacet — "  the  poor  lie  everywhere !  "  when  the  men- 
dicant, to  her  surprise,  exclaimed  : — 

11  In  thalamis,  Regina,  tuis  hoc  node  jacerem, 
Siforet  hoc  verum,  Pauper  ubique  jacet — " 
Thy  bed  then,  Queen  !  this  night  I  should  lie  there, 
If  it  were  true,"*"  The  poor  He  everywhere  !  " 

To  which  the  Queen  retorted  : — 

"  Carceris  in  tenebris  plorans  hoc  nodejaceres, 
Si  foret  hoc  verum,  'Pauper  ubique  jacet — '  " 
A  prison  dark !  this  night  you  should  lie  there, 
If  it  were  true,  "  The  poor  lie  everywhere." 

When  Dante  was  at  the  Court  of  II  Signore  della 
Scala,  the  sovereign  of  Yerona,  the  prince  said  to  him 
one  day :  "  I  wonder,  Signor  Dante,  that  a  man  so 
learned  as  you  are  should  be  hated  by  all  my  court, 
and  this  fool,"  pointing  to  his  favorite  buffoon,  who 
stood  by  him,  "  should  be  by  all  beloved."  Dante  re- 
plied :  "  Your  Excellency  would  wonder  less,  if  you  con' 
sidered  that  we  like  those  ~beM  who  most  resembte  our- 
selves." 


TABLE  WIT  AND  ANECDOTES.         293 

Cicero  one  day  sent  for  Pophilius  Cotta,  a  professor 
of  civil  law,  to  be  a  witness  in  a  case  which  he  was 
trying.  The  professor  came,  but  on  entering  the  court, 
declared  that  he  "  knew  nothing  of  the  matter"  "  Don't 
be  in  a  hurry,"  exclaimed  Cicero  ;  "  you  think,  perhaps, 
that  I  am  going  to  examine  you  in  jurisprudence." 

One  of  the  wits  of  Queen  Elizabeth's  time  wrote 
the  following  quaint  lines  on  the  Queen  and  Sir  Fran- 
cis Drake : 

"  0  Nature!  to  old  England  still 

Continue  these  mistakes; 
Still  give  us  for  kings  such  queens, 
And  for  our  Dux  such 


i'PiEAMBLES  AND  RESOLUTIONS. 


A  PREAMBLE  is  simply  an  intrc  luction  to  a  resolu- 
tion, or  to  a  sot  of  resolutions,  and  is  intended  to  give 
reasons  why  they  should  be  offered. 

The  opening  clause  of  the  Declaration  of  Indepen- 
dence of  the  United  States  partakes  of  the  nature  of  a 
preamble,  and  is  as  follows  : — 

"  When,  in  the  course  of  human  events,  it  becomes 
necessary  for  one  people  to  dissolve  the  political  bands 
which  have  connected  them  with  another,  and  to  as- 
sume among  the  powers  of  the  earth  the  separate  and 
equal  station  to  which  the  laws  of  nature  and  of  nature's 
God  entitle  them,  a  decent  respect  to  the  opinions  of 
mankind  requires  that  they  should  declare  the  causes 
which  impel  them  to  the  separation." 

The  above  simple  and  brief  statement  of  the  reason 
why  the  declaration  which  follows  it  is  made,  is  a  mod- 
el preambk  in  consequence  of  its  brevity  and  simplic- 
ity ;  and  the  declaration  itself  partakes  of  the  nature 

(294) 


PREAMBLES   AND   RESOLUTIONS.  295 

and  intent  of  a  series  of  resolutions,  justifying  the  act 
of  independence. 

A  preamble  should  be  as  brief  a  statement  as  is  pos- 
sible of  the  character  and  propriety  of  the  resolutions 
to  which  it  is  an  introduction. 


There  is  on  record  an  amusing  history  of  the  man- 
ner in  which  our  pious  New  England  fathers  justified 
their  seizure  of  all  the  lands  of  the  natives  of  the 
country,  which  they  accomplished  by  preamble  and 
resolutions  in  something  like  the  following  form  : 

"  Whereas,  l  The  earth  is  the  Lord's,  and  the  fulness 
thereof— 

"  1st,  It  is  Resolved,  That  this  land  belongs  to  the 
Lord. 

"  2d,  Resolved,  That  we  are  the  Lord's  people. 

"  3d,  Therefore,  Resolved,  That  this  land  belongs  to 
us." 

And  they  took  it. 


Preambles  and  resolutions  are  sometimes  introduced, 
with  great  effect,  on  convivial  occasions,  to  give  a 
sort  of  mock  dignity  and  importance  to  some  common 
event,  and  may  be  made  a  source  of  a  great  deal  of 


2%  PREAMBLES   AND   RESOLUTIOXS. 

amusement.  A  Xew  York  gentleman  who  was  about 
starting  for  the  eity  of  Washington  where  he  was  to 
be  married,  gave  a  supper  to  his  bachelor  friends,  at 
which,  after  the  party  was  considerably  warmed  with 
champagne,  the  following  preamble  and  resolutions 
were  introduced,  as  a  concluding  act  of  an  evening  of 
merriment : 

Whereas,  Marriage  has  been  held  in  the  highest  es- 
teem by  all  refined  and  civilized  nations  ;  and  has  the 
sanction  of  divine  command,  as  the  only  authorized 
means  of  multiplying  and  replenishing  the  earth  ; — and 

Whereas  t  Our  worthy  and  obedient  host,  moved  with 
a  sincere  and  pious  desire  to  obey  this  command  to  the 
utmost  of  his  distinguished  ability,  has  resolved  to  en- 
ter at  once  upon  the  arduous  and  responsible  duties  of 
matrimony  • — therefore, 

Resolved,  That  this  meeting  tender  to  him  congratu- 
lations, and  express  its  high  sense  of  the  fidelity  and 
ability  with  which  he  will  prosecute  his  laudable  un- 
dertaking. 

Resolved,  That  a  committee  of  nineteen  be  appointed 
to  accompany  him  on  his  journey  as  far  as  the  city  of 
Baltimore,  to  support,  comfort,  aid,  and  encourage  him,, 
and  thereby  keep  him  from  faltering  in  his  matriinoni 
al  intentions. 

Resolved,  That  we  generously  allow  our  worthy  host 
to  pay  all  the  expenses  of  said  committee. 

At  a  convivial  party  of  journeymen  tailors,  the  eve- 
ning was  concluded  with  the  following  preamble  and 
resolutions : 


PREAMBLES   AND    RESOLUTIONS.  297 

Whereas,  Every  profession  is  to  be  respected  accord- 
ing to  its  importance  to  mankind, — 

Resolved,  That  there  is  no  profession  or  trade  which 
deserves  more  the  respect  and  gratitude  of  society  than 
that  of  the  tailor. 

Resolved,  That  the  tailor  is  the  most  charitable  of 
men,  inasmuch  as  he  makes  it  his  business  to  hide  the 
imperfections  and  cover  up  the  faults  of  mankind. 

Resolved,  That  to  the  tailor  society  is  indebted  for 
its  greatest  propriety  and  decency,  as  without  him  all 
men  would  be  obliged  to  appear  naked  in  the  public 
streets. 

Resolved,  That  the  tailors'  trade  is  the  oldest  and 
most  respectable  on  earth,  it  having  originated  in  the 
Garden  of  Eden,  where,  after  the  devil  had  exposed 
our  first  parents'  nakedness,  a  tailor  kindly  stepped  in 
and  made  them  garments  of  fig-leaves. 

Resolved,  That  we,  tailors,  no  longer  submit  to  the 
disgraceful  appellation  of  "  ninth  part  of  a  man"  but 
boldly  show  the  world  that,  individually,  we  possess 
the  full  measure  of  manhood. 

Resolved,  That  any  tailor  who  uses  a  short  yardstick, 
and  refuses  good  and  honest  measure  to  his  kind  cus- 
tomers, disgraces  his  craft. 

Resolved,  That  these  resolutions  be  published  in  all 
the  family  newspapers  in  the  city  of  New  York. 


298  PREAMBLES   AND   RESOLUTIONS. 

The  preamble  and  resolutions  rraybe  made  to  con- 
vey the  most  terrible  rebuke  to  rascality  and  hypocri- 
sy ;  an  instance  of  which  occurred  some  time  ago,  in 
a  small  village  about  thirty  miles  distant  from  the  me- 
tropolis. A  man  who  had  been,  all  his  life,  a  gambler 
of  the  most  scandalous  description,  and  who  brought 
up  his  daughters  in  a  "  free-love"  club,  and  from  their 
childhood  familiarized  them  to  the  society  of  black- 
legs and  licentious  adventurers,  was  rebuked  by  the  in- 
dignant villagers  in  the  following  manner  : 

Whereas,  All  such  practices  as  gambling  and  the  man- 
ufacturing of  obscene  and  indecent  wares  are  opposed 
to  the  best  interests  of  society,  and  can  not  exist  with- 
out more  or  less  destroying  the  foundations  of  moral- 
ity and  religion  ; — and 

Whereas,  It  is  every  man's  duty  to  protect  society 
from  all  such  associations  as  havo  a  tendency  to  cor 
rupt  good  manners  and  good  morals  ; — 

Resolved,  That  the  man  who  offends  against  society 
by  the  practice  of  such  aggravated  and  indecent  vices 
forfeits  all  claim  to  the  respectful  notice  of  decent  and 
upright  people. 

Resolved,  That  no  man  can  familiarly  associate  with 
gamblers,  black-legs,  and  venders  of  obscene  articles, 
without  subjecting  himself  to  the  ruspicion  of  conniv- 
ing at  these  monstrous  and  disgusting  v^ces. 

Resolved,  That  young  women  who  arc  brought  up  in 
such  licentious  and  abominable  society  as  "  free-love" 
clubs,  and  who  associate  from  their  infancy  with  the 
most  impure  and  abandoned  of  men  and  women,  are 


PREAMBLES   AND   BESOLUTIONS.  299 

unfit  uini  dangerous  associates  for  the  sons  and  daugh- 
ters of  respectable  and  well-conducted  families. 

Resolved,  That  any  man  who  would  open  the  doors 
oi  respectable  families  to  such  loose-minded  and  cor- 
rupting associations,  is  a  foe  to  the  well-being  and 
virtuous  manners  of  refined  society,  and  deserves  to 
be  regarded  with  suspicion  and  dread  by  all  prudent 
and  right-minded  parents. 

Resolved,  That  it  is  neither  proscription  nor  persecu- 
tion to  refuse  the  ordinary  intercourse  of  respectable 
social  life  to  those  who  disregard  the  sacred  rules  of 
decency,  morality,  and  religion. 

We  scarcely  need  add  that  the  above  preamble  and 
resolutions  had  the  desired  effect  upon  the  obnoxious 
family,  and  completely  banished  it  from  every  avenuo 
of  prudent  and  respectable  social  intercourse. 

The  remedy  was  a  truly  severe  one,  and  one  that 
could  not  be  approved  by  the  charitably  disposed,  ex 
cept  under  circumstances  where  the  greatest  alarm 
was  felt  for  the  good  manners  and  pure  morals  of  the 
young  of  both  sexes. 


DUTIES  OF  CHAIRMAN  OF  A  MEETING, 


ELECTION,   OB  APPOINTMENT. 

1.  ON  this  officer,  of  course,  depend  mainly  the  orde? 
and  the  efficiency  of  a  meeting.     It  is  too  much  the 
custom  to  confer  the  office  as  a  sort  of  compliment,  as 
a  mark  of  respect  to  the  man.     And  as  rank  and  the 
possession,  or  reputed  possession,  of  wealth  are  held 
in  respect,  so  some  one  of  the  persons  present  more 
distinguished  than  the  rest  by  a  quality  of  this  kind 
is  usually  selected.     A  reputation  for  learning,  or  for 
talent,  comes  in  for  its  share  of  consideration  ;  and 
ripeness  of  years,  and  gentlemanly  deportment  and 
conduct  have  their  weight.      All  this  is  very  well. 
Men  do  look,  will  look,  and,  indeed,  ought  to  look, 
among  the  possessors  of  these  distinguishing  charac- 
teristics  for  their  leaders,  their  representatives,  and 
their  presidents.     And  if  they  find  in  one  of  these 
possessors  the  qualities  which  fit  a  man  for  the  office 
in  question,  they  will  act  wisely  in  selecting  him. 

2.  To  confine  ourselves,  however,  to  the  selection  of  a 
man  for  the  office  of  chairman  of  a  meeting  in  which  a 
debate  is  to  be  held, — 

(BOO) 


ELECTION,  OH  APPOINTMENT.         301 

3.  It  is  desirable,  nay,  it  is  necessary  to  the  good  con- 
duct of  the  meeting,  that  the  chairman  be  regarded  with 
confidence.     It  will  not  do  to  nominate  a  man  for  such 
an  office,  as  is  not  unfrequently  done,  out  of  mere  per- 
sonal compliment ;  done,  too,  frequently,  by  some  pert 
and  forward  hanger-on,  sometimes  to  repay  obligations 
already  received,  or  to  bespeak  expected  favors.     It 
will  not  do  thus  to  suffer  impertinence  to  usurp  the 
office,  to  place  its  idol  in  the  chair,  and  to  lower  the 
respectability,  to  consume  the  time,  and  to  impair  or 
destroy  the  efficiency  of  the  meeting. 

4.  The  chairman  ought  to  be  a  man  previously  held  in 
respect ;  but  at  all  events  he  must  be  treated  with  def- 
erence whilst  he  is  in  the  office  ;  and  his  authority,  his 
decisions,  should  be  upheld  and  enforced  by  the  meet- 
ing, or  there  can  be  no  order.     At  any  rate,  the  chair- 
man must  be  held  in  respect. 

5.  There  is  something,  nay,  there  is  much  in  the  per- 
sonal appearance  and  in  the  years  of  a  man  by  which 
the  respect  of  an  assemblage  is  to  be  raised  and  pre- 
served ;  his  known  station    and  habits  of  life    come 
next  into  consideration  ;  and  then  his  fitness  for  the 
office,  which  is  instantly  perceived   and  felt  by  the 
meeting. 

6.  This  fitness  for  the  office  is  certainly  the  main  thing. 
Imposing  and  gentlemanly  appearance,  habits  of  com- 
mand in  private  life,  the  possession  of  a  standing  in 
society,  of  learning,  and  even  of  talents,  sink,  all  sink, 


802  DUTIES   OF    CHAIRMAN    OF    A   MEETING. 

into  nothing,  when  the  man  is  placed  in  a  situation  for 
which  he  is  not,  and  for  which  he  and  every  person 
present  feel  that  he  is  not  fitted.  Whilst,  on  the 
contrary,  the  fitting  man,  although  devoid  of  all  exter- 
nal aids  of  person  and  of  fortune,  without  reputation 
for  talents  or  for  learning,  but  having  a  knowledge 
of  the  duties,  of  the  business  of  the  office ;  having  a 
mind  clear,  not  liable  to  be  disturbed  ;  a  man  thus 
self-possessed,  with  appearances  and  prepossessions 
against  him,  will  often  disperse  and  emerge  from  the 
difficulties,  and  make  the  assemblage  forget  the  man 
in  the  dignity  and  the  importance  of  the  office. 

7.  Such  en  tire  fitness  for  the  office  of  chairman  is  not, 
it  must  be  confessed,  often  to  be  found.  However,  in 
every  assemblage  of  our  countrymen  we  may  find  some 
of  these  qualities,  some  of  these  mental  qualifications. 
And  if  we  find  them  in  a  man  respectable  for  his  years 
and  his  personal  appearance,  let  them  be  preferred  ; 
if  with  these  we  find  wealth,  honorably  inherited  or 
acquired,  and  liberally  enjoyed,  still  better  ;  and  last- 
ly, if  in  addition  to  all  these  excellent  qualifications 
we  can  find  for  our  chairman  a  man  in  the  enjoyment 
of  a  high  station  in  society,  then  shall  we  have  every 
reasonable  security  for  the  pleasant,  the  orderly,  and 
the  efficient  conduct  of  a  meeting.  Whilst,  on  the 
contrary,  when  a  man  is  thrust  into  the  office  just  to 
subserve  the  views  of  an  officious  individual,  or  party, 
without  any  natural  or  acquired  personal  fitness  for  it, 
— his  incapacity  stands  in  need  of  so  many  advisers  ;  so 
many  volunteer  their  aid  •  he  gets  PO  many  participa- 


ELECTION,  OR  APPOINTMENT.         803 

tors  in  his  office ;  petty  and  self-appointed  chairmen 
spring  up  in  every  quarter  of  the  meeting,  which  soon, 
instead  of  becoming  an  orderly  assemblage,  degener- 
ates into  a  disorganized  mob  ;  and  would,  after  wrang- 
ling and  quarrelling,  disperse  as  such,  were  it  not  for 
the  determined  perseverance  of  some  few  energetic 
men  who  may  take  the  imbecile  chairman  into  their 
hands,  and,  by  poking  him  about,  through  one  step 
after  another,  get  through  the  business  of  the  meeting 
with  or  without  the  knowledge  or  the  concurrence  of 
the  greater  part  of  the  persons  present. 

8.  To  avoid  catastrophes  of  this  kind,  and  to  obtain  at 
least  some  of  the  satisfactory  results  and  attendant 
circumstances  of  an  orderly  and  well  conducted  meet- 
ing, let  every  man,  on  his  first  entrance  into  it,  and 
until  the  chairman  be  appointed,  cast  about  him, 
and  be  prepared  instantly  to  name  the  most  suitable 
person,  in  his  estimation,  for  the  office.  Thus  will 
each  man  be  prepared  to  do  his  duty  on  this  prelimi- 
nary and  important  point.  Being  thus  prepared,  each 
individual  may  wait  until  the  lapse  of  the  moment 
when  the  appointment  is  to  take  place.  Then,  of  course, 
some  person  ought  to  propose  a  chairman  ;  or,  if  there 
be  some  sufficient  reason  for  deferring  such  proposition 
for  a  short  time,  it  will  be  an  act  of  acceptable  kind- 
ness on  the  part  of  any  gentleman,  in  an  audible  voice 
1o  address  a  few  words  to  the  assemblage,  stating,  in 
his  opinion,  such  reason,  and  proposing,  in  distinct 
terms,  not  an  indefinite  time,  not  "  a  few  minutes"  nor 
"  ten  minutes,  or  a  quarter  of  an  Aow,"but  a  definite 


304  DUTIES   OP    CHAIRMAN    OF   A    MEETING. 

time  :  so  that  the  persons  present  may  know  exactly 
their  time  ;  may  know  the  moment  to  which  the  busi- 
ness of  the  meeting  is  adjourned,  and  not  be  left  at 
the  mercy  of  any  tricky  party,  who  might  mould  the 
meeting  to  almost  any  shape  or  purpose  by  taking  ad- 
vantage of  an  indefinite  adjourment ;  which  is,  in  fact, 
and  ought  always  to  be  regarded,  as  a  breaking  up  or 
dissolution  of  the  meeting. 

9.  The  moment  for  business  having  arrived,  the  moment 
for  the  appointment  of  a  chairman,  some  one  of  the 
meeting  names  a  gentleman  for  the  office.     Let  not 
this  disconcert  any  man.     It  is  the  moment  on  which 
the  order  and  respectability  of  the  meeting  depend 
more  than  on  any  other  ;  and  let  each  man,  who  is  a 
lover  of  order,  be  prepared  to  do  his  duty.     If  he  be 
the  man  on  whom  you  have  fixed,  second  the  nomina- 
tion with  all  decent  expedition  ;  but  if  not,  if  you  think 
you  have  set  your  eye  on  a  more  eligible  man,  just  al- 
low time,  and  not  an  instant  longer  than  is  requisite  ; 
just  allow  time  for  such  a  seconding,  and  then,  wheth- 
er the  first  nomination  be  seconded  or  not,  in  as  firm 
a  voice  as  you  are  master  of,  nominate  the  gentleman 
whom  you  have  chosen. 

10.  Let  it  not  be  imagined  that  such  a  nomination  of  a 
second,  a  third,  a  fourth,  or  a  fifth  gentleman  for  this 
office  is  any  mark  of  disrespect  towards  any  one.     I 
may  not  know  the  gentleman  or  gentlemen  already 
nominated  ;  or  knowing  may  know  nothing  of  his  or 
of  their  fitness  for  the  office  ;  whilst  I  do  know  that 


ELECTION,    OR   APPOINTMENT.  305 

tho  gentleman  on  whom  I  have  fixed  is  a  very  eligible 
person,  perhaps  a  very  able  chairman.  I  submit  his 
name,  th erefore,  to  the  meeting,  desirous  that  this  meet- 
ing, of  which  I  am  a  member,  should  have  the  benefit 
of  his  skill  and  impartiality.  The  nomination  of  a 
second,  of  a  third,  or  a  fourth  gentleman  for  the  office, 
whilst  it  is  the  best  service  that  any  man  at  this  time 
can  render  to  the  meeting,  seeing  that  it  offers  to  that 
meeting  a  choice,  on  a  point  of  so  much  importance  ; 
whilst  it  is  the  best  service  that  any  man  can  render 
to  the  meeting,  is,  as  before  stated,  no  mark  of  disre- 
spect towards  any  gentleman  previously  named.  There 
can  be  no  honor  in  being  appointed  to  an  office  where 
there  is  no  choice.  So  let  me  be  elected  from  among 
others,  says  every  man  who  is  at  all  qualified  for  the 
office,  and  worthy  of  presiding  among  his  neighbors. 

11.  To  return  to  the  important  process  of  appointing 
a  chairman.  A  gentleman  has  been  named  ;  I  have 
allowed  time  —  a  distinct  moment  must  be  sufficient 
— for  the  nomination  to  be  seconded  ;  and  then, 
having  previously  fixed  on  a  gentleman  whom  I  know 
to  be  qualified  for  the  office,  or  whom  I  prefer,  in  a 
distinct  and  audible  voice  I  name  him.  A  moment's 
pause,  sudi  as  was  before  allowed,  in  courtesy,  in  de- 
cency, in  justice,  ought  to  be  allowed  for  the  seconding 
of  my  nomination  ;  and  then  another  gentleman  may 
with  perfect  propriety  be  nominated  in  like  manner ; 
and  another,  and  another.  The  meeting  will  now 
have  a  choice.  And  if  these  pauses  be  allowed,  and 
the  nominations  be  made  distinctly,  it  will  soon  be 


308  DUTIES   OF    CHAIRMAN   OF    A   MEETING. 

seen,  soon  be  heard,  on  which  gentleman  the  choice  of 
the  meeting  rests.  And  such  a  course  of  proceeding, 
which,  even  if  four  or  five  gentlemen  be  thus  nomi- 
nated, will  not  require  more  than  a  single  minute,  will 
be  a  happy  passage  of  an  orderly  course  of  proceeding 
throughout. 

12.  As  it  is  a  duty  incumbent  on  the  persons  assembled 
to  listen  to  the  nominations,  and  to  allow  the  mo- 
ment's silence  requisite  for  the  seconding,  so  does 
this  state  of  things  impose  a  duty  on  the  persons  who 
may  be  nominated  to  the  office  of  chairman.  This 
duty,  without  the  observance  of  which  there  will  be 
disorder  ;  this  duty  is  silence,  and  an  acquiescence  in 
the  decision  of  the  meeting.  Disclaimers,  protests  of 
unfitness,  of  indisposition,  of  the  superior  claims  of 
others ;  in  short,  speeches  of  any  sort,  however  short, 
ought  to  be  carefully  avoided  until  there  be  a  chair- 
man seated  and  the  meeting  thereby  organized.  It 
does  not  follow  that  because  a  gentleman  is  nominated 
to  the  office  of  chairman  that  he  will  be  appointed.  So 
that  each  gentleman  so  named  may  with  perfect  pro- 
priety, and  indeed  ought  to  remain  silent,  leaving  it  to 
the  meeting,  who  best  know  whom  to  prefer,  to  make 
its  choice.  If,  indeed,  it  do  happen  that,  owing  to  the 
state  of  health  or  to  any  other  circumstance,  the 
gentleman  selected  have  some  insuperable  objection 
to  undertaking  the  duties  of  the  office,  as  it  is  desira- 
ble above  all  things  that  the  meeting  be  organized 
with  as  little  delay  as  possible,  still  let  such  gentle- 
man take  the  chair,  and  from  that  position,  as  briefly 


ELECTION,  OR  APPOINTMENT.         307 

AS  he  please,  state  or  allude  to  the  objection,  begging 
the  meeting  to  choose  another  chairman,  during  which 
he  will  preside  and  render  his  best  assistance.  There 
being  now  a  chairman,  the  meeting,  being  now  organ- 
ized, may  and  ought  to  have  the  question,  on  each 
nomination,  put  to  it,  and  its  vote  taken  on  each  nom- 
ination ;  just  as  its  vote  is  to  be  taken  on  any  other 
question.  But,  before  proceeding  to  take  the  votes, 
the  chairman  should  allow  time  for  all  the  nominations 
likely  to  be  made. 

13.  It  is  an  awkward  and  unpleasant  thing  for  a  gen- 
tleman called  upon  to  fill  the  office  of  chairman  of  a 
meeting,  on  the  occasion  of  his  first  taking  the  chair 
to  have  to  make  his  way  towards  it  alone.     No  gentle- 
man  ought  to  be  left  in  this  situation,  whether  the 
meeting  be  large  or  small.     On  the  election  of  the 
Speaker  of  the  House  of  Representatives,  he  us,  with 
great  propriety,  accompanied  and  handed  to  his  chair. 
And    something   of  this   ought   to   be  observed  and 
practised,  of  ushering  to  his  seat  for  the  first  time  the 
chairman  of  any  company. 

14.  Thus  far  I  have  treated  of  cases  in  which  the  chair- 
man is  to  be  chosen  by  the  meeting  on  its  assembling. 
A.nd  it  is  in  such  cases  only  that  precepts  or  advice 
can  be  required.     There  are   other   cases,  in  which 
meetings  are  convened,  and  the  intended  chairman  is 
named  in  the  requisition,  or  document,  by  which  the 
meeting  is  convened.     Such  meetings  are,  of  course, 
the  result  of  some  previous  meeting,  great  or  small,  at 


308  DUTIES   OF   CHAIRMAN   OF   A   MEETING. 

which  this  appointment  of  chairman,  and  other  arrange- 
ments have  been  made.  All  this  is  very  proper,  de- 
sirable, and  even  necessary,  in  the  case  of  a  large 
meeting.  To  such  previous  appointment  of  a  chair- 
man there  could  be  no  reasonable  objection,  even 
if  it  did  not  come  recommended  to  us  by  its  ten- 
dency to  forward  the  business  of  the  meeting  ;  there 
could  be  no  reasonable  objection  to  it,  in  point  of 
order,  at  least,  seeing  that  it  is  previously  and 
openly  announced  ;  and  the  man  who  entertains  insur- 
mountable objections  to  the  chairman,  may  stay  away. 

15.  It  must  be  proper  and  desirable,  on  occasions  of 
large  meetings,  to  have  the  chairman  previously  ap- 
pointed. Five  hundred  persons  are  probably  as  large 
an  assemblage  as  can  be  expected,  on  the  instant,  to 
elect  a  chairman  in  a  satisfactory  manner  ;  and  it  may, 
therefore,  on  all  occasions  on  which  a  meeting  is  rea- 
sonably expected  to  exceed  this  number,  be  desirable 
for  some  smaller  number,  including  among  them,  of 
course,  unless  it  be  impracticable,  the  originators  of 
the  proceedings  ;  it  may,  in  all  such  cases,  be  desirable 
and  proper  for  some  such  body  of  persons  to  select 
and  appoint  a  chairman :  the  mode  of  doing  which 
ought,  however,  to  be  attended  with  at  least  all  the 
observances  and  forms  that  are  inculcated  in  para- 
graphs 9,  10,  and  11  ;  and  ought,  likewise,  to  be  influ- 
enced by  the  considerations  suggested  in  the  few  pre- 
vious paragraphs,  beginning  with  that  numbered  4. 

10.  A  smaller  body  may  thus,  with  perfect  propriety 


ELECTION,  OR  APPOINTMENT.         309 

and,  indeed,  very  laudably,  take  upon  itself  to  appoint 
a  chairman  to  a  larger  body  of  persons.  And  this  it 
may  do,  either  in  time  to  have  it  duly  announced,  pre- 
viously to  the  assembling  of  the  larger  body,  or  just 
at  the  moment  appointed  for  the  commencement  of 
business  ;  such  smaller  body  being  assembled  and 
known  to  be  assembled,  in  some  contiguous  and  duly 
accessible  place  ;  and  known,  indeed,  by  the  great 
body  of  the  meeting,  to  be  so  assembled  for  the  pur- 
pose of  making  this  and  other  arrangements  for  the 
orderly  and  efficient  conduct  of  the  meeting. 

17.  One  word  here  as  to  the  PRINCIPLE  on  which  this 
and  the  other  rules  are  laid  down ;  the  principle  on 
which  all  proper  rules  and  observances  must  be  found- 
ed. This  principle  is,  simply,  JUSTICE  ;  it  is,  in  another 
word,  EQUITY.  That  is  to  say,  equality  of  right.  A 
number  of  persons  are  called  together  to  discuss,  to 
debate,  to  resolve,  to  determine.  If  there  be  some 
previous  arrangement  by  which  one  man,  in  virtue  of 
his  office,  or  by  due  election,  shall  preside  ;  and  if,  as 
in  cases  of  shareholders,  some  of  the  parties  assembling 
are,  by  due  and  previous  agreement,  to  have  two  or 
more  votes,  whilst  others  are  to  have  only  one  ;  if  there 
be  cases  of  this  kind,  there  can  be  no  inequity  in  such 
appointed  officer  or  chairman  taking  his  place  ;  nor 
any  in  the  larger  holders  having  a  plurality  of  votes  ; 
because,  as  predicted,  all  has  been  duly  and  previous- 
ly arranged  and  appointed.  But,  where  no  such 
arrangement  or  appointment  hae  been  made,  or 
agreed  to  ;  where  a  meeting  is  called  without  anjr 


310  DUTIES   OF    CHAIRMAN   OF   A   MEETING. 

previous  and  explicit  distinction  of  persons  and  of 
powers,  all  are  to  be  understood  as  equal  ;  that  is, 
equal  in  point  of  rights.  In  this  state  of  things  every 
man  who  has  a  right  to  be  present,  and,  of  course, 
every  man  who  comes  within  the  description  of  the 
requisition,  has  such  right ;  every  such  man  has  a  right, 
and  an  equal  right  with  any  other  man,  to  assist  in 
the  nomination  of  a  chairman,  or  to  be  himself  nomi- 
nated and  elected  ;  and,  of  course,  an  equal  right  to 
make,  and  to  second,  and  to  vote  for  or  against,  motions 
and  amendments.  This  is  the  principle,  this  is  the  rule. 
And  on  the  due  observance  of  this  principle,  through- 
out the  whole  of  its  proceedings,  must  the  peace,  and 
the  order,  and  the  final  success  of  every  meeting  pro- 
ceed. 

18.  Nor  is  there  the  slightest  reason  for  any  rational 
or  just  man  to  wish  that  it  were  otherwise.  Are  we  to 
be  told  that  there  is  a  difference  in  the  education,  in 
the  understanding,  in  the  rank  and  station,  and  in  the 
moral  and  intellectual  qualities  of  men  ;  and  that,  on 
this  account,  they  ought  not  to  be  equally  treated  ?  Is 
this  the  plea  for  distinctions,  for  preferences,  and  for 
exclusions,  at  meetings  such  as  these  of  which  we  are 
treating  ?  Show  me  your  gauge  for  measuring,  for 
ascertaining  the  exact  worth,  the  intellectual  rank,  of 
men  ;  and  for  exhibiting  with  precision  the  estimation 
in  which  a  man  is  held,  and  in  which  he  ought  to  be 
held,  by  his  neighbors  and  his  fellow-countrymen  ;  show 
me  this  gauge,  and  then  will  I  consider  of  the  plea  for 
distinctions  and  exclusions. 


ELECTION,  OR  APPOINTMENT.         311 

19.  But,  indeed,  we  have  this  gauge.     And  we  see  it 
applied  as  completely  as  human  infirmities  and  prepos- 
sessions will  permit  us  to  apply  it,  in  the  case  of  a 
public  meeting.     It  is  indubitable  that  when  any  man 
offers  himself,  for  any  purpose,  to  the  attention  of  an 
assemblage  of  his  neighbors,  that  assemblage  applies 
the  gauge.     It  takes  into  consideration  all  his  quali- 
ties and  pretensions,  and,  bating  that  leaning  towards 
wealth  and  power  and  established  reputation,  to  which 
we  are  all  of  us  prone,  it  generally  forms  a  tolerably 
accurate  estimate  of  a  man.     At  all  events,  this  is  the 
best  gauge  we  have.     The  decision  is  apt  to  be  greatly 
in  favor  of  the  influential  and  the  educated  ;  and  he 
who  wants  more  than  this  for  them,  must  be  an  irra- 
tional devotee. 

20.  So  much  for  the  principle  on  which  we  ought,  and, 
indeed,  on  which,  if  we  would  preserve  the  peace  and 
order  and  secure  any  good  effects  from  a  meeting,  so 
much  for  the  principle  on  which,  throughout  the  whole 
of  the  affair,  we  must  proceed  ;  that  is  to  say,  a  princi- 
ple of  equity  towards  every  man  duly  entitled  to  bo 
present. 

21.  To  resume  :  We  left  our  subject  with  paragraph 
16,  in  which  the  appointment  of  a  chairman  to  a  large 
meeting,  by  a  smaller  preparatory  meeting,  had  been 
considered  and  concluded.    The  chairman,  then,  is  se- 
lected and  appointed.     The  next  step  to  be  taken  is,  to 
introduce  him  to  the  larger  meeting,  and  to  install  him 
in  his  office ;  which  may  be  done  with  great  Dropri 


312  DUTIES   OF    CHAIRMAN   OF   A   MEETING. 

ety  and  effect  by  a  brief  address  from  some  gentleman 
who  is  acquainted  with  the  merits  and  the  fitness  of  the 
chairman  elect.  And  this,  may  we  not  venture  to  pro- 
nounce, is  the  only  occasion  on  which  a  speech  of 
any  description  can  with  propriety  be  addressed  to  a 
meeting  previous  to  the  installation  of  its  chairman 
and  to  its  consequent  organization. 


THE   EEQUISITE   POWERS   AND   DUTIES   OF   HIS   OFFICE. 

22.  These  duties,  when  a  discussion  is  to  bo  carried 
on,  when  motions  are  to  be  made,  and  amendments 
moved,  and  eager  speakers  to  be  restrained,  and  some- 
times turbulent  auditors  to  be  ruled  ;  these  duties  are 
not  within  the  scope  of  every  man.    And  yet,  when  we 
call  to  mind  the  considerations  by  which  assemblages 
of  men  often  seem  to  be  guided  in  the  selection  of  a 
chairman,  we  might  very  fairly  conclude  that  this  of- 
fice, one  of  the  most  difficult  that  a  man  can  be  called 
on  to  sustain,  is,  in  their  estimation,  the  very  easiest 
thing  in  life.     However,  it  is  not  our  business  to  ex- 
patiate on  the  difficulties,  but  to  remove  or  to  surmount 
them. 

23.  The  chairman  ought,  in  reality,  to  have  a  chair, 
and  this  chair  ought,  if  the  assemblage  be  of  any  con 
siderable  number,  to  be  raised,  and  by  all  means  so 
placed  as  to  detach,  in  some  slight  degree,  the  gentle- 


REQUISITE   POWERS   AND   DUTIES.  313 

man,  who  is  on  every  occasion  to  be  observed  ;  who 
is  to  be  first  addressed  ;  who  is  to  be  appealed  to  first 
and  last  by  every  speaker ;  whose  rising  is,  on  the 
instant,  whatever  may  be  going  forward,  to  be  the 
signal  for  the  most  silent  attention ;  who  is,  in  fact, 
whatever  he  be  in  his  individual  and  private  character, 
now  the  selected  depository  of  all  the  authority,  and. 
indeed,  of  all  the  dignity  of  the  meeting.  This  gentle- 
man, who  ought  never  to  be  out  of  sight,  ought  by  no 
means  to  be  kept  standing  whilst  others  are  speaking. 
And  this  arrangement,  although  due  to  him,  is  not  to 
be  regarded  as  designed  solely  for  his  ease,  and  in 
compliment  to  the  man,  but  as  one  of  the  requisite 
means  for  preserving  the  order  of  the  assemblage. 

24.  How,  indeed,  can  any  man  preserve  this  order, 
among  contending  parties  and  rival  speakers,  unless 
he  have  this,  and  every  other  arrangement  that  can 
be  devised,  to  make  the  duties  of  the  o^Qce  less  diffi- 
cult? 

25.  There  is,  we  believe,  a  becoming  disposition 
among  us  to  pay  deference  to  the  chairman,  but  then 
he  must  be  A  CHAIRMAN.     He  must  not  be  one  among 
a  knot  of  men,  surrounded  by  them,  talking  with  them 
scarcely  visible  to   the  greater  number   of  persons 
present.    How  is  any  man  to  preside,  if  he  be  one  of 
a  cluster  of  men,  some  of  them,  possibly,  rivals  and 
opponents,  and  for  any  thing  that  even  he  or  the  meet- 
ing knows,  caballing  against  him  ?    The  thing  is  not 
to  be  expected  ;  is  impossible. 

14 


314  DUTIES    OF    CHAIRMAN    OF    A   MEETING. 

26.  Besides,  for  another  important  reason,  the  chair- 
man is  not  to  be  spoken  with  save  by  his  secretary  or 
clerk,  and  ought  to  hold  none  but  indispensable  com- 
munications even  with  him,  during  debate.     Setting 
aside  the  unseemliness  of  communicating,  in  private 
conversation,  with  individuals  of  the  meeting,  there 
must  be  always  sufficient  to  occupy  the  whole  mind 
of  the  chairman  in  the  business  of  the  meeting,  the 
object  of  which  he  must  keep  constantly  and  clearly 
in  view  so  as  to  detect,  and  be  ready  +o  check  on  the 
instant,  any,  the  slightest  aberration  from  it.     He  is 
to  know,  is  to  see,  and  to  hear  every  thing  that  is 
going  on  ;  he  is  to  bear  in  mind  all  that  has  passed, 
and  to  have  a  clear  view  of  what  remains  to  be  done, 
so  as  to  be  able  to  suggest  with  promptitude  the  next 
step  to  be  taken,  and  thereby  to  keep  the  attention  of 
the  meeting  to  its  purpose.     To  insure  attention  and 
order,  he  must  himself  set  the  example,  and  must  listen 
with  marked  attention  to  every  speaker. 

27.  With  this  arrangement  the  office  of  chairman 
becomes  much  less  difficult  than  it  would  otherwise  be. 
The  gentleman  appointed  ought,  as  was  before  inti- 
mated, to  be  accompanied   or  handed  to  his  chair  by 
some  one  or  two  others,  so  that  every  one  sees  and 
feels  that  his  taking  upon  himself  the  office  is  not  a 
piece  of  assumption  on  his  part. 

28.  No  gentleman  will  require  to  be  reminded  that 
on  taking   the   office  of  chairman,  in   a  meeting  in 
which  different  and  opposing  measures  may  be  pro- 


EEQUISITE   POWERS   AND    DUTIES.  315 

pounded,  lie  resigns  all  thoughts  of  promoting  any 
particular  views  or  course  of  proceeding  to  which 
he  himself  may  be  inclined.  If  a  gentleman  can 
not  thus  resign  his  views — and  there  are  cases  in 
which  a  man  ought  not — his  duty  will  be  to  take 
the  chair  to  which  he  is  elected,  and  from  that  situa- 
tion to  state  to  the  meeting  the  obligation  he  is 
under  to  advocate  and  to  maintain  a  particular  course 
of  proceeding,  and  to  beg  that  they  will  select  another 
chairman,  during  which  selection  he  will  gladly  assist 
by  presiding. 

29.  On  entering  upon  the  duties  of  his  office,  the 
chairman  will  have  to  address  himself  to  the  meeting, 
very  briefly  but  distinctly  adverting  to  the  purpose  for 
which  it  is  assembled,  and  if  there  be  a  requisition  or 
other  document  under  which  the  meeting  is  convened, 
he  will  do  well  to  read  it ;  or,  if  it  be  of  any  length,  to 
cause  it  to  be  read  in  a  distinct  and  audible  voice. 
After  this,  if  it  be  not  indicated  in  the  requisition,  the 
chairman  may  with  great  advantage  point  to  the 
course  of  proceeding  intended  to  be  pursued  by  the 
gentlemen  who  have  projected  and  convened  ihe  meet- 
ing ;  the  course  by  which  they  mean  to  pursue  their 
object,  if  he  be  informed  of  that  course  ;  and  thus  will 
the  meeting  have  the  whole  matter  before  them.  What- 
ever may  be  his  opinions  or  his  wishes  with  regard  to 
the  proposed  measures,  it  will  be  his  duty  to  abstain 
from  the  slightest  expression  of  them,  leaving  the  ad- 
vocating of  the  measures,  and  the  objecting  to  them. 
to  the  several  speakers.  If  there  be  seats  for  the 


316  DUTIES   OP    CHAIRMAN    OF    A   MEETING. 

company,  and  they  are  not  seated,  it  is  highly  expedient 
that  the  chairman  require  them  to  be  so.  And  if  he 
think  that  some  of  them  require  instruction  on  this 
head,  it  will  be  equally  expedient  in  him  to  request 
that  gentlemen  will  keep  their  seats  during  the  business 
of  the  meeting,  save  when  they  rise  to  speak  ;  and  that 
each  gentleman,  on  the  conclusion  of  whatever  he  may 
have  to  say,  instantly  resume  his  seat,  affording  there- 
by a  fair  opportunity  for  any  other  gentleman  to  rise. 
Observations  of  this  kind,  according  to  the  taste  and 
judgment  of  the  chairman,  concluding  with  a  recom- 
mendation to  the  meeting  to  give  a  patient  hearing  to 
the  several  speakers,  will  form  a  very  suitable  prelude 
to  the  business  of  the  meeting.  On  resuming  his  seat, 
the  chairman,  both  now  and  on  every  other  occasion, 
intimates  his  desire  that  the  business  of  the  meeting 
should  proceed. 

30.  A  motion  will  now,  of  course,  be  submitted  to  the 
meeting  ;  and  this  motion,  having  been  read,  generally 
by  the  mover,  will  doubtless  be  seconded.  After  the 
moving  and  the  seconding,  the  words  of  the  motion  in 
writing  being  handed  to  the  chairman  or  to  his  secre- 
tary, ought  again,  in  an  audible  voice,  to  be  read  to 
the  meeting,  either  by  the  chairman  or  by  some  person 
of  his  appointment :  and  immediately  after  this,  for 
any  objection  to  be  made  on  such  motion,  or  any 
amendment  moved  thereon.  If,  after  a  reasonable  and 
sufficient  pause,  no  objector  present  himself,  the  chair- 
man will  proceed  to  put  the  motion  to  the  meeting, 
taking  the  votes  for  it.  and  then  against  it,  in  the 


REQUISITE   POWERS   AND    DUTIES.  317 

manner  usual  at  meetings  of  the  same  description. 
This  is  by  a  show  of  hands,  or  by  the  ayes  and 
noes. 

31.  If,  however,  an  objection  to  the  ORIGINAL  MO- 
TION, as  the  first  motion  is  called,  be  raised,  that  objec- 
tion must  take  one  of  the  following  shapes  :  it  must  be 
an  AMENDMENT,  or  it  must  go  to  NEGATIVE  the  motion, 
or  it  must  go  to  POSTPONE  the  consideration  of  the 
motion,  or  it  may  be  for  the  PREVIOUS  QUESTION,  or, 
lastly,  it  may  be  a  motion  to  ADJOURN  the  meeting. 
And  it  is  a  duty  incumbent  on  the  chairman  to  see 
that  the  objector  shape  his  course  distinctly  to  one  of 
these  ends.  If  the  objector  do  not,  pretty  early  in  his 
speech,  disclose  to  the  assembly  to  which  of  these  ends 
he  is  shaping  his  course,  the  chairman  may,  with  great 
propriety,  rise  from  his  seat  and  ask  him  the  question 
as  to  what  end  he  is  aiming.  The  understanding  and 
the  patience  of  a  number  of  men  are  not  to  be  trifled 
with,  and  their  purposes  frustrated  by  indefinite  and 
aimless  harangues.  The  chairman,  I  gay,  under  such 
circumstances,  may  inquire  as  to  the- course  intended 
to  be  pursued.  But  he  will,  doubtless,  use  his  judg- 
ment as  to  this  point.  If  the  speaker  be  listened  to 
with  eager  attention  by  a  part  of  the  meeting,  and 
with  patient  attention  by  a  decided  majority,  then  will 
there  be  no  propriety  in  interrupting  him  ;  for  such 
attention  is  the  best  test  of  his  being  right.  It  is,  in 
short,  to  save  the  meeting  from  a  waste  of  its  time  and 
a  trespass  on  its  temper  that  the  chairman,  in  a  case 
of  this  kind,  is  to  interfere.  And  he  will  do  it,  of 


318  DUTIES   OF    CHAIRMAN   OF  A   MEETING. 

course,  with  all  due  courtesy ;  with  firmness  and  au- 
thority when  required. 

32.  Of  these  four  modes  of  raising  an  objection  to 
an  original  motion,  it  is  of  the  utmost  importance  that 
we  obtain  a  clear  understanding.     So  let  us  treat  of 
them  severally,  in  due  order. 

33.  But,  first ;  of  an  ORIGINAL  MOTION.     There  is  a 
duty  here  incumbent  on  the  chairman  with  regard  to 
this  motion  ;  a  duty  due  to  his  own  character  and  to 
the  character  of  the  meeting.     Although  such  a  case 
seldom  occurs,  yet,  as  it  might  occur,  we  ought  to  be 
prepared  for  it.     A  motion,  even  an  original  motion, 
may  be  framed  on  an  oversight,  or  in  error,  with  re- 
gard to  the  express  purpose  of  the  meeting.      In  this, 
.as  in  other  cases,  it  is  the  duty  of  the  chairman  to  be 
vigilant  j  and  if  such  a  case  occur  he  ought  to  point  it 
out. 

34.  However,  this,  after  all,  may  be  only  matter  of 
individual  opinion,  as  every  proposition  is  to  be  re- 
garded until  it  have  been  determined  on  by  a  vote  of 
the  meeting.      The  chairman  may  misapprehend  the 
motion ;  or  he  may  even  be  under  some  error  with' 
regard  to  the  express  purpose  of  the  meeting.     Either 
of  these  is  possible — but  we  ought  to  be  very  careful 
in  admitting  and  acting  on  such  a  presumption  ;  how- 
ever, it  is  possible  that  the  chairman,  in  objecting  to  a 
motion  on  this  ground,  may  be  in  error  ;   in  which 
case,   with  becoming  deference  to  his  office,  he  may  be 


REQUISITE   POWERS   AND    DUTIES.  319 

reasoned  with.  If  his  objection  be  not  removed,  then 
it  will  be  his  duty  to  set  such  erroneous  motion  a>side  ; 
or,  if  susceptible  of  correction,  to  have  it  corrected. 
Tf,  however — as  it  is  of  course  possible — the  chairman 
be,  in  such  a  case,  manifestly,  and  in  the  opinion  of  a 
majority  or  near  a  majority,  in  error,  and  his  error  be 
not  corrected,  then  ought  lie,  as  due  to  himself  and  to 
the  meeting,  to  entreat  that  meeting  to  select  another 
chairman,  and  thus  to  permit  him  to  resign  an  office 
in  which  no  man  ought  to  be  called  on  to  do  any  thing 
or  to  sufler  any  thing  to  be  done  which  he  does 
not  deem  perfectly  consonant  to  order.  What  has 
been  just  stated  with  regard  to  the  course  to  be 
pursued  by  a  chairman  in  the  case  of  an  original 
motion,  is  equally  applicable  to  an  amendment  on  a 
motion. 

35.  Second  ;  of  AN  AMENDMENT  on  a  motion.  This, 
as  the  term  imports,  is  designed  by  the  mover  as  an 
improvement  on  a  previous  motion.  There  are  cases 
in  which  we  may  very  properly  entertain  a  wish 
that  nothing  should  be  done  ;  cases  in  which  we  may 
not  only  be  opposed  to  a  motion  just  made,  but  alto- 
gether opposed  to  any  thing  of  the  nature  of  such  a 
motion  ;  opposed  to  any  step  whatever  being  taken  in 
any  such  direction  ;  and,  indeed,  opposed  to  any  move- 
ment whatever.  In  a  case  of  this  kind  we  do  not 
propose  an  amendment ;  unless,  indeed,  we  might 
choose,  as  a  means  of  awakening  the  attention  of  the 
meeting  to  our  own  view  of  the  case,  to  propose  an 
ironical  amendment ;  except  in  such  a  case  as  this,  if 


320  DUTIES   OF    CHAIRMAN    OF   A    MEETING. 

we  be  opposed  to  any  thing  being  done,  in  the  direction 
proposed,  we  do  not  move  an  amendment,  bat  object 
to,  argue  directly  against,  the  motion,  and  seek  to  per- 
suade the  meeting  to  reject  it  by  voting  it  out.  We 
do  not  move  "  as  an  amendment "  that  the  step  pro- 
posed in  the  foregoing  motion  be  not  taken  ;  nor  that 
the  motion  be  rejected.  We  do  not,  in  such  a  case, 
make  a  motion  of  any  description  ;  but,  as  before  stat- 
ed, we  argue  against  the  motion.  There  can,  in  short, 
be  no  motion  properly  framed  to  put  a  direct  negative 
on  any  thing.  Motions,  propositions  of  any  sort,  must 
never  be  in  the  negative,  but  always  in  the  affirmative 
form.  They  must  always  affirm  that  something  is, 
or  SHALL  BE  ;  never  the  contrary.  And  it  is  part  of 
the  duty  of  the  chairman  to  see  that  all  motions  be 
put  in  the  proper  form. 

36.  An  amendment,  then,  like  an  original  motion,  must 
be  in  the  affirmative  form  ;  and,  professing  as  it  doe? 
to  be  an  improvement  on  such  motion,  it  ought,  osten- 
sibly at  least,  to  be  shaped  towards  the  same  end  ;  un- 
less, indeed,  that  in  the  opinion  of  the  mover  of  the 
amendment  the  original  motion  be  not  conformable  to 
the  purpose  of  the  meeting,  in  which  case  he  may,  on 
that  ground,  offer  his  amendment  for  the  avowed  pur- 
pose of  superseding  that  motion  altogether. 

87.  Third.  Sufficient  has  been  said  in  the  last  par- 
agraph but  one  on  the  mode  of  proceeding  in  order 
to  put  a  negative  on  a  motion.  Of  the  methods  of 
resisting  the  adoption  of  a  motion,  as  enumerated  in 


REQUISITE   POWERS    AND    DUTIES.  821 

paragraph  31,  the  third  is  by  a  motion  postponii/g  its 
consideration,  the  meaning  of  which  is  too  obvious  to 
require  a  word  of  explanation. 

38.  Fourth  ;   of  THE  PREVIOUS   QUESTION.      A  mo- 
tion to  this  effect  is  resorted  to  in  order  to  set  aside  a 
motion  without  either  amendment,  postponement,  ne- 
gation, or  further  discussion  thereon.   There  are  prop- 
ositions which  we  may  deem  useless  or  unwise,  but 
which  we  can  not  absolutely  pronounce  to  be  unsuitable 
and  irrelevant  to  the  purpose  of  the   meeting,  and 
which,  therefore,  the  chairman  can  not  take  upon  him- 
self to  prohibit  and  put  down.      The  motion  for  the 
previous  question  is  a  contrivance  to  get  rid  of  a  prop- 
osition  of   this   sort,  without   either   calling   on  the 
chairman  to  do  so  ungracious  a  thing  as  to  prohibit 
its  discussion,  or  on  the  meeting  to  vote  upon  it.    It  is, 
in  short,  a  contrivance  to  elude  a  further  discussion  of 
a  proposition.     Its  nature  is  this  :   A  motion,  being 
made  and  seconded,  is  to  be  put  to  vote  if  no  person 
rise  to  oppose  it.     Well,  no  person  may  like  to  place 
himself  in  the  situation  of  an  opponent  to  such  a  prop- 
osition :   for   it  may   affirm   a  series    of    undeniable 
truths,  but  lead  to  no  practical  result,  and  it  is  for  re- 
sults that  men  meet  in  debate  ;  or  it  may  be  irrelevant 
to  the  purpose  or  purposes  of  the  meeting,  and  yet 
have  a  semblance  of  propriety  so  as  to  make  its  im- 
propriety questionable ;   or,  lastly,  it  may  be  incom- 
prehensible, nonsensical,  or  absurd. 

39.  Now  a  man  of  sense  and  spirit  does  not  liko 

14* 


822  DUTIES   OF    CHAIRMAN    OF   A  MEETING. 

to  place  himself  in  opposition  to  a  proposition  such  as 
any  of  these  which  we  have  sv.pposed.  And  yet  he, 
and  a  majority  of  the  meeting,  may  wish  to  get  rid  of 
it.  The  step  then  to  be  taken  is  to  move  the  previous 
question  ;  which  question,  although  never  directly  put 
save  in  a  case  of  this  kind,  is  always  understood  to 
have  been  put,  and  carried  in  the  affirmative,  previous 
to  a  meeting  entering  on  the  discussion  of  any  motion. 
And  the  moving  of  "  the  previous  question  "  is  the 
moving  "  That  this  meeting  do  now  proceed  with  the 
discussion  of  the  motion  before  it."  The  mover  of 
this  wishes,  of  course,  that  the  meeting  shall  decide 
that  it  will  not  proceed  with  the  discussion,  and  there- 
by throw  out  the  proposition.  But,  as  laid  down  in 
paragraph  35,  all  motions  must  be  made  in  the  affirm- 
ative form,  and  a  negative  vote  may  thus  be  obtained 
under  that  form. 

40.  Thus  may  a  meeting  at  any  time,  if  it  please,  in 
a  regular  and  orderly  manner,  and  without  throwing 
the  ungracious  office  on  its  chairman,  set  aside  a  mo- 
tion which  it  may  deem  useless,  or  otherwise  unworthy 
of  discussion.    "  The  previous  question,"  however,  must 
wait  its  turn  ere  it  be  moved.     The  motion  against 
which  it  may  be  employed,  besides  being  moved,  must 
be  seconded,  and  put  to  the  meeting  by  being  read  by 
the  chairman  or  by  some  person  under  his  direction. 
Because,  until  this  be  done,  "  the  previous  question  "  is 
prdmaturc,  is  unnecessary,  is  out  of  order. 

41.  Fifth,  and  last.     A  motion  to  ADJOURN.     This 


REQUISITE  POWERS   AND   DUTIES.  323 

may  be  made  at  any  time,  and  may  be  again  and 
again  repeated.  Nor  is  it  an  easy  matter  to  devise  a 
rule  by  which  the  making  of  it  can  be  restrained, 
without  subjecting  a  meeting  to  very  great  incon- 
veniences. The  usual  restraint,  the  obligation  not  to 
make  a  motion  for  an  adjournment  lightly  and  incon- 
siderately,, or  for  factious  purposes,  consists  in  the 
great  responsibility,  in  the  odium  to  which  the  mover 
would  subject  himself,  unless  countenanced  by  the  gen- 
eral sense  of  the  meeting.  But  this  odium,  this  re- 
sponsibility, is  generally  sufficient,  and  is  the  chief  or 
only  security  for  orderly  conduct  in  any  part  of  a 
public  meeting. 

42.  Thus,  then,  have  we  before  us  the  several  mo- 
tions  and  forms  of  motions  which  any  member  and 
every  member,  entitled  to  be  present  at  a  meeting,  has 
a  right  to  make  ;  and  that  which  each  individual  has 
a  right  to  do,  it  is  the  business  and  the  duty  of  the 
chairman  to  protect  him  in  the  performance  of. 

43.  Is  it  necessary  to  observe  that  these  rights  arc 
little  liable  to  be  abused  ?     They  never,  in  fact,  are 
abused.     Our  citizens  generally  are  but  too  diffident 
of  themselves  to  be  troublesome  in  making  superfluous 
motions.     And  no  one  will  call  in  question  the  salu- 
tary nature  of  these  rights,  save  persons  of  peevish 
and  ungovernable   tempers,  who   would  have   every 
tiling  their  own  way.     However,  salutary  or  not.  the 
rights  do  exist,  and  must  exist,  where  a  number  of  men 
are  assembled  for  the  purpose  of  debating  on  any  prop 


324  DUTIES   OF    CHAIRMAN   OF   A   MEETING. 

osition,  and  there  can  be  no  order  unless  all  parties 
be  equally  protected  and  aided  by  the  chairman  in 
the  fair  exercise  of  these  rights. 

44.  But  these  are  rights  to  make  motions  merely, 
Every  individual  entitled  to  take  part  in  the  proceed 
ing,  that  is  to  say,  entitled  to  be  present  and  to  vote, 
is  fully  entitled  to  make  motions,  and  to  second  mo- 
tions, provided  that  such  motions  be  conformable  to 
the  rules  just  laid  down.  But  the  making  of  speeches, 
the  occupying  of  the  time  and  attention  of  the  meet- 
ing by  making  speeches,  is  another  affair.  Here,  each 
man  must  make  his  own  way  to  the  favor  and  to  the 
attention  of  a  meeting.  And  the  meeting  ought  to  be 
allowed  to  choose  whether  it  will  hear  him  or  not. 
It  must  be  the  duty  of  a  chairman  to  forbid  partial, 
and  envious,  and  preconcerted  interruptions  of  a 
speaker  ;  but  if  a  whole  meeting  have  a  distaste  either 
for  the  man,  or  for  his  manner  of  speaking,  or  for 
the  matter  of  his  speech,  it  can  never  be  the  duty  of  a 
chairman  to  insist  on  their  listening.  The  meeting 
ought  to  be  allowed  to  choose  whom  and  what  it  will 
listen  to,  in  the  way  of  speaking  ;  and  has  a  right, 
must  have  a  right,  to  express  its  approbation,  or  its 
disapprobation,  in  any  manner  it  may  please.  It  is 
partial  and  preconcerted  interruptions  only  that  a 
chairman  ought  to  repress,  without  being  called  upon 
to  obtain  a  hearing  for  a  tedious,  incapable,  or  other- 
wise distasteful  speech.  But  a  motion  is  another  mat- 
ter. A  man  who  can  not  obtain  attention  as  a  speak- 
er, may  move  a  proposition  ;  and  it  must  be  the  duty 


REQUISITE    POWERS   AXD    DUTIES.  325 

of  the  chairman  to  protect  him  in  this  right,  and  to 
treat  his  motion  with  quite  as  much  respect  and  atten- 
tion as  he  would  treat  that  of  the  most  eloquent  and 
favorite  speaker. 

45.  I  am  supposing,  of  course,  that  •  a  motion  thus 
offered  is  duly  adapted  to  the  purpose  of  the  meeting, 
and  that  it  is,  if  amounting  to  any  thing  more  than  a 
simple  proposition  to  postpone  a  decision,  to  adjourn 
a  meeting,  or  something  equally  brief  and  clear  j  I  am 
supposing,   that   if  it  be   a   motion   requiring  many 
words,  it  shall  be  handed  to  the  chairman,  duly  and 
clearly  written  out,  and  -then,  being  comformable  to 
the  purpose  or  purposes  of  the  meeting,  and  to  the 
business  then  in  hand,  it  must  be   the   duty  of  the 
chairman  to  receive  it  and  to  put  it  to  the  meeting  as  he 
would  put  any  other  proposition.    For  inability  to  make 
a  speech,  or  inability  to  obtain  a  hearing,  arise  from 
what  cause  it  may,  can   in  no   respect  be   regarded 
as  disqualifying  a  man  for  making  motions.     To  re- 
turn : 

46.  A  motion  being  fully  submitted  to  a  meeting, 
that  is  to  say,  being  moved,  seconded,  and  read  or 
recited  by  the  chairman,  can  no  longer  be  deemed  the 
mere  proposition  of  the  mover  and  seconder,  to  be, 
if  they  please,  at  any  time  withdrawn  by  them.     On 
the  contrary,  it  has  become  a  sort  of  property  of  the 
meeting.     There  is  no  knowing,  without  a  vote,  who 
may  be   for  it  or  who   against    it.     It  may  be  the 
pleasure  of  the  meeting,  or  of  a  part  of  the  meeting, 


82F  DUTIES   OF    CHAIRMAN   OF   A   MEETING. 

to  pronounce  its  opinion  on  the  proposition ;  and, 
having  submitted  it,  tho  mover  and  seconder  are  not 
competent  to  withdraw  it,  save  with  the  unanimous 
acquiescence  of  the  meeting. 

47.  A  motion  being  thus  fully  before  a  meeting,  if 
no  objector  present  himself,  may  be  put  to  the  vote 
without  further  speaking,  although  there  can  be  no 
irregularity   in   a    third   or  fourth   speaker   offering 
reasons    in    its    support.      But    neither    mover   nor 
seconder  ought  again  to  be  permitted  to  speak,  save 
in  explanation  of  some  previous  obscurity  or  manifest 
misapprehension,  and  to  such  explanation  should  any 
further  words  from  either  of   them  be  very  rigidly 
confined.      But   if   an  objector   appear,   if  a  debate 
arise,  then  may  the  mover  speak  a  second  time  ;  or  Ids 
seconder,  as  I  apprehend,  if  no  member  object  to  it, 
may  without  impropriety  speak  on  his  behalf ;    such 
speech  being  strictly  confined  to  a  reply  to  the  objec- 
tions stated;  to  explanations  as  before  spoken  of;  and 
to  a  summing  up  of  the  arguments  previously  used  in 
support  of  the  motion.    No  new  matter  ought  to  be  suf- 
fered to  originate  in  this  second  speech,  for,  if  it  were, 
the  whole  debate  would  be  reopened,  and  the  objectors 
to  the  motion  would  manifestly  be  entitled  to  answer 
such  new  matter,  and  bring  forward  new  arguments 
and  second  thoughts  on  their  parts  against  it.     And 
thus  would  there  be  no  end  to  a  question. 

48.  This  right  of  reply,  as  it  is  termed,  exists  in 
the  mover  of  an  original  proposition ;   but  belong 


REQUISITE   POWERS   AXD    DUTIES.  327 

not  to  the  mover  of  an  amendment,  whose  move- 
ments altogether,  both  speech  and  motion,  are  in  oppo- 
sition, are  in  answer  to  the  original  motion,  and  to  the 
speech  or  speeches  made  in  its  support.  There  must 
be  limits  to  a  debate.  Men  who  do  not  make  speeches 
must  not  be  kept  in  unlimited  attendance  on  those 
who  do  ;  nor  must  speakers  be  permitted,  by  repeated 
answers,  by  replies,  and  rejoinders,  to  degenerate  into 
a  wrangle.  The  rule  is :  One  speech  for  each  man, 
if  he  please,  on  each  motion,  and  no  more,  save  to 
ihe  mover  of  an  original  proposition  ;  whose  second 
speech  is,  also,  to  be  kept  from  new  matter,  from 
second  thoughts  in  favor  of  his  motion,  save  such 
tli oughts  as  clearly  apply  in  answer  to  the  objections 
just  made  to  his  proposition.  It  is,  of  course,  the 
duty  of  the  chairman  liberally  to  interpret  and  to 
apply  this  rule. 

49.  With  regard  to  the  time  of  commencing  his 
reply.  This,  as  almost  every  thing  else  in  these 
matters,  must  be  in  deference  to  the  convenience  and 
wishes  of  the  meeting.  When  a  number  of  men  are 
assembled  on  business,  that  business  ought  to  be  done 
with  promptitude,  with  spirit,  but  with  due  attention 
to,  order.  There  ought  to  be  no  loitering,  nor  any 
indecent  hnste.  So  the  time  for  the  mover  to  rise  and 
to  commence  his  reply  is  when  a  pause  occurs  in  the 
rtcbfitc  ;  when  no  person  appears  eager  to  make  objec- 
tion ;  or  when  a  meeting,  impatient  to  com?  to  a 
rlosc,  calls  for  an  end  to  the  debate.  In  either  of 
these  cases  the  chairman  will  handsomely  fulfil  his 


323  DUTIES   OF    CHAIRMAN    OF    A   MEETING. 

duty  by  turning  his  eyes  towards  the  person  who  made 
the  original  motion,  thereby  signifying  to  him  that  he  is 
ready  to  hear  any  thing  which  such  person  may  have 
to  say  in  reply. 

50.  The  debate  being  ended  by  the  reply,  or  by  the 
person  who  is  entitled  to  reply  declining  to  exercise 
his  right,  without  permitting  any  further  speeches  or 
amendments  the  chairman  ought  to  proceed  to  put 
the  question,  as  it  is  called, — that  is,  to  take  the  vote 
of  the  meeting  ;  which  vote  he,  of  course,  takes  in  the 
manner  that  is  usual  in  meetings  of  the  same  descrip- 
tion ;  commonly  by  a  show  of  hands  :  but  if  there  be 
a  dispute  or  uncertainty  about  the  decision,  it  must 
become  his  duty  to  divide  the  meeting,  and,  if  neces- 
sary to  a  satisfactory  decision,  to  have  the  persons  on 
each  side  counted. 

51.  There  must  be  no  unfair  proceeding  in  this  part 
of  the  conduct  of  a  meeting.     There  is  a  never-failing 
and  a  most  admirable  disposition  in  the  people  of  this 
country  to  debate  on  their  differences,  to  discuss  their 
opposing  claims ;  to  meet  for  these  purposes ;  and  then 
all  parties  who  have  a  right,  and  who  choose  to  be  pres- 
ent, being  assembled,  to  put  the  point  in  dispute  among 
them  to  the  vote,  and  then  to  yield  to  that  vote  whether 
it  be  for  or  against  them.    This  disposition  in  the  great 
bulk  of  the  people  never  fails  us.     And  nothing  in 
human  nature  can  bo  more  admirable,  more  salutary. 
They  think  not  of  fighting.     Come,  say  they,  let  us 
discuss  the  difference  between  us ;  and,  having  duly 


EEQUISITE   POWERS   AND    DUTIES.  329 

and  fairly  done  that,  let  us  take  the  opinions  of  all 
the  parties  concerned  by  a  vote,  and  if  we  be  out- 
voted we  will  yield.  Men  see  things  in  different 
lights,  their  interests  frequently  oppose  each  other, 
therefore  there  will  be  differences  of  views,  of  opinions, 
and  of  feelings  ;  but  what  can  be  more  admirable 
than  this  disposition  of  our  fellow-citizens,  thus  fairly 
to  discuss  and  peaceably  to  settle  those  differences  ? 

52.  To  ensure  such  peaceable  settlement,  however, 
the  proceedings  must  be  fair,  must  be  equitable.  Men 
must  not  be  thus  invited  to  meet,  to  discuss,  and  to 
vote,  and  then  find  that  a  little  knot  of  people  have 
predetemrined  what  the  decision  shall  be.  Men  who 
will  yield  with  cheerfulness  to  a  majority,  become 
unruly  when  they  find  that  they  are  assembled  to  be 
deceived,  to  be  betrayed.  This,  of  course,  can  never 
happen,  save  when  the  chairman  is  of  the  party  who 
have  predetermined  the  question,  or  when  he,  through 
weakness  or  through  some  culpable  motive,  lends 
himself  to  their  unfair  views.  If  the  chairman  do  his 
duty;  if,  having  excepted  the  office  of  chairman,  he 
deal  impartially ;  if,  having  duly  received  motions, 
and  had  them  debated,  he  proceed  to  ascertain  on 
which  side  the  majority  stands,  and  give  his  decision 
accordingly ;  if  he  do  all  this,  as  a  man  of  honor 
always  will  do,  however  discontented  some  of  tho 
minority  may  be,  the  greater  part  of  them  will  silently 
and  even  contentedly  acquiesce,  all  will  respect,  the 
majority  will  zealously  support  him,  and  order  and 
good  temper  will  reign  over  the  meeting. 


330  DUTIES    OF    CHAIRMAN   OP    A   MEETING. 

53.  But  for  the  chairman  to  lend  himself  to   the 
purposes  of  a  party,  what  is  it  but  to  pervert  his  office, 
and  to  betray  the  confidence  which  men   are  accus- 
tomed to  repose  in  that  office  ?     The  least  evil  arising 
from  such  a  course  of  conduct  is  the  discontent  and 
turbulence  usually  attendant  on  it.     The  ultimate  and 
not  very  remote  consequences  of   such  behavior  on 
the  part  of  chairmen,  were  it  to  become  prevalent, 
would  be  to  drive  our  brave,  our  generous,  our  just 
countrymen  from  their  habitual  fair  play  and  confi- 
dence in  each  other  ;  to  drive  them  from  these,  which, 
happily,  are  still  a  part  of  their  nature ;  to  drive  them 
from  their  debating  and  voting,  into  the  use  of  the 
knife  and  the  dagger. 

54.  To  return  to  the  course  of  business  which  the 
chairman  has  to  perform,  the  details  of  which  we  left 
in  the  taking  of  the  vote,  at  paragraph  50. 

55.  If  there  be  but  one  motion  before  the  meeting,  the 
chairman  proceeds,  the  debate  being  ended,  to  take  the 
votes  FOR  and  AGAINST  that  motion.   But  if  there  be  an 
amendment  on  that  motion,  he  takes  the  votes  for  and 
against  the  amendment  first ;  and,  if  there  were  a  second 
or  a  third  amendment,  then  would  he  have  to  take  the 
votes  on  these  severally,  for  and  against  each,  begin- 
ning with  the  last,  and  ascending  upwards  towards  the 
original  motion. 


CJ 


5G.  When  there  is  a  motion   and   an  amendment 
thereon  to  be  voted  on,  it  is  a  common  practice  to 


REQUISITE   POWERS   AND    DUTIES.  331 

take  the  vote  simply  for  the  amendment,  and  then 
that  for  the  original  motion,  and  so  to  decide  the 
question  between  these  two  merely  in  favor  of  that 
which  has  the  greater  number  of  votes.  But  this  is 
by  no  means  correct.  For,  although  one  of  these 
motions  may  have  more  votes  than  the  other,  it  does 
not  follow  that  it  is  to  be  adopted.  A  majority  of 
the  meeting  may  be  averse  to  both,  and  have,  there- 
fore, voted  for  neither.  It  is  their  turn  to  vote. 
And  to  give  them  this  turn,  each  motion  must  be  put 
completely  to  the  meeting,  FOR  and  AGAINST.  Thus — 
first,  for  the  amendment,  and  then,  against  the  amend- 
ment. When,  if  a  majority  be  for  the  amendment,  the 
question  is  settled,  the  amendment  being  carried,  and 
the  original  question  voted  out ;  but  if  the  majority 
be  against  the  amendment,  then  comes  the  voting  for 
and  against  the  original  motion.  And  this  may  be 
outvoted,  likewise.  It  by  no  means  follows  that 
because  two  or  three  propositions  are  made  to  us,  we 
must  accept  one  of  them.  We  may  very  wisely 
choose  to  remain  as  we  are,  rejecting  every  proposed 
alteration. 

57.  In  the  manner  thus  laid  down  may  a  number  of 
motions,  original,  or  amendments,  be  successively  dis« 
posed  of.     And  the  rules  laid  down  on  this,  and  on 
all  the  other  points,  apply  equally  to  large  or  to  small 
meetings. 

58.  Having  ascertained  that  the  business  of  the 
meeting,  and  consequently  the  duties  of  the  chairman, 


332  DUTIES   OP    CHAIRMAN   OF   A   3IEETLNO. 

are  at  an  end,  the  chairman  ought,  with  promptitude, 
to  declare  that  the  proceedings  have  terminated, 
and  instantly  to  leave  the  chair  ;  affording  thereby 
an  opportunity  to  the  meeting  to  express  its  approba- 
tion or  disapprobation  of  his  conduct. 

59.  Thus  far  have  we  looked  only  to  the  duties  and 
to   the   office    of  chairmen   of  occasional   or   single 
meetings,  without  referring  to  those  of  the  chairman 
of  a  permanent  society,  council,  or  committee,  which 
assembles,  adjourns,  and  reassembles   at  stated   and 
appointed  periods. 

60.  It  must  be  merely  on  the   reassembling  of  a 
meeting  of  this  kind  that  there  can  now  remain  any 
thing  particular  to  observe  on.     On  such  occasions 
the  chairman  will  have  to  refer  to  the  minutes  of  the 
preceding  meeting.      Whether  this  assembling  be  a 
recurrence  only  of  the  ordinary  and  regular  meetings, 
or  the  result  of  a  special  appointment,  by  adjournment 
or  otherwise,  it  will,  in  the  outset,  be  the  business  of 
the  chairman  to   state.     And  then  he  will  read,  or 
cause  to  be  read,  from  the  minutes  of  former  meetings, 
whatever  may  tend  to  lead  the  present  into  the  busi- 
ness awaiting  its  attention. 

61.  There  are  one  or  two  questions  closely  connected 
with  this  part  of  the  subject,  yet  to  be  spoken  of. 
The  first  of  which  in  point  of  interest  and  importance, 
is  this : 


REQUISITE  POWERS   AND   DUTIES.  333 

62.  Can  a  chairman,  who  has  made  himself  obnox- 
ious to  a  meeting,  or  who  has  lost  its  confidence,  can 
a  chairman  thus  circumstanced  be  removed  ?  And  if 
he  can,  in  what  manner  is  it  best  to  be  done  ? 

G3.  I  answer,  that  I  do  not  see  how  a  chairman 
can,  according  to  any  rules  of  order,  be  forced  out 
of  his  office,  and  another  placed  in  stead,  and  the 
business  of  a  meeting  be  carried  forward.  When  a 
meeting  is  so  unfortunate  as  to  have  a  chairman  who 
will  not  act  impartially,  he  is  little  likely  to  listen  to  a 
proposition  for  his  own  removal  and  for  the  election 
of  another.  Men  ought,  in  the  outset,  to  be  careful 
whom  they  elevate  to  the  office  of  chairman.  But 
finding  themselves  hampered  with  a  partial  and 
perfidious  person  in  that  office,  I  know  of  no  course, 
that  can  be  pursued,  with' a  due  regard  to  order,  but 
that  of  determining  to  do  no  business  under  him.  Let 
an  adjournment  sine  die  be  moved ;  let  it  be  put  to 
the  meeting  in  the  best  manner  it  can  be  put ;  see  that 
a  decided  majority  are  in  its  favor,  and  then  leave  the 
obnoxious  chairman  with  his  partisans,  if  they  choose 
to  remain. 

64.  The  question  sometimes  arises — Is  there  any 
occasion  on  which  a  person  speaking  may  be  inter 
rupted  by  another  person  rising  to  address  the  chair- 
man ?  This  is  a  nice  and  important  point.  And  I 
answer,  that  such  interruption  may  with  propriety  take 
place.  But  the  person  offering  the  interruption  takes 
upon  himself  the  responsibility.  If  he  offer  it  iDv 


334  DUTIES   OF    CHAIRMAN   OP   A   MEETING. 

properly,  he  will  incur  the  disapprobation,  the  censure, 
and  condemnation  of  the  meeting.  It  can  be  proper 
only  when  a  speaker  is  out  of  order ;  either  making 
a  proposition  that  is  irregular  in  some  particular,  or 
wandering  from  the  question  before  the  meeting,  or 
otherwise  unnecessarily  consuming  the  time,  or  endan- 
gering or  perverting  the  just  and  reasonable  purposes 
of  the  meeting.  It  is  an  ungracious  office  to  interrupt  a 
person  who  is  thus  irregular ;  the  chairman  may  be  in- 
attentive to  the  irregularity,  or,  hoping  it  will  soon  ter- 
minate, may  defer  the  exercise  of  his  authority.  In  any 
case  of  this  kind,  an  individual  of  quick  discernment 
and  great  zeal  for  the  success  of  the  proceedings  may, 
with  commendable  spirit,  rise,  and,  addressing  himself 
to  the  chairman,  may  point  out  the  irregularity.  That 
may  suffice  to  put  a  stop  to  it.  But  if  it  do  not,  the 
meeting  will  most  probably'  express  its  opinion. 

65.  An  individual    thus   offering    himself    to    the 
attention  of  the  chairman,  in  the  middle  of  a  speech, 
ought  to  be  listened  to  whilst  he  briefly  points  out 
what  he  conceives  to  be  an  irregularity.     And  the 
moment  an  individual   thus  rises,   signifying,   as  he 
ought  to  do,  that  it  is  on  a  point  of  order,  the  person 
speaking    ought,   of   course,   to    stop,   awaiting    the 
decision  of  the   chairman,   who    alone,   and   not   the 
meeting,  is  to  be  addressed  and  appealed  to  on  all 
points  of  order. 

66.  When  at  once  two  or  more  persons  rise,  or  ad- 
vance, in  order  to  address  the  chairman  or  the  meet- 


REQUISITE   POWERS   AND    DUTIES.  335 

ing,  tlie  question  as  to  which  shall  first  speak  is  to  bo 
determined  by  the  chairman,  who  will  determine  it  in 
favor  of  the  gentleman  who  first  catches  his  eye 
There  can  be  no  better  rule  devised  than  this.  The 
chairman,  as  laid  down  in  paragraph  23,  ought  to  be 
so  placed  as  to  be  able  to  see  all,  and  to  be  seen  of  all ; 
and,  as  it  is  part  of  his  duty  to  avail  himself  of  this, 
his  favorable  situation,  so  ought  he  best  to  see  who 
first  advances  to  speak.  After  the  gentleman  who 
first  catches  the  chairman's _ eye,  the  second  and  third, 
according  to  the  nomination  of  the  chairman,  ought 
to  have  the  privilege  of  speaking. 

67.  The  last  point  which,  under  this  head,  it  may  be 
advisable  to  notice  is  this — and  it  is  designed  for 
every  individual  member  of  a  meeting.  Let  the  chair- 
man be  the  sole  preserver  of  order.  Any  attempt  to 
assist  him  in  this  part  of -his  office,  save  by  silent  and 
respectful  attention  to  him,  must  tend  to  create  dis- 
order. There  are,  certainly,  extreme  cases  in  which 
it  may  become  expedient  for  a  meeting  to  expel  from 
its  body  some  ungovernable  and  disorderly  individual : 
this,  of  course,  is  a  case  to  which  the  rule  just  laid 
down  does  not  apply.  It  is  the  privilege  of  the  chair- 
man alone  to  call  to  "  ORDER."  Let  no  other  individ- 
ual presume  to  utter  the  call.  But  let  the  meeting  at 
all  times  be  ready  to  enforce  attention  to  the  wishea 
and  to  the  commands  of  "  THE  CHAIR." 


I 


